This is a method used by the mental health treatment facility that my son has been in. He identifies as trans female but has a mental health comorbidity. The family therapy is Attachment -Based. Thank you for sharing this.
Your idea to buy your daughter a small gift sounds brilliant to me. I have found myself using “punishment”, which could be small, passive aggressive comments , stonewalling, etc., as a way to make the other person (child, partner, friend...) feel the pain that I am feeling. Which is neither healthy or mature, or easy to admit, but true and something I have to face and embrace about myself or I will perpetuate the cycle. I heard a quote recently that said something along the lines of “in our world today, all justice is revenge”. And that plays out in big and small ways everywhere around us. That’s what I think a lot of what we call “punishment” and even “consequences” really is: revenge. I notice in myself that as I work to shift this pattern there are times when I almost have to white knuckle it to not say the thing or send the text in my habitual reactive way. It’s getting easier, and at the same time it gets more subtle. The little digs, the off-hand remarks, whatever, become less obvious. Our minds/egos are so tricky!
Ways "to make the other person feel the pain I am feeling." Yes, it would seem this is natural human behavior, but I wonder if it's conditioned? Recognizing we're doing it (so guilty here for so long!) is difficult indeed but it give us the opportunity and awareness to break the cycle.
I love that you bring up that our sense of justice in today's world is actually revenge which never works to break cycles of aggression (even of the passive nature) but has the opposite effect, perpetuating them.
"there are times when I almost have to white knuckle it to not say the thing or send the text in my habitual reactive way" cuz it's oh-so-satisfying, isn't it?!! So important to be aware of the tricksy ego! ;)
Search Stoicmom Project on Spotify and pocketcasts. Also on YouTube but it drops there a day later so this ep won't be available on YT until tomorrow. You should also be able to listen on other players. Thanks for the question!
This is a method used by the mental health treatment facility that my son has been in. He identifies as trans female but has a mental health comorbidity. The family therapy is Attachment -Based. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for letting us know that it's helpful!
Your idea to buy your daughter a small gift sounds brilliant to me. I have found myself using “punishment”, which could be small, passive aggressive comments , stonewalling, etc., as a way to make the other person (child, partner, friend...) feel the pain that I am feeling. Which is neither healthy or mature, or easy to admit, but true and something I have to face and embrace about myself or I will perpetuate the cycle. I heard a quote recently that said something along the lines of “in our world today, all justice is revenge”. And that plays out in big and small ways everywhere around us. That’s what I think a lot of what we call “punishment” and even “consequences” really is: revenge. I notice in myself that as I work to shift this pattern there are times when I almost have to white knuckle it to not say the thing or send the text in my habitual reactive way. It’s getting easier, and at the same time it gets more subtle. The little digs, the off-hand remarks, whatever, become less obvious. Our minds/egos are so tricky!
Ways "to make the other person feel the pain I am feeling." Yes, it would seem this is natural human behavior, but I wonder if it's conditioned? Recognizing we're doing it (so guilty here for so long!) is difficult indeed but it give us the opportunity and awareness to break the cycle.
I love that you bring up that our sense of justice in today's world is actually revenge which never works to break cycles of aggression (even of the passive nature) but has the opposite effect, perpetuating them.
"there are times when I almost have to white knuckle it to not say the thing or send the text in my habitual reactive way" cuz it's oh-so-satisfying, isn't it?!! So important to be aware of the tricksy ego! ;)
Is this the only channel or platform for your podcast?
Search Stoicmom Project on Spotify and pocketcasts. Also on YouTube but it drops there a day later so this ep won't be available on YT until tomorrow. You should also be able to listen on other players. Thanks for the question!