Goldilocks and the Last House on the Block

what you're really giving up

(all applicant/member quotes in this post are shared with permission)

I’ve come to believe, and have recently had my suspicions confirmed by applicants to our online community, that the SMP has a bit of a reputation. That by considering membership, moms think this means they’re giving up. I think some consider our community to be that place you go only when you’ve failed at rescuing your child. It’s even been likened to a recovery program (and I’ll admit to thinking this is pretty accurate) with one applicant whom I invited to share more about her hesitations, responding with:

As they say in Alcoholic Anonymous, recovery in AA was the last house on the block.

So I think SMP may be the last house on the block for me.

While it may feel like giving up, I’d prefer to call it a surrender–to reality. I know that can seem ironic, especially if you believe I’m asking you to surrender to your child’s delusion. (Which I’m not, btw. You get to keep your opinions and behave authentically–in fact, I strongly encourage this! Though to call the identity ‘delusional’ might create some difficulty in your relationship to said child and any allied friends and relatives. )

Yet it’s true. You’ll be asked to consider giving up lots of things, but only those that are blocking your wellbeing.

Like, I’ll probably ask you to explore the benefit of giving up harsh judgments. While it might feel satisfying and meaningful to plant your flag and fight the bad guys, I can’t imagine that this is good for your heart and your relationships. If your child sees you as the enemy, that can only rip apart the fabric of the family, and I don’t think this makes any parent actually feel peaceful and content. Might it be possible to approach this a different way that allows everyone to maintain their dignity and the family bonds to remain intact?

There’s a good chance, I’ll ask you to consider where it feels like you’re beating your head against a wall. What are you doing relentlessly that isn’t changing anything (and may even be making things worse?) How much of your time is spent in infuriating frustration with external circumstances that you. just. can’t. control. no matter how hard you go at it? How convinced are you that unless these circumstances change, your state of being is stuck in despair and heartache?

I’ll ask you to consider whether you like who you’ve become. What feelings make up the majority of your experience? Are you feeling wronged, victimized, wrung out, bitter? How much time do you spend abusing yourself for the past? Does it feel like your heart is in a vice grip? Has your personality become constricted and brittle?

And I’ll likely ask you if this is how you want to feel for the rest of your life? Maybe it is? But as we all know, change is inevitable. To resist it is to dig in and put blinders on, pining for ‘the way things used to be,’ desperately clutching your anger because to let go is to allow the painful grief. It’s exhausting and drains your Life of vibrance and joy. There’s no wrong here, but if you’re choosing this, at least own it.

Yet I also recognize embracing change doesn’t come without a cost. Here’s where all the really threatening “giving-up” happens:

• What attitudes are you clinging to that are eating you from the inside out? Would you be willing to let these parts of you die?

• The righteous blame and possibly even hatred that poisons your experience and makes inner peace impossible? How would it be for you to explore what’s happening in your life from an angle that invites grace along with healthy responsibility and boundaries?

• The stone wall you’re building around your heart to keep it from feeling the sorrow of your loss? We may need to start dismantling that too, and the levies that are holding back an ocean of grief…

This is why the SMP exists. To provide a community that makes it feel even just a little safer to give up the parts of yourself that are keeping you stuck in pain instead of finding a way to move through it. It’s a place where you’ll find models of mamas who’ve begun to alchemize this experience and now move through their days with more flexibility, wisdom, and compassion.

As Dante discovered and described in his Divine Comedy, you don’t come out of hell through the same door you entered and heaven is on the other side. The only way out is through.

Once you “surrender” and join us, you might be surprised at the almost immediate shift many experience. As one new member recently shared:

What a relief to not have to be in control anymore! So many things to do and experience and enjoy in the world now that I'm not controlling it any longer!

And finding those who can help hold your pain while also encouraging the best in you, can feel like–well, as this mama says–oxygen.

I've felt like Goldilocks trying to find a community that made sense to me. This one too affirming, that one too militantly anti…I finally found a place where I don't have to fight it or fake it. I've learned more ways to let love lead and rest for a minute in the wonder, knowing that I'm surrounded by people who truly get it. It is the first place where I felt I had permission to truly care for myself, which includes re-learning to trust my gut and life experience. I'm following the bubbles looking for oxygen and it led me here. I'm not sure what will happen when I fully surface but I'm less afraid.

Photo by Pedro Ramos on Unsplash

Maybe “the last house on the block” isn’t too shabby after all? If you’d like to see for yourself, know that this is quite possibly the final reminder: we’ll be closing the doors to new members for the foreseeable future. We will relaunch down the road, but there may be more gates to pass through to find us. Maybe it will feel like no time at all, but if the waves keep knocking you down and the bubbles seem to be leading you toward us, it might be wise to come on in and catch your breath.

Any applications received before the 31st will be processed. If I’m confident we’re a match for your current needs and goals, you’ll be extended an invitation to join.

bit.ly/SMPCenter

p.s. If you applied recently but didn’t see a response from me, please check your spam folder for within 24 hours of when you turned in your application! Or send an email to stoicmom@protonmail.com and I’ll be able to reply with my response to your form submission.