Weirdly sane?

Those of you who know my story, know that I became aware of my daughter’s identity about a year before I finally encouraged her to out herself to me. A friend of mine who was also mom to a girl in my daughter’s friend group is the one who first told me. I talk about that briefly in Coming Home where I also share the first resources I came across back in that fateful Spring of 2018.

It wasn’t until the following Spring that I pushed her to tell me herself. I sometimes wonder how differently things might have gone if I’d not been so insistent and let her grapple with the reality of the situation without being the one she needed to convince that she’s actually a boy. Pivotal Moments outlines more of these forks in my family’s road for anyone interested.

This time when I took to the internet, I stumbled across Benjamin Boyce interviewing Sasha Ayad. I remember watching this conversation in the middle of the night, hanging on every word, grateful there were more to watch. I was so disoriented, sick with a high fever, friends visiting from out of state, my daughter and I just on the other side of several days of epic conversations that—at this point—weren’t going too badly. It was the sleepless nights of research that were terrifying. This actually comes up in What’s Working—how when it was the two of us, I was okay; it was the horror stories I found online that shook me and threw me off my game. Now I see how much the internet contributed to my escalating panic and the loss of confidence in my parenting.

That said, like most of you here, it was incredibly comforting to learn that a resistance was forming. I had come quickly to the conclusion that “trans” was not something you were born with, but something happening in one’s mind and that another medical scandal was unfolding. Before my daughter’s healthy body was on the line, I’d not thought much about it; wanting to be accepting of others claiming they were trapped in the wrong body.

I was grateful to discover Benjamin Boyce and that he’d taken an interest in this subject; I think back then he called his podcast, “The Boyce of Reason.” I became a little obsessed with the Pique Resilience crew and loved all four of his interviews with these destransitioned young women. I started following Helena—didn’t know her last name back then.

I remember thinking, “BB needs to interview more moms.”

Four years later, I don’t spend much time on Twitter. Tbh, I don’t spend much time on any gender-related content. PITT articles still arrive almost daily in my inbox but I don’t often open them. A title sometimes speaks to me—usually I’m hoping to find parents who’ve found healthy ways to navigate this destabilizing circumstance. Recently, I was pleased with the post titled, “Letting Go” and engaged more in the comments than I have in some time. I wrote an article with a similar title last year that you can find in my archives: Is it time to let go?

Occasionally, a client will recommend something and I’ll give it a listen or a view. Jordan Peterson’s interview with Miriam Grossman showed up in my algorithm recently. I watched some of it and was grateful that she focused on the parents and the trauma this causes them. It does finally seem the parent experience is getting more play? Is it? I’m afraid I don’t really know. I’m okay with this—the not knowing. What I’m listening to right now is “The Tao of Pooh” (while I tie so many knots in my rapidly growing collection of macrame wall hangings); I also find myself interested in liology.

Photo by Дмитрий Хрусталев-Григорьев on Unsplash

So, it’s kinda funny that I wandered into Twitter last Friday to look at some unrelated thing—I don’t remember what—and in my inbox was a dm from Mr. Boyce. I felt like a bit of a jerk since it had been sitting there for days. He was inviting me to a conversation. With him and Helena Kirschner. I had mixed feelings. At first I was pretty dang excited! (Okay, I totally still am and after some back and forth about scheduling, the plan is for him and me to do a 1:1 and then we’ll have the conversation with Helena in a 2nd interview.) Benjamin Boyce is a much bigger deal than he was when I first discovered him and to get to talk with Helena is really a dream come true.

But I think it’s possible I’m a bit out of touch. I feel lots of pressure to represent the mom experience, but I don’t know how well I can do this or if I really want to. Last week I shared some of a recent conversation with my kid, titled The Bad Guy. What I didn’t share about our exchange was my kid’s repeated plea for me to “just be normal” “about anything” “for once, please!”

So yes, I’m a bit weird, but I think if you’re here, you’re probably a bit weird too. Maybe I can represent the weird moms? It’s funny that I didn’t used to value “normal.” I actually do now. I wish we could all see just how normal it is that our children are trying on this identity. I wish we could recognize that what our children are doing is quite normal and to be expected as they make sense of their place in the culture. That this is less about how we parented and more about the time and place that we’re parenting in. Please see Bad News, StoicMom waxing philosophical in 2023, and Making Sense for more of my thoughts on what it means to be “normal” in today’s world.

Personally, I believe it’s normal for humans to be born wired for curiosity, creativity, and a drive for meaningful contribution. Unfortunately, it’s no longer normal to grow up in environments that seem to recognize, let alone foster these very normal, healthy human drives (parents are all doing the best we can and outside influences will almost certainly handicap our efforts) so it’s now quite normal to develop a harsh inner critic that makes it pretty difficult to flourish in Life. If being weird means that I’m mentally and emotionally stable even in these dark times, I’ll take it.

I think what I’m trying to say is I was rather surprised by the invitation. Pretty sure the conversation will be very different than it would have been if invited even just last year, let alone four years ago. I am anticipating (hoping for? and confident in BB’s skill to ensure) some interesting threads will emerge. And I’m making no promises. My plan is to show up agenda-less beyond the intention to enjoy myself and flow with whatever comes up. And who knows? Maybe I can contribute in some small way to understanding what it’s like to parent in today’s world—and what it takes to stay (weirdly?) sane.