Wow, that's a lot. I agree, your daughter is both choosing you (her family) and projecting all her doubts onto you. It's easier to have external reasons for not moving on with your life, for not having accomplished all the things you "should" be accomplishing.
Kids are avoiding adulthood all over. I have so many patients who are 18, 19, 20 years old but don't have their driver's license yet. (I think this is more common in the urban kids - there are many ways to get around Portland without a car.)
I'd say she's otherwise doing well; she's saved twice what she spent on her first car toward her next vehicle. Keeping her world so small is the thing that has me the most concerned. I think it's taking ever more effort to cling to the fantasy, and right now, it makes up nearly her whole world.
Thank you for sharing a little of your life. It felt like we were talking on the phone while I tend to the fire in my fireplace! I am so sorry for your loss and will pray for your big family. Have a healing trip :-)
Hi. I read this weeks ago, and wanted to re-visit and comment on it. Now I don't know what to say other than that I am with you. Starting from the tragedy of your nephew, it does put things in perspective. If delusional thinking is the worst thing that happens in your immediate family (or mine), I guess we can count that as lucky. But I also wanted to comment that your insight into your daughter's dilemma hit home with me. I see my daughter struggling to maintain her fantasy that she really is a boy and that she will be so happy once she medically alters her appearance to that of a male-born person, and I wish I could be inside her head and direct her toward reality. But you are so right that this is not our role - as much as we wish it were. You are very brave to keep putting the ball back in her court and reminding her that this is really up to her. It shows such a level of trust in her, and I truly commend you for it.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts! Of course, I still hope she keeps her body intact and lets go of this fantasy in favor of a healthier individuation process, but she's an adult. This is the world we live in. This is the problem set we were dealt. I hope that doesn't sound too cavalier, but there's life to be lived, and I just can't spend it trying to control her. She's got to figure out how she's going to move through the world.
I had another dream last night. There was clearly a revolution going on and it was a dangerous world with people carrying automatic weapons and torching things. My son wanted to go out in it, and I knew all I could do was make sure he knew it was wild out there and help him know what to expect. And out he went.
Not at all cavalier. You're just saying that you can't - and probably shouldn't - try to control her decision-making, so you're not going to try. It would be a pointless waste of energy, could interfere with her process of figuring things out, and could also interfere with your relationship with her. Your dream says you're anticipating the same notion for your son as he begins to navigate whatever new craziness society throws his way. I have a tremendous respect for your attitude. I am trying with a 16.8 year old (yes, I'm breaking it down into tenths) to do the same thing as much as possible, while still doing what I can when I can to have some positive influence on her own decision-making process. It's a real delicate balance.
"It's a real delicate balance," indeed! This is the dance of late adolescence; beginning to release them to their journey while packing in as much influence as they'll allow before they take flight!
Thank you, Sam. And I agree about the importance of my daughter seeing these other sides of me. We get along well for the most part, but when we have these conversations, I find it really difficult to find my own vulnerability.
We made that roadtrip today and just enjoyed each others company in the car. She drove and shared her music and podcasts with me. I crocheted. ;)
Wow, that's a lot. I agree, your daughter is both choosing you (her family) and projecting all her doubts onto you. It's easier to have external reasons for not moving on with your life, for not having accomplished all the things you "should" be accomplishing.
Kids are avoiding adulthood all over. I have so many patients who are 18, 19, 20 years old but don't have their driver's license yet. (I think this is more common in the urban kids - there are many ways to get around Portland without a car.)
I'd say she's otherwise doing well; she's saved twice what she spent on her first car toward her next vehicle. Keeping her world so small is the thing that has me the most concerned. I think it's taking ever more effort to cling to the fantasy, and right now, it makes up nearly her whole world.
Thank you for sharing a little of your life. It felt like we were talking on the phone while I tend to the fire in my fireplace! I am so sorry for your loss and will pray for your big family. Have a healing trip :-)
Thank you, my friend.
Hi. I read this weeks ago, and wanted to re-visit and comment on it. Now I don't know what to say other than that I am with you. Starting from the tragedy of your nephew, it does put things in perspective. If delusional thinking is the worst thing that happens in your immediate family (or mine), I guess we can count that as lucky. But I also wanted to comment that your insight into your daughter's dilemma hit home with me. I see my daughter struggling to maintain her fantasy that she really is a boy and that she will be so happy once she medically alters her appearance to that of a male-born person, and I wish I could be inside her head and direct her toward reality. But you are so right that this is not our role - as much as we wish it were. You are very brave to keep putting the ball back in her court and reminding her that this is really up to her. It shows such a level of trust in her, and I truly commend you for it.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts! Of course, I still hope she keeps her body intact and lets go of this fantasy in favor of a healthier individuation process, but she's an adult. This is the world we live in. This is the problem set we were dealt. I hope that doesn't sound too cavalier, but there's life to be lived, and I just can't spend it trying to control her. She's got to figure out how she's going to move through the world.
I had another dream last night. There was clearly a revolution going on and it was a dangerous world with people carrying automatic weapons and torching things. My son wanted to go out in it, and I knew all I could do was make sure he knew it was wild out there and help him know what to expect. And out he went.
Not at all cavalier. You're just saying that you can't - and probably shouldn't - try to control her decision-making, so you're not going to try. It would be a pointless waste of energy, could interfere with her process of figuring things out, and could also interfere with your relationship with her. Your dream says you're anticipating the same notion for your son as he begins to navigate whatever new craziness society throws his way. I have a tremendous respect for your attitude. I am trying with a 16.8 year old (yes, I'm breaking it down into tenths) to do the same thing as much as possible, while still doing what I can when I can to have some positive influence on her own decision-making process. It's a real delicate balance.
"It's a real delicate balance," indeed! This is the dance of late adolescence; beginning to release them to their journey while packing in as much influence as they'll allow before they take flight!
Thank you, Sam. And I agree about the importance of my daughter seeing these other sides of me. We get along well for the most part, but when we have these conversations, I find it really difficult to find my own vulnerability.
We made that roadtrip today and just enjoyed each others company in the car. She drove and shared her music and podcasts with me. I crocheted. ;)