Such a great conversation. It's so true that we parents won't get any thanks, and we likely won't get any apologies or remorse. I realized that was a big part of my struggle to accept the reality of what I am working with: I want remorse. I want an apology for the pain and struggle this clash of beliefs has caused. And I won't get any of it. And that's okay. When I let go of that need/desire (okay okay, I'm still working on it) it's so much easier to connect in a genuine and connected way.
❤ There is so much clashing of belief in today's world--and it is causing so much pain. It sounds like you're working to heal the resentment which will certainly interfere with genuine connection.
Having been through a rather intense and very helpful and effective process with you, StoicMom, I have to say that my initial reactions when the resentment started creeping back in were surprise, a little bit of annoyance and a fair bit of shame. But I shook those off fairly quickly and revisited my toolbox to work through the various disconnecting feelings. I was able to recognize the resentment much more quickly than before, so it was less intense and didn't have time to get too entrenched. I can't say it's all the way gone. But it's not the giant wall it would have been previously. Now it's more of a bumpy road that I know how to navigate.
Beautiful! Life will keep testing our skills and our resolve, I'm afraid. Appreciate you sharing this update where others might benefit from your experience. 🙏
If you have some idea of what was said in the comments you left, I may be able to help you find them. Just let me know, though I've got a pretty full plate until after the holiday and it might take some digging. When I get back from visiting our daughter, I'd be happy to see what I can do to help you locate what you're looking for.
You offered to find a comment I wrote in response to one of your posts. If you have a spare moment, I’m looking for the piece about my journey through depression and suicidal thoughts and my current state of anger regarding gender ideology.
Hi Lulu. Thanks for taking the time to comment! You can learn more about the support group by visiting the SMP Community Center tab at the SMP Substack menu or go to https://the-stoicmom-project.mn.co/ and be sure to scroll down below the header image. There you'll find the application to be vetted for the community. We warmly welcome new moms looking for a healthier way of navigating this circumstance.
What a great conversation. My daughter seems to be in the process of desisting, but it's positively nerve-wracking - 2 steps forward, 1 step back. It was helpful to hear that I shouldn't look for an abrupt desistance nor an apology for all the trauma she put our family through. I'm surprised with how angry I am at her - for years all I thought I would feel is relief. I need to let it go.
Thank you for sharing these honest and vulnerable feelings, Laura! There are a couple things in here that might make great discussion themes at Sunday's meeting. ;)
Hmmm, I just noticed....you remove comments that don’t completely support your efforts to ‘grow’ through this experience with our children? Am I wrong?
The trans identity as individuation and separation, particularly from mom, is an important concept.
Another important idea is that you have to be quiet enough that your child can hear their own niggling doubts.
Yes--well said, Julia! I appreciate you identifying that and highlighting it here in the comments.
Such a great conversation. It's so true that we parents won't get any thanks, and we likely won't get any apologies or remorse. I realized that was a big part of my struggle to accept the reality of what I am working with: I want remorse. I want an apology for the pain and struggle this clash of beliefs has caused. And I won't get any of it. And that's okay. When I let go of that need/desire (okay okay, I'm still working on it) it's so much easier to connect in a genuine and connected way.
❤ There is so much clashing of belief in today's world--and it is causing so much pain. It sounds like you're working to heal the resentment which will certainly interfere with genuine connection.
Having been through a rather intense and very helpful and effective process with you, StoicMom, I have to say that my initial reactions when the resentment started creeping back in were surprise, a little bit of annoyance and a fair bit of shame. But I shook those off fairly quickly and revisited my toolbox to work through the various disconnecting feelings. I was able to recognize the resentment much more quickly than before, so it was less intense and didn't have time to get too entrenched. I can't say it's all the way gone. But it's not the giant wall it would have been previously. Now it's more of a bumpy road that I know how to navigate.
Beautiful! Life will keep testing our skills and our resolve, I'm afraid. Appreciate you sharing this update where others might benefit from your experience. 🙏
👆🏻This. So much this.
Hmm, well, I was looking for some verbiage I wrote in response to some of your posts and could not find any?
I was going to respond to a ridiculous op-ed in my local paper.
If I was wrong, I apologize! So sorry
If you have some idea of what was said in the comments you left, I may be able to help you find them. Just let me know, though I've got a pretty full plate until after the holiday and it might take some digging. When I get back from visiting our daughter, I'd be happy to see what I can do to help you locate what you're looking for.
Hi StoicMom,
You offered to find a comment I wrote in response to one of your posts. If you have a spare moment, I’m looking for the piece about my journey through depression and suicidal thoughts and my current state of anger regarding gender ideology.
Many thanks!
Check: And the day came...
Hopefully that's the one you're looking for!
I truly appreciate this conversation and what an eye opener on what I should focus on as far as a change in my relationship with my daughter!
This was a reminder of what does it mean to be a mother and continue to fight for our kids.
I wish I can be part of this support group as I have been looking for a while !
Thank you for sharing!
Hi Lulu. Thanks for taking the time to comment! You can learn more about the support group by visiting the SMP Community Center tab at the SMP Substack menu or go to https://the-stoicmom-project.mn.co/ and be sure to scroll down below the header image. There you'll find the application to be vetted for the community. We warmly welcome new moms looking for a healthier way of navigating this circumstance.
And p.s. It's on sale right now: https://open.substack.com/pub/stoicmom/p/it-takes-a-village?r=nm4vy&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
What a great conversation. My daughter seems to be in the process of desisting, but it's positively nerve-wracking - 2 steps forward, 1 step back. It was helpful to hear that I shouldn't look for an abrupt desistance nor an apology for all the trauma she put our family through. I'm surprised with how angry I am at her - for years all I thought I would feel is relief. I need to let it go.
Thank you for sharing these honest and vulnerable feelings, Laura! There are a couple things in here that might make great discussion themes at Sunday's meeting. ;)
Nope, I can’t find any of my comments on any of your posts 🤷♂️
I just sent an email. I'm not sure why you're not seeing them. Of the 3 comments on "And the day came...", 2 are yours.
Hmmm, I just noticed....you remove comments that don’t completely support your efforts to ‘grow’ through this experience with our children? Am I wrong?
I've never removed a single comment. Does it seem something is missing? I'd certainly like to investigate, if that's the case.