Thank you for this piece. I really needed to hear this today. My daughter has been taking testoterone for the last two years and had her breasts amputated about a year ago. Today I just discovered she ordered a cup and jock strap because she is going to have her first boxing match this weekend. She will be fighting a man. You can imagine my horror and worry. I was going to search detransitioners to see what prompted them to leave this cult. But I found this piece in my Gmail first. I think I know deep down that there is nothing I can do. She needs to find her way out of the darkness on her own.
This is so terrifying, and I can only imagine the distress you're experiencing! You are "doing something" by understanding your own limits. I believe the best way you can help her find her way out of the darkness is to model for her how to shine a light in there. Have you faced your own darkness? Thank you for leaving this comment, and I hope it was okay for me to respond in this way. It's helps other too. <prayer hands> Do you have an update on how the match went?
This came at just the right time for me, too. What has worked for us is my learning to soften, which encouraged my daughter to soften toward me as well. She still challenges me on this issue, but I soften as much as I can and also try hold to my values, and she knows to expect my approach. I generally no longer fear estrangement, though it's in the back of my. mind. I have to have faith in myself knowing I'm doing the best for her and our family by treating her with respect, compassion, and courage to be truthful when I have to be.
“Urgency” is my word for the week. Although the gender issue has been an urgent focus for many years, I’m feeling like it’s a wack-a-mole situation of fixating on something that I’m needing to improve,perfect, etc. The journey for me to relax and to stop trying to control things that I cannot control is a long one. It’s a diversion from experiencing/ accepting what is, as is any other addictive coping mechanism.
There is much wisdom in your piece. It misses an aspect of the abusive kid. Some of our kids have not only changed their bodies with the drugs and surgeries, but they are deep into a very dark space and have gone much further in a multi-dimensional destructive path. Some have treated their parents so badly that there is nothing whatsoever to be "delighted" in. They have behaved in ways that tarnish the family name and profoundly disrespects their heritage, which affects the entire extended family.
Many parents are living quality lives despite all that. We model a moral compass, compassion and many other fine qualities. Out of self-respect for ourselves and our mental well-being, we don't tolerate abuse anymore. Some of our kids went very dark. Distancing and disengagement from a kid's mistreatment and disrespect is what sometimes saves us moms and dads. We let our kids go, and we live our lives without them because we value ourselves when our kids see us as worthless and disposable.
Perhaps only some of us have kids that go so deep into darkness that he or she seemingly cannot remember even one pleasant memory or positive aspect of their parents or childhood. Our flaws and failures are all they see, and they have lost touch with anything that once was good. So, we save ourselves and take care of ourselves. So I agree with you that parents must save themselves, and sometimes that means completely letting their kid go.
I suspect that most parents don't have kids that went that far, so your piece will fit most parent readers. You can't always reach the extremes, and most may fit into your frame. I appreciate your work.
Thank you for sharing your response to this article. I agree that parents must model their values and care for their own well-being. I think I probably see something a little different when parents experience their children as abusive, yet I know there are situations where distance is needed for parents to maintain their self-respect and dignity. I do think many families are up against all odds in today's divided world.
Thank you for this piece. I really needed to hear this today. My daughter has been taking testoterone for the last two years and had her breasts amputated about a year ago. Today I just discovered she ordered a cup and jock strap because she is going to have her first boxing match this weekend. She will be fighting a man. You can imagine my horror and worry. I was going to search detransitioners to see what prompted them to leave this cult. But I found this piece in my Gmail first. I think I know deep down that there is nothing I can do. She needs to find her way out of the darkness on her own.
This is so terrifying, and I can only imagine the distress you're experiencing! You are "doing something" by understanding your own limits. I believe the best way you can help her find her way out of the darkness is to model for her how to shine a light in there. Have you faced your own darkness? Thank you for leaving this comment, and I hope it was okay for me to respond in this way. It's helps other too. <prayer hands> Do you have an update on how the match went?
This came at just the right time for me, too. What has worked for us is my learning to soften, which encouraged my daughter to soften toward me as well. She still challenges me on this issue, but I soften as much as I can and also try hold to my values, and she knows to expect my approach. I generally no longer fear estrangement, though it's in the back of my. mind. I have to have faith in myself knowing I'm doing the best for her and our family by treating her with respect, compassion, and courage to be truthful when I have to be.
“Urgency” is my word for the week. Although the gender issue has been an urgent focus for many years, I’m feeling like it’s a wack-a-mole situation of fixating on something that I’m needing to improve,perfect, etc. The journey for me to relax and to stop trying to control things that I cannot control is a long one. It’s a diversion from experiencing/ accepting what is, as is any other addictive coping mechanism.
There is much wisdom in your piece. It misses an aspect of the abusive kid. Some of our kids have not only changed their bodies with the drugs and surgeries, but they are deep into a very dark space and have gone much further in a multi-dimensional destructive path. Some have treated their parents so badly that there is nothing whatsoever to be "delighted" in. They have behaved in ways that tarnish the family name and profoundly disrespects their heritage, which affects the entire extended family.
Many parents are living quality lives despite all that. We model a moral compass, compassion and many other fine qualities. Out of self-respect for ourselves and our mental well-being, we don't tolerate abuse anymore. Some of our kids went very dark. Distancing and disengagement from a kid's mistreatment and disrespect is what sometimes saves us moms and dads. We let our kids go, and we live our lives without them because we value ourselves when our kids see us as worthless and disposable.
Perhaps only some of us have kids that go so deep into darkness that he or she seemingly cannot remember even one pleasant memory or positive aspect of their parents or childhood. Our flaws and failures are all they see, and they have lost touch with anything that once was good. So, we save ourselves and take care of ourselves. So I agree with you that parents must save themselves, and sometimes that means completely letting their kid go.
I suspect that most parents don't have kids that went that far, so your piece will fit most parent readers. You can't always reach the extremes, and most may fit into your frame. I appreciate your work.
Thank you for sharing your response to this article. I agree that parents must model their values and care for their own well-being. I think I probably see something a little different when parents experience their children as abusive, yet I know there are situations where distance is needed for parents to maintain their self-respect and dignity. I do think many families are up against all odds in today's divided world.
Thank you for this reminder Stoic mom. I really needed this today
Love this. I think all of this can be so AND I don’t have to lie. The truth is my self care. Without it kindness is just placating platitudes.
Thank you so much for writing this thoughtful piece. It really speaks to me.