What an absolutely beautiful piece, and so eloquently, vulnerably and lovingly stated. Though I do not have time to compile them now, I have questions and thoughts to add. I hope I can do this sometime over the week.
In the meantime - your words continue to be thought-provoking and so often a comfort. Thank you.
I'm only commenting after a second glance because I got your email about getting flack for this post. I'll admit, I was put off too. I just chose not to say anything until you asked for feedback.
Personally, I don't call myself many labels, and I don't tell people that I am "gender critical". I say I am an advocate for parents, particularly protective parents.
Perhaps your title could be something like "Why I am no longer labeling myself", or "Let's talk about labels", but that isn't catchy. Maybe lead with what you believe in or advocate for, but I suspect that many thought you were abandoning them or the cause.
It is a good thing to bring in nuances and acknowledge blind spots, which you did. But if some of your readers were like me, the title shifted something inside that may have felt like abandonment and then to protect their vulnerabilities, they couldn't really take in what else you wrote and unsubscribed. We need strong leadership right now, so it may have come off like you were stepping away even if you were not. I hope something I said was helpful.
If a parent can keep the connection, by all means keep the connection with the trans-identified child. Being grounded with family is important.
It's not always that easy, as most of us realize.
If the trans identification (or pronouncement) happens when they are young adults living away from home, the parents will have no input.
And the parents can be cut off for expressing shock, concern--or any matter of natural responses.
The peer group rules. The queer peer groups has rules.
As for labels, we are all a composite of various roles, affinities, and values. We may choose to fly a flag of what is most important to us, or not.
When I think of parents on PITT, I think of MADD. We care deeply about a subject which has caused our families enormous loss. We feel compelled not to be silent.
I recall a counselor telling me years ago that I could not be "out" as gender critical to my daughter, as that was me staking my flag on GC Peak, while she staked hers on Trans Peak.
I get it. It turns into a power struggle.
I can't think of any other subject as polarizing as a trans identity. Especially, when parents are asked to erase history.
It's understandable that a parent in relationship with a child who has medicalized is under enormous pressure not to think gender critical thoughts, not to go down the doomscrolling gender feed. It will spill over into the relationship with your child.
If one is an estranged mother, as I am, what do I have to lose to by having a gender critical hat in my wardrobe?
Many parents cannot risk speaking out.
If one has the ability to speak out against this cultural phenomenon, one should.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share these thoughts. I really appreciate what you've expressed here and couldn't agree more with this, "I can't think of any other subject as polarizing as a trans identity."
I'd like to gently offer a different perspective on what's left to lose. When I hear estrangement, I hear that everyone is still alive so all is not lost. From an attachment perspective, keeping our hearts open and soft for the potential return--especially of a child who feels damaged by involvement in the trans movement--will contribute to healing conditions. Where do they go if they don't feel they can come home to their families?
I agree 100% that this is a cultural phenomenon and I don't think frontal assault can accomplish what we wish it could. The GC side might win this one, but I see gender identities as a symptom not a cause for what ails us culturally. What rises up in its place to address the existential angst that led us here?
I know I take a very different view on what's happening and how to heal the pain--thanks again for sharing your thoughts here so I could have a chance to respond to them. I know there's just so, so much pain and devastation and parents have so much stacked against them, so many obstacles that it's confusing and exhausting. Thanks for doing what you can and I wish you all the best.
She does see my emails, that much I know. I always tell her that she is loved, missed, no matter what she calls herself, she always has a home with us.
Thoughtful feedback is always welcome! And I really appreciate your title suggestions. I grappled with the title and how to get the most eyes without it being too clickbait-y, and I could probably have done better.
I find "the cause" interesting language and wonder whether we share this cause? My main aim is to ensure no one is abandoning themselves; I've had to get clear with myself that my content and my core message isn't for every stage in the process, and not likely to really resonate until the reader is ready to turn inward for answers. I know we all take in only what we're able to at any given moment, and there are many mamas for whom the SMP touches nerves that are too raw and exposed. I'm grateful there is softer content out there...
I do appreciate your feedback and the time and thought you engaged to offer it! Ty!!
For me "cause" is to bring awareness of the issues that are missed with "affirmation only". When we are not allowed to ask questions, have discussion, be included in major body and life altering decisions, not valued for wisdom and experience, then a vital part of the picture is missing. I could write more, but I do that already on my Substack. Thanks for what you do and for the discussion.
"I suppose it could be quite possible to have a completely different experience as a gender critical-identified parent of a persistently trans-identified kid." Um, yeah. I didn't relate to the experience you described at all. Granted, my son was in his mid-twenties when he came out, which would make the last three of your five bullet points, in a sense, irrelevant. Nor have shame or rage played a role in my experience or my relationship with my child. But I'm not quite clear on whether you're rejecting having an opinion on gender ideology/affirmation/etc, or simply warning against a mother's (for example) adopting a cultish identity of her own in response to her child's? I can agree with the latter, but not with going along to get along. It is possible to do the research and write to the legislators, the school boards, the universities and so forth--or use whatever gifts you've been given--to quietly work toward correcting a misguided, if not predatory, and dangerous system, and still maintain a relationship with your child. I have learned to live, day by day, with the reality of my son's physical and emotional disintegration. I could not live with myself if I did nothing to try to stop this horror from happening to more and still more children.
I really appreciate you sharing your take on the article and that you've had a very different experience! I would say I still have strong opinions on the matter but that it's complex and I'm not surprised we find ourselves here. People will go to great lengths to address existential pain that I think is rampant in today's world. You nailed it with this statement, "warning against a mother's adopting a cultish identity of her own in response to her child's". I think "going along to get along" is a dangerous and unhealthy mentality. What I hope we can spend more time thinking about is how to address the existential pain that affirmative care is being used to address--otherwise, I suspect we'll replace it with something just as damaging. I'm sorry to hear about your son's physical and emotional disintegration--so incredibly painful for a mother to witness!
I'm not a mom of a trans child, so take what I say with a grain of salt. I'm just wondering where you believe your trans child would be if there was no social media or schools/libraries introducing them to the "trans" concept? I come from a place where I firmly believe I would have been caught up in this world as a teen and in the end it would have been a huge mistake. I was what we now call gender non- conforming, not gay, and it scares me what I might have done to feel short-lived inclusion at the expense of my healthy body. And I think of most of the young gay men I know and think it would have been the same for them. And that's not even addressing the proliferation of middle aged men coming out and demanding entrance into every female space.
Hi, Former Dem. As far as my 28-year-old son goes, had he not been introduced, as you said, to the trans concept by school, libraries, and social media, the idea of being female would never have occurred to him, IMO. He's a super smart, quiet, awkward guy who likes girls. I'm far more gender nonconforming than he ever was (before his coming out three years ago), and I've never doubted for a second I'm a woman. But of course, I haven't been brainwashed since childhood, misled in secret by adults entrusted with my care. Where would he be now, had he not transitioned? Three years into treatment for mental and physical health problems that have been literally ignored since Gender Dysphoria eclipsed every other "condition." Presumably, he would still be in touch with his pre-transition friends who knew the real him. Who knows? He might even have been happy and healthy.
A lot of these quiet, nerdy straight boys find it hard to envision a future for themselves - particularly when it comes to attracting girls - so they latch on to the trans thing as it gives them a sense of meaning and purpose, an instant community, a "journey" to go on etc. It's basically an ersatz religion, something to fill your life with as an emotional bulwark against the inherent meaninglessness of life.
“Why I No Longer Identify as Allied: A Reflection on Labels, Identity, and the Limits of Moral Certainty”
Labels can be deeply stabilizing in times of upheaval—crucial, even. When the world is falling apart, when the sky is dark with smoke and your neighbors are hiding under floorboards, a simple label like “Ally” can feel like a lifeline. For a time, it captured something meaningful about who I was and what I valued: decency, democracy, a general aversion to goose-stepping. But over time, I began to notice that my identification with this label—“Allied”—was distorting my ability to see clearly, love fully, and respond humanely.
If you’re reading this, you probably already know that I’m the parent of a young adult son who joined the Third Reich. Like many of your children, he became immersed in propaganda in his adolescence—leaflets, rallies, TikTok videos of marching formations. At his liberal arts university, a professor once described punctuality as “proto-fascist,” and I believe that irony triggered a kind of ideological snap.
I won’t rehash the entire story (though I’ve told parts of it in Letters from the Reich and Moments of Munich), but suffice it to say I dove into the literature. I watched The Sound of Music backwards and forwards, read Churchill’s memoirs, even attended a weekend retreat called “Boundaries and Blitzkriegs.” The more I learned, the more paralyzed I became with fear. I was operating from a place of panic—and it showed.
My son and I had moments of real connection—he loved schnitzel night, and we once sang a touching duet of Edelweiss—but I also watched him drift further away, slipping into a worldview I didn’t recognize. I oscillated between strategic appeasement and emotional bombings. I tried everything: diplomacy, sanctions, family meetings with hand-drawn maps. I was unpredictable. He was confused. We both retreated into our trenches.
For a while, being Allied helped. It gave me purpose. There was a clear enemy, and it helped me make sense of my son’s transformation. “No one chooses Nazism,” I would say to myself. “It’s a contagion, a cultural trauma response. He’s not evil—just misinformed and unwell.” My Allied identity gave me a mission: to rescue my son from a fascist ideology, one rousing speech and historical analogy at a time.
But something started to shift. I began to see how “being Allied” was changing me. I started seeing stormtroopers in every suit. I yelled at a toddler for stacking blocks in too militaristic a fashion. I stopped attending bridge night because Mildred once praised German engineering.
And here’s the real confession: in my obsession with defeating evil, I became kind of…not good. I was smug. I was self-righteous. I weaponized documentaries. I grilled my son with gentle but relentless Socratic questioning: “But don’t you think burning books is a little, well, aggressive?” He rolled his eyes and drew a swastika on my placemat.
Through my coaching work with other Allied parents, I began to notice a pattern. These moms, like me, were locked in a moral narrative. We told ourselves we were the “good guys.” But this created blind spots. We couldn’t see our children as people anymore—only as ideological enemies. We couldn’t even talk about mustard without someone bringing up gas.
What we needed wasn’t more history lessons. We needed inner work.
So I turned to Stoicism. To Jung. To the Tao. I asked myself: What if my son’s beliefs weren’t a threat, but a symbol? What if Nazism wasn’t a singular evil, but a metaphor for collective disorientation? What if goose-stepping is just another form of dance?
These were not easy thoughts. I lost friends. Churchill wouldn’t return my calls. But slowly, I began to reclaim my wholeness. I distanced myself from the Allied label. I realized that identifying as “anti-Nazi” had become its own kind of ideology—one that placed blame, drew lines, and impeded understanding.
Now, don’t misunderstand me—I still think genocide is bad. I still find mustaches troubling, especially when paired with rhetorical fervor. I’m not “pro-fascism.” I’m just done pretending that our moral identities are the only path to truth or reconciliation.
I’ve met families who embraced affirmative fascism. I didn’t understand it at first, but now I see—they too are doing the best they can in a confusing world. From their perspective, the Allies are the aggressors. They say we bombed their cities, criminalized their ideals, and failed to listen. Who am I to say they’re wrong?
I now work with Allied moms to help them see the Nazi within. Not in a bad way! Just in the way that all of us, at some point, crave order, clarity, and matching uniforms. If we don’t address our own rigidity, how can we expect our children to transcend theirs?
The work of healing is messy. It’s not about choosing sides, but integrating shadows. If we stay fixed in our identities—Ally, Axis, Neutral Swiss—we miss the real task: to understand the pain beneath the propaganda.
So no, I no longer identify as Allied. I’ve transcended the war. I see now that both sides were just different expressions of the same wounded collective psyche. What we need is less ideology and more tea. Less marching, more meditation. Less flag-waving, more family therapy.
It’s not about defeating Nazism. It’s about dissolving the idea that we were ever separate to begin with.
"What if goose-stepping is just another form of dance?"
"I still find mustaches troubling, especially when paired with rhetorical fervor."
"I now work with Allied moms to help them see the Nazi within. Not in a bad way! Just in the way that all of us, at some point, crave order, clarity, and matching uniforms."
And of course, "What we need is less ideology and more tea. Less marching, more meditation."
Not sure how much you'll appreciate the content here at the SMP, but I appreciate and welcome your clever parody anytime.
Thanks for taking it well. 😄 I do indeed appreciate your writing and have for a while now, even when I see it differently. This was just my outlet for the tensions I felt in response to your wrestling with your own tensions. I was hoping to sort out or at least highlight the complexity and risks of applying these types of thought patterns to such a serious situation. I wish I had better words of wisdom to offer than just parody. As we both know, it can be excruciating to just sit with such unresolved tensions indefinitely, and the heart and mind seek answers that bring relief. I appreciate you sharing your struggle, and your progress. It feels like the stages that some kids go through on their way out of the insanity have parallels to what parents also go through. I know I've gone through my own phases of "ideology whiplash", and I'm sure it's not over yet.
I honestly can't stop reading and giggling through it. I missed the best lines from the first half in my initial reply:
"I watched The Sound of Music backwards and forwards, read Churchill’s memoirs, even attended a weekend retreat called “Boundaries and Blitzkriegs.”
"My son and I had moments of real connection—he loved schnitzel night, and we once sang a touching duet of Edelweiss"
"I began to see how “being Allied” was changing me. I started seeing stormtroopers in every suit. I yelled at a toddler for stacking blocks in too militaristic a fashion. I stopped attending bridge night because Mildred once praised German engineering.
And here’s the real confession: in my obsession with defeating evil, I became kind of…not good."
Parody is important and you have a gift for it. "..and the heart and mind seek answers that bring relief." Thank you for being here.
Very funny parody, and I love so much that StoicMom took it in good faith and that you were both able to then have a compassionate and thoughtful exchange of differing perspectives.
This fun parody is AI generated I think. But it does bring up important questions. I don't know if you are familiar with dr. Becky or Janet Lansbury. Their work is on parenting. I think this parody highlights something they talk about - who we are vs. who we want to be and how to bridge the GAP between the two. It is in our mistakes where we can show compassion and understanding but that does not exclude our eyes still being clearly looking out to our values ❤️
However it was generated, "fun" is a good word for it. We could all use a little more play.
I don't know these names, but I love how you describe where the gap is and a compassionate relationship with our mistakes. I think we need to be careful about the source of "who (we think) we want to be" and ensure it's coming from our hearts and our values rather than a template being handed to us. Authenticity gives us access to our whole selves while identity necessitates projection. Thank you for this thoughtful comment!
I'm asking this as a relative novice with spotting AI generated content: I can sometimes pick up the non human cadence in the content (honestly I don't even know what that means, just that there is something a little too "tidy" in AI commentary), but the humour in this piece seemed decidedly human... Could AI really come up with a line like "Churchill won't return my calls"? I am genuinely curious as to how you you arrived at your suspicion.
it honestly is too much work for a human in this context. also, i have a lot of experience with talking to AI on daily basis, so it seemed just like something someone would pass to AI to do ❤️
AI is uprading all the time so it is best not even to try to decode the content but the context, the why behind will show you usually if it is a human quite fast ❤️
My first reaction when reading the title of your post about you no longer being gender critical was that your non-belief was in itself, a luxury belief. My mind went immediately to those poor women in prison locked up with trans-identifying men and how they don’t have the privilege of not being gender critical. I also thought of the saying, “choosing not to do something is a choice,” and that maybe choosing not to believe something is a belief.
Then I thought I would be nice and actually READ your post! It was beautifully written, and I can understand why you came to the position that you did. Saving and strengthening your family is a mother’s primary job.
Then I started asking myself, what do I actually believe? I don’t use the term gender critical, I use the term gender atheist, and I still think it works for me. Let me explain. As a religious atheist, I have a live and let live view of other people’s religions. I have no desire to “crush” anyone’s beliefs. You do you, just as long as you don’t impose your beliefs on me or my family. When my daughter got caught up in the nonsense, being a gender atheist focused my energies and ire on the boundaries that were being violated. I don’t believe in gendered souls, thus my gender atheism. Believe what you want, but I don’t want to participate in your rituals, and I don’t want you teaching my child that your beliefs are facts. I am also very concerned about how adherents of this belief system impose their metaphysical beliefs on society through policies and laws that target vulnerable people. Conversations with my daughter were about my beliefs and boundaries and how it was perfectly fine for loved ones to hold differing views. I leaned into the relationship. I trusted her; she’s a smart kid and can be a critical thinker as long as she’s not focusing solely on pushing back against me. In hindsight, focusing on myself and my needs gave her room to critically examine the various beliefs and identities that she was trying on. She hasn’t given up the belief system in its entirety, but she’s holding it less tightly.
Thank you for the thought and care you put into this comment! I appreciate your note about luxury beliefs and the opportunity to address what I'm sure crosses many minds. Where I've landed on this is that there are so many tragedies occurring in the world, and I'm one person who can't shoulder the weight of them all. If I focus on all the things I can't change, I would drown in overwhelm and lose all hope for humanity. I think many of our children feel this burden and hopelessness, and I'd like to model for them that life is a miracle and can be as beautiful as we make it. So instead, I focus my strengths, skills, and energy on an area that I'm passionate about and where I think can make a significant impact. I believe strongly that the most enduring change begins at home--in ourselves and what we model and provide for our children. I've said to my own kids, "my job as the mom is to prioritize my family's health and wellbeing" like you note in your comment. Clearly we also align on the "I'm the expert on my family." If I can do this without rigid identification with a set of beliefs, and with faith in my kids' very human capacity and drive to figure out how to be in the world, I provide an environment that allows for their own flexibility and adaptation. I appreciate you!
Love this so much, dear Stoicmom. I feel you, I see you, I can see all the suffering on all the sides as well. Coming home to ourselves, to accepting what is in the present, and to showing up with love and compassion both for us and those we care about, that is the deepest work. And I love that Rumi quote. I'll meet you there.
Thank you for this! As you can imagine this one took a lot out of me and I hovered over the publish button for an agonizingly long time. It seems I have little choice about being the messenger of difficult truths--like something else possesses me when it's time to say something this hard. Having this comment come quick and first--well it made me weep.
Thank you for your challenging ideas and bullet points on mistakes you thought you've made under the title of "gender critical". Your work and writing is so important.
I don't believe that label means those "mistakes", rather it is another example of appropriating language to explain behavior and some bad actors gave it an expanded definition to include righteous indignation. Gender critical originally meant disagreeing with gender identity put above biological sex. By that definition, I am gender critical. I will not use opposite sex pronouns. By definition from the UK Supreme court recently, I am a woman. These aren't really labels or identities for me, I just am. I do not think people are born in the wrong body. I don't believe people even have a gender identity - I believe they think they do. I believe in envy. I believe in feeling so different people search for meaning. I believe our culture is so, so flawed, like you say "sick society", that it has lied to its people. And I won't lie to children. No one can change their sex.
My daughter knows I believe all this and that I can handle her disagreeing with me and that I can handle her big, big emotions. We don't discuss it as I help her find her way, her identity. She is more than gender so there is much more to focus on. I have to model the positive behavior of a gender critical parent.
In my upcoming conversation on TPP, I think I say something like gender critical began as an adjective that morphed into an identity. If we're able to notice whether it evokes a sense of righteousness that can be helpful in discerning whether we're overidentifying and are externally oriented, rather than to our own internal compass--our own hearts. If there is an agenda preventing connection with our children, I hope to encourage consciousness and agency around that. I always appreciate you and your perspective!
I can't wait to listen! I have encountered some gender critical folks holding the line of truth at all costs, using it as a license to judge and find a tribe of like-minded others. Activists of "Us against the world!" Yes, there has got to be a better way than this. A more curious way. Maia Poet just wrote that there is a reason our children got to this point. We have to keep searching.
The term Gender critical is a misnomer. It is now used widely by a religious or conservative community opposed to postmodernist transgenderism; but it comes originally from a women’s liberation perspective. That is still my perspective, that gender is a negative social construct of the patriarchy.
I look askance at ALL cosmetic surgery, not merely the latest “sex change” version, which promises more hope than it delivers.
I also look askance at ALL cosmetic surgery and other solutions that promise more hope than they offer. I think what we're really dealing with is existential pain and the meaning crisis.
I thought I commented on this somewhere that for me the term gender critical means I engage in critical thinking. I'm sorry if some people are rigid and acting as if it's an ideology, but to label the term in a negative way when I think there's a lot of good thought being shared in its name is unfortunate
I was contemplating the same thing: I use the term as if I am applying critical thinking to the conversation of gender. Having been in very liberal circles, using the term gender critical actually became a point of liberation for me. I no longer had to nod long to get along, I could make a proclamation that was my own, well- examined and carefully chosen. For that reason being gender-critical, keeps me in a discerning space of critical thinking actually. I can love my daughter and want a relationship with her, remain compassionate to whatever struggle she is having within, while maintaining my own reality in evaluative thinking.
I appreciate this and think we can overidentify with just about any label. Mostly I'm hoping to increase awareness that this may be happening and encourage parents to notice if it's not just the child's identity causing problems in the family system. ;)
Thank you for sharing this. I have traveled this road as well. With way further words I came to realize our relationship depended on maintaining ‘My’ authentic self, while letting go of my assertions of the polarity of truth vs ideology.
Meanwhile, keeping steadfast in the beauty of true love, that is patient, is kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, does not dishonor others, is not self seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil,
This is where I am at with my daughter. I affirmed socially as thought I was supporting and you can be yourself and change one way then the other, how wrong I was. They have just burrowed down and when I said I couldn't say yes to them medicalising (they are 17) they feel I have betrayed them. That wasn't my intention I just couldn't have that responsibility on my head in the future. They hate me and only see all the mistakes I have made. I'd love to know how you created stability and let go of being right and regained connection.... its all I want but it's so hard when they blame me for so much. Their memories and view is so distorted I don't know how to approach them. I try but they put up blockades of blame, shame and guilt trips which is impossible to navigate.
"blockades of blame, shame and guilt trips" Yes, I would agree that this is impossible to navigate. Are you subscribed to Attachment Matters? You may find some helpful information in those conversations, along with the "resources and reflections". www.attachmentmatters.substack.com
This is all so painful and confusing--hang in there, Mama!
Also, we'll be accepting new mamas into the online community later this month, and our focus in on Mom's inner work which can go a long way to restoring relationship--which is what's within your power to do.
I have been cycling between fear, anger, hope and lots of other emotions since my son started with the magical thinking. It’s such a messy world anyway. While I think it’s important not to go along with his illusion that he is a woman, I also want to relax about it if I can. I don’t like that I have become so attached to being the warrior mom. Thanks for the essay.
Thank you for this comment! I wouldn't encourage anyone to just go along with something that didn't feel honest. I think it's when we can recognize when we've overidentified with an identity like "warrior mom" that we can operate with more integrity and less agenda. Relaxing might be just the ticket.
Surely “critical” is not a good stance for promoting another person feeling respected and heard. The phenomenon of this spread of a drastic practice being promoted as necessary medical intervention is much too complex to simply say that it’s inherently bad and needs to be discontinued, especially when there are people who insist that it was experienced as necessary for them. Medical professionals are the ones who collaborated in the overreach of these interventions, and medical professionals need to grapple with what has been happening in violation of “Do No Harm” and subsequently what best practices should instead be put into place going forward.
Hi there. I appreciate you sharing what you took away from this piece. I think it's important to attune to and follow your heart.
As for me, mine does indeed pull me down into the grass where life is too full to talk about. I can paint a picture but can't control what others see in it.
"Hi there. I appreciate you sharing what you took away from this piece. I think it's important to attune to and follow your heart."
This kind of language and thinking typifies an approach to issues that I find meaningless and a little ridiculous. Understanding and delegitimizing the ugly and destructive cult of gender requires clear thinking grounded in objective reality and the willingness to make proper use of labels and definitions. You do you, but your assertions and attempts to promote your point of view fall flat for me, and I suspect for many other people as well.
There are no good guys or bad guys In biology. Your daughter has an acquired behavior biologists call sexual mimicry.
It tends to occur most often in males, where they imitate females to avoid male social competition, and to gain access to females for reproduction.
In females, male imitation occurs when females want to avoid male sexual attention, and to dominate resources for offspring among other females.
Sometimes it occurs cross-species. The mirror orchid mimics both the visual and olfactory presentation of certain female wasps so males will attempt to mate and fertilize the orchid. The female Photuris firefly imitates the female Photinus to lure and eat male Photinus.
Humans are animals, and sexual mimicry in humans operates precisely the same way as in other animals which exhibit it. Animals evolved the behavior in réponse to aggressive sexual selection pressures, where mimicry is a strategy to bypass ordinary competition.
Animals have no gender. They have sex and a spectrum of sex-related behaviors. Humans are animals and likewise have a spectrum of sex-related behaviors.
Once we understand this sex behavior is rare but quite natural, like homosexuality or hyperpromiscuity, we can all ensure that negative impacts are managed thoughtfully rather than through politics.
Consider that chemical and surgical interventions are also politically motivated by those who try to enforce agreement with imitation because. They cannot sustain the mimicry indefinitely, and want all who exhibit the behavior to amplify it irrespective of the harm it creates.
Biology and family are identities, permanent facts. Trying to change either creates trauma because they cannot be altered. I hope you avoid trauma with your daughter.
"There are no good guys or bad guys in biology." Love this. And fascinated by this biological perspective--thanks for taking the time to share it! I'd already suspected this might factor considerably into my daughter's current experience: "male imitation occurs when females want to avoid male sexual attention"
Since you opened the conversation, I'm going to share what I think is missing here, and that's how humans make sense of their experiences: story, and that we can use our narrative abilities to create meaning that supports a healthy approach--or an unhealthy approach that makes us even more miserable. Being aware and exercising agency here can mean the difference between a life of misery or a life of meaning and richness.
I'd also be interested to know how biology accounts for social contagion and other cultural factors that might drive sexual mimicry? Are these factored in or simply discounted? Maybe this is a chicken and egg sort of question?
And finally, doesn't family rejection also create trauma? It does seem we're referring to psychological trauma that occurs while trying to change sex or family? Clearly there's also physical trauma associated with the former. My aim with this piece is to help families mediate some of this trauma through our story and meaning making functions--that I'd doubt, but I'm no expert here, other species share.
In species with family structures, the female version (some apes, the hyena, certain fish) it is to preserve the family unit during social stress like territorial encroachment.
I agree completely that knowing what is transpiring and being honest about it is the difference between misery and being together.
> "Humans are animals and likewise have a spectrum of sex-related behaviors."
Exactly right! AKA genders -- 😉🙂 AKA sexually dimorphic personality and behavioral traits -- a rather ubiquitous phenomenon throughout all anisogamous species, including the human one.
Apropos of which, y'all might enjoy this classic example from evolutionary psychologist, Paula Wright:
PW: Ruff Sex and Sneaky Fuɔkers;
The males of this species are highly unique as they appear to have three different 'genders' which, unlike other species, do not appear to be triggered by environmental inputs. They are genetic. Lank calls these three morphs: 1) the Territorial aka Independent; 2) the Wingman aka Satellite; 3) the female mimics aka Faeder"
What an absolutely beautiful piece, and so eloquently, vulnerably and lovingly stated. Though I do not have time to compile them now, I have questions and thoughts to add. I hope I can do this sometime over the week.
In the meantime - your words continue to be thought-provoking and so often a comfort. Thank you.
I'm only commenting after a second glance because I got your email about getting flack for this post. I'll admit, I was put off too. I just chose not to say anything until you asked for feedback.
Personally, I don't call myself many labels, and I don't tell people that I am "gender critical". I say I am an advocate for parents, particularly protective parents.
Perhaps your title could be something like "Why I am no longer labeling myself", or "Let's talk about labels", but that isn't catchy. Maybe lead with what you believe in or advocate for, but I suspect that many thought you were abandoning them or the cause.
It is a good thing to bring in nuances and acknowledge blind spots, which you did. But if some of your readers were like me, the title shifted something inside that may have felt like abandonment and then to protect their vulnerabilities, they couldn't really take in what else you wrote and unsubscribed. We need strong leadership right now, so it may have come off like you were stepping away even if you were not. I hope something I said was helpful.
If a parent can keep the connection, by all means keep the connection with the trans-identified child. Being grounded with family is important.
It's not always that easy, as most of us realize.
If the trans identification (or pronouncement) happens when they are young adults living away from home, the parents will have no input.
And the parents can be cut off for expressing shock, concern--or any matter of natural responses.
The peer group rules. The queer peer groups has rules.
As for labels, we are all a composite of various roles, affinities, and values. We may choose to fly a flag of what is most important to us, or not.
When I think of parents on PITT, I think of MADD. We care deeply about a subject which has caused our families enormous loss. We feel compelled not to be silent.
I recall a counselor telling me years ago that I could not be "out" as gender critical to my daughter, as that was me staking my flag on GC Peak, while she staked hers on Trans Peak.
I get it. It turns into a power struggle.
I can't think of any other subject as polarizing as a trans identity. Especially, when parents are asked to erase history.
It's understandable that a parent in relationship with a child who has medicalized is under enormous pressure not to think gender critical thoughts, not to go down the doomscrolling gender feed. It will spill over into the relationship with your child.
If one is an estranged mother, as I am, what do I have to lose to by having a gender critical hat in my wardrobe?
Many parents cannot risk speaking out.
If one has the ability to speak out against this cultural phenomenon, one should.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share these thoughts. I really appreciate what you've expressed here and couldn't agree more with this, "I can't think of any other subject as polarizing as a trans identity."
I'd like to gently offer a different perspective on what's left to lose. When I hear estrangement, I hear that everyone is still alive so all is not lost. From an attachment perspective, keeping our hearts open and soft for the potential return--especially of a child who feels damaged by involvement in the trans movement--will contribute to healing conditions. Where do they go if they don't feel they can come home to their families?
I agree 100% that this is a cultural phenomenon and I don't think frontal assault can accomplish what we wish it could. The GC side might win this one, but I see gender identities as a symptom not a cause for what ails us culturally. What rises up in its place to address the existential angst that led us here?
I know I take a very different view on what's happening and how to heal the pain--thanks again for sharing your thoughts here so I could have a chance to respond to them. I know there's just so, so much pain and devastation and parents have so much stacked against them, so many obstacles that it's confusing and exhausting. Thanks for doing what you can and I wish you all the best.
Thank you!
She does see my emails, that much I know. I always tell her that she is loved, missed, no matter what she calls herself, she always has a home with us.
The porch light is on.
❤🙏
Thoughtful feedback is always welcome! And I really appreciate your title suggestions. I grappled with the title and how to get the most eyes without it being too clickbait-y, and I could probably have done better.
I find "the cause" interesting language and wonder whether we share this cause? My main aim is to ensure no one is abandoning themselves; I've had to get clear with myself that my content and my core message isn't for every stage in the process, and not likely to really resonate until the reader is ready to turn inward for answers. I know we all take in only what we're able to at any given moment, and there are many mamas for whom the SMP touches nerves that are too raw and exposed. I'm grateful there is softer content out there...
I do appreciate your feedback and the time and thought you engaged to offer it! Ty!!
For me "cause" is to bring awareness of the issues that are missed with "affirmation only". When we are not allowed to ask questions, have discussion, be included in major body and life altering decisions, not valued for wisdom and experience, then a vital part of the picture is missing. I could write more, but I do that already on my Substack. Thanks for what you do and for the discussion.
"I suppose it could be quite possible to have a completely different experience as a gender critical-identified parent of a persistently trans-identified kid." Um, yeah. I didn't relate to the experience you described at all. Granted, my son was in his mid-twenties when he came out, which would make the last three of your five bullet points, in a sense, irrelevant. Nor have shame or rage played a role in my experience or my relationship with my child. But I'm not quite clear on whether you're rejecting having an opinion on gender ideology/affirmation/etc, or simply warning against a mother's (for example) adopting a cultish identity of her own in response to her child's? I can agree with the latter, but not with going along to get along. It is possible to do the research and write to the legislators, the school boards, the universities and so forth--or use whatever gifts you've been given--to quietly work toward correcting a misguided, if not predatory, and dangerous system, and still maintain a relationship with your child. I have learned to live, day by day, with the reality of my son's physical and emotional disintegration. I could not live with myself if I did nothing to try to stop this horror from happening to more and still more children.
I really appreciate you sharing your take on the article and that you've had a very different experience! I would say I still have strong opinions on the matter but that it's complex and I'm not surprised we find ourselves here. People will go to great lengths to address existential pain that I think is rampant in today's world. You nailed it with this statement, "warning against a mother's adopting a cultish identity of her own in response to her child's". I think "going along to get along" is a dangerous and unhealthy mentality. What I hope we can spend more time thinking about is how to address the existential pain that affirmative care is being used to address--otherwise, I suspect we'll replace it with something just as damaging. I'm sorry to hear about your son's physical and emotional disintegration--so incredibly painful for a mother to witness!
I'm not a mom of a trans child, so take what I say with a grain of salt. I'm just wondering where you believe your trans child would be if there was no social media or schools/libraries introducing them to the "trans" concept? I come from a place where I firmly believe I would have been caught up in this world as a teen and in the end it would have been a huge mistake. I was what we now call gender non- conforming, not gay, and it scares me what I might have done to feel short-lived inclusion at the expense of my healthy body. And I think of most of the young gay men I know and think it would have been the same for them. And that's not even addressing the proliferation of middle aged men coming out and demanding entrance into every female space.
Hi, Former Dem. As far as my 28-year-old son goes, had he not been introduced, as you said, to the trans concept by school, libraries, and social media, the idea of being female would never have occurred to him, IMO. He's a super smart, quiet, awkward guy who likes girls. I'm far more gender nonconforming than he ever was (before his coming out three years ago), and I've never doubted for a second I'm a woman. But of course, I haven't been brainwashed since childhood, misled in secret by adults entrusted with my care. Where would he be now, had he not transitioned? Three years into treatment for mental and physical health problems that have been literally ignored since Gender Dysphoria eclipsed every other "condition." Presumably, he would still be in touch with his pre-transition friends who knew the real him. Who knows? He might even have been happy and healthy.
That's really tragic, I'm sorry.
Thank you. 🙏
A lot of these quiet, nerdy straight boys find it hard to envision a future for themselves - particularly when it comes to attracting girls - so they latch on to the trans thing as it gives them a sense of meaning and purpose, an instant community, a "journey" to go on etc. It's basically an ersatz religion, something to fill your life with as an emotional bulwark against the inherent meaninglessness of life.
“Why I No Longer Identify as Allied: A Reflection on Labels, Identity, and the Limits of Moral Certainty”
Labels can be deeply stabilizing in times of upheaval—crucial, even. When the world is falling apart, when the sky is dark with smoke and your neighbors are hiding under floorboards, a simple label like “Ally” can feel like a lifeline. For a time, it captured something meaningful about who I was and what I valued: decency, democracy, a general aversion to goose-stepping. But over time, I began to notice that my identification with this label—“Allied”—was distorting my ability to see clearly, love fully, and respond humanely.
If you’re reading this, you probably already know that I’m the parent of a young adult son who joined the Third Reich. Like many of your children, he became immersed in propaganda in his adolescence—leaflets, rallies, TikTok videos of marching formations. At his liberal arts university, a professor once described punctuality as “proto-fascist,” and I believe that irony triggered a kind of ideological snap.
I won’t rehash the entire story (though I’ve told parts of it in Letters from the Reich and Moments of Munich), but suffice it to say I dove into the literature. I watched The Sound of Music backwards and forwards, read Churchill’s memoirs, even attended a weekend retreat called “Boundaries and Blitzkriegs.” The more I learned, the more paralyzed I became with fear. I was operating from a place of panic—and it showed.
My son and I had moments of real connection—he loved schnitzel night, and we once sang a touching duet of Edelweiss—but I also watched him drift further away, slipping into a worldview I didn’t recognize. I oscillated between strategic appeasement and emotional bombings. I tried everything: diplomacy, sanctions, family meetings with hand-drawn maps. I was unpredictable. He was confused. We both retreated into our trenches.
For a while, being Allied helped. It gave me purpose. There was a clear enemy, and it helped me make sense of my son’s transformation. “No one chooses Nazism,” I would say to myself. “It’s a contagion, a cultural trauma response. He’s not evil—just misinformed and unwell.” My Allied identity gave me a mission: to rescue my son from a fascist ideology, one rousing speech and historical analogy at a time.
But something started to shift. I began to see how “being Allied” was changing me. I started seeing stormtroopers in every suit. I yelled at a toddler for stacking blocks in too militaristic a fashion. I stopped attending bridge night because Mildred once praised German engineering.
And here’s the real confession: in my obsession with defeating evil, I became kind of…not good. I was smug. I was self-righteous. I weaponized documentaries. I grilled my son with gentle but relentless Socratic questioning: “But don’t you think burning books is a little, well, aggressive?” He rolled his eyes and drew a swastika on my placemat.
Through my coaching work with other Allied parents, I began to notice a pattern. These moms, like me, were locked in a moral narrative. We told ourselves we were the “good guys.” But this created blind spots. We couldn’t see our children as people anymore—only as ideological enemies. We couldn’t even talk about mustard without someone bringing up gas.
What we needed wasn’t more history lessons. We needed inner work.
So I turned to Stoicism. To Jung. To the Tao. I asked myself: What if my son’s beliefs weren’t a threat, but a symbol? What if Nazism wasn’t a singular evil, but a metaphor for collective disorientation? What if goose-stepping is just another form of dance?
These were not easy thoughts. I lost friends. Churchill wouldn’t return my calls. But slowly, I began to reclaim my wholeness. I distanced myself from the Allied label. I realized that identifying as “anti-Nazi” had become its own kind of ideology—one that placed blame, drew lines, and impeded understanding.
Now, don’t misunderstand me—I still think genocide is bad. I still find mustaches troubling, especially when paired with rhetorical fervor. I’m not “pro-fascism.” I’m just done pretending that our moral identities are the only path to truth or reconciliation.
I’ve met families who embraced affirmative fascism. I didn’t understand it at first, but now I see—they too are doing the best they can in a confusing world. From their perspective, the Allies are the aggressors. They say we bombed their cities, criminalized their ideals, and failed to listen. Who am I to say they’re wrong?
I now work with Allied moms to help them see the Nazi within. Not in a bad way! Just in the way that all of us, at some point, crave order, clarity, and matching uniforms. If we don’t address our own rigidity, how can we expect our children to transcend theirs?
The work of healing is messy. It’s not about choosing sides, but integrating shadows. If we stay fixed in our identities—Ally, Axis, Neutral Swiss—we miss the real task: to understand the pain beneath the propaganda.
So no, I no longer identify as Allied. I’ve transcended the war. I see now that both sides were just different expressions of the same wounded collective psyche. What we need is less ideology and more tea. Less marching, more meditation. Less flag-waving, more family therapy.
It’s not about defeating Nazism. It’s about dissolving the idea that we were ever separate to begin with.
Wow, this was brilliant!! My favorite lines:
"What if goose-stepping is just another form of dance?"
"I still find mustaches troubling, especially when paired with rhetorical fervor."
"I now work with Allied moms to help them see the Nazi within. Not in a bad way! Just in the way that all of us, at some point, crave order, clarity, and matching uniforms."
And of course, "What we need is less ideology and more tea. Less marching, more meditation."
Not sure how much you'll appreciate the content here at the SMP, but I appreciate and welcome your clever parody anytime.
Thanks for taking it well. 😄 I do indeed appreciate your writing and have for a while now, even when I see it differently. This was just my outlet for the tensions I felt in response to your wrestling with your own tensions. I was hoping to sort out or at least highlight the complexity and risks of applying these types of thought patterns to such a serious situation. I wish I had better words of wisdom to offer than just parody. As we both know, it can be excruciating to just sit with such unresolved tensions indefinitely, and the heart and mind seek answers that bring relief. I appreciate you sharing your struggle, and your progress. It feels like the stages that some kids go through on their way out of the insanity have parallels to what parents also go through. I know I've gone through my own phases of "ideology whiplash", and I'm sure it's not over yet.
I honestly can't stop reading and giggling through it. I missed the best lines from the first half in my initial reply:
"I watched The Sound of Music backwards and forwards, read Churchill’s memoirs, even attended a weekend retreat called “Boundaries and Blitzkriegs.”
"My son and I had moments of real connection—he loved schnitzel night, and we once sang a touching duet of Edelweiss"
"I began to see how “being Allied” was changing me. I started seeing stormtroopers in every suit. I yelled at a toddler for stacking blocks in too militaristic a fashion. I stopped attending bridge night because Mildred once praised German engineering.
And here’s the real confession: in my obsession with defeating evil, I became kind of…not good."
Parody is important and you have a gift for it. "..and the heart and mind seek answers that bring relief." Thank you for being here.
Very funny parody, and I love so much that StoicMom took it in good faith and that you were both able to then have a compassionate and thoughtful exchange of differing perspectives.
You both give me hope.
This fun parody is AI generated I think. But it does bring up important questions. I don't know if you are familiar with dr. Becky or Janet Lansbury. Their work is on parenting. I think this parody highlights something they talk about - who we are vs. who we want to be and how to bridge the GAP between the two. It is in our mistakes where we can show compassion and understanding but that does not exclude our eyes still being clearly looking out to our values ❤️
However it was generated, "fun" is a good word for it. We could all use a little more play.
I don't know these names, but I love how you describe where the gap is and a compassionate relationship with our mistakes. I think we need to be careful about the source of "who (we think) we want to be" and ensure it's coming from our hearts and our values rather than a template being handed to us. Authenticity gives us access to our whole selves while identity necessitates projection. Thank you for this thoughtful comment!
Yes! I love your comment about the source ❤️ And it comes full circle with teaching our children, by example, just that ❤️
I'm asking this as a relative novice with spotting AI generated content: I can sometimes pick up the non human cadence in the content (honestly I don't even know what that means, just that there is something a little too "tidy" in AI commentary), but the humour in this piece seemed decidedly human... Could AI really come up with a line like "Churchill won't return my calls"? I am genuinely curious as to how you you arrived at your suspicion.
it honestly is too much work for a human in this context. also, i have a lot of experience with talking to AI on daily basis, so it seemed just like something someone would pass to AI to do ❤️
AI is uprading all the time so it is best not even to try to decode the content but the context, the why behind will show you usually if it is a human quite fast ❤️
My first reaction when reading the title of your post about you no longer being gender critical was that your non-belief was in itself, a luxury belief. My mind went immediately to those poor women in prison locked up with trans-identifying men and how they don’t have the privilege of not being gender critical. I also thought of the saying, “choosing not to do something is a choice,” and that maybe choosing not to believe something is a belief.
Then I thought I would be nice and actually READ your post! It was beautifully written, and I can understand why you came to the position that you did. Saving and strengthening your family is a mother’s primary job.
Then I started asking myself, what do I actually believe? I don’t use the term gender critical, I use the term gender atheist, and I still think it works for me. Let me explain. As a religious atheist, I have a live and let live view of other people’s religions. I have no desire to “crush” anyone’s beliefs. You do you, just as long as you don’t impose your beliefs on me or my family. When my daughter got caught up in the nonsense, being a gender atheist focused my energies and ire on the boundaries that were being violated. I don’t believe in gendered souls, thus my gender atheism. Believe what you want, but I don’t want to participate in your rituals, and I don’t want you teaching my child that your beliefs are facts. I am also very concerned about how adherents of this belief system impose their metaphysical beliefs on society through policies and laws that target vulnerable people. Conversations with my daughter were about my beliefs and boundaries and how it was perfectly fine for loved ones to hold differing views. I leaned into the relationship. I trusted her; she’s a smart kid and can be a critical thinker as long as she’s not focusing solely on pushing back against me. In hindsight, focusing on myself and my needs gave her room to critically examine the various beliefs and identities that she was trying on. She hasn’t given up the belief system in its entirety, but she’s holding it less tightly.
Thank you for the thought and care you put into this comment! I appreciate your note about luxury beliefs and the opportunity to address what I'm sure crosses many minds. Where I've landed on this is that there are so many tragedies occurring in the world, and I'm one person who can't shoulder the weight of them all. If I focus on all the things I can't change, I would drown in overwhelm and lose all hope for humanity. I think many of our children feel this burden and hopelessness, and I'd like to model for them that life is a miracle and can be as beautiful as we make it. So instead, I focus my strengths, skills, and energy on an area that I'm passionate about and where I think can make a significant impact. I believe strongly that the most enduring change begins at home--in ourselves and what we model and provide for our children. I've said to my own kids, "my job as the mom is to prioritize my family's health and wellbeing" like you note in your comment. Clearly we also align on the "I'm the expert on my family." If I can do this without rigid identification with a set of beliefs, and with faith in my kids' very human capacity and drive to figure out how to be in the world, I provide an environment that allows for their own flexibility and adaptation. I appreciate you!
Yes, the concept of modeling was/is huge. I appreciate you too!
Love this so much, dear Stoicmom. I feel you, I see you, I can see all the suffering on all the sides as well. Coming home to ourselves, to accepting what is in the present, and to showing up with love and compassion both for us and those we care about, that is the deepest work. And I love that Rumi quote. I'll meet you there.
Thank you for this! As you can imagine this one took a lot out of me and I hovered over the publish button for an agonizingly long time. It seems I have little choice about being the messenger of difficult truths--like something else possesses me when it's time to say something this hard. Having this comment come quick and first--well it made me weep.
Thank you for your challenging ideas and bullet points on mistakes you thought you've made under the title of "gender critical". Your work and writing is so important.
I don't believe that label means those "mistakes", rather it is another example of appropriating language to explain behavior and some bad actors gave it an expanded definition to include righteous indignation. Gender critical originally meant disagreeing with gender identity put above biological sex. By that definition, I am gender critical. I will not use opposite sex pronouns. By definition from the UK Supreme court recently, I am a woman. These aren't really labels or identities for me, I just am. I do not think people are born in the wrong body. I don't believe people even have a gender identity - I believe they think they do. I believe in envy. I believe in feeling so different people search for meaning. I believe our culture is so, so flawed, like you say "sick society", that it has lied to its people. And I won't lie to children. No one can change their sex.
My daughter knows I believe all this and that I can handle her disagreeing with me and that I can handle her big, big emotions. We don't discuss it as I help her find her way, her identity. She is more than gender so there is much more to focus on. I have to model the positive behavior of a gender critical parent.
In my upcoming conversation on TPP, I think I say something like gender critical began as an adjective that morphed into an identity. If we're able to notice whether it evokes a sense of righteousness that can be helpful in discerning whether we're overidentifying and are externally oriented, rather than to our own internal compass--our own hearts. If there is an agenda preventing connection with our children, I hope to encourage consciousness and agency around that. I always appreciate you and your perspective!
I can't wait to listen! I have encountered some gender critical folks holding the line of truth at all costs, using it as a license to judge and find a tribe of like-minded others. Activists of "Us against the world!" Yes, there has got to be a better way than this. A more curious way. Maia Poet just wrote that there is a reason our children got to this point. We have to keep searching.
The term Gender critical is a misnomer. It is now used widely by a religious or conservative community opposed to postmodernist transgenderism; but it comes originally from a women’s liberation perspective. That is still my perspective, that gender is a negative social construct of the patriarchy.
I look askance at ALL cosmetic surgery, not merely the latest “sex change” version, which promises more hope than it delivers.
I also look askance at ALL cosmetic surgery and other solutions that promise more hope than they offer. I think what we're really dealing with is existential pain and the meaning crisis.
I thought I commented on this somewhere that for me the term gender critical means I engage in critical thinking. I'm sorry if some people are rigid and acting as if it's an ideology, but to label the term in a negative way when I think there's a lot of good thought being shared in its name is unfortunate
I was contemplating the same thing: I use the term as if I am applying critical thinking to the conversation of gender. Having been in very liberal circles, using the term gender critical actually became a point of liberation for me. I no longer had to nod long to get along, I could make a proclamation that was my own, well- examined and carefully chosen. For that reason being gender-critical, keeps me in a discerning space of critical thinking actually. I can love my daughter and want a relationship with her, remain compassionate to whatever struggle she is having within, while maintaining my own reality in evaluative thinking.
I appreciate this and think we can overidentify with just about any label. Mostly I'm hoping to increase awareness that this may be happening and encourage parents to notice if it's not just the child's identity causing problems in the family system. ;)
Thank you for sharing this. I have traveled this road as well. With way further words I came to realize our relationship depended on maintaining ‘My’ authentic self, while letting go of my assertions of the polarity of truth vs ideology.
Meanwhile, keeping steadfast in the beauty of true love, that is patient, is kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, does not dishonor others, is not self seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil,
Rejoices with the truth
Always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres
Love never fails
❤️
Thank YOU for sharing this beautiful comment.
Thank you for sharing this update. Sometimes I need a prompt to help me figure out where I am on my own journey. You are absolutely spot on.
This is where I am at with my daughter. I affirmed socially as thought I was supporting and you can be yourself and change one way then the other, how wrong I was. They have just burrowed down and when I said I couldn't say yes to them medicalising (they are 17) they feel I have betrayed them. That wasn't my intention I just couldn't have that responsibility on my head in the future. They hate me and only see all the mistakes I have made. I'd love to know how you created stability and let go of being right and regained connection.... its all I want but it's so hard when they blame me for so much. Their memories and view is so distorted I don't know how to approach them. I try but they put up blockades of blame, shame and guilt trips which is impossible to navigate.
"blockades of blame, shame and guilt trips" Yes, I would agree that this is impossible to navigate. Are you subscribed to Attachment Matters? You may find some helpful information in those conversations, along with the "resources and reflections". www.attachmentmatters.substack.com
This is all so painful and confusing--hang in there, Mama!
Thank you. I can't seem to use the link and if I type it in to an internet browser it doesn't work. Can you help?
Also, we'll be accepting new mamas into the online community later this month, and our focus in on Mom's inner work which can go a long way to restoring relationship--which is what's within your power to do.
Thank you so much. I'm listening to them all thank you
You're very welcome! (And I've noticed--thanks for the likes!!)
Hmm. https://attachmentmatters.substack.com <--try that and if it doesn't get you there, search Substack for Attachment Matters
I have been cycling between fear, anger, hope and lots of other emotions since my son started with the magical thinking. It’s such a messy world anyway. While I think it’s important not to go along with his illusion that he is a woman, I also want to relax about it if I can. I don’t like that I have become so attached to being the warrior mom. Thanks for the essay.
Thank you for this comment! I wouldn't encourage anyone to just go along with something that didn't feel honest. I think it's when we can recognize when we've overidentified with an identity like "warrior mom" that we can operate with more integrity and less agenda. Relaxing might be just the ticket.
Surely “critical” is not a good stance for promoting another person feeling respected and heard. The phenomenon of this spread of a drastic practice being promoted as necessary medical intervention is much too complex to simply say that it’s inherently bad and needs to be discontinued, especially when there are people who insist that it was experienced as necessary for them. Medical professionals are the ones who collaborated in the overreach of these interventions, and medical professionals need to grapple with what has been happening in violation of “Do No Harm” and subsequently what best practices should instead be put into place going forward.
No.
You are trying to project your own debilitating distress onto the rest of us. Stop that, it's counter-productive.
We are not going to let our distress keep us from fighting to protect our kids.
If you need to take a break, you go right ahead. Stop trying to pull us down with you.
Hi there. I appreciate you sharing what you took away from this piece. I think it's important to attune to and follow your heart.
As for me, mine does indeed pull me down into the grass where life is too full to talk about. I can paint a picture but can't control what others see in it.
"Hi there. I appreciate you sharing what you took away from this piece. I think it's important to attune to and follow your heart."
This kind of language and thinking typifies an approach to issues that I find meaningless and a little ridiculous. Understanding and delegitimizing the ugly and destructive cult of gender requires clear thinking grounded in objective reality and the willingness to make proper use of labels and definitions. You do you, but your assertions and attempts to promote your point of view fall flat for me, and I suspect for many other people as well.
There are no good guys or bad guys In biology. Your daughter has an acquired behavior biologists call sexual mimicry.
It tends to occur most often in males, where they imitate females to avoid male social competition, and to gain access to females for reproduction.
In females, male imitation occurs when females want to avoid male sexual attention, and to dominate resources for offspring among other females.
Sometimes it occurs cross-species. The mirror orchid mimics both the visual and olfactory presentation of certain female wasps so males will attempt to mate and fertilize the orchid. The female Photuris firefly imitates the female Photinus to lure and eat male Photinus.
Humans are animals, and sexual mimicry in humans operates precisely the same way as in other animals which exhibit it. Animals evolved the behavior in réponse to aggressive sexual selection pressures, where mimicry is a strategy to bypass ordinary competition.
Animals have no gender. They have sex and a spectrum of sex-related behaviors. Humans are animals and likewise have a spectrum of sex-related behaviors.
Once we understand this sex behavior is rare but quite natural, like homosexuality or hyperpromiscuity, we can all ensure that negative impacts are managed thoughtfully rather than through politics.
Consider that chemical and surgical interventions are also politically motivated by those who try to enforce agreement with imitation because. They cannot sustain the mimicry indefinitely, and want all who exhibit the behavior to amplify it irrespective of the harm it creates.
Biology and family are identities, permanent facts. Trying to change either creates trauma because they cannot be altered. I hope you avoid trauma with your daughter.
I have a long list of some animals:
https://open.substack.com/pub/sufeitzy/p/mimesexuality-11-ad-finem?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Amazing! I'll definitely check this out. Ty!!
"There are no good guys or bad guys in biology." Love this. And fascinated by this biological perspective--thanks for taking the time to share it! I'd already suspected this might factor considerably into my daughter's current experience: "male imitation occurs when females want to avoid male sexual attention"
Since you opened the conversation, I'm going to share what I think is missing here, and that's how humans make sense of their experiences: story, and that we can use our narrative abilities to create meaning that supports a healthy approach--or an unhealthy approach that makes us even more miserable. Being aware and exercising agency here can mean the difference between a life of misery or a life of meaning and richness.
I'd also be interested to know how biology accounts for social contagion and other cultural factors that might drive sexual mimicry? Are these factored in or simply discounted? Maybe this is a chicken and egg sort of question?
And finally, doesn't family rejection also create trauma? It does seem we're referring to psychological trauma that occurs while trying to change sex or family? Clearly there's also physical trauma associated with the former. My aim with this piece is to help families mediate some of this trauma through our story and meaning making functions--that I'd doubt, but I'm no expert here, other species share.
In species with family structures, the female version (some apes, the hyena, certain fish) it is to preserve the family unit during social stress like territorial encroachment.
I agree completely that knowing what is transpiring and being honest about it is the difference between misery and being together.
So interesting!
> "Humans are animals and likewise have a spectrum of sex-related behaviors."
Exactly right! AKA genders -- 😉🙂 AKA sexually dimorphic personality and behavioral traits -- a rather ubiquitous phenomenon throughout all anisogamous species, including the human one.
Apropos of which, y'all might enjoy this classic example from evolutionary psychologist, Paula Wright:
PW: Ruff Sex and Sneaky Fuɔkers;
The males of this species are highly unique as they appear to have three different 'genders' which, unlike other species, do not appear to be triggered by environmental inputs. They are genetic. Lank calls these three morphs: 1) the Territorial aka Independent; 2) the Wingman aka Satellite; 3) the female mimics aka Faeder"
https://www.paulawrightdysmemics.com/p/ruff-sex-and-sneaky-fukers?triedRedirect=true