Communicating with your Archetypal FTM

Part Two: The Words

In Part One of Communicating with your Archetypal FTM, I talked about the energy that’s helped me in my conversations with my daughter. I described the work that went into getting to a place that I could consciously shift that energy and then finally to where we are now, conversations free of fear. I would say this is the hardest part: the emotional work that moves you from fear to trust. If you can manage this, I believe the words are far less important. That said, how nice to know how to disarm your angry or sullen trans-IDed teen? Having the right lexicon might have helped me get there much sooner. 

This is a long one, and I pull in some intensive resources that I’ll link where possible so you can get more information. Feel free to ask questions in the comments and I’ll do my best to expand on my strategies. I can’t guarantee these strategies will work for you, but I’ve found they’ve transformed my communication, not only with my daughter but with my husband and my 14 yo son. I plan to really dig into some examples and show how to combine these strategies for effective communication. I’ve been working for years on figuring out how to put all this into practice. May it come easier for you! 

Let’s start with the basics here. Again, some of you might know this one–we hear it time and again from the professionals, but it can be easier in theory than practice: reflective listening. There’s a long story about why, but we ended up getting our daughter a full psych eval when she was 14. (Coming Home has more details if you’re interested.) In the report, we read that the psychologist gave her some fill-in-the blank sentence prompts. One was, “If only my mother would _________.” She completed it with “listen.” I was floored–and so hurt! How many hours had I spent in her room patiently answering questions about how the world works, including the cruelties of middle school and how to navigate this difficult time? (This is reminding me that I blogged several years ago about communication challenges that I will republish here for my paid subscribers.) It occurred to me that what she meant by “listen (to me)” was actually “agree (with me)”, but did this matter? In her mind, I was a poor listener. 

I had to realize my tendency was to “parent” her by offering solutions or a different perspective. I still think these are sound parental supports, but once your teen has hit full puberty and everyone else in the house is walking on eggshells because she’s a bundle of prickly hormonal energy, it’s time to get better at reflecting. How to do this when what’s coming out of her mouth sounds like complete nonsense or seems a total unfair assessment of your parenting? You know what I mean. Things like, “You never listen to me and you’re a terrible parent!” 

Ready for this? First tip for what words to use is to use theirs. I’ll warn you, it can be difficult because you’ll feel like you are agreeing with them and confirming their cruel assessment, but it’s a great go-to when you’re a beginner here and can’t find any other words to respond with that won’t fuel an argument. Just repeat what they said in first person. “I never listen to you and I’m a terrible parent.” 

What this accomplishes is making sure they know you heard them and keeps them engaged. It also buys you a little time and good will. Of course, if you escalate and respond defensively, they certainly know you heard them, but now you’re getting triggered and things will soon blow up. By reflecting with their own words, you model that you care about what they’re experiencing and you’re invested in better communication. You’re also modeling emotional regulation. If it feels better to add a few words, “You think I never listen to you…” go for it. It can be a little less effective but may be a bit easier to get out of your mouth–especially if you’re a truth-teller (guilty.) I have found that just repeating is more disarming. 

Eventually, when you’re actually not gripped with fear or defensiveness in every conversation, you might be able to try rephrasing it. Be careful here, though, I find it’s better to exaggerate what they said than to soften it (can come across like you’re excusing yourself.) “You think I’m the worst kind of parent…” (Always remember: NO SARCASM ALLOWED!) Now what you’re doing is modeling how to check your assumptions. This doesn’t always disarm, but it’s important anyway. Most people need to learn to check the stories they’re telling themselves, but it can be especially important for highly sensitive people who are prone to taking others' energy and words personally. More on this in my essay, Are you the enemy? My kid can take on a disgusted tone when she corrects me with something like, “I didn’t say that!” This is when I actually narrate what I’m doing, “I assumed that’s what you were saying and I was wrong. I’m glad I checked.” See the modeling that’s happening here? 

Okay, maybe this is Communication 101 for you, and maybe it’s all new. Maybe you find this helpful, maybe you don’t. This is something I totally understood intellectually but found practice much more confusing and challenging;  I really could have used some very concrete tips in the early days. Also, please know that I welcome further discussion in the comments section! Now, are you ready for the really hard stuff?

These are tips from Patrick Ryan, an expert on cults (he prefers to say “groups.”) I listened to this interview that Lisa Marchiano did with him a couple years ago. Genspect also offered a weekend webinar a few months back with Ryan and his colleague, Ashlen Hilliard, who runs groups for former members of religious cults. One of Ryan’s tips that really stuck with me is this: your child knows what you think. You are in her head so you don’t need to constantly be reminding her of your opinion on things. I think it’s important to say here that many families have found success taking a hardline and just shutting down the gender identity and limiting internet access. I want to reiterate that YOU are the expert on your child, your household, and your approach. If none of this resonates for you, listen to your gut. Because this is about to get weird. 

Due to my child’s personality type, the hardline wasn’t going to work for me; I will explain her type little further on in this essay. I have vivid recollections of my mother setting herself up as the opposition when it came to her children resisting her religious belief system or when she thought my brother’s girlfriend was bad for him. This all just pushed us further in the direction she was opposed to us going. Consider the trans identity as the bad boyfriend and “keep your enemy close.”  I plan to do a whole essay on curiosity, but it will also be crucial to maintain genuine curiosity if you decide to use this tactic. 

Okay, I’m going to keep you in suspense for a little while longer because I just realized there’s another element that requires some explaining. You’ve probably figured this out, but it’s important to understand that the trans ID is filling a need for your child. It’s a coping mechanism that wouldn’t be adopted if it wasn’t somewhat adaptive. We’re all (including your trans-IDed kid) just doing the best we know how to get our needs met. Identifying which needs your child is attempting to fill with the identity may also lead you to just the right language to use with your kid. Here’s a link to a helpful list of what are considered universal human needs. Later I’ll describe a few needs that are more specific to personality types. 

So back to cults. Nobody intentionally joins one. If someone is attracted to a particular group, they certainly don’t see it as a cult, and they join because that group offers them something they think is missing from their life. Probably the best way you can figure out what that is, is to ask the person. This is really about how you’re positioning yourself. Are you in opposition to their cherished group? Do you hate the boyfriend? (If you are clear on your own values, your child knows what they are. Remember, you are in their head, so you don’t need to remind them.) Or can you come alongside them so you can ask genuine questions? Questions that focus on the positive aspects of their trans experience. Questions like, “How does being trans help you feel more authentic?” Or, and I borrowed this directly from Marchiano who asks her female clients with abusive partners, “What do you love about him?” Let me reiterate, your curiosity MUST be genuine. If you’re bringing a fearful, doubtful, or sarcastic energy with you, your child will pick up on it. 

While asking these questions may provide helpful information for you (and asking my daughter what she loves about being trans got gold for me,) according to Ryan, these prompts will encourage deeper reflection, possibly helping your child see where the group is actually failing to meet the needs they were looking to get met by participating in the first place. They start to see the falsities, the broken promises–if indeed the group is failing them. This is where the “different world view” work is important. If you didn’t already review Part One, here’s another chance. This may require more detail, but we’ll end this tip on communicating with the indoctrinated here and transition to the next tip.

I didn’t just ask, “What do you love about being trans?”. It took a little bit to finesse the question just right. And this brings us to archetypal lexicons. 

I had heard of the Enneagram, but it was Laura Becker’s (@detranny on Twitter) tweet describing the profile of teen girls most vulnerable to the trans idealogy (she wrote a whole essay as follow up to this tweet inspiring the term, “archetypal FTM”) that encouraged me to finally look into this personality profiling tool. If it isn’t totally obvious yet, I’m a bit obsessed with understanding human behavior, and I’ve found various profiling tools helpful in the past. Right now, the Enneagram is playing a huge role in informing me on what words to use when communicating with my daughter. This tool dives deep into the motivations of certain personality types. If you want to make sure someone feels seen and appreciated, understanding what drives their behavior will ensure you know just what to say to accomplish this. Becker believes most of these teen trans-IDed girls are Enneagram Type 4. 

I ended up mistyping both myself and my daughter as Type 4. I now believe we’re both Type 5, but it’s still important to understand Type 4 because in this framework, we also each have a wing that would be a number adjacent to our primary type. I think my daughter and I are both Type 5 with a 4 wing (5w4). I’m going to share very briefly a bit about both these types just so you can get the idea of how I use this information to communicate. (There are many books, websites, YouTube videos, you name it, with detailed descriptions of the types and how they function in relationship, health and pathology, etc. Maybe I will dive deeper into Enneagram in future essays. If you’d like this, please comment below.)

These bulleted statements are from the book, The Everything Enneagram, by Susan Reynolds; according to the book these might be indicators that a child of the corresponding type is headed for trouble. The summaries in parentheses are mine based on my research. 

Type 4: 

• They may spend too much time brooding, feeling sad or sorry for themselves. 

• They would rather fantasize about their failures and woes than participate in daily life.

• They are often so sensitive they overact when hurt and then nurse past hurts for a long time.

• If you get angry with them, they think it means you don’t love them anymore. 

(Fours embrace and want to be seen for their suffering. This becomes part of their identity. They want to be seen as special/unique and are driven to authenticity; the way they determine whether they’re achieving authenticity is if others perceive them the same way they see themselves. They’re known to reflect on and rehearse their conversations. They’re hyper sensitive to other’s emotional energy, and are prone to taking things personally.)

Type 5:

• They can be very secretive or become agitated and defensive when asked simple questions.

• They complain of being tired and don’t want to (socialize) because they are “too tired.” 

• They insist they know more than you do or belittle your intelligence. 

(Fives also seek privacy, need lots of their own space and independence, and may experience the support of others–especially parents–as intrusive. They’re known to become obsessed with a particular topic, driven to learn all about it and become an “expert.” Information is comforting. This type also rehearses conversations so as to protect themselves by not being caught off guard. They don’t know what they feel until they spend some time thinking about it.) 

Both of these types have rich imaginations or “inner worlds” and the 5w4 can be and 4s in general are emotionally intense and hypersensitive to the energy of others. 5s add intellectual intensity which can come across as very condescending. 

Any of this sounding familiar? I think a lot about the stories my daughter is telling herself. One story that she’s pretty clear on is just how difficult it is to “be trans”. So here’s the full question I asked that initiated the 3-hour conversation I discuss in Are you the enemy? (When I wrote this essay I was convinced my daughter was Type 4–and that worked for this conversation. I have since checked this assumption with simple questions like, “When you get annoyed with my parenting, is it because it feels judgy or intrusive?” Without hesitation, she gave me the answer I was expecting, “Intrusive.”)

I was springboarding off a conversation we’d had a few days prior where she was attempting to describe the oppression one experiences when trans–mind you, later in this second conversation, I was able to ask about real world examples of which she really had none–but back to the beginning of the conversation, “It seems like being transgender is really, really hard. It sounds like such a burden! I’m curious, are there things you love about being trans?” 

I had been waiting for just the right moment to ask this. The fresh information about how difficult she believes it is to “be trans” was important and gave me an opportunity to see her for her “suffering” and acknowledge the difficulty she describes. I’m still using her own words but now in a much more nuanced way.

I saw her shift into thoughtful mode, and after quite a pause, her answer gave me even more helpful language. She explained that this experience has forced her to be really reflective and that she sees herself as an extremely self-aware person. She went on to explain how this shared experience bonds her so tightly to her trans-IDed friends–the only other people who can really understand what she’s going through. Now we’re getting somewhere! Instead of grumpily dismissing the intrusive questions of a transphobe, she’s invested in helping me understand because she’s reading me as genuinely curious. We ended up talking for 3 hours and anytime these types of conversations end with us still experiencing energy of connection and even playfulness, I take it as a win. This was a huge win! 

Is this starting to come together? I know it’s a lot. It’s takes tremendous consciousness; it’s effortful and can be exhausting. And it’s not for everyone. Sometimes I wonder if my hyper vigilance just reinforces hers; whether my own inward focus models ego-centrism for my daughter. I certainly have my own rich inner world! So I do my best to also model engaging in the real world and having interests that are focused on benefiting others and the planet. Mostly I want to model the opposite of being a victim, having agency over how you respond to external circumstances, a mature theory of mind, and resilience.

And intuition. So to end this epic essay, I would say, trust your gut! Take what resonates and disregard what doesn’t. Sometimes it’s helpful to return later to reread because you may find something else that resonates the next time through. Much of this assumes that not only do our children share a profile, but so do we. (My husband isn’t interested in any of this. He and my daughter continue to have a pretty strained relationship, but I think she knows he loves her and he does his best to show her.) Take baby steps and practice self-compassion. If you’re already figuring all this out on your own and developing your communication, I applaud you! I certainly know the effort that goes into this and I hope this essay helped to validate and reinforce all the work you’re doing! Hang in there. Our kiddos still need us even if they’re trying their damnedest to push us away. That part’s biological–try not to take it personally. We got this!