Better Humans

Let’s talk about the SMP tagline: 

“Using my daughter’s trans ID as inspiration to become a better human.”

Probably a little provocative since it includes that judgy word: better. I’m certainly no better than anyone else, though I think I may be experiencing Life in a way that feels better than many SMP readers are currently experiencing–if by better, we mean a higher ratio of pleasant feelings to uncomfortable or even painful ones. 

With that said, uncomfortable feelings are important information. It’s these same uncomfortable feelings (sadness, grief, anger, fear) that inspire us to change. They’re what inspired me. And I still feel all these things. The goal–or at least my goal–is not to eradicate such feelings but to understand them and respond to them in a way that is healing and gets me closer to my ideal Self. A lofty goal, likely unattainable, but it keeps me growing and learning and moving toward something–which in turn provides me with enough of the pleasant feels like joy, awe and wonder, and satisfaction to balance my experience. I think this is known as the human condition, and I think this circumstance offers us the context to develop our capacity for all of it. 

I also want to update the message that I think I’ve communicated in maybe not the most accurate way: that we need to shift our focus from our children to ourselves. Through my work with many moms now, I’ve come to think a little differently about this. It’s really more about recognizing the context of this circumstance as rich ground for the work that growth-oriented moms are craving. Humans are relational creatures, and I believe examining how we relate to others (and our Selves) can provide the very blueprint we’re seeking when trying to determine a growth path–if this is something you desire. I’m really not here to tell you what you want to or should do, but if you are indeed experiencing a sense of lack, or an absence of meaning and purpose in your Life, or you feel trapped in feelings of rage and despair and you’re ready to experience something different, these words might resonate for you. 

So please know that I’m not encouraging you to distance yourself from your child or to abandon your role as Mama Bear. However, I do believe our trans-identified children are asking us to relate to them in a different way as they navigate the treacherous transition (I don’t use that word to provoke, there just isn’t a replacement word that quite captures the same thing) into adulthood. And doing so consciously also provides us an opportunity to evolve all of our relationships–with them, with our partners, with our Selves–even with extended family, or strangers for that matter, essentially, how we relate to Life.

I’ve come to believe that parenting might be the ultimate in Self development because of the complexity of the relationship, what it demands of us. I remember when it hit me during my first pregnancy, “Oh shit, I am forever tied to this little being growing inside me. I’ll never be completely free again.” The immense responsibility I felt to give these little humans I birthed into the world as positive an experience of childhood as possible, and what went into accomplishing that as best I knew how, then to feel the slap in the face of the trans-identity and the entitled, even abusive culture that comes with it–well, to say it stings is quite the understatement.

Figuring out how to navigate such a circumstance in a healthy way is no small feat. Luckily there are more resources than there were even just a few years ago, yet it can still be incredibly challenging to piece together self-care and communication strategies that might keep a mom sane, let alone know how to use the experience to get closer to a sense of enduring inner peace. 

And this is why the SMP exists. Writing about this approach is the way I can reach the most people–hoping my words resonate and inspire others to try something different. Recording and sharing conversations along the way with other moms who’ve found healthy ways to navigate, or those who’ve also used the experience to aid in self-actualization, or with professionals who I believe have insights and strategies that can support us to these ends is another way the SMP offers support to those parents grappling with this destabilizing parenting circumstance. 

For many, the content isn’t going to cut it. I’m planning to write another post soon to compare and contrast higher levels of SMP support: the online community and 1:1 coaching. If you already know you’re ready to take the next step, I’d encourage you to fill out the community application. Even completing this form might help you determine whether seeking more intensive support feels right for you. For more information about participating in the forum visit the SMP Community page. (Scroll down below the header image.) 

Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

I’m convinced that inner peace comes from being in integrity; when we’re clear on our values and we’re acting in accordance with those, then we are doing not only the best we can, but all that we can. Operating from this grounded place does not mean that your Life will be pain free, it does not guarantee that your kid will desist or even like you, for that matter. What it does do though, is offer satisfaction, meaning, purpose, and peace. It unburdens your heart (even if it doesn’t keep it from being broken) and for me, I’d say my heart went beyond an unburdening to bursting open. The beauty in that vulnerability, that willingness to open up to the full, messy emotional experience that being a human affords us, is exquisitely rich and rewarding and for me anyway, well worth the pain that is integral to the process. 

“The obstacle is the way”

Positive Disintegration

“Dark nights of the soul”

Post Traumatic Growth

Jung’s concept of individuation

“The gift in the box of darkness”

The curriculum of the soul

I coined none of these phrases nor developed any of these frameworks. I’ve just been collecting them as ways to capture in words this process I’m trying so hard to describe. I find it incredibly comforting to recognize what seems to be a universal human experience; a normal developmental phase of the human lifespan. When we can recognize the enormous pain this circumstance creates for us as the invitation to stop trying to control the external world, we might find that we have much more impact on those around us when we attend to healing ourselves. The potential result of reorienting to the world in this way is eudaimonia, a life well-lived, wholeness, peace. 

So does this mean that we abandon our efforts to rescue our children? Well, sort of. It requires us to reorient to the problem. It demands that we look carefully at the factors playing into our children’s adoption of the belief system, including the existing parent-child dynamic. I’m in the camp that recognizes the trans-identity as an individuation strategy (as well as fulfilling many other needs.) This means your kiddo is inviting you to evolve the relationship. I know it may not feel like an invitation, but do you really think your adolescent or young adult child is going to know how to approach you and politely ask you to release your death grip on their outcomes? 

We’re still invested in the relationship, but now we’re using the interaction and the emotions evoked as information. I believe it’s very important that you’re not expecting your child to fulfill your emotional needs. However, your interactions with your kid will help you know what those are so you can find other ways to address them. When you’re able to do this, you can relate to your child in a healthier, more respectful way. Now, instead of trying to rescue them, you’ll have the capacity to make sense of why this feels so important to them and then equip and empower them to navigate the challenges of adult life with integrity so that (hopefully, remember Life makes no guarantees) they too can achieve “a life well-lived”. 

How different might the world be if more of us could claim this very human potential for ourselves? In my conversation with Lisa Marchiano, she describes Jung’s idea that each of us comes into being much like an acorn–with all the potential to grow into a healthy, thriving oak tree. This is where my faith lies: in Life itself. In our very human capacity to develop into healthy, thriving beings and the ripple effects this transformation will have on the collective. Jung thought this was necessary for humanity to save itself: more of us doing what Jungians call the shadow work. I think our relationships are the mirrors that reflect to us what our shadow work is to be. 

Do we become better humans through this work? It’s probably more accurate to say we become humans having a better experience than what we were having previously.  But that’s not very catchy, is it?  

So to wrap this one up, I’m not special. Certainly not better. I’m just human. Pretty sure you are too. And while we’re at it, so is your child who seems to be the cause of so much pain at the moment. What will you choose to do with that pain?