along the way
I think I figured it out! Nothing to do with projects was offering me any appealing new titles. So I switched to trying to find something among the ancient wisdom to rename my podcast and reflection posts and get them “out of the trenches”. I thought about the dark, ugly, scary path, then it hit me: if we’re traveling a path to accomplish this thing and “the obstacle is the way”, well… What do you think? I decided to not capitalize it because I want to be careful not to proclaim I have the Way.
I do want to share more stories and wisdom for how to reframe this experience. I love the positive frame of using this circumstance as “inspiration to become a better human.” I’m pretty sure The StoicMom Project is attracting families who have discovered this themselves or who are ready to try something a little (or a lot) different. This ancient practice of reframing has the power to change your experience, to help you move through this with a bit more grace, an opportunity to retest your values and strengthen your relationships–it definitely takes some work, some deep emotional work, but this path has the potential to change your whole way of being in the world.
I’ve laid down my arms. I’m surrendering to this experience. I don’t want to be on the other side of a war than my daughter. I won’t be her enemy–even if only in her mind. Of course, I won’t fight for the side she believes she’s on either. I’ve decided I’m on “Team Human” and that this is more aligned with my values: compassion, peace, a needs-orientation, modeling personal responsibility and being in charge of my experience. I’m still rooting for those working to expose the ideology for what it is–an unfalsifiable belief system–but fighting the battles is not to be my work. There’s so much more to this conscious choice than I want to communicate in this piece; I do want you to know this is not a move I make lightly. I will say, I’ve recognized that my work is not on the front lines, it’s here. In relationships. Along the way.
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve published a podcast episode but I recorded an interview last night that will be my first episode of “conversations along the way.” It is definitely a conversation about this reframe: about faith, surrender, and embracing this “hard, hard thing.” I’ve decided to not rename past episodes, because I truly felt I was in the trenches when I launched StoicMom and the years preceding it. I haven’t decided whether I’ll rename the past articles/episodes of the Reflections, but moving forward my paid content series will be called “reflections along the way.”
Thank you all for being part of this journey! I’ve learned so much since launching StoicMom and this shift didn’t actually happen until I started really engaging with others through this content and by digging into the individuation work with other moms. Thank you for listening, for reading, for commenting, for conversing with me; thank you for sharing your pain, your insights, your celebrations–for opening your hearts. We only truly grow in relationship. It’s the relationships along the way that will forge us. Who will you become?
Thanks for the reminder. I yo-yo in and out of despair, much of it dictated by how much my 14-year-old talks about her trans identity. It FEELS like a personal affront, a rejection of me and my core identity as a woman.
I need to keep her at the forefront. She is struggling: with OCD/ASD, with pandemic changes, with identity, with high school, with all of it. She's trying so hard to figure out who she is. Today she called her trans identity "immutable" and it nearly threw me back into despair. Deep breath. Remember: she's 14. She's struggling. She sees being trans as a social identity that gives her belonging and safety. Breathe, mom. Just breathe and remember your child is in pain and looking for a way out. You'll get through this. (And maybe it's ok that I feel a bit bitter that I HAVE to get through this, but that's for me and my therapist.)
Yes, yes, yes, this theme was emerging all along. The only way is through, but so much more. The obstacle is providing the rich soil to grow us! What a horrible obstacle, but there are other horrible obstacles and we can now relate to others through that lens of suffering. I have read "Streams in the Desert" everyday going on 4 years now and for Christians suffering, this book gets it. The reframe is the key to suffering. We can choose our response. If pain and suffering increase our empathy and compassion for others AND increase our capacity for joy, why do we run from our obstacle? It is the way to increase our capacity for good humanness.
I feel like I should have more emotion behind these philosophical sound bites (I am an INTJ on a quest for truth and knowledge and an Enneagram 1 so nothing is ever quite perfect) so here goes: yes I am mad as hell that this is happening to our kids. Yes I want to fight. Even drop kick some of my friends down the hallway. But I am in a unique position of influence and I am being strategic.
The first step is authenticity. I need to really love people who I disagree with. More than just "be kind". I want this love to ooze out of my pores and I find myself adoring my students and colleagues, even in the midst of conflict, even the annoying ones, and I lean in during our conversations and I lean in harder when they are being vulnerable. I owe all of that to my daughter and this hard, hard thing. She has made me a better human and I thank her all the time for being my best teacher (your words).