Thanks for the reminder. I yo-yo in and out of despair, much of it dictated by how much my 14-year-old talks about her trans identity. It FEELS like a personal affront, a rejection of me and my core identity as a woman.
I need to keep her at the forefront. She is struggling: with OCD/ASD, with pandemic changes, with identity, with high school, with all of it. She's trying so hard to figure out who she is. Today she called her trans identity "immutable" and it nearly threw me back into despair. Deep breath. Remember: she's 14. She's struggling. She sees being trans as a social identity that gives her belonging and safety. Breathe, mom. Just breathe and remember your child is in pain and looking for a way out. You'll get through this. (And maybe it's ok that I feel a bit bitter that I HAVE to get through this, but that's for me and my therapist.)
"It FEELS like a personal affront, a rejection of me and my core identity as a woman." I hope you know what a common experience this is. I hear a similar sentiment with each of my clients, and I certainly felt it myself. Kudos for reframing and remembering "she's 14. She's struggling" and this identity is filling certain needs for her.
I also heard a phrase recently that I think speaks to your bitterness, "unearned suffering is redemptive." Moving through times like these, allowing the difficult feelings, experiencing the pain and disappointment--these are all necessary for us to move into and claim our own wholeness. You got this Mama! Breathe. ;)
Hi Normal. I recently sent you an email from stoicmom@protonmail.com I think sometimes these get sent to spam. I wanted to make sure you've received it?
Yes, yes, yes, this theme was emerging all along. The only way is through, but so much more. The obstacle is providing the rich soil to grow us! What a horrible obstacle, but there are other horrible obstacles and we can now relate to others through that lens of suffering. I have read "Streams in the Desert" everyday going on 4 years now and for Christians suffering, this book gets it. The reframe is the key to suffering. We can choose our response. If pain and suffering increase our empathy and compassion for others AND increase our capacity for joy, why do we run from our obstacle? It is the way to increase our capacity for good humanness.
I feel like I should have more emotion behind these philosophical sound bites (I am an INTJ on a quest for truth and knowledge and an Enneagram 1 so nothing is ever quite perfect) so here goes: yes I am mad as hell that this is happening to our kids. Yes I want to fight. Even drop kick some of my friends down the hallway. But I am in a unique position of influence and I am being strategic.
The first step is authenticity. I need to really love people who I disagree with. More than just "be kind". I want this love to ooze out of my pores and I find myself adoring my students and colleagues, even in the midst of conflict, even the annoying ones, and I lean in during our conversations and I lean in harder when they are being vulnerable. I owe all of that to my daughter and this hard, hard thing. She has made me a better human and I thank her all the time for being my best teacher (your words).
Thanks for this Erin! I definitely distinguish between compassion and kindness. I really love to imagine a world with more compassion and attempts to understand the needs of those who appear to be on the other side of things. It can be really difficult --especially if we're in survival mode and when our children are pawns in the struggle to get those needs met and many will bear the scars of this particular moment in our culture. I think this generation is crying out in desperation for us to take a look at where we've come to--at how we're failing ourselves and our species.
Great name. We, the parents of the young people caught in a dangerous era, are on a very unexpected journey, but that's, well, to be expected. If we could predict what our lives would be, or the challenges we would meet along the way, what would be the point of going through it? It's all to figure things out, to fight what needs fighting, and, as you have pointed out, enjoy what's joyful. This era sends the message that normal teenage discomfort is actually proof of a "Gender Identity" that, for no discernable reason, requires either serious chemical and/or surgical alterations of healthy bodies, or, at least, denial of material reality. We have no choice but to experience what is happening, as insane as it is, although we certainly can act to protect our children in whatever ways we deem most appropriate. Your point, I think, is that, we don't have to let this insanity make us miserable and give up on ourselves, or children or the joy of life along the way. Thank you for this necessary reminder.
Thanks for the reminder. I yo-yo in and out of despair, much of it dictated by how much my 14-year-old talks about her trans identity. It FEELS like a personal affront, a rejection of me and my core identity as a woman.
I need to keep her at the forefront. She is struggling: with OCD/ASD, with pandemic changes, with identity, with high school, with all of it. She's trying so hard to figure out who she is. Today she called her trans identity "immutable" and it nearly threw me back into despair. Deep breath. Remember: she's 14. She's struggling. She sees being trans as a social identity that gives her belonging and safety. Breathe, mom. Just breathe and remember your child is in pain and looking for a way out. You'll get through this. (And maybe it's ok that I feel a bit bitter that I HAVE to get through this, but that's for me and my therapist.)
"It FEELS like a personal affront, a rejection of me and my core identity as a woman." I hope you know what a common experience this is. I hear a similar sentiment with each of my clients, and I certainly felt it myself. Kudos for reframing and remembering "she's 14. She's struggling" and this identity is filling certain needs for her.
I also heard a phrase recently that I think speaks to your bitterness, "unearned suffering is redemptive." Moving through times like these, allowing the difficult feelings, experiencing the pain and disappointment--these are all necessary for us to move into and claim our own wholeness. You got this Mama! Breathe. ;)
Oh, and yes, I want to be a front-lines warrior, too, but that would put me in opposition to my child, and right now, that's not my role.
You're doing incredibly important work with your daughter that has the power to change future generations! You're doing plenty.
Hi Normal. I recently sent you an email from stoicmom@protonmail.com I think sometimes these get sent to spam. I wanted to make sure you've received it?
Got it and replied this morning. Thanks!
Yes, yes, yes, this theme was emerging all along. The only way is through, but so much more. The obstacle is providing the rich soil to grow us! What a horrible obstacle, but there are other horrible obstacles and we can now relate to others through that lens of suffering. I have read "Streams in the Desert" everyday going on 4 years now and for Christians suffering, this book gets it. The reframe is the key to suffering. We can choose our response. If pain and suffering increase our empathy and compassion for others AND increase our capacity for joy, why do we run from our obstacle? It is the way to increase our capacity for good humanness.
I feel like I should have more emotion behind these philosophical sound bites (I am an INTJ on a quest for truth and knowledge and an Enneagram 1 so nothing is ever quite perfect) so here goes: yes I am mad as hell that this is happening to our kids. Yes I want to fight. Even drop kick some of my friends down the hallway. But I am in a unique position of influence and I am being strategic.
The first step is authenticity. I need to really love people who I disagree with. More than just "be kind". I want this love to ooze out of my pores and I find myself adoring my students and colleagues, even in the midst of conflict, even the annoying ones, and I lean in during our conversations and I lean in harder when they are being vulnerable. I owe all of that to my daughter and this hard, hard thing. She has made me a better human and I thank her all the time for being my best teacher (your words).
Thanks for this Erin! I definitely distinguish between compassion and kindness. I really love to imagine a world with more compassion and attempts to understand the needs of those who appear to be on the other side of things. It can be really difficult --especially if we're in survival mode and when our children are pawns in the struggle to get those needs met and many will bear the scars of this particular moment in our culture. I think this generation is crying out in desperation for us to take a look at where we've come to--at how we're failing ourselves and our species.
Great name. We, the parents of the young people caught in a dangerous era, are on a very unexpected journey, but that's, well, to be expected. If we could predict what our lives would be, or the challenges we would meet along the way, what would be the point of going through it? It's all to figure things out, to fight what needs fighting, and, as you have pointed out, enjoy what's joyful. This era sends the message that normal teenage discomfort is actually proof of a "Gender Identity" that, for no discernable reason, requires either serious chemical and/or surgical alterations of healthy bodies, or, at least, denial of material reality. We have no choice but to experience what is happening, as insane as it is, although we certainly can act to protect our children in whatever ways we deem most appropriate. Your point, I think, is that, we don't have to let this insanity make us miserable and give up on ourselves, or children or the joy of life along the way. Thank you for this necessary reminder.
"we don't have to let this insanity make us miserable and give up on ourselves, or children or the joy of life along the way." ❤
I love this.
🤗