"Success" is an interesting concept. It can mean financial success. Success in the sense of sustaining a loving, committed relationship. Success in finding and pursuing what one is passionate about, artistically, creatively, in ways that contribute to the well being of one's own self and others. There are so many ways to be successful, and relatively little time and energy devoted to the pursuit of what it means for any individual to define their own version of success and pursue that vision.
Self-expression is critical to anyone's well-being and growth. And right now, trans-identifying youth are being celebrated by a large segment of society for their "bravery" in "expressing their true selves". What if we channeled that energy and self-expression into creative endeavors that brought more meaning to the world? I hear about so many children who go from happy, bright, and engaged "pre-transition" to sullen, angry, withdrawn and depressed "post-transition". Talk about destabilizing. Where are the conversations about what it means to be human? About what it means to be an engaged, contributing member of the world around us? Children crave meaning about the world, to know they have a place in it, that they belong, that they matter.
Children are by nature compassionate and sensitive, some more than others of course. I think their compassion and sensitivity has been used against them. Modeling true empathy and compassion is so important. As you've said before, StoicMom, let's make being an adult attractive so our children want to grow up and don't need to find ways to infantilize themselves and avoid the real world.
Beautifully said! Thank you for taking the time to leave this thoughtful comment. How different might the world look if we had more "conversations about what it means to be human...what it means to be an engaged, contributing member of the world around us..."?
GenZ aren’t allowed the free range Boomers and the Gen Xers had. Helicopter parents don’t let their child fail.We learned persistence and resilience from trying and failing. At seven I was sent to buy my father cigarettes I didn’t have parkour lesson, but jumped from rock to rock in a neighbor’s field. I took riding lessons, and learned to jump big horses as a tiny teen. I fell only once, but got right back in the saddle. My parents would have laughed at risk management, but bought me the best helmet available locally. Playing sports taught me how to win and lose gracefully. An opposing school team had to forfeit a win because they refused to shake hands with us. School prizes taught me to succeed and try. My parents were very supportive as a teen, but I excepted to behave wisely and appropriately. When I misbehaved, my parents would lecture shout and very occasional spankings. They were neither afraid to establish boundaries and expectations, nor afraid to say no.
Your blog is great. I will subscribe soon. Have you read Maslow?
Thank you for this comment and compliment! I've not read Maslow. So much to read, so little time! ;) From a former educator/child development standpoint, I agree that the freedom to play you describe is so, so important to a healthy childhood and developing resilience. Unfortunately, there are many obstacles to such freedom today; some of them legit. When it comes to "trying and failing" I also couldn't agree more. I think this is the source of the most enduring learning. It seems common sense, yet there is strong cultural pressure to ensure "success." Our kids have become very risk-averse.
Thanks for being here and for taking time to share you thoughts!
Thanks for writing this StoicMom -- excellent points and worth a good discussion. I will join the comments once I have a chance to digest and compose some thoughts. Thank you for putting this out to the group.
A little late again coming to comment here. I totally agree with everything. Some thoughts I have on this follow. I think kids today are the opposite of risk averse. They seem to seek out risk. What could be more risky than unscientific, unnecessary medical interventions?! Not only is this risky, but it may be the only way these kids can rebel. Let's face it, our generation of parents are pretty accepting of most things. You can dress however you want, wear your hair however you want, be into whatever hobbies, major in whatever you want, become an artist, etc. You can have sex or not, and we will help you get birth control, or celebrate your teenage pregnancy. Protesting isn't even rebelling, since protesting is now totally encouraged by society (for example, schools encourage it and will give kids a day off or let them out of school early). Being gay or bisexual is totally fine. I am happy about all of this. My point is just that it's difficult to differentiate yourself from society and from your parents without declaring a trans identity. So maybe that is a strong part of why this is spreading like wildfire. But then I think to myself - just because something is rebellious, does that in itself warrant doing it, even if it's extremely detrimental to your physical and mental health? I have always said change is good, but I wouldn't do something just because it's different. Similarly, why do something just because it will shock your family? There are other, better ways of differentiating yourself from your family. But I know I'm preaching to the choir here. Anyway, your main point, that you have to live and not obsess on what your children are doing with their lives, cannot be more true. While I feel this issue is something I have to take a stand on and fight against, I will not become obsessed with it. Instead, it's one part of the things I'm doing with my life. And my day-to-day interactions with my daughter cannot be affected by this! Success is difficult to define, but, to me, it means you feel like you're life is not a waste, like you aren't using whatever gifts you have to their fullest potential, and like you have meaningful relationships with other people. If I can model those ideas, I'd be happy with that.
I'm wanting to push back a little on the risk-aversion topic. I do think adolescents are naturally attracted to stupid and risky behavior, but on this specific topic, as risky as we see it, they've grown up in a culture where we go to the doctor for just about everything. I am astonished at the number of otherwise reasonable adults who don't even flinch at the idea of healthy breast removal as a go-to intervention for "trans people". To seek medical treatment for any discomfort has been normalized and I don't believe these kids think of it as risky or detrimental to their physical and mental health. Actually, quite the opposite, since the narrative they're being fed is that these extreme interventions are necessary for good mental health. It's just what you do. No real thought necessary unless you have parents who disagree, and then voila, as you've pointed out, the perfect way to push your parents away and assert your own identity without having to do any real growing up. (Or so they believe...)
Good point! I have been thinking about society's tendency toward over-medicating and reliance on doctors' quick fixes for a loooong time (since ADHD became a thing in the 90s). That is an additional problem. Perhaps these kids don't understand the real risk involved. And they are fed the notion that it's "medically necessary" and no big deal, with euphemisms like "top surgery" and "bottom surgery." In my mind, I can't imagine anyone not realizing how very dangerous this all is, but I need to shift my perspective a bit.
I agree with your perspective, but I think a good chunk of the population just doesn't see it the same way.
I think transhumanism and the body as the final frontier are tricky topics ethically. Where's the line for when medicine has gone too far? I can't help but wish we'd return to some reverence for the human body, but how far back to we go when it comes to what doctors can do to "enhance" a person's experience based on potentially unnecessary interventions.. I guess there are plenty of people who are embracing a more whole system view of health and human wellness; I do believe the numbers of people who are making this shift (returning to this understanding?) are growing. I think this topic might be inspiring that shift for many!
Could you tell me more about "these kids"? I have a number of clients whose trans-identified children are high-functioning students, athletes, theater kids, etc. My own daughter is highly valued as a barista where she works, and just put a seriously hefty down-payment that she's been saving for months down on a car she's been researching for even longer.
From my perspective these are normal kids who've unknowingly been absorbed into the membership of a new belief system. It's the coping mechanism that was available to them. Adolescence has taken on a whole new set of scary problems, and in their very normal adolescent identity exploration, it just makes sense to try this one on. It addresses so many needs: belonging, meaning, purpose, shielding vulnerability, avoiding the male gaze (for girls), avoiding "toxic masculinity" (for boys), individuating from parents, I could go on.
That said, the fear it strikes in parents is legitimate. We can see around the corners these adolescents cannot. And when trusted adults are concretizing the identity out of their own misguided need to "affirm" then it's a precarious situation for sure! But if in that fear, we escalate the situation and drive our kids away, I think we sabotage our own intentions and end up contributing to the concretization of the identity as our kids dig in to defend it and the ideology. The more we can see how normal what our children are doing, the better able we are to navigate this with confidence and calm.
Do you think it's normal for adolescents to have a strong sense of self? It's been my understanding that identity exploration is a very normal part of adolescent development.
Thanks for being here! I definitely appreciate you sharing your thoughts!
I think there are several pathways. Some 'normal' kids just succumb, agreed. But there are subgroups which are at particular risk who have in common similar underlying issues, among them shaky sense of self, inner pain ("dysphoria"), self hate or self harm (Foster youth/ ASD kids / PTSD/Trauma kids all overrepresented, and with issues arising from early life trauma/neglect/disconnection.)
80% of Trans ID have 2+ MH diagnoses so the larger group has many more mental health vulnerabilities due to this. Mental health problems in young people are increasing generally-- more anxiety, depression, adjustment disorders, OCD, self harm. I see trans ideation in that context (eg, rise in ID is at least partially related to poorer overall mental health). I think "Trans" is very often a designated/presenting issue that names emptiness or pain that has another actual source.
And yes, sometimes it's just a rebelling kid who in a different era would be Grunge, Goth or Punk.
I do think kids used to have a stronger sense of self in general. We had more adult guidance and time, and fewer electronic babysitters/attention stealers. We had more free-range childhoods. We had to phone and talk to someone's parents on the actual phone just to talk to our friends. We networked. We cold called. We did not have computers in our pockets, but did EuRail pass trips through Europe. We discovered sex IRL, with people we knew. We were more grounded for these and other reasons.
Again, thanks for taking the time to share these thoughts. I’m curious where the 80% number is coming from? Just anecdotally, in my practice, I’m noticing the longer this belief system is around and the more widespread the adoption of the beliefs, the more “normal” kids are trying it on. Either way, I still see things somewhat differently. There is definitely the trauma pathway and this would just make sense as a coping mechanism for these kids for so many reasons.
That said, when we’re talking 2+ MH diagnoses, I still believe we’re talking about a blend of maladjustment and identity exploration. I think we can tack on trans identification to the list you provided: anxiety, depression, adjustment disorders (which, isn’t this a catchall for someone who is maladjusted as a way to get them services in the education system? Maybe I’m mistaken? It seems another way to fragilize kids to me.) ) OCD, self harm... Are we looking at the root causes of poorer overall mental health? Why are we diagnosing kids with these conditions instead of paying more attention to why there's an epidemic among adolescents of these (lifestyle) disorders? I think you're saying maybe we're doing childhood wrong? If so, I agree!!
I also think we need to be really careful communicating to these kids that they’re somehow broken and incapable of figuring out how to be an adult in the world. I still really believe we need to reclaim the human story of resilience. Kids are human. We had a different problem set back in the 80s and I’m definitely grateful I’m not growing up now, but I also wonder that I survived adolescence and young adulthood with all the stupid shit I did.
I think we've got a chicken and egg problem here, and I do believe it needs to be a conversation. I totally agree with this: 'I think "Trans" is very often a designated/presenting issue that names emptiness or pain that has another actual source.' I believe pain is a normal part of adolescence, and life in general, though of course it shouldn't be chronic. Emptiness aligns with the widespread maladjustment. I see that we have an epidemic of hopelessness, lack of meaning, etc. And it's not just the kids.
Okay, my brain's had it for the day. I'm hoping I made some sense here!
80% figure from many analyses of "co occurring" problems among people presenting to gender clinics (not every kid who says "I'm non binary" presents to a clinic, of course).
My view is that this is a darker-than-normal mental health era for kids. I think we're doing very early childhood wrong... I think group daycare for infants (c 1987) was a large hit on general child mental health and also on parent confidence and skill. A critical mass of anxious, less-relational, less regulated kids-- & placation-based parents-- have come into being; lacked dyadic care/ modeling. Kids who have had good beginnings can "catch" any anxiety that is common among their peers.
I appreciate your interest in the topic and that you’re working to change things! I know you’re on other platforms working to help people recognize the harms of gender medicine. Thank you! I think where we differ is the angle from which we’re viewing the problem. I still see this list: anxiety, depression, adjustment disorders, OCD, self-harm, trans-identities, how we’re doing early childhood (and childhood in general and adulthood) as an indictment of our culture that does not value the things that truly support human wellness.
Here at the SMP, my goal is to provide parents resources, new perspectives, and comfort so they can focus on what they have control over that may lead to better overall outcomes for their whole family. Ultimately the goal is to inspire personal healing so they can model resilience (and self-regulation) and to ensure secure attachment with all family members modeling how to be in healthy relationship. I think the first thing parents need to do is get out of fear; their children need them to be grounded in well-vetted values and to parent with confidence, not control–which arises out of fear and damages attachment.
I couldn’t agree more that we are in a “darker-than-normal mental health era” and I don’t believe it just describes the kids. Our children (and many adults) have adopted a rigid worldview that fragilizes humans; if parents can model something that feels better, their children now have options, they can choose some different, a healthier way of being in the world. Alongside the trauma pipeline is the cultural pipeline. For a huge number of us, our children are straddling two cultures, and I believe the more parents struggle to force adolescents into their own culture, the more they push their adolescents away, increasing the likelihood that as young adults, they'll choose The Church of Queer which is widespread and welcomes them with open arms and rigid rules. Also, I think if we treat our children as victims, they’ll continue to see themselves as victims (which the Church is also keen to reinforce.)
I believe all parents are just doing the best they can–as parents have always done. Capacity varies based on how they were parented, their attachment styles, their environment and economic situation, etc. How can we better support parents? The more parents see clearly how they’ve been affected by culture and get clarity around how they want to show up in the world, the more intentional they will be about how they raise their children. For now though, keeping families together and doing the generational work of personal healing is what I’m encouraging here. It’s the long game.
It would seem I’ve written another essay in response to your comments. I appreciate the opportunity to clarify some of this for my audience!
"Success" is an interesting concept. It can mean financial success. Success in the sense of sustaining a loving, committed relationship. Success in finding and pursuing what one is passionate about, artistically, creatively, in ways that contribute to the well being of one's own self and others. There are so many ways to be successful, and relatively little time and energy devoted to the pursuit of what it means for any individual to define their own version of success and pursue that vision.
Self-expression is critical to anyone's well-being and growth. And right now, trans-identifying youth are being celebrated by a large segment of society for their "bravery" in "expressing their true selves". What if we channeled that energy and self-expression into creative endeavors that brought more meaning to the world? I hear about so many children who go from happy, bright, and engaged "pre-transition" to sullen, angry, withdrawn and depressed "post-transition". Talk about destabilizing. Where are the conversations about what it means to be human? About what it means to be an engaged, contributing member of the world around us? Children crave meaning about the world, to know they have a place in it, that they belong, that they matter.
Children are by nature compassionate and sensitive, some more than others of course. I think their compassion and sensitivity has been used against them. Modeling true empathy and compassion is so important. As you've said before, StoicMom, let's make being an adult attractive so our children want to grow up and don't need to find ways to infantilize themselves and avoid the real world.
Beautifully said! Thank you for taking the time to leave this thoughtful comment. How different might the world look if we had more "conversations about what it means to be human...what it means to be an engaged, contributing member of the world around us..."?
GenZ aren’t allowed the free range Boomers and the Gen Xers had. Helicopter parents don’t let their child fail.We learned persistence and resilience from trying and failing. At seven I was sent to buy my father cigarettes I didn’t have parkour lesson, but jumped from rock to rock in a neighbor’s field. I took riding lessons, and learned to jump big horses as a tiny teen. I fell only once, but got right back in the saddle. My parents would have laughed at risk management, but bought me the best helmet available locally. Playing sports taught me how to win and lose gracefully. An opposing school team had to forfeit a win because they refused to shake hands with us. School prizes taught me to succeed and try. My parents were very supportive as a teen, but I excepted to behave wisely and appropriately. When I misbehaved, my parents would lecture shout and very occasional spankings. They were neither afraid to establish boundaries and expectations, nor afraid to say no.
Your blog is great. I will subscribe soon. Have you read Maslow?
Thank you for this comment and compliment! I've not read Maslow. So much to read, so little time! ;) From a former educator/child development standpoint, I agree that the freedom to play you describe is so, so important to a healthy childhood and developing resilience. Unfortunately, there are many obstacles to such freedom today; some of them legit. When it comes to "trying and failing" I also couldn't agree more. I think this is the source of the most enduring learning. It seems common sense, yet there is strong cultural pressure to ensure "success." Our kids have become very risk-averse.
Thanks for being here and for taking time to share you thoughts!
Thanks for writing this StoicMom -- excellent points and worth a good discussion. I will join the comments once I have a chance to digest and compose some thoughts. Thank you for putting this out to the group.
I love a good discussion! Thanks for this comment and I look forward to learning your thoughts.
A little late again coming to comment here. I totally agree with everything. Some thoughts I have on this follow. I think kids today are the opposite of risk averse. They seem to seek out risk. What could be more risky than unscientific, unnecessary medical interventions?! Not only is this risky, but it may be the only way these kids can rebel. Let's face it, our generation of parents are pretty accepting of most things. You can dress however you want, wear your hair however you want, be into whatever hobbies, major in whatever you want, become an artist, etc. You can have sex or not, and we will help you get birth control, or celebrate your teenage pregnancy. Protesting isn't even rebelling, since protesting is now totally encouraged by society (for example, schools encourage it and will give kids a day off or let them out of school early). Being gay or bisexual is totally fine. I am happy about all of this. My point is just that it's difficult to differentiate yourself from society and from your parents without declaring a trans identity. So maybe that is a strong part of why this is spreading like wildfire. But then I think to myself - just because something is rebellious, does that in itself warrant doing it, even if it's extremely detrimental to your physical and mental health? I have always said change is good, but I wouldn't do something just because it's different. Similarly, why do something just because it will shock your family? There are other, better ways of differentiating yourself from your family. But I know I'm preaching to the choir here. Anyway, your main point, that you have to live and not obsess on what your children are doing with their lives, cannot be more true. While I feel this issue is something I have to take a stand on and fight against, I will not become obsessed with it. Instead, it's one part of the things I'm doing with my life. And my day-to-day interactions with my daughter cannot be affected by this! Success is difficult to define, but, to me, it means you feel like you're life is not a waste, like you aren't using whatever gifts you have to their fullest potential, and like you have meaningful relationships with other people. If I can model those ideas, I'd be happy with that.
I'm wanting to push back a little on the risk-aversion topic. I do think adolescents are naturally attracted to stupid and risky behavior, but on this specific topic, as risky as we see it, they've grown up in a culture where we go to the doctor for just about everything. I am astonished at the number of otherwise reasonable adults who don't even flinch at the idea of healthy breast removal as a go-to intervention for "trans people". To seek medical treatment for any discomfort has been normalized and I don't believe these kids think of it as risky or detrimental to their physical and mental health. Actually, quite the opposite, since the narrative they're being fed is that these extreme interventions are necessary for good mental health. It's just what you do. No real thought necessary unless you have parents who disagree, and then voila, as you've pointed out, the perfect way to push your parents away and assert your own identity without having to do any real growing up. (Or so they believe...)
Good point! I have been thinking about society's tendency toward over-medicating and reliance on doctors' quick fixes for a loooong time (since ADHD became a thing in the 90s). That is an additional problem. Perhaps these kids don't understand the real risk involved. And they are fed the notion that it's "medically necessary" and no big deal, with euphemisms like "top surgery" and "bottom surgery." In my mind, I can't imagine anyone not realizing how very dangerous this all is, but I need to shift my perspective a bit.
I agree with your perspective, but I think a good chunk of the population just doesn't see it the same way.
I think transhumanism and the body as the final frontier are tricky topics ethically. Where's the line for when medicine has gone too far? I can't help but wish we'd return to some reverence for the human body, but how far back to we go when it comes to what doctors can do to "enhance" a person's experience based on potentially unnecessary interventions.. I guess there are plenty of people who are embracing a more whole system view of health and human wellness; I do believe the numbers of people who are making this shift (returning to this understanding?) are growing. I think this topic might be inspiring that shift for many!
I think these kids are less self regulated. Self regulation is key to feeling a sense of self.
Could you tell me more about "these kids"? I have a number of clients whose trans-identified children are high-functioning students, athletes, theater kids, etc. My own daughter is highly valued as a barista where she works, and just put a seriously hefty down-payment that she's been saving for months down on a car she's been researching for even longer.
From my perspective these are normal kids who've unknowingly been absorbed into the membership of a new belief system. It's the coping mechanism that was available to them. Adolescence has taken on a whole new set of scary problems, and in their very normal adolescent identity exploration, it just makes sense to try this one on. It addresses so many needs: belonging, meaning, purpose, shielding vulnerability, avoiding the male gaze (for girls), avoiding "toxic masculinity" (for boys), individuating from parents, I could go on.
That said, the fear it strikes in parents is legitimate. We can see around the corners these adolescents cannot. And when trusted adults are concretizing the identity out of their own misguided need to "affirm" then it's a precarious situation for sure! But if in that fear, we escalate the situation and drive our kids away, I think we sabotage our own intentions and end up contributing to the concretization of the identity as our kids dig in to defend it and the ideology. The more we can see how normal what our children are doing, the better able we are to navigate this with confidence and calm.
Do you think it's normal for adolescents to have a strong sense of self? It's been my understanding that identity exploration is a very normal part of adolescent development.
Thanks for being here! I definitely appreciate you sharing your thoughts!
I think there are several pathways. Some 'normal' kids just succumb, agreed. But there are subgroups which are at particular risk who have in common similar underlying issues, among them shaky sense of self, inner pain ("dysphoria"), self hate or self harm (Foster youth/ ASD kids / PTSD/Trauma kids all overrepresented, and with issues arising from early life trauma/neglect/disconnection.)
80% of Trans ID have 2+ MH diagnoses so the larger group has many more mental health vulnerabilities due to this. Mental health problems in young people are increasing generally-- more anxiety, depression, adjustment disorders, OCD, self harm. I see trans ideation in that context (eg, rise in ID is at least partially related to poorer overall mental health). I think "Trans" is very often a designated/presenting issue that names emptiness or pain that has another actual source.
And yes, sometimes it's just a rebelling kid who in a different era would be Grunge, Goth or Punk.
I do think kids used to have a stronger sense of self in general. We had more adult guidance and time, and fewer electronic babysitters/attention stealers. We had more free-range childhoods. We had to phone and talk to someone's parents on the actual phone just to talk to our friends. We networked. We cold called. We did not have computers in our pockets, but did EuRail pass trips through Europe. We discovered sex IRL, with people we knew. We were more grounded for these and other reasons.
Again, thanks for taking the time to share these thoughts. I’m curious where the 80% number is coming from? Just anecdotally, in my practice, I’m noticing the longer this belief system is around and the more widespread the adoption of the beliefs, the more “normal” kids are trying it on. Either way, I still see things somewhat differently. There is definitely the trauma pathway and this would just make sense as a coping mechanism for these kids for so many reasons.
That said, when we’re talking 2+ MH diagnoses, I still believe we’re talking about a blend of maladjustment and identity exploration. I think we can tack on trans identification to the list you provided: anxiety, depression, adjustment disorders (which, isn’t this a catchall for someone who is maladjusted as a way to get them services in the education system? Maybe I’m mistaken? It seems another way to fragilize kids to me.) ) OCD, self harm... Are we looking at the root causes of poorer overall mental health? Why are we diagnosing kids with these conditions instead of paying more attention to why there's an epidemic among adolescents of these (lifestyle) disorders? I think you're saying maybe we're doing childhood wrong? If so, I agree!!
I also think we need to be really careful communicating to these kids that they’re somehow broken and incapable of figuring out how to be an adult in the world. I still really believe we need to reclaim the human story of resilience. Kids are human. We had a different problem set back in the 80s and I’m definitely grateful I’m not growing up now, but I also wonder that I survived adolescence and young adulthood with all the stupid shit I did.
I think we've got a chicken and egg problem here, and I do believe it needs to be a conversation. I totally agree with this: 'I think "Trans" is very often a designated/presenting issue that names emptiness or pain that has another actual source.' I believe pain is a normal part of adolescence, and life in general, though of course it shouldn't be chronic. Emptiness aligns with the widespread maladjustment. I see that we have an epidemic of hopelessness, lack of meaning, etc. And it's not just the kids.
Okay, my brain's had it for the day. I'm hoping I made some sense here!
80% figure from many analyses of "co occurring" problems among people presenting to gender clinics (not every kid who says "I'm non binary" presents to a clinic, of course).
My view is that this is a darker-than-normal mental health era for kids. I think we're doing very early childhood wrong... I think group daycare for infants (c 1987) was a large hit on general child mental health and also on parent confidence and skill. A critical mass of anxious, less-relational, less regulated kids-- & placation-based parents-- have come into being; lacked dyadic care/ modeling. Kids who have had good beginnings can "catch" any anxiety that is common among their peers.
I appreciate your interest in the topic and that you’re working to change things! I know you’re on other platforms working to help people recognize the harms of gender medicine. Thank you! I think where we differ is the angle from which we’re viewing the problem. I still see this list: anxiety, depression, adjustment disorders, OCD, self-harm, trans-identities, how we’re doing early childhood (and childhood in general and adulthood) as an indictment of our culture that does not value the things that truly support human wellness.
Here at the SMP, my goal is to provide parents resources, new perspectives, and comfort so they can focus on what they have control over that may lead to better overall outcomes for their whole family. Ultimately the goal is to inspire personal healing so they can model resilience (and self-regulation) and to ensure secure attachment with all family members modeling how to be in healthy relationship. I think the first thing parents need to do is get out of fear; their children need them to be grounded in well-vetted values and to parent with confidence, not control–which arises out of fear and damages attachment.
I couldn’t agree more that we are in a “darker-than-normal mental health era” and I don’t believe it just describes the kids. Our children (and many adults) have adopted a rigid worldview that fragilizes humans; if parents can model something that feels better, their children now have options, they can choose some different, a healthier way of being in the world. Alongside the trauma pipeline is the cultural pipeline. For a huge number of us, our children are straddling two cultures, and I believe the more parents struggle to force adolescents into their own culture, the more they push their adolescents away, increasing the likelihood that as young adults, they'll choose The Church of Queer which is widespread and welcomes them with open arms and rigid rules. Also, I think if we treat our children as victims, they’ll continue to see themselves as victims (which the Church is also keen to reinforce.)
I believe all parents are just doing the best they can–as parents have always done. Capacity varies based on how they were parented, their attachment styles, their environment and economic situation, etc. How can we better support parents? The more parents see clearly how they’ve been affected by culture and get clarity around how they want to show up in the world, the more intentional they will be about how they raise their children. For now though, keeping families together and doing the generational work of personal healing is what I’m encouraging here. It’s the long game.
It would seem I’ve written another essay in response to your comments. I appreciate the opportunity to clarify some of this for my audience!