Super helpful as I just had a very difficult weepy and angry conversation with my daughter last week. However, looking back I actually did reflect and repeat when she called me uneducated. I was calm about it and said, "Huh, you think I'm uneducated?" She replied with yes about this topic I am and also said it's not up to her to educate me. OK. I tried to ask some critical thinking questions, but it all backfired. Alas. This was super important for me to read just now: "You are in her head so you don’t need to constantly be reminding her of your opinion on things." I'm trying to tell my brain and mouth to listen, reflect, and be in the present. You have given me more tools for my back pocket. Thank you!
You're welcome! Another thing I did in that epic conversation I reference in this essay--we spent quite a bit of time where I was really pressing her to help me understand what is expected when someone like her wants to be seen as a boy--like what does that mean? I might have pushed a little hard, but I kept reiterating that if this is what she wants, she should probably be prepared to explain what it means. I also said something along the lines of, "I believe in you. You are one of the most articulate people I know and I agree that you are exceptional at being self-aware. If anyone can help me understand this, it's you." One thing I learned from her therapist is if she doesn't have an answer to something I'm asking, it's probably because it's not her thought. Of course, I would NEVER actually tell my daughter this. But I could plant the idea that she has the capacity and should be able to help me understand more about this experience. Make sense?
Also, please remember to go easy on yourself. This is all SO hard! Practice self-compassion--and relationship repair. There will be more opportunities to practice communicating in a way that feels better for you.
Kudos to you! I agree with much of what you said, if only I could implement it as my son is estranged from us. Have you looked into Highly Sensitive Person? Wonder how it compares to an Enneagram. I looked at Enneagram, but didn't get too deep into it as most say you need to pay for an assessment.
Thank you! There does seem to be some overlap with HSP and Enneagram 4 as well as the intensities associated with Theory of Positive Disintegration--a framework I really appreciate! Jessie Mannisto at Third Factor wrote an article that linked gender dysphoria to these intensities and there was paradigm-shifting information in there for me. Google "Where Intensity and Gender Dysphoria Meet" if interested. As far as testing for Enneagram, I have to wonder how reliable the tests are. My results were certainly incorrect (it was a $12 investment.) I watched YouTube videos by Dr. Tom LeHue until I felt confident about the types in my family, but you could probably just read more detailed descriptions to determine which type you are.
I'm very curious about your estrangement. If I might ask, do you think your son will return to the family?
I had been introduced to Dabrowski and HSP about 20 years ago in researching gifted kids. IIRC, HSP was not as known. I did not ever anticipate they would come back full circle because of ROGD. I read a couple of pieces on Third Factor, but need to go back to it just for my own edification.
Long story so I won't go into it here, my intuition says it will only be if he detransitions or reaches bottom.
In my mind, all these frameworks overlap. The key is finding the one that is most useful for your situation. I remain suspicious of a profit-driven system offering their expertise in the form of expensive interventions that alter the body. This is why my daughter knew I'd not be on board with her identity. I like TPD because it's my understanding that the developmental pathway of someone with intensities differs from what we normally see and maybe we should think twice before pathologizing it. We need to support for sure, but maybe that support needs to look different.
I'm sorry about what's happened with your son. I still have questions, if it's okay? If not, just say so. I'm curious what you would need to feel more confident that he'll "come home"? I understand making peace with worst case scenarios--I've had to do this myself, but I really have no doubt my daughter will eventually realize she's been drawn in by a movement that preyed on her insecurities and she'll leave it. 90% of people who join groups, leave them (Patrick Ryan) and I keep the faith that my kid will be one of the 90%. At the moment though, I recognize that her involvement is still filling some need for her, or she's just not ready for the full disintegration that is in store when she accepts that "being trans" creates more serious problems than it solves. My heart aches for her and the pain she'll face when that happens, but that's when true maturity will take place.
What I hope to help families with is preserving the pathway home for when the worldview our transIDed kids have embraced collapses and leaves them devastated. I don't know that all families want this though. Some can't handle the pain of the damage done to the bodies we nurtured into life--again, I'm trying to do the work to get to a place of acceptance should the worst case scenario happen for our family.
Do you think your son will eventually detransition or reach bottom?
Super helpful as I just had a very difficult weepy and angry conversation with my daughter last week. However, looking back I actually did reflect and repeat when she called me uneducated. I was calm about it and said, "Huh, you think I'm uneducated?" She replied with yes about this topic I am and also said it's not up to her to educate me. OK. I tried to ask some critical thinking questions, but it all backfired. Alas. This was super important for me to read just now: "You are in her head so you don’t need to constantly be reminding her of your opinion on things." I'm trying to tell my brain and mouth to listen, reflect, and be in the present. You have given me more tools for my back pocket. Thank you!
You're welcome! Another thing I did in that epic conversation I reference in this essay--we spent quite a bit of time where I was really pressing her to help me understand what is expected when someone like her wants to be seen as a boy--like what does that mean? I might have pushed a little hard, but I kept reiterating that if this is what she wants, she should probably be prepared to explain what it means. I also said something along the lines of, "I believe in you. You are one of the most articulate people I know and I agree that you are exceptional at being self-aware. If anyone can help me understand this, it's you." One thing I learned from her therapist is if she doesn't have an answer to something I'm asking, it's probably because it's not her thought. Of course, I would NEVER actually tell my daughter this. But I could plant the idea that she has the capacity and should be able to help me understand more about this experience. Make sense?
Also, please remember to go easy on yourself. This is all SO hard! Practice self-compassion--and relationship repair. There will be more opportunities to practice communicating in a way that feels better for you.
Kudos to you! I agree with much of what you said, if only I could implement it as my son is estranged from us. Have you looked into Highly Sensitive Person? Wonder how it compares to an Enneagram. I looked at Enneagram, but didn't get too deep into it as most say you need to pay for an assessment.
Thank you! There does seem to be some overlap with HSP and Enneagram 4 as well as the intensities associated with Theory of Positive Disintegration--a framework I really appreciate! Jessie Mannisto at Third Factor wrote an article that linked gender dysphoria to these intensities and there was paradigm-shifting information in there for me. Google "Where Intensity and Gender Dysphoria Meet" if interested. As far as testing for Enneagram, I have to wonder how reliable the tests are. My results were certainly incorrect (it was a $12 investment.) I watched YouTube videos by Dr. Tom LeHue until I felt confident about the types in my family, but you could probably just read more detailed descriptions to determine which type you are.
I'm very curious about your estrangement. If I might ask, do you think your son will return to the family?
I had been introduced to Dabrowski and HSP about 20 years ago in researching gifted kids. IIRC, HSP was not as known. I did not ever anticipate they would come back full circle because of ROGD. I read a couple of pieces on Third Factor, but need to go back to it just for my own edification.
Long story so I won't go into it here, my intuition says it will only be if he detransitions or reaches bottom.
In my mind, all these frameworks overlap. The key is finding the one that is most useful for your situation. I remain suspicious of a profit-driven system offering their expertise in the form of expensive interventions that alter the body. This is why my daughter knew I'd not be on board with her identity. I like TPD because it's my understanding that the developmental pathway of someone with intensities differs from what we normally see and maybe we should think twice before pathologizing it. We need to support for sure, but maybe that support needs to look different.
I'm sorry about what's happened with your son. I still have questions, if it's okay? If not, just say so. I'm curious what you would need to feel more confident that he'll "come home"? I understand making peace with worst case scenarios--I've had to do this myself, but I really have no doubt my daughter will eventually realize she's been drawn in by a movement that preyed on her insecurities and she'll leave it. 90% of people who join groups, leave them (Patrick Ryan) and I keep the faith that my kid will be one of the 90%. At the moment though, I recognize that her involvement is still filling some need for her, or she's just not ready for the full disintegration that is in store when she accepts that "being trans" creates more serious problems than it solves. My heart aches for her and the pain she'll face when that happens, but that's when true maturity will take place.
What I hope to help families with is preserving the pathway home for when the worldview our transIDed kids have embraced collapses and leaves them devastated. I don't know that all families want this though. Some can't handle the pain of the damage done to the bodies we nurtured into life--again, I'm trying to do the work to get to a place of acceptance should the worst case scenario happen for our family.
Do you think your son will eventually detransition or reach bottom?