Who's coming to save you?

Members of the Tapestry and my clients all know that I strongly discourage focusing your attention and resources on desistance.

Why am I so passionate about this? There are many reasons and I’ll tackle some doozies in the paragraphs to follow. I know I frustrate and upset many people with my perspective, and this article is likely to poke at that same discomfort. Yet I also suspect there are few who will say these difficult things to you. I have been at this awhile now. I’ve engaged with many families going through this. You’re likely here because you’ve tried all the things and somehow feel worse than ever. You’re craving something different and you know you’ll not get the same-o here. Something keeps bringing you back. I hope you listen to it.

What follows is based on my own journey through this darkness, as well as my observations of the parenting experience in general when it comes to the confusing world of gender and identity. I’ll state the behaviors and attitudes that I see are inspired by this orientation of the desistance-focused (I was part of this crowd for years) then describe how they work against parents, from an attachment and human dynamics perspective (which I’ve found to be a far more productive obsession than getting my PhD in you-know-what.) Give it a read and see if any of this rings true to you or describes some of what you’re experiencing:

• You’re inclined to “go direct” or teach your child why this is bad. The bottom line here is not only are they not interested, they’re likely hostile toward this information. All the data in the world, all the desistance stories you can collect, all the fighting you’ve engaged in to be heard–none of this is likely to “convince” them to let go of this path. You’re also reinforcing the terrible stories they hear about you: that you’re transphobic, bigoted, hateful, dangerous. Identities are not conscious, rational choices. They’re formed to get our needs met. As long as this is working to give them a sense of belonging, of hiding behind a carefully curated personality, a meaningful cause to champion–I could go on–all the research you could show them will not make the impact you hope for and, in many cases, will backfire and increase emotional distance.

(Surprisingly, if desistance is not your main goal, you may have more luck with this teaching approach. Hopefully, this will make some sense by the end of this article.)

• This somehow has become your problem, your obsession, and it feels very personal, which means that now it’s about you. And kids can sense this. They can sense when you’re not okay and that’s scary for them. You’re convinced you must rescue your child from a dangerous cult, but if you tune in, you may recognize that it’s the intolerable feelings of failing at this task that drive your mission. When you need something this badly from your children, it’s incredibly challenging—if not impossible— to be the grounded parent they need you to be, and they’ll feel repelled by this. Our fear scares the shit out of our kids.

• It quickly becomes difficult to see your child as a whole person. Especially if you see this cultural phenomenon as evil and your child as captured. The compulsion to rescue them will taint your lens. You end up missing so many beautiful moments, their little (or large) achievements that they need you to see and appreciate, possibilities for connection and strengthening the attachment will be lost in the noise. Without this loving connection and a sense that you delight in them, your former influence as their parent diminishes; you begin to experience this emotional distance, followed by alarm that spirals into hopelessness and impotence.

• You notice your child avoids you. Your state of being determines how attractive you are to others–your kids included. And if they sense they’re responsible for your state, they’ll evade that burden. Also, the intense parental gaze that is hypervigilant for signs of desistance, maturity, independence–all the things we hold ourselves responsible for instilling in them or beat ourselves up for failing at–will feel unbearable to an emerging adult. It communicates that they are incapable of handling life without our constant observation and guidance, and robs them of personal responsibility. If we think it’s still our job to hold them accountable to our vision for them when they’re young adults, we may find ourselves wondering why they never seem to have time for us or feel miles away or obstinate when in our presence.

• You cling so tightly to the outcome you desire, vigilantly pursuing information, ravenous for anything that acknowledges your experience and confirms your stance. You’re desperately grasping for strategies that have worked for others to escape the nightmare stories. And you’re modeling obsession. Rigidity. Certainty. All the things we know keep our children stuck. Are you stuck? Who’s modeling flexibility, grace, and resiliency for your child? It is a rare situation for a child to soften ahead of their parents. That is a freakily mature kid who can do that so if you’re seeking for this to happen, you may be waiting forever.

• You’re filled with urgency and stress, (see point above about your state of being), eyes on the goal, (see point above about missing out on potential for connection,) believing failure (whatever this is in your mind: persistent identification, legal name changes, medicalization, etc) to be The End. Not only is this terrible for your body and overall health, but I cannot express strongly enough the harm I think could be caused by this belief. Our children need to know that life continues after mistakes–even big ones that permanently change a body and will have lifelong repercussions. They need us to model that life continues and that humans have the resiliency to recover and live full, meaningful lives no matter the devastating mistakes we make along the way.

There are more, but I’ll stop here today. Are you starting to see how holding steadfast to a goal of desistance might be sabotaging your efforts to influence your children and keep them close? How it might actually be having the exact opposite effects than you so strongly desire?

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Sooo…what to do instead? Give up and just watch your child destroy their health and their future? Stand back and witness the culture consume your once beautiful, loving, promising kiddo whom you never imagined would put you through something this agonizing? Close off your heart and withdraw because it’s too painful to watch your child slip further and further away from you, your family, and who they once were?

I think many interpret the message of the SMP in this way.

Yet, this couldn’t be further from the truth. I believe the most important thing a parent in this situation can do is to grow bigger than this problem so you can be there for your child, no matter their choices. As long as you are threatened by this thing, whether fearful or hateful of it, and operating out of that terror or rage, odds are, you’re pushing your kid away. The identity, the culture, the “enemy” is winning and will eventually be the victor, leaving you the victim of the very thing you were likely most afraid of–whichever part of this that was.

I think what our kids need is faith that we can handle it. Whatever it is. Life with its extreme ups and downs and twists and turns. Faith that we can tolerate coming alongside them in whatever they get up to and be there to offer guidance and comfort as needed–and for young adults, this means on their terms. They will not come to us for this, or even allow it from us, if we make their experience about us and our needs.

For this to happen, we must find faith in ourselves and our capacity to keep developing. It will require much courage and persistence on your part to face your fears and not be threatened by this identity. If our children do not feel safe with us, our attempts to guide and support them will be met with counterwill. If you are offended by the implication that your child might not feel safe with you, I get it. I promise I do. It’s not fair! I went through it too and was stunned and appalled when I realized what I was up against to keep my family together.

Yet, this is what we’re faced with in today’s world. What it will require from you is nothing short of heroic. And you can do it.

Or you can write me off as naive, righteous, condescending, a traitor or deserter, what-have-you. Ignore this uncomfortable message that invites you to go to the scariest place of all, to look in the last place you want to for the strength to do what must be done to witness and heal your own wounded heart.

Because the truth is, no one is coming to save you and your family. You can’t outsource this. You can hire a therapist to fix your kid, join the cause against the cult, advocate for change, go after those who harmed you and your family and demand justice; and all this energy and effort may change things on this particular front for future families and that’s certainly not nothing. But ultimately, none of this will restore what has already been lost.

There’s actually only one person you can save: you. But by accepting this mission, by shifting the spotlight away from your child’s experience and turning it inward to face your fears and find your own inner resources, you make a profound impact on your world and your loved ones. This accomplishes so much, and I may need to outline the benefits of this reorientation in another article. (Though that’s what this Substack is basically all about.) Ultimately though, you free yourself from the victim/tyrant cycle you’re, perhaps unconsciously, caught up in.

And the surprising thing is this: I’ve seen time and again where when mom is able to “grow bigger than” and loosen her grip on this goal of desistance, changing her focus to develop her own capacity for hard things, she experiences her child and the relationship with that child in a whole new, more grounded and connected way.

More often than not, the kid loosens their grip on the identity. I’ve seen this happen in every stage of the experience of moms with persistently identified kids. Before any permanent changes, after legal name changes, after testing out T for awhile, after seeing physical changes from T, after double mastectomies and all of the above. The child may still maintain their trans status (though some even let this go) but their state of being doesn’t depend on external validation of it.

I’ve also seen families reunite after the unthinkable (which again, varies from person to person.) Painful loss remains, but they’ve discovered their own resilient capacity for deep, open-hearted love, even in the midst of that deep pain. They discover they can hold all of it. They feel changed–bigger, softer, more open–as a result of moving through this and coming back together. From my experience in working with families, it is indeed when the parent gives up on desistance, on a rigid sense of their own identity, and focuses on growing themselves as a parent and as a human that this healing is made possible—and the evolving connections are somehow sweeter, more precious and more durable, than ever before.

I’ll note here that the blunt description I began this article with this is likely not a universal experience among the desistance-focused and if things have gone differently for you, I’d welcome more details in the comments. I’m always interested in “what’s working” especially when it comes to restoring relationships and keeping families together. My purpose is to raise awareness that increasing our capacity for connection, joy, influence, freedom, etc. is an inside job, and to keep directing you toward this work. You cannot effectively outsource your quality of life.

If you recognized yourself in how I describe a desistance-focus and feel things just keep worsening, maybe try something a little different today? Even just sitting quietly with the question, “Am I a victim of this experience?” If the answer is “yes”, the difficult but liberating truth here is that you’ll have to be your own hero, and it’s never too late to rescue yourself.