One small detail I found so interesting here is how your husband uses a commanding tone when his feelings are hurt. It was so important for my whole family to understand that this is what my husband does. Not everyone gets it, and my trans'IDing, autistic son takes it as very threatening, making him feel "unsafe." Anyhow, it was comforting to see that this happens in other families. Just starting to read everything you have here; it's reassuring. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing how that detail resonated for you! I believe the more we can make sense of the experience of those we're communicating with, the easier it is to show up with compassion.
This is, of course, difficult for adolescents--especially in a world where they're taught to take offense and consider others "unsafe." My kids will both say their dad should take responsibility for his actions--he is the grown-up after all. They've got a point, yet they don't--and maybe can't?--understand the impact of attachment wounds. I've learned they all (including my husband) respond quite well when I show up with curiosity and compassion. It's not 100%--me showing up that way, and them responding in kind--but the more I strive toward it, the better my own experience is. And I give them a model. ;)
Thank you for being here! I'm glad your finding value and comfort in the content.
I'd love to know your secret to being so "in the moment" on this. You're not projecting into the future, not catastrophizing, just being sensible about your daughter's need to break out on her own. Even without the specter of medicalization, many parents get anxious - will my kid be okay in another city, will she stop visiting, etc. Once you add in the threat of Planned Parenthood (a phrase I would never have thought to utter until these last couple of years!), it's hard to stay calm. That having been said, you are absolutely right that panicking now will get you nowhere. It's no different than getting on a plane. Once you're on it, what good can come of worrying about crashing? It's out of your control. And I think you have a lot of confidence in your daughter's ability to pilot the plane successfully. Just from what you've said about her, I would say she warrants that confidence. Thanks for taking us with you along the way...
I think it's a combination of this work of "letting go", knowing my faith in her is important (and a shit ton of self talk the last few years to create this faith), that she's returning to a place she knows well and where we know lots of people that she can reach out to if in trouble, having a mom who seemed to have the same faith in me when I left home, faith in Life itself and human resilience, and frankly, knowing my own sanity relies on this approach.
And I need to disclose that I'm not perfect at this! I've definitely had some moments since I wrote this up and recognize I'm now grappling somewhat again with whether I've done what I could. This is such a wild ride!
Very wild. I never could have imagined it! While I don't know everything about you, I am pretty sure you have "done what you could" to protect your daughter from the dangers that are lurking out there. She knows what you think - there is no doubt in her mind that you question this ideology, that you believe medicalization is a dangerous path, AND that you're coming from a good place (not a place of irrational prejudice and fear, or over-controlling desire to make her live a particular lifestyle). From what you've said, it seems to me tht you've also instilled as much confidence in her as possible. At this point, really, what more could you do? And, as for being imperfect at this, that goes without saying. Perfect and human do not co-exist!
What a beautiful, inspirational piece. Loving your confidence in your daughter. Working hard here to have that same perspective - and faith - which is particularly difficult when the world seems to have turned to BizzaroLand in so many ways. Here's to more nuance, more exploration, more openness and especially to belief in our kids, especially knowing we have modeled for them as best we can.
You got this, Mom! 💖
😍🙏
One small detail I found so interesting here is how your husband uses a commanding tone when his feelings are hurt. It was so important for my whole family to understand that this is what my husband does. Not everyone gets it, and my trans'IDing, autistic son takes it as very threatening, making him feel "unsafe." Anyhow, it was comforting to see that this happens in other families. Just starting to read everything you have here; it's reassuring. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing how that detail resonated for you! I believe the more we can make sense of the experience of those we're communicating with, the easier it is to show up with compassion.
This is, of course, difficult for adolescents--especially in a world where they're taught to take offense and consider others "unsafe." My kids will both say their dad should take responsibility for his actions--he is the grown-up after all. They've got a point, yet they don't--and maybe can't?--understand the impact of attachment wounds. I've learned they all (including my husband) respond quite well when I show up with curiosity and compassion. It's not 100%--me showing up that way, and them responding in kind--but the more I strive toward it, the better my own experience is. And I give them a model. ;)
Thank you for being here! I'm glad your finding value and comfort in the content.
I'd love to know your secret to being so "in the moment" on this. You're not projecting into the future, not catastrophizing, just being sensible about your daughter's need to break out on her own. Even without the specter of medicalization, many parents get anxious - will my kid be okay in another city, will she stop visiting, etc. Once you add in the threat of Planned Parenthood (a phrase I would never have thought to utter until these last couple of years!), it's hard to stay calm. That having been said, you are absolutely right that panicking now will get you nowhere. It's no different than getting on a plane. Once you're on it, what good can come of worrying about crashing? It's out of your control. And I think you have a lot of confidence in your daughter's ability to pilot the plane successfully. Just from what you've said about her, I would say she warrants that confidence. Thanks for taking us with you along the way...
I think it's a combination of this work of "letting go", knowing my faith in her is important (and a shit ton of self talk the last few years to create this faith), that she's returning to a place she knows well and where we know lots of people that she can reach out to if in trouble, having a mom who seemed to have the same faith in me when I left home, faith in Life itself and human resilience, and frankly, knowing my own sanity relies on this approach.
And I need to disclose that I'm not perfect at this! I've definitely had some moments since I wrote this up and recognize I'm now grappling somewhat again with whether I've done what I could. This is such a wild ride!
Very wild. I never could have imagined it! While I don't know everything about you, I am pretty sure you have "done what you could" to protect your daughter from the dangers that are lurking out there. She knows what you think - there is no doubt in her mind that you question this ideology, that you believe medicalization is a dangerous path, AND that you're coming from a good place (not a place of irrational prejudice and fear, or over-controlling desire to make her live a particular lifestyle). From what you've said, it seems to me tht you've also instilled as much confidence in her as possible. At this point, really, what more could you do? And, as for being imperfect at this, that goes without saying. Perfect and human do not co-exist!
And so, we let go with more bravery than all the instinct to cling to life.
You got this Jen.
❤
What a beautiful, inspirational piece. Loving your confidence in your daughter. Working hard here to have that same perspective - and faith - which is particularly difficult when the world seems to have turned to BizzaroLand in so many ways. Here's to more nuance, more exploration, more openness and especially to belief in our kids, especially knowing we have modeled for them as best we can.
Yes, more nuance, exploration, openness! We live in strange times, indeed.