Welcome to Attachment Matters.
A series of conversations between two moms who love to nerd out on the subject of attachment. We’ll dive into what it is, what it isn’t, what it relates to, what it can mean for parenting, and how it can help us explain the current state of things.
As mothers, both of us found ourselves entangled in the world of gender ideology, following very different routes to get here. What we share in common is how the attachment framework has helped us to untangle the threads, and better understand and fulfill our responsibilities as mothers in both the beauty and the challenge of these times.
In this Q&A episode, the main theme that emerged was how important it is to be mindful of our role in the dance of any relationship, recognizing whether we’ve engaged our warm alpha instincts when we’re in the lead so we can convey to our loved ones that they can lean on us when Life gets hard. We dive deep into the importance of understanding human dynamics and knowing how to work relationships if we want to effectively preserve family connections and positively influence outcomes.
Questions for Reflection: Share any thoughts or observations you have about the alpha and dependent instincts, and how they may shift or change throughout the lifespan. When do you remember being able to “lean on” another? What were the conditions that allowed for you to depend? How might you cultivate those conditions with your own children, even children who are now adults?
Resources and quotes mentioned in the episode:
In Episode 12, we talk a lot about the idea of “collecting.” This is a term Dr. Neufeld coined and it refers to age-old attachment rituals of greetings and other ways we seek to establish connection and engage attachment instincts. Here is an explanation from the book Nourished, written by long-time Neufeld Institute Faculty Member Dr. Deborah MacNamara:
The collecting ritual involves engaging a person’s attachment instincts and harnessing their desire to be close. Collecting is about inviting another person into our presence in a warm, friendly, and caring way. We can use the senses to collect by engaging their eyes or through a smile. We can engage their ears through the warmth in our voice or by using their name. Our aim is to get in the forefront of their attention and present ourselves as the caretaker. The purpose of collecting rituals is to open a relational doorway that we can step into. If we feel someone return our attention, then we can be assured they have taken us up on our relational offer.
MacNamara, D. (2023). Nourished: Connection, Food, and Caring for Our Kids (And Everyone Else We Love). Page 229.
This episode also continues to connect back to The Wisdom of Dependence (29 minutes) - This keynote address video presents the alpha - seeker dynamic as the structure for the delivery of care. For those who want more, this keynote was followed by a Wisdom of Dependence Panel Discussion, which also involved Dr. Deborah MacNamara.
Rose was introduced to Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s attachment-based developmental model when her two sons were very young, and it has significantly shaped her life. She brings a depth of knowledge from the work of Dr. Gordon Neufeld, having taken a number of courses at the Neufeld Institute. This series offers her the opportunity to share insights from this model with parents who are trying to make sense of their trans-identified children.
You can discover more detail about Rose’s story by reading her (viral) PITT submission: True Believer or listen to her interviews on Gender: A Wider Lens and on Triggernometry.
Mom of two coming-of-age humans and a former classroom educator, StoicMom has an intense interest in attachment and development. She’s done some serious dabbling into the Neufeld bank of knowledge but also has a knack for scanning the environment for frameworks to discover where they overlap and where they diverge. In her work as a Jungian depth coach supporting parents of trans-identified kids, she’s committed to making sense of how we find ourselves grappling with things like gender identity and the other ways that our kids are struggling to find their place in this world.
For more of StoicMom’s reflections along with her philosophy and strategies to navigate Life’s most difficult circumstances, subscribe to stoicmom.substack.com:
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