I often get the sense that many parents think their kids are doing this to them. That when their child adopts a trans identity it’s personal and intentional; like their child is consciously rebelling and rejecting the well-tested values and culture of their family of origin. I suspect these thoughts have the power to keep these parents stuck in anger or despair, sometimes even dropping down into chronic depression and numbness.
It became obvious to me as I was reading this that the Serenity prayer is the basis for your philosophy and is the “go to” idea that I find comforting. I have never really been that nervous on airplanes, but I have always had a problem with driving. That’s because I literally have no control once I’m on a plane. I have to just be at peace with my earlier decision to get on and go from there but doesn’t mean I welcome a crash. It just means I don’t dwell on that possibility. By contrast, when driving, there are constantly decisions to be made and actions to take so I’m not at peace because I have to continually think about what I’m doing next.
What I think you are saying is that you’ve taken all the “safely precautions” for getting on the plane of parenthood and the plane has taken off (daughter has been raised - as well as possible under the circumstances, with any past mistakes now out of your control to change). You’re not agonizing over a potential “crash” because there’s nothing really left to do except enjoy the view (of your beautiful daughter navigating life). For your son, there’s more left to do (some packing and a drive to the airport, etc.), but you know it will be the same once that plane takes off. It all makes a lot of sense. Society is pretty much out of our control at this point so we raise our kids with love and hope for the best. I hope I didn’t over-simplify your message, but that’s how I boiled it down in my mind.
I find so much value in your perspective and have enjoyed the podcasts I have heard. The shift in perspective that comes from letting go is of utmost importance on our own journeys to begin living a life beyond parenting and beginning to heal from the dissonance gender brings into our lives and our family relationships. That said, many parents with estranged and medicalized trans ID children are much more devastated and damaged by this, and it would be nice if you shared more of their experiences as they need more support from those of us lucky to still have contact with, or who have managed to deter our kids from choosing the medical pathway.
I often wonder if that was your story where you would be and what your messaging would be then. Don’t misunderstand me - I don’t wish that on anyone - I just want to be sure your are considering their stories in your approach?
If you have interviewed and helped those parents - can you share a link? Thank you!
Hi Jolene! Thanks so much for this comment and request. I have wondered myself about whether and how things might shift for me if my daughter were to pursue medicalization. I like to imagine that this Stoic approach and this effort toward making sense of our children's experiences will support me to continue to appreciate my full, rich life no matter what course things take. This doesn't mean there would not be pain and heartache resulting from choices my children might make--I do hope this is getting communicated through my work.
I will let you know that I have quite a number of moms among my clientele and in the SMP online community who have estranged and/or medicalized children who are finding this approach supportive to their own healing and shifting their experience. I also have interviews in my podcast archives of moms who represent this population:
Lisa, who I interviewed for "Be the change you wish to see" will be visiting us for a live zoom event next month for members of the SMP online community and there will be Q&A!
This makes a lot of sense to me. The challenge facing us as parents is to be able to cherish our kids unconditionally, recognizing that we are only one influence and most likely not the most potent influence.
Indeed, it's not an easy challenge! I do hope and like to believe that we make our influence more potent as we get better at modeling all those C words.
It became obvious to me as I was reading this that the Serenity prayer is the basis for your philosophy and is the “go to” idea that I find comforting. I have never really been that nervous on airplanes, but I have always had a problem with driving. That’s because I literally have no control once I’m on a plane. I have to just be at peace with my earlier decision to get on and go from there but doesn’t mean I welcome a crash. It just means I don’t dwell on that possibility. By contrast, when driving, there are constantly decisions to be made and actions to take so I’m not at peace because I have to continually think about what I’m doing next.
What I think you are saying is that you’ve taken all the “safely precautions” for getting on the plane of parenthood and the plane has taken off (daughter has been raised - as well as possible under the circumstances, with any past mistakes now out of your control to change). You’re not agonizing over a potential “crash” because there’s nothing really left to do except enjoy the view (of your beautiful daughter navigating life). For your son, there’s more left to do (some packing and a drive to the airport, etc.), but you know it will be the same once that plane takes off. It all makes a lot of sense. Society is pretty much out of our control at this point so we raise our kids with love and hope for the best. I hope I didn’t over-simplify your message, but that’s how I boiled it down in my mind.
I really love this! Thank you for boiling it down. <3
The one thing I might add is how irresistible that plane ride is for our kids... ;)
I find so much value in your perspective and have enjoyed the podcasts I have heard. The shift in perspective that comes from letting go is of utmost importance on our own journeys to begin living a life beyond parenting and beginning to heal from the dissonance gender brings into our lives and our family relationships. That said, many parents with estranged and medicalized trans ID children are much more devastated and damaged by this, and it would be nice if you shared more of their experiences as they need more support from those of us lucky to still have contact with, or who have managed to deter our kids from choosing the medical pathway.
I often wonder if that was your story where you would be and what your messaging would be then. Don’t misunderstand me - I don’t wish that on anyone - I just want to be sure your are considering their stories in your approach?
If you have interviewed and helped those parents - can you share a link? Thank you!
Hi Jolene! Thanks so much for this comment and request. I have wondered myself about whether and how things might shift for me if my daughter were to pursue medicalization. I like to imagine that this Stoic approach and this effort toward making sense of our children's experiences will support me to continue to appreciate my full, rich life no matter what course things take. This doesn't mean there would not be pain and heartache resulting from choices my children might make--I do hope this is getting communicated through my work.
I will let you know that I have quite a number of moms among my clientele and in the SMP online community who have estranged and/or medicalized children who are finding this approach supportive to their own healing and shifting their experience. I also have interviews in my podcast archives of moms who represent this population:
https://open.substack.com/pub/stoicmom/p/finding-healing-and-joy-and-life?r=nm4vy&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
https://open.substack.com/pub/stoicmom/p/the-deeply-meaningful-work-of-motherhood?r=nm4vy&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
https://open.substack.com/pub/stoicmom/p/be-the-change-you-wish-to-see-with?r=nm4vy&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Lisa, who I interviewed for "Be the change you wish to see" will be visiting us for a live zoom event next month for members of the SMP online community and there will be Q&A!
Thank you for the thoughtful and helpful post x
You're welcome! I'm glad you found it helpful and I appreciate you taking the time to comment. <3
I love this hopeful message! Thank you!
I'm glad it resonated for you!
This makes a lot of sense to me. The challenge facing us as parents is to be able to cherish our kids unconditionally, recognizing that we are only one influence and most likely not the most potent influence.
Indeed, it's not an easy challenge! I do hope and like to believe that we make our influence more potent as we get better at modeling all those C words.