Things Aren't Working!

and a time sensitive invitation

Are you experiencing this? That things are just not working for you?

I can totally bring back the feeling sense of that in my body–the primal emotions of frustration and alarm that inhabited me—when I couldn’t seem to get my daughter to see this dangerous thing that had captured her mind. I tried everything: curiosity, gently planting seeds, losing my temper, taking things away, logic and explaining, threatening and intensity, trying to get other adults on my side so they could help me help her.

I was desperate to change external circumstances, throwing myself against a wall of futility over and over. The unbearable feelings in my body driving me to keep trying, to keep researching, to keep pursuing sanity, to keep at the task of persuading her of the dangers, to keep trying to make her stop this!

Then I turned my attention to the culture of crazy. If I could just make others see what was happening, they’d surely join the fight. But suddenly it felt as though I was surrounded by Stepford Wives. Sci-fi really is prophetic, yet I was incredulous that I was experiencing the terror of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, never knowing who to trust. Could I peak someone? Anyone? I had conversations that felt clandestine, always carefully testing my conversation partners. I found myself in online forums engaging with fervor to change the minds of strangers, and when logic didn’t work, I’d resort to a mocking tone, sarcasm, righteousness.

All the while, intermittent desperation and rage filled my body as this insidious cultural infection filled my mind. It became my whole world and was my singular focus: rescue my family from a world gone mad. Yet, the more I learned, the more fear I felt. Understanding it wasn’t helping me change it and was only making me feel more desperate. I thought knowledge was power! Why wasn’t this working?!

I spent years at this. I forget how many. I recall the dawning realization that there was no way that my efforts–even combined with all those who were trying with me–would accomplish anything in time to save my daughter, my family. I could keep going like this, but it literally felt as though it was consuming me. Eating me alive and draining my will to get out of bed each day. I developed Stage 2 Adrenal Fatigue and my aging process began accelerating.

During this time, my days were filled with disappointment, confusion, resentment, rage, hatred, the deepest kind of fear and loneliness, despair, but maybe the most intolerable for me: impotence.

This experience literally brought me to my knees, broke me. I was desperate for a God to pray to–even tried this a few times, certain my pleas were falling on non-existent ears. By this point I ached for the easy bond my daughter and I had that I’d taken for granted during her childhood. I continued to work hard to keep her as close as possible, but our interactions were now mostly stilted, hollow, awkward.

This isn’t how things were supposed to go! I never imagined this is how we’d end up. I tried all the things, convinced that if I didn’t save her from this, it would ruin her and us…and me. In the end, nothing worked.

Finally I gave into the grief. I let go of my agenda–because it wasn’t going to happen. I allowed the pain of it all to fill me up and spill out, tears flowing. I let in the sadness that had been quietly waiting to be felt, hiding behind all the bigger, louder feelings that were protecting my heart, shielding me from the understanding that I wouldn’t get my way this time. I’d lost to forces that were much larger than me, and this was my fate. We were here, and here required something completely different from me.

I had to get bigger than this problem. Something in me would need to change if I were to keep going, to reclaim my life, to stop being a victim of this thing and find joy again. I would need to change my relationship with this thing, with my kids, with my self.

What could it teach me, this thing that was too big for me to conquer? Ultimately, it had broken me open. To new ways of seeing life and my place in it. My understanding of what it means to be human changed, and I was humbled. My illusion of control completely shattered. And I was finally free. The weight of the world lifted off my shoulders, and the shackles of “what should be” released me. My agency was restored because I now understood the power I had—and its limits.

Photo by MacDonald Almeida on Unsplash

I recently returned from a trip to visit my girl. While there, I noticed that I was still noticing the thing’s influence on her world–yet I wasn’t triggered by any of it. On occasion, I thought I even heard her and her partner slip with their pronouns, referring to each other as “she.” Perhaps this was wishful thinking? Do I still have wishful thinking? Turns out the mama bear in me can’t help but attune to signs of loosening.

I felt such relief–like heartbreaking relief that still brings tears to my eyes as I write this–that after years of knowing me, her partner at long last seems comfortable with me, no longer hiding and even trusting me with the nature of their relationship. Her clever humor and fond affection for my daughter finally out in the open. I could see the way they take care of each other; provide emotional shelter for one another in this frightening wilderness of adulthood.

Has the damage done during my first early encounters with this young woman finally been repaired? I guess we never really get a do-over. Rupture pain remains, but we grow bigger than it through forgiveness. What a gift is grace–it acknowledges our humanness. I’ll take what I can get and feel gratitude–while also feeling sadness for what’s been lost.

I spent just an hour or two with them each day I was there, treating them to the rare meal out since the cost of living in the city where they live makes this an extravagance they can’t afford. Each time I left their company, I felt moved to soft tears, my heart aching from the mix of emotions. Things look so different than I thought they would. Is this the relationship with my daughter that I’d envisioned for us? Frankly, it hurts my heart that tentativeness remains. Life and love are fragile–and we’re both showing up in it again, a little nervous and unsure how to be when we’re together, but knowing our relationship has withstood much breakage. We’re still here, still family, not going anywhere.

Maybe this is what it means to be human? We don’t get everything we want. The Universe doesn’t reward our ideas of being good or punish what we think it should. Getting big enough to hold all of it–everything life will hand us to experience–maybe this is the point? We’re just puny humans after all. We can fight reality, stay stuck in the injustice of all the things, protecting our hearts from pain–or we surrender to the moment and find new ways to be and connect and keep going.

This isn’t how you wanted things to go. It’s not fair. It’s not right. You don’t deserve this.

And it’s happening anyway. If you’re beginning to tire of this problem having you maybe it’s time to see if you can flip that relationship? If you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to be working—maybe even getting worse with each passing day—and you think it might be time to try something new but feel it’s too risky to let go of what’s been driving you for so long, we might be able to help you in The Tapestry.

We need to feel safe enough to loosen our desperate grip on how we think things should be. We’ve got to find faith in something larger–begin to trust something that we can’t quite grasp. I know it can feel unthinkable that something light can come from all this suffering, and this attitude has the power to keep us suspended for ages in the darkness–some will (unconsciously, perhaps?) insist on staying here for the rest of their days because it just doesn’t feel right to ever feel good again when life has swept through our lives wreaking havoc and devastation. I do think this feels somehow rebellious, (man shakes fist at sky, “I’ll show you!”)

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves -Viktor Frankl from Man’s Search for Meaning

But if you’re tired and ready to get back to living, maybe it’s time to turn inward? This is what we do in The SMP Tapestry. Come be with other moms who have decided to stop being a victim of this thing and reclaim their agency and authenticity.

Still taking applications for this brief window through tomorrow. You can crack open the door by applying here: bit.ly/SMPTapestry

Please note this is not a support group but rather a coaching and learning community; a focus on activism or your child’s desistance will inhibit your ability to get value from this program. In the Tapestry, we focus on self-discovery and growing bigger than the things that aren’t working for us. As long as your focus is on your own inner work and how you can learn and grow from this most painful of things, we’ve got you and can support you in that through curated resources, private forums, and live conversations. If you’ve already discovered what I describe in this piece on your own, and know you could benefit from like-oriented community—well, we’ve got you too and would be thrilled to have you join us!

Feel free to respond to this email with any questions. If you’re reading this on Substack, I’m happy to answer questions in the comments section.