What a wonderful conversation, thank you! I just bought Vashti's book and look forward to reading it.
One point I have learned from my own experience is the trap of "They were doing the best they could". I have said and thought this of my parents so many times. And it's 100% true: they were doing the best they could. They loved me deeply and gave me everything they could. They never meant to hurt me. and yet, they did hurt me.
I used that line for a long time to avoid the hard shadow and inner child work that comes with acknowledging that their best was simply not always good enough. When I said, yes it's true they did their best and I still need to go deeper and see what's hiding under my defense of my parents, I was shocked at the anger, resentment and pain that my inner children of various ages were still holding onto. And boy is it a shitshow to start healing that. It's an ingoing process, and if anything, I have more compassion and empathy for my parents, especially my mom, then I did before. She was parenting me the way she was parented, how could it be otherwise? But she grew up in a more oppressive time with far fewer opportunities so in many ways she had it worse than me.
And this process also makes me look at how I am like my mom in ways that I am happy about, and also to confront the hurtful ways I am acting towards my children that I didn't appreciate in her. I don't want to perpetuate those energies. I can come up with plenty of my own ways to mess up my children, TYVM!
The last thing about it I will say is this. I don't want my children to say about me "She was just doing her best". I am doing my best, AND I can evolve and do better. I want them both to feel open enough with me to say "you hurt me" without having to defend me. I am strong enough to sit with their pain and hear the ways I have failed at the most important task I can ever possibly imagine: being a parent to these beautiful beings who entrusted their lives to my care. What a gift and what a responsibility.
Thank you so much for this comment! I love this: "I am doing my best, AND I can evolve and do better. I want them both to feel open enough with me to say "you hurt me" without having to defend me. I am strong enough to sit with their pain and hear the ways I have failed at the most important task I can ever possibly imagine: being a parent to these beautiful beings who entrusted their lives to my care. What a gift and what a responsibility." Amen. I think you've captured the gist of the Attachment Matters conversation right here, and it sounds like you get the shadow work and why it's so important--and you're tackling it with the courage and honesty needed to truly grow from it. Thank you, thank you for sharing this here!
"I am doing my best, AND I can evolve and do better." Isn't this every one of us? But we have to be willing to see the shitshow!
What a wonderful conversation, thank you! I just bought Vashti's book and look forward to reading it.
One point I have learned from my own experience is the trap of "They were doing the best they could". I have said and thought this of my parents so many times. And it's 100% true: they were doing the best they could. They loved me deeply and gave me everything they could. They never meant to hurt me. and yet, they did hurt me.
I used that line for a long time to avoid the hard shadow and inner child work that comes with acknowledging that their best was simply not always good enough. When I said, yes it's true they did their best and I still need to go deeper and see what's hiding under my defense of my parents, I was shocked at the anger, resentment and pain that my inner children of various ages were still holding onto. And boy is it a shitshow to start healing that. It's an ingoing process, and if anything, I have more compassion and empathy for my parents, especially my mom, then I did before. She was parenting me the way she was parented, how could it be otherwise? But she grew up in a more oppressive time with far fewer opportunities so in many ways she had it worse than me.
And this process also makes me look at how I am like my mom in ways that I am happy about, and also to confront the hurtful ways I am acting towards my children that I didn't appreciate in her. I don't want to perpetuate those energies. I can come up with plenty of my own ways to mess up my children, TYVM!
The last thing about it I will say is this. I don't want my children to say about me "She was just doing her best". I am doing my best, AND I can evolve and do better. I want them both to feel open enough with me to say "you hurt me" without having to defend me. I am strong enough to sit with their pain and hear the ways I have failed at the most important task I can ever possibly imagine: being a parent to these beautiful beings who entrusted their lives to my care. What a gift and what a responsibility.
Thank you so much for this comment! I love this: "I am doing my best, AND I can evolve and do better. I want them both to feel open enough with me to say "you hurt me" without having to defend me. I am strong enough to sit with their pain and hear the ways I have failed at the most important task I can ever possibly imagine: being a parent to these beautiful beings who entrusted their lives to my care. What a gift and what a responsibility." Amen. I think you've captured the gist of the Attachment Matters conversation right here, and it sounds like you get the shadow work and why it's so important--and you're tackling it with the courage and honesty needed to truly grow from it. Thank you, thank you for sharing this here!
"I am doing my best, AND I can evolve and do better." Isn't this every one of us? But we have to be willing to see the shitshow!