So, I’ve had this title in mind for this piece, but have to admit to being quite stunned to discover this description (among other by various researchers) of “self-fulfilling prophecy” from Science Direct:
I love this post! I tell my kids all the time to watch what they think and say because they are making it more likely to come true, ie a self-fulfilling prophecy. And what's most fascinating is it's based in biology. The Reticular Activating System is a part of the brain that is always on the lookout for what we are thinking about and therefore paying attention to. Energy flows where attention goes. Ever notice how you start to see a particular kind of car everywhere when you think of buying that particular car? The cars were there all along, but now that you are contemplating buying that car, your RAS is on alert to point them out to you. Same thing in every other aspect of life. Problem is, saying you *don't* want some particular outcome or other is shining a spotlight on that very thing and the RAS doesn't understand "no". it just goes full steam ahead to give you what you are thinking about, even when you are thinking about what you don't want. Humans are funny.
Yes, we need to mind our filters and consciously keep them in good shape because they will determine how we experience external circumstances over which we have no control. (We don't decide how many of those particular cars are on the road, but we can choose how to relate to them once we become aware of them.) Thanks for sharing this biological explanation of why "what we focus on expands"!
I am not sure how I apply this. My young adult wants me to pay for many surgeries. The ideal would be that if they have to do this they earn and pay and are in control of their own future, but they do not have the capacity to work due to their autism. So if I Iet go of trying to influence and believe in them and their capability to make the decisions that are best for them I pay for surgeries? I really hate the fact that my decisions will control their outcomes because I do not want the responsibility as I simply do not know what is best for them.
But there in you have a story of your expectations for your child "they do not have the capacity to work due to their autism". There are plenty of autistic people, even severely afflicted, who have gainful employment. Perhaps there is the place to start to retelling your narrative which will then be reflected in your young adult's understanding of their capacity.
I guess my expectation are governed by their professionals. I must admit it was with shock I read the psychiatrists view that only 8 hours work per week was reasonable. Possibly 15 longer term as long as they were supported in it by a support worker. I had held higher expectations (late autism diagnosis at age 20) and it’s those expectations which may have contributed to some of their issues as for many years they did not receive the support they needed and silently struggled. I am having to downgrade my expectations to be fair to them.
I see where you are coming from. But sometimes those professionals get it wrong too. If your child did not get diagnosed until age 20, certainly they were able to make their way in the world somewhat (although likely with some struggle), enough to be capable of more than 8 hours of productive work a week. I am connected with several moms whose children had a late diagnosis (late teens to early adulthood), and the one thing that is consistent among them is that after the diagnosis the young adult's social skills got worse. It was as if they were given permission not to mask anymore. Even for school aged kids (my own included), once they get/learn the diagnosis, it's not uncommon to hear them say "I can't do that, I'm autistic". If I had bought into that belief, my child would have continued to make their way in the world using their diagnosis as an excuse to avoid doing the hard things that might not come easy. Which actually confirms the point of this article that how we relate to each other can become a self-fulling prophecy.
But I do want to affirm the challenge that you have as a parent of a neurodiverse young adult. It is difficult to find the balance between providing the support a young adult needs to move towards independence and doing too much for them that doesn't allow growth. The situation you're in being pressured into regarding paying for surgeries is a perfect example of this. I would turn to Lisa Marchiano's point-of-view which I'll paraphrase here: "Making a decision for permanent body modifications is an adult decision. Adults don't live in their parents home and rely on them for financial support. Once you are living as an adult, you can make these decisions for yourself, but I will not pay for them." Ann, if you connect with Lisa's viewpoint, then your choice is clear. Your child is not capable of self support, thus they are not capable of adult decisions. You do not need to make those decisions for them (or pay for them) because, as you point out, you can't possibly know that is the right thing for them.
Thank you for discussing. I feel tortured in a way, I do not want the responsibility of deciding whether to fund and I really wish we were not in this whole situation. You are correct adults do not generally live at home and require financial support, but if someone is unable to earn enough money due to disabilities they were born with then is that not inequitable and equity should be facilitated, eg providing a stool to the child who is shorter than the rest so they too can see over the fence? As you see I torture myself trying to work out the right course of action. I totally agree with you that diagnoses can provide a self fulfilling label. I am puzzled by a few capability declines but they do get genuinely overwhelmed and stressed out by thinks that did not do so when they were much younger…and that so very puzzling to me. Varies theories have been out forward by professionals such as autistic burnout, insufficient executive functioning skills to cope with adult life etc. I have always had expectations of what they can do but it has not been fulfilled. Sorry for the ramble and thank you so much for taking the time to comment.
Ann, You're welcome to ramble in here; moms in this circumstance have few places to turn for healthy support, and I want this to be one of them. It seems EcoMom has encouraged some ways of looking at your circumstance that have resonated for you. I would also ask how you're resourcing yourself to help you feel stable and grounded? I think we live in a world that is working on us from a very young age to diminish our intuition and trust in ourselves. This particular circumstance is like the final, devastating blow to our sense of agency, and I think it's incredibly important to regain a sense of our own capacity to direct our lives and know what's best for ourselves. I think your adult child would benefit from you finding your way back to yourself. I hope this makes some sense?
Thank you for your response. I am not resourcing myself, my time is spent worrying about how to do what’s best for my young adult and trying to deal with the fact my instincts are different to the professional advice ( that concerns me a lot, there is a conflict going on within me) and trying to help my husband deal with this, because both kids now trans identify, but the other one does have their executive functioning and is self sufficient. But it’s a shock. So there is no time for me. And I know you will say make time for me, will it give me the answers though? Sorry, I am very lost in this
I love this post! I tell my kids all the time to watch what they think and say because they are making it more likely to come true, ie a self-fulfilling prophecy. And what's most fascinating is it's based in biology. The Reticular Activating System is a part of the brain that is always on the lookout for what we are thinking about and therefore paying attention to. Energy flows where attention goes. Ever notice how you start to see a particular kind of car everywhere when you think of buying that particular car? The cars were there all along, but now that you are contemplating buying that car, your RAS is on alert to point them out to you. Same thing in every other aspect of life. Problem is, saying you *don't* want some particular outcome or other is shining a spotlight on that very thing and the RAS doesn't understand "no". it just goes full steam ahead to give you what you are thinking about, even when you are thinking about what you don't want. Humans are funny.
Yes, we need to mind our filters and consciously keep them in good shape because they will determine how we experience external circumstances over which we have no control. (We don't decide how many of those particular cars are on the road, but we can choose how to relate to them once we become aware of them.) Thanks for sharing this biological explanation of why "what we focus on expands"!
I am not sure how I apply this. My young adult wants me to pay for many surgeries. The ideal would be that if they have to do this they earn and pay and are in control of their own future, but they do not have the capacity to work due to their autism. So if I Iet go of trying to influence and believe in them and their capability to make the decisions that are best for them I pay for surgeries? I really hate the fact that my decisions will control their outcomes because I do not want the responsibility as I simply do not know what is best for them.
But there in you have a story of your expectations for your child "they do not have the capacity to work due to their autism". There are plenty of autistic people, even severely afflicted, who have gainful employment. Perhaps there is the place to start to retelling your narrative which will then be reflected in your young adult's understanding of their capacity.
I guess my expectation are governed by their professionals. I must admit it was with shock I read the psychiatrists view that only 8 hours work per week was reasonable. Possibly 15 longer term as long as they were supported in it by a support worker. I had held higher expectations (late autism diagnosis at age 20) and it’s those expectations which may have contributed to some of their issues as for many years they did not receive the support they needed and silently struggled. I am having to downgrade my expectations to be fair to them.
I see where you are coming from. But sometimes those professionals get it wrong too. If your child did not get diagnosed until age 20, certainly they were able to make their way in the world somewhat (although likely with some struggle), enough to be capable of more than 8 hours of productive work a week. I am connected with several moms whose children had a late diagnosis (late teens to early adulthood), and the one thing that is consistent among them is that after the diagnosis the young adult's social skills got worse. It was as if they were given permission not to mask anymore. Even for school aged kids (my own included), once they get/learn the diagnosis, it's not uncommon to hear them say "I can't do that, I'm autistic". If I had bought into that belief, my child would have continued to make their way in the world using their diagnosis as an excuse to avoid doing the hard things that might not come easy. Which actually confirms the point of this article that how we relate to each other can become a self-fulling prophecy.
But I do want to affirm the challenge that you have as a parent of a neurodiverse young adult. It is difficult to find the balance between providing the support a young adult needs to move towards independence and doing too much for them that doesn't allow growth. The situation you're in being pressured into regarding paying for surgeries is a perfect example of this. I would turn to Lisa Marchiano's point-of-view which I'll paraphrase here: "Making a decision for permanent body modifications is an adult decision. Adults don't live in their parents home and rely on them for financial support. Once you are living as an adult, you can make these decisions for yourself, but I will not pay for them." Ann, if you connect with Lisa's viewpoint, then your choice is clear. Your child is not capable of self support, thus they are not capable of adult decisions. You do not need to make those decisions for them (or pay for them) because, as you point out, you can't possibly know that is the right thing for them.
Thank you for discussing. I feel tortured in a way, I do not want the responsibility of deciding whether to fund and I really wish we were not in this whole situation. You are correct adults do not generally live at home and require financial support, but if someone is unable to earn enough money due to disabilities they were born with then is that not inequitable and equity should be facilitated, eg providing a stool to the child who is shorter than the rest so they too can see over the fence? As you see I torture myself trying to work out the right course of action. I totally agree with you that diagnoses can provide a self fulfilling label. I am puzzled by a few capability declines but they do get genuinely overwhelmed and stressed out by thinks that did not do so when they were much younger…and that so very puzzling to me. Varies theories have been out forward by professionals such as autistic burnout, insufficient executive functioning skills to cope with adult life etc. I have always had expectations of what they can do but it has not been fulfilled. Sorry for the ramble and thank you so much for taking the time to comment.
Ann, You're welcome to ramble in here; moms in this circumstance have few places to turn for healthy support, and I want this to be one of them. It seems EcoMom has encouraged some ways of looking at your circumstance that have resonated for you. I would also ask how you're resourcing yourself to help you feel stable and grounded? I think we live in a world that is working on us from a very young age to diminish our intuition and trust in ourselves. This particular circumstance is like the final, devastating blow to our sense of agency, and I think it's incredibly important to regain a sense of our own capacity to direct our lives and know what's best for ourselves. I think your adult child would benefit from you finding your way back to yourself. I hope this makes some sense?
Thank you for your response. I am not resourcing myself, my time is spent worrying about how to do what’s best for my young adult and trying to deal with the fact my instincts are different to the professional advice ( that concerns me a lot, there is a conflict going on within me) and trying to help my husband deal with this, because both kids now trans identify, but the other one does have their executive functioning and is self sufficient. But it’s a shock. So there is no time for me. And I know you will say make time for me, will it give me the answers though? Sorry, I am very lost in this