I preface this with millions of unspecified disclaimers, but the main disclaimer is that my daughter is probably not like yours, and I'm basing this on her. My daughter would see this only as a challenge and not as an invitation.
I'm also a bit confused about what you are seeking here. Do you really just want to let her know that you will be there for her and to advise her not to do anything medical w/o you by her side? If so, why then ask about her justification? On the other hand, If your real goal is to get her to think more before she does anything to her healthy body - a noble goal I wholeheartedly encourage, even if it's unlikely anything you say will help - then you have to be honest about that. I feel like you're straddling the fence between "I accept what you're doing, but just want to make sure you are careful about what medical steps you take and which medical professionals you seek out" and "I will be there for you no matter what, but I honestly don't think you should be doing anything to your body unless and until you can fully articulate the actual benefits of living as a man, and prove through rational analysis that these benefits are real, knowable and known, and outweigh the known medical and other detriments."
I love most of what you said and wouldn't touch the wording, but I would consider which of the 2 above goals you seek to achieve and be honest and clear about that. If it's the former, you need to remove the language about her articulating why she's doing this. It doesn't belong in such a letter. If it's the latter, remove language indicating that you accept her choices, because you don't yet accept them.
I could be totally wrong here - as I'm flailing in my own situation!!! And I apologize if this sounds like I'm being judgmental. Believe me, I trust that you're in a better place than me in terms of acceptance. I just wanted to say what occurred to me in case it gives you any additional perspective.
Okay, when you say, "be honest and clear" do you mean with myself or with her? I find myself often being very careful to use language that will mean what it needs to mean to her while also feeling honest and authentic for me.
I totally agree that I am straddling the fence you describe, AND I feel it may be the only way to get her to take a deeper look. I think the two "positions" can co-exist and modeling that ambivalence isn't a bad thing. I don't think I've been dishonest except that maybe I'm not upfront about my hopefulness that a deeper look might shift her a little. If she does allow me to engage in research with her, I will legitimately try to reassure myself--if she's moving forward, I do still need to make peace with that future. As things currently stand, she cannot hear me and my concerns. I do want to make the invitation in good faith, and I will sincerely look for quality evidence with her. I don't think she needs to know the part where I don't think we'll find it--and if we do find it, then it will help me make peace. Does this make sense?
All that said, I don't want her to feel like this is a challenge. I'd welcome suggestions. I think I'm okay with it leaving her feeling a little confused if she also opens herself to the invitation. She's heard me say things like, "I honestly don't think you should be doing anything to your body unless and until you can fully articulate the actual benefits of living as a man, and prove through rational analysis that these benefits are real, knowable and known, and outweigh the known medical and other detriments." But these types of comments have left her feeling, according to her therapist, "alone and unsupported" because she still intends to pursue the things. I feel it's important to create the context where she can allow herself to consider such statements.
I do so appreciate your insightful comments and am definitely still thinking through this approach, so thank you for these ideas that have given me pause.
I see what you're saying. I guess you can't come out and say you think she needs to take a closer look before leaping. So I’m just going through and seeing what words or phrases can be tweaked. Otherwise, I think this is the best you can do with this delicate (and terrifying) issue.
Remove “And yes, I have an ulterior motive here.” and remove “still” in both places. This leaves “You’re my first born child and you mean the world to me.” [Ulterior motives are notoriously bad! And you don’t want to say “still” as it draws your feelings into question. There’s no still as there’s no question.]
And later, instead of “Can we try this. Can you give me another chance...?” Can you say “Would you be willing to give me another chance...” [I think it has to be clear that you see this as a favor she's doing for you, to assuage your fears.]
I hope this helps. And I hope she really thinks about all this before jumping in with both feet. Mainly, as for my own daughter, I hope she ends up happy and healthy, whatever choices she makes - I know that’s all you want for her. Hey, maybe end with that.
"I just want you to be happy and healthy, whatever choices you make."
This letter brings up SO many feelings surrounding my own letting go of my son, mixed with memories of my own errant young adulthood. I wish I had something insightful or brutally honest by way of wisdom. Instead, I’m fantasizing about being in your position: throwing my arms around my child’s knees and sitting on his feet, refusing to let go, all while desperately begging him to stay home. It’s a hard feeling to sit with, as this goes so totally against my nature and everything I know to be true: I’ve never begged for anyone to do anything--I’m a “If you love something, set it free...” kind of person; always have been...but I can now imagine it. God, our children are like our Kryptonite--I wasn’t prepared for that.
I have a close relationship with my own mother; I always have. Even when, at barely 19, I came home and, out of the clear blue, I announced to her and my dad that I’d gotten a new job in LA; I was dropping out of school and moving to a big house in Bel Air--that weekend. And I did. While it wasn’t another state, it involved people my folks had never heard of, let alone met, and who were much older than me (and grown-ass men). My parents had neither address nor phone number for me.
It took me about 2-1/2 years to decide I didn’t want that life; when I called my folks to ask if I could come home, they let me, easy as you please. No guilt trips, no “I told you so”s, just, “Your room is waiting for you.”
I wonder if I would have appreciated a letter like yours from my own mother at that time? Our relationship was so different--much less entangled--than our relationships with our kids, I think. My mom didn’t help me with college applications, let alone consult with my therapists after about age 17, and I didn’t want her to. I do remember when, at 16, she found my birth control pills (carelessly left hanging out of my purse): she confronted me, and she told me that her only request was that I see her gynecologist so she could be sure they were being appropriately prescribed. She then informed me that she would NOT be raising anymore children; she said that if I got pregnant, “I’ll drag you by the hair to the abortion clinic and have it scraped into a sink.” (That put the fear of God into me--and I managed not to get pregnant.) While her words were harsh, I was--and am--so grateful for that “if/then” boundary she so graphically laid out for me. But I can see that wouldn’t work in your case. At all.
Perhaps the only addition to your letter would be to remind your daughter that a lifetime is, at best, a VERY long time. And that doctors are NOT our friends. That second one might be a tough sell--in our case, my son SAW the ravages of “medical care” on his father, and he trusts medicine about as far as he can throw it.
Good luck to you, my friend. I wish I had something of value to offer. FWIW, you remain in my prayers/meditations/heart. All of you.
Thank you for all of this! "God, our children are like our Kryptonite--I wasn’t prepared for that." is some pretty profound wisdom imo!
My kid is aware of my thoughts on long lifetimes and doctors. I would hope that if we did the research together, I would be able to say those things again in a way that she might hear me.
Yes! All of this. And I hope to inspire her to look a little deeper; to vet resources that she thinks will convince ME precisely so she won't go looking for what she wants to find, but rather for high quality sources that she'll not be able to find. I do think she's got that capacity. Yes, her perspective is naive and immature, and she desperately wants it to be true, but deep down, I think she knows it's a lie. She's holding the cognitive dissonance, and I'm hoping this will help her find some truth.
I do think I've defined what I need to see to "feel better" but maybe it's not clear? I specifically want her looking for evidence that desired procedures will contribute to a full, meaningful, authentic life rather than cause health burdens and shorten it, and a list of professionals whose reputations and credentials we can research.
I totally welcome more of your thoughts!
p.s. I too have said something similar to my daughter about once being a teenager and now raising one (and how I'd lived just as long as an adult before having children.) It's in the "A Definition of Mother" post--which is an older one, way back in the archives; a letter written to my daughter in 2019.
That's the leap of faith part. The "she's my kid and she knows me." I've heard her say many times, "I want to show you something but I already know what you think." She's usually right. Even if the invitation just gets her to look a little deeper in hopes she'll find something--if she finds happy people 30 years in, that's legit, right? The more trust I show her the more quality she'll set out to find. The more she tries to see things through my eyes, (even if she scoffs at the letter, the seed will be planted) the more likely she'll be to see the lies. That's the idea anyway, and I still value trust. It's definitely risky, but what more is there at this point? Trying to directly argue her out of it has failed and caused her to dig in. I don't want her taking off to where my proximity is so much less than her indoctrinated friends AND their supportive families, thinking I am against her.
Thank you again! As I am writing this I am observing myself "digging in." It's fascinating!
I preface this with millions of unspecified disclaimers, but the main disclaimer is that my daughter is probably not like yours, and I'm basing this on her. My daughter would see this only as a challenge and not as an invitation.
I'm also a bit confused about what you are seeking here. Do you really just want to let her know that you will be there for her and to advise her not to do anything medical w/o you by her side? If so, why then ask about her justification? On the other hand, If your real goal is to get her to think more before she does anything to her healthy body - a noble goal I wholeheartedly encourage, even if it's unlikely anything you say will help - then you have to be honest about that. I feel like you're straddling the fence between "I accept what you're doing, but just want to make sure you are careful about what medical steps you take and which medical professionals you seek out" and "I will be there for you no matter what, but I honestly don't think you should be doing anything to your body unless and until you can fully articulate the actual benefits of living as a man, and prove through rational analysis that these benefits are real, knowable and known, and outweigh the known medical and other detriments."
I love most of what you said and wouldn't touch the wording, but I would consider which of the 2 above goals you seek to achieve and be honest and clear about that. If it's the former, you need to remove the language about her articulating why she's doing this. It doesn't belong in such a letter. If it's the latter, remove language indicating that you accept her choices, because you don't yet accept them.
I could be totally wrong here - as I'm flailing in my own situation!!! And I apologize if this sounds like I'm being judgmental. Believe me, I trust that you're in a better place than me in terms of acceptance. I just wanted to say what occurred to me in case it gives you any additional perspective.
Okay, when you say, "be honest and clear" do you mean with myself or with her? I find myself often being very careful to use language that will mean what it needs to mean to her while also feeling honest and authentic for me.
I totally agree that I am straddling the fence you describe, AND I feel it may be the only way to get her to take a deeper look. I think the two "positions" can co-exist and modeling that ambivalence isn't a bad thing. I don't think I've been dishonest except that maybe I'm not upfront about my hopefulness that a deeper look might shift her a little. If she does allow me to engage in research with her, I will legitimately try to reassure myself--if she's moving forward, I do still need to make peace with that future. As things currently stand, she cannot hear me and my concerns. I do want to make the invitation in good faith, and I will sincerely look for quality evidence with her. I don't think she needs to know the part where I don't think we'll find it--and if we do find it, then it will help me make peace. Does this make sense?
All that said, I don't want her to feel like this is a challenge. I'd welcome suggestions. I think I'm okay with it leaving her feeling a little confused if she also opens herself to the invitation. She's heard me say things like, "I honestly don't think you should be doing anything to your body unless and until you can fully articulate the actual benefits of living as a man, and prove through rational analysis that these benefits are real, knowable and known, and outweigh the known medical and other detriments." But these types of comments have left her feeling, according to her therapist, "alone and unsupported" because she still intends to pursue the things. I feel it's important to create the context where she can allow herself to consider such statements.
I do so appreciate your insightful comments and am definitely still thinking through this approach, so thank you for these ideas that have given me pause.
I see what you're saying. I guess you can't come out and say you think she needs to take a closer look before leaping. So I’m just going through and seeing what words or phrases can be tweaked. Otherwise, I think this is the best you can do with this delicate (and terrifying) issue.
Remove “And yes, I have an ulterior motive here.” and remove “still” in both places. This leaves “You’re my first born child and you mean the world to me.” [Ulterior motives are notoriously bad! And you don’t want to say “still” as it draws your feelings into question. There’s no still as there’s no question.]
And later, instead of “Can we try this. Can you give me another chance...?” Can you say “Would you be willing to give me another chance...” [I think it has to be clear that you see this as a favor she's doing for you, to assuage your fears.]
I hope this helps. And I hope she really thinks about all this before jumping in with both feet. Mainly, as for my own daughter, I hope she ends up happy and healthy, whatever choices she makes - I know that’s all you want for her. Hey, maybe end with that.
"I just want you to be happy and healthy, whatever choices you make."
😍🙏
I've been looking forward to your thoughts! I can't respond right now but will let this all marinate a bit and come back!
This letter brings up SO many feelings surrounding my own letting go of my son, mixed with memories of my own errant young adulthood. I wish I had something insightful or brutally honest by way of wisdom. Instead, I’m fantasizing about being in your position: throwing my arms around my child’s knees and sitting on his feet, refusing to let go, all while desperately begging him to stay home. It’s a hard feeling to sit with, as this goes so totally against my nature and everything I know to be true: I’ve never begged for anyone to do anything--I’m a “If you love something, set it free...” kind of person; always have been...but I can now imagine it. God, our children are like our Kryptonite--I wasn’t prepared for that.
I have a close relationship with my own mother; I always have. Even when, at barely 19, I came home and, out of the clear blue, I announced to her and my dad that I’d gotten a new job in LA; I was dropping out of school and moving to a big house in Bel Air--that weekend. And I did. While it wasn’t another state, it involved people my folks had never heard of, let alone met, and who were much older than me (and grown-ass men). My parents had neither address nor phone number for me.
It took me about 2-1/2 years to decide I didn’t want that life; when I called my folks to ask if I could come home, they let me, easy as you please. No guilt trips, no “I told you so”s, just, “Your room is waiting for you.”
I wonder if I would have appreciated a letter like yours from my own mother at that time? Our relationship was so different--much less entangled--than our relationships with our kids, I think. My mom didn’t help me with college applications, let alone consult with my therapists after about age 17, and I didn’t want her to. I do remember when, at 16, she found my birth control pills (carelessly left hanging out of my purse): she confronted me, and she told me that her only request was that I see her gynecologist so she could be sure they were being appropriately prescribed. She then informed me that she would NOT be raising anymore children; she said that if I got pregnant, “I’ll drag you by the hair to the abortion clinic and have it scraped into a sink.” (That put the fear of God into me--and I managed not to get pregnant.) While her words were harsh, I was--and am--so grateful for that “if/then” boundary she so graphically laid out for me. But I can see that wouldn’t work in your case. At all.
Perhaps the only addition to your letter would be to remind your daughter that a lifetime is, at best, a VERY long time. And that doctors are NOT our friends. That second one might be a tough sell--in our case, my son SAW the ravages of “medical care” on his father, and he trusts medicine about as far as he can throw it.
Good luck to you, my friend. I wish I had something of value to offer. FWIW, you remain in my prayers/meditations/heart. All of you.
Thank you for all of this! "God, our children are like our Kryptonite--I wasn’t prepared for that." is some pretty profound wisdom imo!
My kid is aware of my thoughts on long lifetimes and doctors. I would hope that if we did the research together, I would be able to say those things again in a way that she might hear me.
Yes! All of this. And I hope to inspire her to look a little deeper; to vet resources that she thinks will convince ME precisely so she won't go looking for what she wants to find, but rather for high quality sources that she'll not be able to find. I do think she's got that capacity. Yes, her perspective is naive and immature, and she desperately wants it to be true, but deep down, I think she knows it's a lie. She's holding the cognitive dissonance, and I'm hoping this will help her find some truth.
I do think I've defined what I need to see to "feel better" but maybe it's not clear? I specifically want her looking for evidence that desired procedures will contribute to a full, meaningful, authentic life rather than cause health burdens and shorten it, and a list of professionals whose reputations and credentials we can research.
I totally welcome more of your thoughts!
p.s. I too have said something similar to my daughter about once being a teenager and now raising one (and how I'd lived just as long as an adult before having children.) It's in the "A Definition of Mother" post--which is an older one, way back in the archives; a letter written to my daughter in 2019.
That's the leap of faith part. The "she's my kid and she knows me." I've heard her say many times, "I want to show you something but I already know what you think." She's usually right. Even if the invitation just gets her to look a little deeper in hopes she'll find something--if she finds happy people 30 years in, that's legit, right? The more trust I show her the more quality she'll set out to find. The more she tries to see things through my eyes, (even if she scoffs at the letter, the seed will be planted) the more likely she'll be to see the lies. That's the idea anyway, and I still value trust. It's definitely risky, but what more is there at this point? Trying to directly argue her out of it has failed and caused her to dig in. I don't want her taking off to where my proximity is so much less than her indoctrinated friends AND their supportive families, thinking I am against her.
Thank you again! As I am writing this I am observing myself "digging in." It's fascinating!