I’m still amazed we made this conversation happen so quickly! Thank you, Karen, for accepting my invitation and agreeing to share your inspiring story with StoicMom subscribers. This powerful conversation was born out of Karen’s comment on my last published piece, Is it okay? I also reference The Stories We Tell Ourselves and feel like Testimony and Confessions is also relevant to this conversation.
Please note how much fun we’re having and how often we laugh. (I cry too during this one.) I’m okay with it!
Here’s Karen’s full comment:
We just returned from vacation. I learned a few things. First, ignoring the whole issue of gender made the vacation much better - at least for me, and I think for my confused daughter as well. Instead of harping on the fact that she felt compelled to wear a binder at the beach and in the hot weather, requiring thicker shirts to cover it, and therefore less comfort, and instead of harping on her purposeful voice change whenever she ordered in a restaurant and the slight smile she had when she was addressed by the waitstaff as "sir," or some other male nickname, I just enjoyed the beach, the sun, the good food, etc., and I also enjoyed the moments when she forgot about gender and was just herself. We had plenty of good moments walking around, biking, eating, etc. We had some real connecting moments that would not have happened had I been sulking about gender. Second, a scary incident happened where she was having trouble swimming and we had to ask for help from other people in the water. It was so scary that it made me remember that this whole gender thing, as horrible and wrong as it is, is, with rare exception, not actually a matter of life and death. If my daughter, who is 16 now and has been at this for over 3 years, eventually decides to medicalize, I will be very upset about it. However, at the moment, she is fine, and she is here on Earth. Every moment of that intelligent, funny, creative, quirky, silly, affectionate, moody, nutty child is a gift, and I intend to concentrate on that instead of concentrating on how she has been coaxed by society into thinking she is "really a boy" and how she may ultimately damage her healthy body. I intend to concentrate on both the good moments we have and the potential for her to have a wonderful future, instead of on the mistakes she may make or the wrongs being perpetrated by those who are pushing her in this bizarre direction. So, Stoic Mom, I agree wholeheartedly with you, and I definitely think it is not only okay, but the best choice you can make to actually see the bright side and enjoy life!
I encourage every parent listening to this to write a similar sentence, using the adjectives that best describe your unique son or daughter, “Every moment of that _________ child is a gift!” Put it somewhere you’ll see it often and remind yourself every time you think you need to sacrifice your joy to this movement. As Karen quoted (looks like it’s a version of a line by poet: George Herbert,) “The best revenge is a Life well lived.”
I’ll end these notes with one of my favorite passages from a poet. In the words of Mary Oliver,
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
Every Moment of that Child is a Gift -with Karen