If you haven’t yet, you can listen to the main interview with Dr. McFillin here. Below are the questions submitted by the SMP online learning community that Dr. McFillin answers in this segment of my conversation with him. He was very impressed with these questions:
How would you approach the topic of sexual orientation with a high functioning gender questioning teen girl, one who does not fall on the spectrum or have any of the other conditions that sometimes correlate with gender dysphoria, and who has not come out to her parents as either trans or gay?
Can it be a good idea for a parent to introduce the field of psychology to a teen who seems interested in the topic and if so, do you have any suggestions of books that introduce teens to the big ideas in psychology in a general way, not connected at all to gender? My thoughts in this direction were spurred by an amazing quote that Stella O’Malley shared on her recent parent Q&A from James Hollis: “ Of each critical juncture of choice, one may usefully ask, “Does this path enlarge or diminish me?” Usually, we know the answer to the question. We know it intuitively, instinctively, in the gut. Choosing the path that enlarges is always going to mean choosing the path of individuation. The gods want us to grow up, to step up to that high calling that each soul carries as its destiny.”
In your podcast, you’ve said that in life, you can’t focus on outcomes; it’s the process that matters. A detransitioner I admire once gave similar advice to parents of trans-identified teens. She said, “Be a shepherd, not an engineer.” For the past few months, I’ve been trying to follow this advice, shifting my focus away from trying to “engineer” a specific outcome for my daughter and instead focusing on what I can do to shepherd her through this experience. But sometimes it’s so hard to let go of my attachment to an outcome. As a parent, the worry and anxiety can be overwhelming. So my question is this: What advice do you have for parents who want to be the shepherd, rather than the engineer? Who see the wisdom in focusing more on the process, and less on the outcome?
For parents with young adults (age 18+) who are emotionally immature, have a fixed mindset, and victim mentality; how can we support them in developing a growth mindset, internal locus of control, and resilience?
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