Welcome to Attachment Matters.
A series of conversations between two moms who love to nerd out on the subject of attachment. We’ll dive into what it is, what it isn’t, what it relates to, what it can mean for parenting, and how it can help us explain the current state of things.
As mothers, both of us found ourselves entangled in the world of gender ideology, following very different routes to get here. What we share in common is how the attachment framework has helped us to untangle the threads, and better understand and fulfill our responsibilities as mothers in both the beauty and the challenge of these times.
In this episode, we dive deeper into the alpha instinct and nature’s intent for the structure it’s meant to create. We caution parents against viewing their children as their projects to be sculptured, and encourage viewing attachment as a developmental process all the while acknowledging the cultural waters we’re swimming in that make this all so difficult. We know there’s more to be said about boundaries, and we’ll continue that conversation in the next episode.
Questions for Reflection: What did you think of Stoicmom’s story about buying her daughter a gift in response to her daughter refusing to cooperate and join in the family outing? Did you experience any resistance to this? Did her rationale for this counterintuitive response make sense to you? If so, can you think of a difficult relationship where you might try something like this?
Resources and quotes mentioned in this episode:
Kahlil Gibran poem, “On Children” and sung here by Sweet Honey in the Rock
quote from Madeline Miller’s book, Circe:
Perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults.
Stoic approach to (parenting) responsibility:
You are responsible for your beliefs, your words and deeds...and your values. What are you not responsible for? The behavior of your children (You can be a good parent, but how your children respond is up to them). The opinions of your colleagues, friends, and strangers (Be a good friend, a good neighbor, a good citizen; the rest is up to them). If you focus on the things that are up to you, then you can take satisfaction in having done your part and let go of fear.
Rose was introduced to Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s attachment-based developmental model when her two sons were very young, and it has significantly shaped her life. She brings a depth of knowledge from the work of Dr. Gordon Neufeld, having taken a number of courses at the Neufeld Institute. This series offers her the opportunity to share insights from this model with parents who are trying to make sense of their trans-identified children.
You can discover more detail about Rose’s story by reading her (viral) PITT submission: True Believer or listen to her interviewed on Gender: A Wider Lens and on Triggernometry.
Mom of two coming-of-age humans and a former classroom educator, StoicMom has an intense interest in attachment and development. She’s done some serious dabbling into the Neufeld bank of knowledge but also has a knack for scanning the environment for frameworks to discover where they overlap and where they diverge. In her work as a Jungian depth coach supporting parents of trans-identified kids, she’s committed to making sense of how we find ourselves grappling with things like gender identity and the other ways that our kids are struggling to find their place in this world.
For more of StoicMom’s reflections along with her philosophy and strategies to navigate Life’s most difficult circumstances, subscribe to stoicmom.substack.com:
Ep 9 of Attachment Matters: the Necessary Safety of Forever Relationships