Making Sense

Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash

I often get the sense that many parents think their kids are doing this to them. That when their child adopts a trans identity it’s personal and intentional; like their child is consciously rebelling and rejecting the well-tested values and culture of their family of origin. I suspect these thoughts have the power to keep these parents stuck in anger or despair, sometimes even dropping down into chronic depression and numbness.

My continued research and developing understanding of ancient wisdom, attachment theory, and human development have all contributed to the hypothesis outlined in this article. Maybe it will help you make sense of what’s happening with our children who seem to do the opposite of what we’d like and even choose radically different worldviews than our own, making them seemingly impossible to “parent”.

I’ve shared in previous writing and in the coursework I offer through the SMP Center that I believe humans come wired with curiosity, creativity and a drive to contribute to society in meaningful ways, and that when we see defiance, a working to rule, or apathy, it’s the result of less than optimal conditions for human development. 

I think some parents take this personally too. And it makes sense. I agree with much of what this guy at Chill the F Out has to say about the parental role, “parenting is not about our children. It is about us.” Yet parents have immense pressure on them. When children behave in seemingly maladaptive ways, we as a culture want to point fingers and place all the blame on the parents. It’s no wonder parents are desperate to “fix” their children; their own social standing and self-perception would seem to depend on the outcomes of their offspring. How our children are functioning would appear to be the measure by which we are judged and found worthy—or not.  

But families also have many forces working against them. Our culture does little if anything to help foster a healthy attachment with our kids. It’s important to understand that children are wired to attach to their parents; nature embedded this beautiful mechanism to ensure the bond between parents and children that would increase the odds of human young safely reaching adulthood. And this has worked for our species for a very long time, or we wouldn’t be here right now…or we’d be a very different creature. 

Children instinctively know they need to follow their parents and abide by the culture of the tribe. Humans survive in groups, so there are biological mechanisms in place to support us to relate to each other, to take pleasure in depending on each other and being depended on. But now these two commandments of nature: “follow thy parents” and “abide by the culture of the tribe” often seem mutually exclusive. And dependency has become a loaded topic.

Humans once grew up in well-defined cultures with rites, rituals, roles, etc., and no one would think to question those; you just did what everyone else did. There wasn't a lot of choice in how you lived your life because there was just the one way. Now that we're exposed to numerous worldviews, it's rather confusing and many of us feel like we don't have a compass—especially when the mainstream culture feels unsatisfying and lacks meaning for us. 

And on top of this, we live in a world that no longer supports the development of the beautiful and natural human drives for connection, curiosity, compassion, contribution– so many heartwarming C words, eh? The bottom line that I’m getting at here is that our social structures don’t provide the conditions that our biology is expecting to be able to thrive in the world. Any parent failings are also the result of this astronomical shift away from our very nature. 

And even if parents do everything “right”, naturally providing their kids with loving and confident leadership and a strong, lively family culture, our children will inevitably spend time in the mainstream with its competing values and confusing messages about what’s “compassionate” and just how much is stacked against their future and how life isn’t much more than an oppressive slog that we all endure until we die–unless you’re one of the lucky ones who goes viral on TikTok and amasses enough of a following that you can just exhibit your daily activities for those who covet your good fortune. Okay, rein it in out of that rabbithole, SM!

It would make sense to me that when our children hit adolescence, that along with the arrival of puberty comes a very natural human drive to discover how we’re meant to fit into the larger world—beyond family—and its current systems. I believe there’s going to be an unconscious pull toward mainstream values; that as humans, we’re driven to adapt to whatever the current culture is and the strategies observed that seem to work for others to “find their place.” 

I think our kids are just doing what humans do. It’s really not about you. We think it’s all on us as parents to ensure our kids become “successful” adults, but we’re not the only models in the equation. There is still instinct built into our DNA, and wouldn’t it make sense that some of that drives us to explore the mainstream culture? To survive in the world, I suspect our young people are driven to adapt to whatever the structures of the day present to as options. 

In another time, parenting wouldn’t feel so hard. If the mainstream culture valued family connections, our children would too. Lately, I’ve fantasized about how lovely it would’ve been to have raised my children in Italy where mothers are so cherished. But I didn’t. Here we are. In this time and place where not only are families not valued and supported to provide the best possible conditions for their children, but quite the opposite. Our kids are getting a steady stream of messaging that we’re irrelevant or even dangerous; and our social structures (economy, education, etc.) almost certainly fray the attachment that nature intended to keep children bonded to us, wanting to please us and be like us. 

Do you see what all this means? Our kids are just being human. They’re just doing what their make-up demands of them. It must be so terribly confusing and painful for them, don’t you think? Being torn between these two cultures and not understanding why things feel so difficult, or worse yet, so meaningless. You may have taught them something different, but maturing into adulthood is less about what we’re explicitly taught and more about subconscious behavior drivers–those cultural pulls, psychic inheritance, strategies we unconsciously adopt as kids (attachment styles and behaviors stored in our implicit memory), who and what our influences are...  It would make sense to me that what we once recognized as normal adolescent “identity exploration” is part of this drive to find their place in the larger world. Unfortunately, today’s identity exploration encompasses some pretty dangerous strategies, and I’m not just referring to the trans label.

If we have a deeper understanding of what it means to be human then we have a better sense of what our children really need from us–but also what the limits are of what we can provide. Personally, I believe the most powerful thing we can do is model for them what it means to do life in a healthy way: how to be in the world authentically and in beneficial relationships with our selves and others, tapping into our natural curiosity, creativity, etc to discover our meaningful contribution. We can also guide them in ways that feel like an invitation to discover their own amazing human capacity rather than using guilt and judgment to direct their behavior to meet our needs. (If you’ve been doing this, it’s likely you just never had a model for anything different yourself.) Then when they’re more able to consciously choose what they want for themselves, I believe there’s a good chance that they’ll be drawn to the model that contains meaning and purpose, and values that lead to thriving over a dull, unsatisfying slog. 

I also believe that by doing the inner work needed to model this way of being in the world, we create more of those conditions that maximize the beautiful innate human qualities that so often start with C: clarity, confidence, courage are a handful more. If more of us are consciously living this way and are in communities where these qualities are valued, things just may change for the better. Maybe I’m a hopeless idealist? Maybe you don’t share my optimistic view of human nature. Maybe I’m flat out wrong about all this, but making sense of what’s happening in this way has profoundly shifted the experience I’m having. 

I had a conversation recently where I was sharing that I don’t feel fear anymore for my daughter’s future. The person I was talking with asked me why I don’t. At the time, the answer that came to me is that deep down, I don’t think she’ll actually medicalize. As I thought more about it, I realize this probably isn’t why the fear that tortured me in the beginning of this adventure is no longer my constant companion. I truly don’t know what my daughter’s future holds but I no longer live there—in that future—that previously played out on repeat in my imagination.

And I’ve made peace with my daughter’s experience because I no longer think I have the power or the responsibility to steer her life. I know I did all I was capable of to give my kids the most solid foundation I could, and I recognize the limits of what is now in my power to do. We’re all so very human. I was doing the best I could with my skills and understanding of how the world works, like we all are. I forgive myself what I didn’t know when my kids were younger. And I recognize how much was stacked against us as a family—and still is.

It’s clear that my kids have to navigate a pretty weird time and place in which things are changing precipitously and they’ve got to be able to adapt. They’re driven to find their place in this bizarre world, and I’m not always going to be able to keep up, nor would I want to. I can be curious about the mysteries still in our future, but I focus on the present moment. Right now both of my kids are here, in my home, and what is within my power is to enjoy parenting them and cherish our relationships while I still have such proximity. 

If I’m being totally honest, I am not certain one or both of my kids won’t choose to estrange themselves at some point. I’m not confident that if things in the larger culture continue to devolve and my children are forced to choose between the movement of the mainstream and our family, that they’ll choose us. That’s an intensely painful thought. But while I’ll feel terrible sadness and grief if this happens, I won’t take it personally; I know that pull is strong.

So I’ll be grateful for where we are right now and enjoy these beautiful, fascinating humans I birthed into the world, and my modus operandi will be that of meaningful connection in the hopes that pull will also be strong. My outcome is to ensure they know in their core, that if they find themselves in a place that ends up feeling wrong for them, there’s another way, and another tribe they can always return to. 

Can you see how this understanding not only frees me to live fully right now but actually demands it?

The learning that this circumstance has offered me, the opportunity to make peace with the most painful of outcomes that I can imagine, has offered me solid ground. This is part of the beauty of Stoicism, and it’s what liberates me from the prison of despair. Making sense of my children and their experience in the world relieves me of guilt and regret and reminds me that my responsibility now lies in the model I provide them for Life; I can show them how to be curious and compassionate and to keep learning and growing. And then I have to “chill the F out” and recognize I’m only one of the influences in their lives. Hopefully that attachment mechanism keeps bringing them home—to us who love them most.