Hmm. Is it possible to explore Eloise's attitude of not giving the name so much power? And finding a way to navigate this demand from a place of integrity, rather than considering capitulation...? It may feel more like putting down your side of the rope rather than losing the tug of war. Hoping this makes some sense!
Thank you for this. So interesting how our stories, though different can be so similar. I never thought anything could be harder than caretaking and watching my mom die from cancer. But having a son who wants to be someone else, has definitely topped it. The lows have been unbearable low. We are about two years in. He has not started any kind of hormones and is mainly trans online. No one at school or outside our immediate family is aware of his desire. There might be suspicion. His hair is halfway down his back, he shaves his body hair and paints his nails black. But the jeans and graphic tshirts make him appear more grunge. I’ve started to see possible signs of stabilizing. It’s hard to know and I am trying to guard myself just in case it is wishful thinking on my part. Thank you all you do. It has been so helpful to not feel alone in this.
You're so welcome, Ann! I'm glad the content is helping you feel less alone.
I find myself very curious about what you mean by "stabilizing." Sounds like you may be on the roller coaster of desistance vigilance--are there ways you can stabilize yourself? Eloise talks about the tug of war. What did you think of her description of that dynamic?
We went through a sort of tug at the beginning. The first 6 months or so was really tough. On all of us. I’d like to say I handled things great at the beginning. But if I’m being honest the opposite was the case. I was a basket case. Lack of sleep and an emotional wreck. I wanted this trans stuff to just go away. And he wanted desperately to explore it. He was 16 at the time. My husband and I have put in time with him and re-exported our relationship with him. I needed to realize that he wasn’t my baby anymore, but not yet an adult. He needed some guidance on how to work toward becoming an adult. Now he is 18, getting ready to graduate. He isn’t pushing for more. I guess that is what I mean by stabilizing. He could be pursuing hormones , more female type clothing and announcing his new female name at High School. He isn’t. He might not be coming out of the rabbit hole. But it doesn’t appear that he is digging deeper in. I don’t think it is yet desistance and he could just be waiting until after graduation to blindside us. But he seems more confident in himself. I see more glimpses of the pre Covid boy. Maybe I’m just blindly hopeful. My husband and I both realize that there is only so much we can do. Our son needs to figure the rest out himself. Doesn’t mean we can’t try to lead him. But we can’t make him follow.
Sounds like you've done lots of conscious work to stabilize the situation! What would be different for you (and maybe for him) if you weren't monitoring signs of desistance in your son, and you trusted that he'd "figure the rest out himself" (with your unconditional love and support, of course)? What might shift if you didn't have any attachment to what the "rest" looks like and allowed his signals of emerging maturity to comfort you?
Not sure that "doing it all right" exists. ;) I think we're all just doing the best we can. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and approach--it definitely supports other parents!
Thank you for your perspective. I think I’m in a pretty OK place. I don’t cry daily anymore. And I am having to give some of this up. As far as diligence and watching for signs, I think that may be there with me for a long time. Even if he were to desist, it would take a while for me to lose the watchfulness. However I feel like we are allowing him to mature and try to figure this all out. But we will not help him to become more comfortable in the fantasy. I tend to be a fighter and a big mama bear. I can’t and won’t ever give up on him finding his way out of this madness. But I am willing to step back and allow him to discover some things on his own. He will be going to college in the fall. He will be faced with which way to go on all this. I feel if your child has an addiction whether it be the gender addiction or some other, there’s gonna be a little bit of fight in there for me as a parent until danger has passed. That doesn’t mean I’m not taking care of myself and doing the things I need to do. My husband and I both have a life to live separate from our children. And we are living it.
thanks for sharing your perspective too, Ann! I can sense the fighter and big mama bear in you. :) I also sense that your son can count on you to never give up on him; I think this is so important, to use Eloise's word, to "telegraph" to our children. And to quote Rose from Attachment Matters, "we are their forever relationship" and this is important for them to feel stable and have the courage to grapple with whatever life will throw their way. I'm glad to know that you and your husband are also continuing to live your lives and take care of yourselves. <3
This resonated with me because I’m dealing with a name change demand from my daughter right now.
It’s difficult and I’m tired of it consuming me.
I should know this, but what’s the Viktor Frankl book that Eloise mentions here?
Hmm. Is it possible to explore Eloise's attitude of not giving the name so much power? And finding a way to navigate this demand from a place of integrity, rather than considering capitulation...? It may feel more like putting down your side of the rope rather than losing the tug of war. Hoping this makes some sense!
Man’s Search for Meaning
Thank you for this. So interesting how our stories, though different can be so similar. I never thought anything could be harder than caretaking and watching my mom die from cancer. But having a son who wants to be someone else, has definitely topped it. The lows have been unbearable low. We are about two years in. He has not started any kind of hormones and is mainly trans online. No one at school or outside our immediate family is aware of his desire. There might be suspicion. His hair is halfway down his back, he shaves his body hair and paints his nails black. But the jeans and graphic tshirts make him appear more grunge. I’ve started to see possible signs of stabilizing. It’s hard to know and I am trying to guard myself just in case it is wishful thinking on my part. Thank you all you do. It has been so helpful to not feel alone in this.
You're so welcome, Ann! I'm glad the content is helping you feel less alone.
I find myself very curious about what you mean by "stabilizing." Sounds like you may be on the roller coaster of desistance vigilance--are there ways you can stabilize yourself? Eloise talks about the tug of war. What did you think of her description of that dynamic?
We went through a sort of tug at the beginning. The first 6 months or so was really tough. On all of us. I’d like to say I handled things great at the beginning. But if I’m being honest the opposite was the case. I was a basket case. Lack of sleep and an emotional wreck. I wanted this trans stuff to just go away. And he wanted desperately to explore it. He was 16 at the time. My husband and I have put in time with him and re-exported our relationship with him. I needed to realize that he wasn’t my baby anymore, but not yet an adult. He needed some guidance on how to work toward becoming an adult. Now he is 18, getting ready to graduate. He isn’t pushing for more. I guess that is what I mean by stabilizing. He could be pursuing hormones , more female type clothing and announcing his new female name at High School. He isn’t. He might not be coming out of the rabbit hole. But it doesn’t appear that he is digging deeper in. I don’t think it is yet desistance and he could just be waiting until after graduation to blindside us. But he seems more confident in himself. I see more glimpses of the pre Covid boy. Maybe I’m just blindly hopeful. My husband and I both realize that there is only so much we can do. Our son needs to figure the rest out himself. Doesn’t mean we can’t try to lead him. But we can’t make him follow.
Sounds like you've done lots of conscious work to stabilize the situation! What would be different for you (and maybe for him) if you weren't monitoring signs of desistance in your son, and you trusted that he'd "figure the rest out himself" (with your unconditional love and support, of course)? What might shift if you didn't have any attachment to what the "rest" looks like and allowed his signals of emerging maturity to comfort you?
Thank you. Not sure if I’m doing it all right. Just doing the best I can. I learn so much from all the other parents. It makes me so thankful.
Not sure that "doing it all right" exists. ;) I think we're all just doing the best we can. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and approach--it definitely supports other parents!
Thank you for your perspective. I think I’m in a pretty OK place. I don’t cry daily anymore. And I am having to give some of this up. As far as diligence and watching for signs, I think that may be there with me for a long time. Even if he were to desist, it would take a while for me to lose the watchfulness. However I feel like we are allowing him to mature and try to figure this all out. But we will not help him to become more comfortable in the fantasy. I tend to be a fighter and a big mama bear. I can’t and won’t ever give up on him finding his way out of this madness. But I am willing to step back and allow him to discover some things on his own. He will be going to college in the fall. He will be faced with which way to go on all this. I feel if your child has an addiction whether it be the gender addiction or some other, there’s gonna be a little bit of fight in there for me as a parent until danger has passed. That doesn’t mean I’m not taking care of myself and doing the things I need to do. My husband and I both have a life to live separate from our children. And we are living it.
thanks for sharing your perspective too, Ann! I can sense the fighter and big mama bear in you. :) I also sense that your son can count on you to never give up on him; I think this is so important, to use Eloise's word, to "telegraph" to our children. And to quote Rose from Attachment Matters, "we are their forever relationship" and this is important for them to feel stable and have the courage to grapple with whatever life will throw their way. I'm glad to know that you and your husband are also continuing to live your lives and take care of yourselves. <3