Podcast brought me here. I’ve been working via this same philosophy in tandem in my own psychotherapy practice wondering where can I send these isolated parents for healthy peer support. So impressed with you all that I’m supporting you via the founders level sponsorship. And I’m very picky about where I invest my activism. Keep up the good work!
Wow! Thank you so much. I'll send you an email tomorrow (I always send a personal email to new Founding Members.) I'd love to learn more about you and your work.
I finically finished to podcast this morning. As always I find your points of view a comfort and reminder that for me and my husband there is little we can do for our now 20 trans id son to make him change his mind. We can only live and support him and continue to nurture our relationships.
It’s a struggle to let go.... our now 22 year old daughter was diagnosed with anorexia at 15 but fortunately there were no therapists telling us to affirm that delusion and she is doing so well now.
Some days are better then others but I try to focus on the good moments.
No.... in a way it was much easier with my daughter bc everyone we interacted with saw it as a problem. Also my daughter is very intuitive and self aware and that has helped her. My son is in the Austin spectrum but very high functioning.
It’s really interesting that my daughter can look back and realize that we couldn’t affirm her delusional thinking but doesn’t say the same about her brother. She’s mostly on board with the trans ID of her brother. I even wanted her to listen to gender a wider lense pod cast but she just says “mom were just gonna disagree on this”.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share these thoughts with me! I'm glad you've found some comfort here at the SMP.
I'm curious if any of the strategies you used with your daughter have been helpful with your son? I know it's a different situation since he's an adult...I certainly don't expect you to share details here, but maybe generally speaking?
I feel terrible for her daughter and kids like her. They wouldn’t be going through all this trans stuff if their parents would have created a genuine deep relationship with their children and been meaningfully involved in their lives all along. Parents getting caught up in their own lives and not being truly present with their children can lead them down dangerous paths like trans ideology and drugs. One cannot have just a superficial relationship with their child for years and all of a sudden expect to be able to jump in and turn things around when they’ve gone off track. I hope this story serves as a cautionary tale for parents with young children. Stay present with the from day one until they’re out of the house. That doesn’t mean smother them or be a helicopter parent, but foster a true connection with them in each stage of their development and maintain that connection as they grow more independent into their own person.
hey! Thanks for coming all the way over to leave a comment on my Substack! I know it can be hard to get a complete picture from a single interview and appreciate your angle to support parents. I'm pretty happy with the genuine deep relationships I had with both my children in their early years and to this day. I suspect you and I have very different understandings of what's happening with kids these days and you're very confident in what you're doing--that's awesome! Thanks again for stopping by!
Longtime reader, first time commenter. This interview made me feel all the feels: astonishment, delight, happiness, sadness. I wish the best for you and your family. Our parenting situation and styles are very different, but I can understand where you are, and why.
One thing which struck me was the way that you mused about what would have happened if you had made a different decision, gone in another direction, etc. I read a lot of detransitioner accounts who say a similar thing, why didn't someone stop me, why didn't someone offer a different option. But in both cases I don't see the point in asking these questions, there's no way to know.
I am curious--you refer to your daughter, not your son--does she not request you use other pronouns, or her new name?
Thank you so much for taking the time to share these thoughts! As far as the musing goes, I think it can give us a chance to learn from our mistakes. I think it becomes more of a problem when that musing becomes rumination and we beat ourselves up for things that we cannot change. I also think the musing can lead to gratitude if we arrive at a place of appreciating where we are and knowing we wouldn't be here if we'd made different choices in the past. :) I also agree with your comment, "there's no way to know." It's all part of learning to be in the now, isn't it?
My daughter has never made an explicit request that we use her chosen name and male pronouns. On the other hand, I've been pretty clear about what my beliefs and values are and that to do so would feel dishonest and inauthentic for me. This is a boundary for me. When in her company, I do avoid using pronouns, and about a year ago, she and I agreed on a nickname that is an androgenous version of her middle name. My husband, her father, still uses her birthname and doesn't attempt to avoid pronouns.
We recently visited family friends, and when they asked her what she'd like them to call her, she mumbled, "what my parents do." It didn't come up again for the 5 days we were there, and she relaxed into her birthname for the duration of the visit and seemed unfazed, like she does at home when there's no one to "out" her to.
Stella & Sasha have been my lifeline - glad they led me here. I really appreciate your take on the concept of impotence. I can see its impact in my family. I look forward to exploring here.
I'm so glad you found your way here! I hope you find new perspectives and some peace when you visit The StoicMom Project. If I can direct you to something specific, please let me know.
Wonderful episode; it was so interesting to hear more about your relationship with your daughter, and how you got “from there to here”. We share a nearly-identical parenting philosophy: I, too, innately value consent and autonomy, perhaps to a fault. I never “made” my son do anything; I don’t have it in me. I even let him decide when he was ready to start Kindergarten. Another example was when I took him to an orthodontist at 13 (or however old kids are when they get braces) to make sure he didn’t have a bite defect or something that could later become a problem, leaving the decision whether or not to get braces up to him. *I* thought he was practically perfect as he was; I wasn’t going to inflict an uncomfortable (and potentially painful) device on him that wasn’t strictly medically necessary if he didn’t want it. Later on, when he was about 19 or so, he said he wished I’d “made him” (though when I offered to pay for orthodontics, he declined).
Though I still haven’t heard exactly what your views are, I’m certain we share the same “radical” view about school (to the chagrin of our spouses)--my kid is a “7th grade dropout”--and yet even so he STILL knows more than many people twice his age with degrees...though I suspect his much-older boyfriend thinks I was educationally negligent (if so, too bad).
Anyway, I enjoyed the podcast so very much, and I am very impressed with your candor and your willingness to share your experiences with your daughter. You never fail to give me a fresh perspective or something new to think about. I could listen to you for days.
I found you via the podcast. This is exactly what I've been feeling now that my daughter has just turned 18 (trans identified since 16) and was recently diagnosed with autism and dealing with anorexia. I am trying to figure out how to carry myself and coach our family through this and some potential upcoming big life changes with confidence and, as our dietitian calls it, 'bungee jumping' into living abroad. My husband is wavering, my daughter is wavering but I know this will be a good step forward for our family. I dived in and joined as a FM and I look forward to the journey with other like minded moms and you. Thank you.
So excited to have you join the group! I'm glad you found your way here, and I'll be sending you a personal welcome email shortly. :) It sounds like your family has some big adventures on the horizon? I have some older posts about adventuring together as a family. You'll find them in my archives, as part of the "reflections along the way" series.
I appreciate this comment. Did I paint a bleak picture? The YouTube comments would indicate that I did. I'm not too bothered but I would like to get a good sense of how it may have come across to those who don't know my work.
Thank you, Juliet. This is so incredibly destabilizing and painful. I'm always inspired by the human capacity to find ways to "salvage ourselves." Thank you for being here.
I heard it. And it was great. I suspect that, if you had a checklist of things you wanted to say, you would have checked every box. I like what you said about how people have moved away from their own instincts. To me, that is a large part of the explaination for why Gender Ideology has gotten so far. I'm glad you were able to express your idea (that I've heard before) that trans-identification is an attempt to adapt to a sick society, and is just one way in which the problems in society are manifesting themselves. You certainly made your overall message clear: as parents, we can't get so sucked into this mess that we become impotent, sad and very poor models for our children. Related to that, I agree that many kids don't see anything good in the lives of the adults around them, which makes them want to do something, anything, really different in order to live a happier life. Of course, "trans" is not the answer, but they don't know that! It was a real pleasure listening to this interview, and I think you gave some comfort to the parents out there, particularly as you were honest that you haven't always gotten it perfect, but your daughter's doing great - despite still being trans-ID'd. That's probably the biggest, most unique message of all! Even a trans-ID'd kid can go on to live a happy, successful life (whatever that is).
Podcast brought me here. I’ve been working via this same philosophy in tandem in my own psychotherapy practice wondering where can I send these isolated parents for healthy peer support. So impressed with you all that I’m supporting you via the founders level sponsorship. And I’m very picky about where I invest my activism. Keep up the good work!
Wow! Thank you so much. I'll send you an email tomorrow (I always send a personal email to new Founding Members.) I'd love to learn more about you and your work.
Love this podcast! Can’t wait to listen on my way home from work.
I am very interested in feedback from those who subscribe to the SMP. Please come back and let me know what you thought. :)
I finically finished to podcast this morning. As always I find your points of view a comfort and reminder that for me and my husband there is little we can do for our now 20 trans id son to make him change his mind. We can only live and support him and continue to nurture our relationships.
It’s a struggle to let go.... our now 22 year old daughter was diagnosed with anorexia at 15 but fortunately there were no therapists telling us to affirm that delusion and she is doing so well now.
Some days are better then others but I try to focus on the good moments.
Thanks for all you do.
No.... in a way it was much easier with my daughter bc everyone we interacted with saw it as a problem. Also my daughter is very intuitive and self aware and that has helped her. My son is in the Austin spectrum but very high functioning.
It’s really interesting that my daughter can look back and realize that we couldn’t affirm her delusional thinking but doesn’t say the same about her brother. She’s mostly on board with the trans ID of her brother. I even wanted her to listen to gender a wider lense pod cast but she just says “mom were just gonna disagree on this”.
I think this whole generation is captured.
So we plug along.
Thank you so much for taking the time to share these thoughts with me! I'm glad you've found some comfort here at the SMP.
I'm curious if any of the strategies you used with your daughter have been helpful with your son? I know it's a different situation since he's an adult...I certainly don't expect you to share details here, but maybe generally speaking?
I feel terrible for her daughter and kids like her. They wouldn’t be going through all this trans stuff if their parents would have created a genuine deep relationship with their children and been meaningfully involved in their lives all along. Parents getting caught up in their own lives and not being truly present with their children can lead them down dangerous paths like trans ideology and drugs. One cannot have just a superficial relationship with their child for years and all of a sudden expect to be able to jump in and turn things around when they’ve gone off track. I hope this story serves as a cautionary tale for parents with young children. Stay present with the from day one until they’re out of the house. That doesn’t mean smother them or be a helicopter parent, but foster a true connection with them in each stage of their development and maintain that connection as they grow more independent into their own person.
hey! Thanks for coming all the way over to leave a comment on my Substack! I know it can be hard to get a complete picture from a single interview and appreciate your angle to support parents. I'm pretty happy with the genuine deep relationships I had with both my children in their early years and to this day. I suspect you and I have very different understandings of what's happening with kids these days and you're very confident in what you're doing--that's awesome! Thanks again for stopping by!
Longtime reader, first time commenter. This interview made me feel all the feels: astonishment, delight, happiness, sadness. I wish the best for you and your family. Our parenting situation and styles are very different, but I can understand where you are, and why.
One thing which struck me was the way that you mused about what would have happened if you had made a different decision, gone in another direction, etc. I read a lot of detransitioner accounts who say a similar thing, why didn't someone stop me, why didn't someone offer a different option. But in both cases I don't see the point in asking these questions, there's no way to know.
I am curious--you refer to your daughter, not your son--does she not request you use other pronouns, or her new name?
Thank you so much for taking the time to share these thoughts! As far as the musing goes, I think it can give us a chance to learn from our mistakes. I think it becomes more of a problem when that musing becomes rumination and we beat ourselves up for things that we cannot change. I also think the musing can lead to gratitude if we arrive at a place of appreciating where we are and knowing we wouldn't be here if we'd made different choices in the past. :) I also agree with your comment, "there's no way to know." It's all part of learning to be in the now, isn't it?
My daughter has never made an explicit request that we use her chosen name and male pronouns. On the other hand, I've been pretty clear about what my beliefs and values are and that to do so would feel dishonest and inauthentic for me. This is a boundary for me. When in her company, I do avoid using pronouns, and about a year ago, she and I agreed on a nickname that is an androgenous version of her middle name. My husband, her father, still uses her birthname and doesn't attempt to avoid pronouns.
We recently visited family friends, and when they asked her what she'd like them to call her, she mumbled, "what my parents do." It didn't come up again for the 5 days we were there, and she relaxed into her birthname for the duration of the visit and seemed unfazed, like she does at home when there's no one to "out" her to.
Stella & Sasha have been my lifeline - glad they led me here. I really appreciate your take on the concept of impotence. I can see its impact in my family. I look forward to exploring here.
I'm so glad you found your way here! I hope you find new perspectives and some peace when you visit The StoicMom Project. If I can direct you to something specific, please let me know.
Wonderful episode; it was so interesting to hear more about your relationship with your daughter, and how you got “from there to here”. We share a nearly-identical parenting philosophy: I, too, innately value consent and autonomy, perhaps to a fault. I never “made” my son do anything; I don’t have it in me. I even let him decide when he was ready to start Kindergarten. Another example was when I took him to an orthodontist at 13 (or however old kids are when they get braces) to make sure he didn’t have a bite defect or something that could later become a problem, leaving the decision whether or not to get braces up to him. *I* thought he was practically perfect as he was; I wasn’t going to inflict an uncomfortable (and potentially painful) device on him that wasn’t strictly medically necessary if he didn’t want it. Later on, when he was about 19 or so, he said he wished I’d “made him” (though when I offered to pay for orthodontics, he declined).
Though I still haven’t heard exactly what your views are, I’m certain we share the same “radical” view about school (to the chagrin of our spouses)--my kid is a “7th grade dropout”--and yet even so he STILL knows more than many people twice his age with degrees...though I suspect his much-older boyfriend thinks I was educationally negligent (if so, too bad).
Anyway, I enjoyed the podcast so very much, and I am very impressed with your candor and your willingness to share your experiences with your daughter. You never fail to give me a fresh perspective or something new to think about. I could listen to you for days.
I found you via the podcast. This is exactly what I've been feeling now that my daughter has just turned 18 (trans identified since 16) and was recently diagnosed with autism and dealing with anorexia. I am trying to figure out how to carry myself and coach our family through this and some potential upcoming big life changes with confidence and, as our dietitian calls it, 'bungee jumping' into living abroad. My husband is wavering, my daughter is wavering but I know this will be a good step forward for our family. I dived in and joined as a FM and I look forward to the journey with other like minded moms and you. Thank you.
So excited to have you join the group! I'm glad you found your way here, and I'll be sending you a personal welcome email shortly. :) It sounds like your family has some big adventures on the horizon? I have some older posts about adventuring together as a family. You'll find them in my archives, as part of the "reflections along the way" series.
It’s good for you to share your story. It’s so helpful to us.
I appreciate this comment. Did I paint a bleak picture? The YouTube comments would indicate that I did. I'm not too bothered but I would like to get a good sense of how it may have come across to those who don't know my work.
Yeah I don’t know what those commenters are hearing.
Thank you, Juliet. This is so incredibly destabilizing and painful. I'm always inspired by the human capacity to find ways to "salvage ourselves." Thank you for being here.
I will be listening as soon as possible, to this much anticipated podcast!!!!
I look forward to your always honest feedback!
I heard it. And it was great. I suspect that, if you had a checklist of things you wanted to say, you would have checked every box. I like what you said about how people have moved away from their own instincts. To me, that is a large part of the explaination for why Gender Ideology has gotten so far. I'm glad you were able to express your idea (that I've heard before) that trans-identification is an attempt to adapt to a sick society, and is just one way in which the problems in society are manifesting themselves. You certainly made your overall message clear: as parents, we can't get so sucked into this mess that we become impotent, sad and very poor models for our children. Related to that, I agree that many kids don't see anything good in the lives of the adults around them, which makes them want to do something, anything, really different in order to live a happier life. Of course, "trans" is not the answer, but they don't know that! It was a real pleasure listening to this interview, and I think you gave some comfort to the parents out there, particularly as you were honest that you haven't always gotten it perfect, but your daughter's doing great - despite still being trans-ID'd. That's probably the biggest, most unique message of all! Even a trans-ID'd kid can go on to live a happy, successful life (whatever that is).
😍