Welcome to Attachment Matters.
A series of conversations between two moms who love to nerd out on the subject of attachment. We’ll dive into what it is, what it isn’t, what it relates to, what it can mean for parenting, and how it can help us explain the current state of things.
As mothers, both of us found ourselves entangled in the world of gender ideology, following very different routes to get here. What we share in common is how the attachment framework has helped us to untangle the threads, and better understand and fulfill our responsibilities as mothers in both the beauty and the challenge of these times.
In this episode, we review the primal emotions of separation and how they’ll impact how we show up in our relationships with our kids. We talk about the importance of cultivating good intentions in our children, and how competing attachments can make it so hard to hang on to our children’s hearts. We also tackle the challenge of navigating financial boundaries with adult children, and we each share some thoughts and suggestions on the provocative topic of estrangement.
Questions for Reflection: What questions or insights have past few episodes on the Alpha dynamic brought up for you? Where do you see adult child relationships where the alpha (provider) and dependent (seeker) dynamic is working, and what do you observe with that? Where do you see examples where that dynamic is off, with the child in the alpha role in relation to a parent, and/or the parent in the seeker role in relation to their child, and what do you observe with that? What is your reaction to the idea that there is wisdom in dependence?
Resources and quotes mentioned in the episode:
Making Sense of Counterwill Preview Video (5 minutes) - A brief explainer on the instinct to resist perceived coercion and a preview of the Neufeld Institute Counterwill Course.
The Wisdom of Dependence (29 minutes) - Excellent video that presents the alpha - seeker dynamic as the structure for the delivery of care. For those who want more, this keynote was followed by a Wisdom of Dependence Panel Discussion, where many of the topics we discuss in this episode, including culture and competing attachments, are discussed.
Alfie Kohn Quote (This is not the quote mentioned in the episode, but a quote related to our conversation):
Alfie Kohn (1999). “Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes”, p.67, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt
Rose was introduced to Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s attachment-based developmental model when her two sons were very young, and it has significantly shaped her life. She brings a depth of knowledge from the work of Dr. Gordon Neufeld, having taken a number of courses at the Neufeld Institute. This series offers her the opportunity to share insights from this model with parents who are trying to make sense of their trans-identified children.
You can discover more detail about Rose’s story by reading her (viral) PITT submission: True Believer or listen to her interviews on Gender: A Wider Lens and on Triggernometry.
Mom of two coming-of-age humans and a former classroom educator, StoicMom has an intense interest in attachment and development. She’s done some serious dabbling into the Neufeld bank of knowledge but also has a knack for scanning the environment for frameworks to discover where they overlap and where they diverge. In her work as a Jungian depth coach supporting parents of trans-identified kids, she’s committed to making sense of how we find ourselves grappling with things like gender identity and the other ways that our kids are struggling to find their place in this world.
For more of StoicMom’s reflections along with her philosophy and strategies to navigate Life’s most difficult circumstances, subscribe to stoicmom.substack.com:
Ep 10 of Attachment Matters: What We See Shapes What We Do