I’m at the end of my tether with my son. Nothing I say seems to make any difference to his defensive attitude & determination to pursue his trans identity to its fullest extent (he’s now on a waiting list for surgery & has been on hormones for 2 years).
I’ve been feeling like I need to change how I’m handling this situation as facing him head on & trying to convince him of the error of his ways has just lead to feelings of intense frustration & hopelessness!
Your words ring true & I’m so grateful for the way you’ve articulated them!
Thanks for this comment, Leanne; I'm glad this article resonated for you. You'll find I write quite a bit about repositioning ourselves rather than "facing (our kids) head on" and trying to convince them they're wrong.
Can I ask how old your son is? You may also appreciate my conversation with Motherforever in the archives, and also my conversation with Patrick Ryan. In my piece, "Communicating with your Archetypal FTM" part one, I link what I found to be an incredibly helpful conversation between Lisa Marchiano and Patrick Ryan. It really informed the approach I've taken with my daughter. I certainly don't think it's helpful to "go down with the ship" so I hope you're finding healthy ways to cope with the situation! If you like this piece, this Substack might be quite helpful for you.
Thanks for your reply. My son is 23. He came out as trans 2 years ago having had no gender issues growing up! As he is an adult I’ve had to accept the fact that I have no control over him whatsoever! I feel like I’ve learned so much to no avail as he won’t hear what I have to say… Anyway, I want to take your advice & do what I can to help myself while maintaining a positive relationship with him ( I’m grateful that he wants an ongoing relationship!) I will check out those conversations you mentioned. Keep up the good work & thanks again,
Thank you for this. I couldn't hear, really hear, what you were saying until I was ready, and as a parent it's very hard not to get defensive. Looking to improve ourselves is not the same thing as thinking we are at fault.
When my relationship with my daughter changed for the better it felt sudden. It was only with hindsight that I realized that I had abruptly stopped monitoring her schoolwork - so it was MY behavior that precipitated her behavior change.
It's annoying but true that we can only change our own behavior, not anyone else
I so appreciate this Laura. And that's typically the case: people can't hear what they're not ready to hear. Also, "Looking to improve ourselves is not the same thing as thinking we are at fault." This is so incredibly important! I think we do need to spend time making sense of how we got here, and then we exercise what agency we have to live in integrity with our values. I believe that in this way, we contribute to a world where our children are less vulnerable to dangerous messaging.
This is EVIL, a cult, a horrible ideology that is no different than a child with a mental health condition that like anorexia has them convinced that at 80 lbs, they are fat and must ‘fix’ their body by starving it.
We parents (moms you coach) do not need to
‘grow’ through this experience of our child’s psychosis........we need to STOP it!
Hi Charlotte. Good to see you. I so agree with you that trans-identification is much like anorexia and likely driven by the same underlying needs. I’d love to live in a world where there wasn’t influences encouraging such dangerous behavior, or where our children weren’t so vulnerable to such messages. If you haven’t listened to my conversation with cult expert, Patrick Ryan, you may appreciate that one. You’ll find it in the archives.
I will definitely read your conversation with Patrick Ryan.
The treatment and view of anorexia by doctors, clinicians, medical associations, psychotherapists, the media and politicians is pretty sane; this is a mental condition that needs to be treated with assessment and mental health treatment. We don’t give them laxatives to lose those few extra pounds that’s causing distress.
With gender dysphoria, however, ALL of the above mentioned groups insist that immediate, medical ‘compassionate’ “affirmative” care is needed for any child claiming to be born in the wrong body. Most people have NO idea what these treatments actually do to the human body, for the LIFESPAN of that body. Chest binders, puberty blockers, cross sex hormones, top surgery (aka-double mastectomy).
Not only is the young person caught in this evil cult, so are all of the other players mentioned here.
Our president called us parents and others ‘cruel’ if we do not affirm this insanity. In addition to cruel, we’re assumed to be right wing bigots who must be silenced.
So, StoicMom, I simply cannot grow through this tragedy. My own personal heartbreak with my child nearly killed me-literally. But once I decided to live, I’m making it my business to save one other child and family from this hell.
Do NOT affirm on any level parents!
Just as you would not agree with a child who is razor thin, that they should lose just a few more pounds to be happy.
Thank you for these very wise words of advice!
I’m at the end of my tether with my son. Nothing I say seems to make any difference to his defensive attitude & determination to pursue his trans identity to its fullest extent (he’s now on a waiting list for surgery & has been on hormones for 2 years).
I’ve been feeling like I need to change how I’m handling this situation as facing him head on & trying to convince him of the error of his ways has just lead to feelings of intense frustration & hopelessness!
Your words ring true & I’m so grateful for the way you’ve articulated them!
Much gratitude,
Leanne
Thanks for this comment, Leanne; I'm glad this article resonated for you. You'll find I write quite a bit about repositioning ourselves rather than "facing (our kids) head on" and trying to convince them they're wrong.
Can I ask how old your son is? You may also appreciate my conversation with Motherforever in the archives, and also my conversation with Patrick Ryan. In my piece, "Communicating with your Archetypal FTM" part one, I link what I found to be an incredibly helpful conversation between Lisa Marchiano and Patrick Ryan. It really informed the approach I've taken with my daughter. I certainly don't think it's helpful to "go down with the ship" so I hope you're finding healthy ways to cope with the situation! If you like this piece, this Substack might be quite helpful for you.
Thanks for your reply. My son is 23. He came out as trans 2 years ago having had no gender issues growing up! As he is an adult I’ve had to accept the fact that I have no control over him whatsoever! I feel like I’ve learned so much to no avail as he won’t hear what I have to say… Anyway, I want to take your advice & do what I can to help myself while maintaining a positive relationship with him ( I’m grateful that he wants an ongoing relationship!) I will check out those conversations you mentioned. Keep up the good work & thanks again,
Leanne
Thank you for this. I couldn't hear, really hear, what you were saying until I was ready, and as a parent it's very hard not to get defensive. Looking to improve ourselves is not the same thing as thinking we are at fault.
When my relationship with my daughter changed for the better it felt sudden. It was only with hindsight that I realized that I had abruptly stopped monitoring her schoolwork - so it was MY behavior that precipitated her behavior change.
It's annoying but true that we can only change our own behavior, not anyone else
I so appreciate this Laura. And that's typically the case: people can't hear what they're not ready to hear. Also, "Looking to improve ourselves is not the same thing as thinking we are at fault." This is so incredibly important! I think we do need to spend time making sense of how we got here, and then we exercise what agency we have to live in integrity with our values. I believe that in this way, we contribute to a world where our children are less vulnerable to dangerous messaging.
Thanks for the psychobabble-NOT!
This is EVIL, a cult, a horrible ideology that is no different than a child with a mental health condition that like anorexia has them convinced that at 80 lbs, they are fat and must ‘fix’ their body by starving it.
We parents (moms you coach) do not need to
‘grow’ through this experience of our child’s psychosis........we need to STOP it!
Hi Charlotte. Good to see you. I so agree with you that trans-identification is much like anorexia and likely driven by the same underlying needs. I’d love to live in a world where there wasn’t influences encouraging such dangerous behavior, or where our children weren’t so vulnerable to such messages. If you haven’t listened to my conversation with cult expert, Patrick Ryan, you may appreciate that one. You’ll find it in the archives.
I will definitely read your conversation with Patrick Ryan.
The treatment and view of anorexia by doctors, clinicians, medical associations, psychotherapists, the media and politicians is pretty sane; this is a mental condition that needs to be treated with assessment and mental health treatment. We don’t give them laxatives to lose those few extra pounds that’s causing distress.
With gender dysphoria, however, ALL of the above mentioned groups insist that immediate, medical ‘compassionate’ “affirmative” care is needed for any child claiming to be born in the wrong body. Most people have NO idea what these treatments actually do to the human body, for the LIFESPAN of that body. Chest binders, puberty blockers, cross sex hormones, top surgery (aka-double mastectomy).
Not only is the young person caught in this evil cult, so are all of the other players mentioned here.
Our president called us parents and others ‘cruel’ if we do not affirm this insanity. In addition to cruel, we’re assumed to be right wing bigots who must be silenced.
So, StoicMom, I simply cannot grow through this tragedy. My own personal heartbreak with my child nearly killed me-literally. But once I decided to live, I’m making it my business to save one other child and family from this hell.
Do NOT affirm on any level parents!
Just as you would not agree with a child who is razor thin, that they should lose just a few more pounds to be happy.
Blah, blah, blah