You and your writing have been keeping me company all week. I've been re-reading your beautifully insightful pieces on Defining Trans and Are you the Enemy?
I, too, have a ROGD daughter. She's 18 now and we've been in this for about five years (the last two have been the worst). Your kid sounds a lot like mine.
Like you, I'm trying to tell myself that all this misery is forcing me to grow. But I'm oh so tired, too, and sometimes I just think about how lovely it would be run away from all this.
We'll get through this together. One stoic day at a time. That's all we can do.
One day they will thank us. One day they will become adults and realise the love we always had for them. Some days are harder than others I guess. Keep being stoic and helping others to be stoic to x
Humans are wired for community; it's so sad that we parents are put in this weird, lonely place of not knowing who in our local community we can trust to support us with this heavy load. I know it's not the same as getting a hug from a friend, but hopefully reading these stories brings some comfort. You are not alone.
I'm pretty sure this is part of the symptom cluster they've adopted--the not wanting to be touched. I think it will also fall away when it stops serving them.
What a beautiful piece, from start to finish. It reminds me of the time when my own son stopped “fitting” into my arms like he once did, when he was about 13. Shortly after that, he stopped asking me for hugs much at all. Now (at 24 and living mostly away), hugs are a special treat when he visits, and though he doesn’t “fit” like he used to, he always feels and smells so good! And recently, I got the compliment of a lifetime: he was over for dinner, and, after taking a bite, he said, “Oh, Mama--I’ve missed your cooking SO much!” I will die a happy woman. Continue being patient: appreciation WILL come. I’d bet the house on it.
Your writing will be so precious to your kids one day: imagine reading similar love letters from your own mother. Absolutely priceless.
I think that if you reread your piece, you’ll see that your original edit IS there! Even without your explanation, it’s easy to see what happened, and the duplication shows off your (excellent) memory and provides an ever-so-slightly different perspective--I wouldn’t bother re-editing it.
Haha! I noticed when I came back that the original was there. I debated leaving it, but ultimately decided to delete the first. Thank you for this lovely note! Hope you're well. :) I fantasize about the day my kids come home and tell me they missed my cooking!
Though I'm sure it's particularly painful for parents - probably more so for parents of trans kids - to be unappreciated. Reminds me of my father quoting Shakespeare's, "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child.” Probably not at all about any of my actions, but probably more those of my siblings ... 😉
But reminds me also of an old joke about a mother complaining to her oldish son - or daughter - about how they didn't appreciate all that she had done for them, from giving birth to bathing, feeding, housing, clothing, and education. And the kid had responded with, "sure, but what have you done for me lately?" .... 😉
But a rather remarkable phenomenon in many ways, as painful as it no doubt is for those directly affected. I've often argued that it provides something of an insight into how we all develop our senses of self. Konrad Lorenz in his "Civilized Man's Eight Deadly Sins" - highly recommended - argued that:
"Far from being an insurmountable obstacle to the analysis of an organic system, a pathological disorder is often the key to understanding it. We know of many cases in the history of physiology where a scientist became aware of an important organic system only after a pathological disturbance had caused its disease. [pg2]"
Moot of course as to what is the "organic system" involved in the phenomenon of transgenderism, but I've often argued that the "disorder" may be due to an excess of empathy - too many mirror neurons - leading to a blurring between self and other. Arguably what may occur in "imprinting" - which Lorenz himself did some studies of - and what undergirds Woody Allen's character Zelig - "the chameleon man":
Hi StoicMom,
You and your writing have been keeping me company all week. I've been re-reading your beautifully insightful pieces on Defining Trans and Are you the Enemy?
I, too, have a ROGD daughter. She's 18 now and we've been in this for about five years (the last two have been the worst). Your kid sounds a lot like mine.
Like you, I'm trying to tell myself that all this misery is forcing me to grow. But I'm oh so tired, too, and sometimes I just think about how lovely it would be run away from all this.
We'll get through this together. One stoic day at a time. That's all we can do.
Thank you so much for this comment! And yes, "We'll get through this together. One stoic day at a time. That's all we can do."
Glad you wrote this. I appreciate all these stories to know I'm not alone.
So many stories being created. You are definitely not alone and our stories will live on even after the nightmare ends.
One day they will thank us. One day they will become adults and realise the love we always had for them. Some days are harder than others I guess. Keep being stoic and helping others to be stoic to x
That's right, and we'll wrap them in a mother's love and that's when they'll begin to truly understand what it means to be a woman. Thank you!
❤️🙏so glad to read this. Thank you
thank you!
Thank you for sharing your stories. It's so helpful to know I am not alone.
Humans are wired for community; it's so sad that we parents are put in this weird, lonely place of not knowing who in our local community we can trust to support us with this heavy load. I know it's not the same as getting a hug from a friend, but hopefully reading these stories brings some comfort. You are not alone.
I feel the same and less alone. Thank you for sharing your story. Brilliant.
I appreciate these comments so much! Thank you for being here and taking the time to share.
My daughter hates it when I touch her. Used to be so different. Makes my heart hurt. I feel you! 👊🏼
I'm pretty sure this is part of the symptom cluster they've adopted--the not wanting to be touched. I think it will also fall away when it stops serving them.
That’ll be the best hug ever then!
What a beautiful piece, from start to finish. It reminds me of the time when my own son stopped “fitting” into my arms like he once did, when he was about 13. Shortly after that, he stopped asking me for hugs much at all. Now (at 24 and living mostly away), hugs are a special treat when he visits, and though he doesn’t “fit” like he used to, he always feels and smells so good! And recently, I got the compliment of a lifetime: he was over for dinner, and, after taking a bite, he said, “Oh, Mama--I’ve missed your cooking SO much!” I will die a happy woman. Continue being patient: appreciation WILL come. I’d bet the house on it.
Your writing will be so precious to your kids one day: imagine reading similar love letters from your own mother. Absolutely priceless.
I think that if you reread your piece, you’ll see that your original edit IS there! Even without your explanation, it’s easy to see what happened, and the duplication shows off your (excellent) memory and provides an ever-so-slightly different perspective--I wouldn’t bother re-editing it.
Haha! I noticed when I came back that the original was there. I debated leaving it, but ultimately decided to delete the first. Thank you for this lovely note! Hope you're well. :) I fantasize about the day my kids come home and tell me they missed my cooking!
"mama said you can't hurry love" ... 😉
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ7uXX9K7Sk
Though I'm sure it's particularly painful for parents - probably more so for parents of trans kids - to be unappreciated. Reminds me of my father quoting Shakespeare's, "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child.” Probably not at all about any of my actions, but probably more those of my siblings ... 😉
But reminds me also of an old joke about a mother complaining to her oldish son - or daughter - about how they didn't appreciate all that she had done for them, from giving birth to bathing, feeding, housing, clothing, and education. And the kid had responded with, "sure, but what have you done for me lately?" .... 😉
But a rather remarkable phenomenon in many ways, as painful as it no doubt is for those directly affected. I've often argued that it provides something of an insight into how we all develop our senses of self. Konrad Lorenz in his "Civilized Man's Eight Deadly Sins" - highly recommended - argued that:
"Far from being an insurmountable obstacle to the analysis of an organic system, a pathological disorder is often the key to understanding it. We know of many cases in the history of physiology where a scientist became aware of an important organic system only after a pathological disturbance had caused its disease. [pg2]"
Moot of course as to what is the "organic system" involved in the phenomenon of transgenderism, but I've often argued that the "disorder" may be due to an excess of empathy - too many mirror neurons - leading to a blurring between self and other. Arguably what may occur in "imprinting" - which Lorenz himself did some studies of - and what undergirds Woody Allen's character Zelig - "the chameleon man":
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imprinting_(psychology)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zelig