Great read. Thank you. I wonder too if our stories after we’ve made decisions that have been mistakes we then retell to not have been mistakes after all. Could this be done because we need to protect our egos so we either say yes we made this mistake but look at the positive outcome? Sometimes mistakes are actually just mistakes and if we could go back we would make a different decision. It seems to be a coping mechanism maybe. I could be wrong of course but I’ve thought this when the transitioned people say they are glad they did it and wouldn’t change it. It’s a way of reinforcing ourselves so we don’t feel so bad about what we have done maybe. Idk 🤷♀️
Interesting. I've come to view mistakes as the mechanism through which the majority of human learning occurs. We try something, we mess it up, then we try again--hopefully the mess up isn't too messy but probably the most enduring learning comes from the really painful mistakes; surviving messy and painful = development of resilience. I hear two additional concepts in your comment: regret and sunk cost fallacy. I think if we'd do something different if given a second chance, we likely regret the outcome of the mistake, but we can still own the learning that occurs making it a valuable experience.
I imagine those who've transitioned and say they are glad they did are somewhere on a spectrum of high on the attention or the euphoria of what I see as the "trans addiction" at one end and, like you've said, insisting they're happy--trying to convince everyone, even themselves so they don't allow in the regret they feel deep down--maybe on the other end? (I fear this end is not a pretty place.) The latter would be sunk cost--I've come this far, there's no turning back.They double down to not allow the reality of what they've done to enter their consciousness, and once they can no longer maintain the cognitive dissonance, it could get outright dangerous for those who can't cope.
I imagine we'll learn more as the hordes of young people move through this phase of their life and reality does sink in and they tell their stories. I am very concerned for this group--especially those who've had such scorn for detransitioners. I think this is when the victim story becomes necessary--so these people can have some self-compassion. It's why the gate-keeping that has been dismantled is so important! Maybe, because there will be so many of them, it will be easier to bear the excruciating pain of this "choice."
Another great essay Stoic Mom. I had my own epiphany today about some framing that I use in processing the struggle in my family right now.
ROGD 18 yo daughter wants me and hubby to use her male name and pronouns. We are the only ones who don’t, and I frame this resisting as “being strong.”
Does that mean I believe that other parents who use chosen names or pronouns are “weak”? Absolutely not.
No judgment from me on that, and I want to stop framing it that way.
All parents who are looking deeper into GI theory and trying to guide their children are stuck in this bizarre hellscape. We’re doing what we can to make through to the other side.
Do you plan to continue not using the chosen name/pronouns? If you do, and you feel inclined, please come back and update us when you determine a framing revision that feels better for you. This bizarre hellscape is inspiring the development of some brilliant skills! ;)
A beautiful and thought provoking post - keeping the door open for mistakes and redemption - so tricky
It is tricky, isn't it? Thank you for this comment!
Great read. Thank you. I wonder too if our stories after we’ve made decisions that have been mistakes we then retell to not have been mistakes after all. Could this be done because we need to protect our egos so we either say yes we made this mistake but look at the positive outcome? Sometimes mistakes are actually just mistakes and if we could go back we would make a different decision. It seems to be a coping mechanism maybe. I could be wrong of course but I’ve thought this when the transitioned people say they are glad they did it and wouldn’t change it. It’s a way of reinforcing ourselves so we don’t feel so bad about what we have done maybe. Idk 🤷♀️
Interesting. I've come to view mistakes as the mechanism through which the majority of human learning occurs. We try something, we mess it up, then we try again--hopefully the mess up isn't too messy but probably the most enduring learning comes from the really painful mistakes; surviving messy and painful = development of resilience. I hear two additional concepts in your comment: regret and sunk cost fallacy. I think if we'd do something different if given a second chance, we likely regret the outcome of the mistake, but we can still own the learning that occurs making it a valuable experience.
I imagine those who've transitioned and say they are glad they did are somewhere on a spectrum of high on the attention or the euphoria of what I see as the "trans addiction" at one end and, like you've said, insisting they're happy--trying to convince everyone, even themselves so they don't allow in the regret they feel deep down--maybe on the other end? (I fear this end is not a pretty place.) The latter would be sunk cost--I've come this far, there's no turning back.They double down to not allow the reality of what they've done to enter their consciousness, and once they can no longer maintain the cognitive dissonance, it could get outright dangerous for those who can't cope.
I imagine we'll learn more as the hordes of young people move through this phase of their life and reality does sink in and they tell their stories. I am very concerned for this group--especially those who've had such scorn for detransitioners. I think this is when the victim story becomes necessary--so these people can have some self-compassion. It's why the gate-keeping that has been dismantled is so important! Maybe, because there will be so many of them, it will be easier to bear the excruciating pain of this "choice."
Another great essay Stoic Mom. I had my own epiphany today about some framing that I use in processing the struggle in my family right now.
ROGD 18 yo daughter wants me and hubby to use her male name and pronouns. We are the only ones who don’t, and I frame this resisting as “being strong.”
Does that mean I believe that other parents who use chosen names or pronouns are “weak”? Absolutely not.
No judgment from me on that, and I want to stop framing it that way.
All parents who are looking deeper into GI theory and trying to guide their children are stuck in this bizarre hellscape. We’re doing what we can to make through to the other side.
Do you plan to continue not using the chosen name/pronouns? If you do, and you feel inclined, please come back and update us when you determine a framing revision that feels better for you. This bizarre hellscape is inspiring the development of some brilliant skills! ;)