This is Episode Eight of conversations with stoic mamas along the way, part of a series of conversations with moms who’ve consciously chosen to shift the way they’re relating to this circumstance; using the context of parenting a trans-identified child to build capacity and get bigger than the problem. This episode is sponsored by Dream School. Brought to you by the creators of This Jungian Life, Dream School is a year-long dream interpretation course designed to teach you how to “decode the language of metaphor and symbol, and harness the power of your unconscious wisdom.” Stoicmom subscribers can get 15% off tuition with the coupon code: STOICMOM15 Go to https://thisjungianlife.com/join-dream-school/ to learn more and enroll.
Regina returns for another conversation about taking responsibility for the quality of our experience. We dive into how shadow work and inner child work are essentially the same thing, the importance of tending to the hurt parts of our selves, and how to use our imaginations to help us determine how good life can be. Following our conversation, Regina had some additional thoughts that she sent to me, including an answer to a question I asked but that got away from us:
You asked at one point what sort of steps I would take when the timer would go off, but we got sidetracked, as happens…
One big thing to remember is that it's not big sweeping changes that usually get us results. They tend to be overwhelming and not sustainable. Small, consistently repeatable habits are what usually lead to lasting change. So with that in mind, some of the steps I would take would be little things like texting my wife to let her know I am thinking about her and I hope she's having a good day. Or if I've been working at the computer for awhile, getting up and stretching. Maybe I need a drink of water or a healthy snack. One time, I invited a coworker who was having a rough day in her personal life to go for a walk. it was just 15 minutes (we were still at work) and we didn't talk about her problem, but she was so appreciative that I noticed and cared about her enough to ask her out that she gave me a big hug and that was wonderful for both of us. Sometimes, it's finishing a task I've been avoiding and a sense of accomplishment always feels good. Or sitting for 2 minutes quietly to take a few deep breaths. You get the idea.
Also, another important awareness that dovetails nicely with one of the big “lessons” from the Attachment Matters series: how the capacity to hold mixed feelings is an indicator of true maturity…
When we were talking about increasing our capacity to feel joy, that brought up the fact that we benefit from increasing our capacity to feel both joy AND pain AT THE SAME TIME. One reason is because life is ambiguous and messy and full of paradoxes. Most situations we encounter have both pros and cons. And, part of the IC work I've been doing is loving the wounded/unloveable parts of ourselves to help them heal. That's why they are shadows, because we believe they are wrong/bad/*unloveable*. At young ages, 2, 4 6 years old, we don't have the mental or emotional capacity to say "oh, Mom is just having a bad day. Her yelling at me doesn't have anything to do with me" or "Dad is just playing out his inner wounded child and hasn't learned to heal himself yet. It's not personal". That requires me to feel both love and pain at the same time, to heal my inner child wherever she is at. We can actually feel love and pain, sorrow and joy, peace and grief at the same time.
The experience i mentioned yesterday where I felt that deep sense of abiding peace after, included a part where I really experienced my Mom as her inner wounded child. It about broke me. The mix of love and compassion and sorrow and anger was overwhelming, but my ability to hold all of it and not run from it (ie, distract myself) was what was so healing about the experience.
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