Welcome to Attachment Matters.
A series of conversations between two moms who love to nerd out on the subject of attachment. We’ll dive into what it is, what it isn’t, what it relates to, what it can mean for parenting, and how it can help us explain the current state of things.
As mothers, both of us found ourselves entangled in the world of gender ideology, following very different routes to get here. What we share in common is how the attachment framework has helped us to untangle the threads, and better understand and fulfill our responsibilities as mothers in both the beauty and the challenge of these times.
Photo by Josie Weiss on Unsplash
In this episode, Rose and I talk about our tendency as moms to get in the weeds as we try to make sense of our children’s behavior and determine the right response. We offer a guiding principle to help you keep it simple, and we emphasize the importance of vulnerability and processing our grief. We also encourage parents to see difficult incidents with our children as opportunities to learn more about ourselves so that we can integrate and live healthier lives, making a positive impact on the whole family system.
Questions for Reflection: What is the gift, if any, that pain has given you?
Resources and quotes mentioned in the episode:
The SMP Center for moms of kids who’ve assumed trans-identities.
In Episode 13, we mention some specific concepts and constructs of note:
Attachment as a “Magnet.” In past episodes we have spoken of attachment as the roots securing a plant for growth, as well as a hammock to rest in. We have also explored attachment as a hierarchical relationship with two sets of instincts (alpha and dependent) that facilitate the delivery of care. In this episode, Rose introduces the concept of attachment polarity, which can be understood like a magnet. When our attachment drive is engaged strongly in one direction (in this episode’s example, video games) and then a competing attachment tries to engage (for example, a mother), the competing attachment receives the repelling force of the opposite end of the magnet. This polarity is most acute in the immature. Think of when a small child seeks one parent over the other - when attached to mom, dad is rejected, and vice versa. This same polarity can be at play with peer relationships - if our child is immature and attachment instincts are engaged with peers, parents will get the opposite polarity - the repelling force of the other side of the magnet.
Defensive Detachment. Defensive detachment is what happens when the brain kicks in defenses against vulnerability or wounding that is too much to bear, and we detach from the one who has wounded us. This can happen in fights with a spouse, and in Rose’s example from this episode, it can happen when a parent wounds a child and the child’s defenses kick in. The feeling of being in defensive detachment is to not care anymore, to want nothing to do with the other who is the cause of your wounding. The feeling of trying to connect with someone who is in defensive detachment can feel intractable, unmoving, and unreachable. Here are some scholarly resources that Dr. Neufeld used to understand detachment.
Frustration. Frustration is a primal emotion that happens to us when something we care about is not working. Frustration can manifest in aggression (towards self or others) when it does not find another expression: enacting change, facing futility for what we cannot change, or the temporing factor of mixed feelings. For more, here is the Neufeld’s Traffic Circle Module of Frustration video.
Ode to Melancholy: This 1 hour 20 minute presentation by Neufeld Institute Faculty, Genevieve Schreier, speaks to the importance of grief and sadness in the human experience.
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Rose was introduced to Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s attachment-based developmental model when her two sons were very young, and it has significantly shaped her life. She brings a depth of knowledge from the work of Dr. Gordon Neufeld, having taken a number of courses at the Neufeld Institute. This series offers her the opportunity to share insights from this model with parents who are trying to make sense of their trans-identified children.
You can discover more detail about Rose’s story by reading her (viral) PITT submission: True Believer or listen to her interviews on Gender: A Wider Lens and on Triggernometry.
Mom of two coming-of-age humans and a former classroom educator, StoicMom has an intense interest in attachment and development. She’s done some serious dabbling into the Neufeld bank of knowledge but also has a knack for scanning the environment for frameworks to discover where they overlap and where they diverge. In her work as a Jungian depth coach supporting parents of trans-identified kids, she’s committed to making sense of how we find ourselves grappling with things like gender identity and the other ways that our kids are struggling to find their place in this world.
For more of StoicMom’s reflections along with her philosophy and strategies to navigate Life’s most difficult circumstances, subscribe to stoicmom.substack.com:
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