Thank you Stoic Mom. I really need this reminder right now.
Sometimes I convince myself that I’ve put down this weight I’ve been carrying - the fear and anger and resentment. But it’s still there. In my pockets. Next to my skin. Heavy and weighing me down. I’m so tired of carrying all this around, but scared to put it down, too.
My child is 18 and has left our home country to live across the world with another trans person of a similar age.
Although I’m devastated and very scared for his wellbeing I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is his decision. I have no control even though I know he’s making a mistake, he’s heavily online influenced as well as autistic. I can only think good thoughts and keep on supportive (but not affirming) contact.
This situation has nigh on destroyed the relationships that I have with my own family but my child will always come first.
I have a lot of mum guilt that I should have shown him different sources / tried to influence more / taken him offline but I can’t change the past. I can only look forward to a future with my son finding the person he really is whoever that may be.
Hey there. Thanks for sharing; I know how painful this can be. I find myself wanting to repeat what I said in my response to Sad_Mom, "You couldn't have stopped this, or you would have." It might also be helpful to read "Making Sense" in the SMP Archives for my thoughts on just how much is stacked against parents these days. I hope you are working to let go of the guilt over something so beyond your control.
I had a conversation in my class with a trans identifying female freshman (hs) and I enjoyed how curious I was about what she thought about our Governor vetoing the SAFE Act (she brought it up and was excited). It dawned on me that she really believed policies like this were trying to erase her existence. She let me ask questions (my daughter will not) but again, I noticed how not triggered I was!
We can "know" how we want to be with our children but until we get our emotions/body language to line up, they will mirror that tension and inauthenticity like you said. It takes a lot of work to actually "get there" and be not rocked by their choices - just appreciate every second of relationship you get with them. Mine turns 18 soon...
"I enjoyed how curious I was..." Seems you were able to learn some new things in your curious state--both about the girl's experience and your own. I think judgment tends to shut down the learning function. Now you know what that curiosity feels like it might be easier to tap into it with your own child. It's certainly more challenging when it's these beings we consider extensions of ourselves...that kind of gets us back to responsibility, huh? ;)
As you pointed out, you know the curiosity is working when the tension and inauthenticity aren't present in the conversation!
Honestly, at this point, I don’t even know if it’s fear. I don’t know how to describe it. I’m scared that she’s go full tilt on surgery and hormones, for sure. But it’s the anger, that the whole world has just gone along with this terrible thing.
It’s like, I want to go down fighting. With my boots on. But this is really killing me.
Hmm. So many questions come to mind. "I want to go down fighting." This sounds like maybe it's part of your identity. Who would you be if you let it go? I'd also ask you to consider whether you want your daughter to go down fighting? (That parallel experience/mirroring thing...) If this kills you, what is the impact on your children? Again, no need to answer here, but maybe these questions can give you some clarity.
I’m still thinking about this today. I think it’s more like I’m punishing myself for not protecting my kid, my family from this. I let this monster come and swallow her up.
I don’t want to let anything else catch me by surprise.
This is an amazing insight! Now that it's in your conscious awareness, you can give some thought as to whether the toll it's taking on you is worth it and whether it's even working to give you the control you're seeking. I think one major gift in the box of darkness here ;) is the shattering of the illusion of control. You couldn't have stopped this, or you would have.
"I know for myself, I also thought my young children’s happiness was my responsibility, and I likely didn’t support my kids to experience difficult or uncomfortable feelings in a healthy way." - I am so curious about this <3
I think our culture has labeled uncomfortable emotions as "bad" and therefore to be avoided. I know when my kids were little, if they were sad or angry, I often felt it was my job to "fix" whatever was making them feel this way rather than helping them learn to use their emotions as information.
I'm learning so much about this right now and how to better work with our emotions. I'm inclined to be more of a thinker, with more cognitive empathy--so it can really be a challenge for me to switch modes and tune into the feeling. Thanks for the encouragement...I can certainly envision writing more about how to relate to our emotions (and those of our children) in the future! ;)
From my perspective, the most important thing we can do as moms it to increase our own capacity for experiencing uncomfortable, even painful emotions. It's in this way we can provide a container for our children's very human messiness (that our culture doesn't tolerate well. It's little wonder that we as moms often want to just "fix it.") This is something I'm currently training in and offering to my clients. It can be uncomfortable work, but has the power to transform your experience, bringing you the equanimity needed to model--I don't even like to call it self-regulation, because this isn't about control--how to develop our capacity for feeling difficult things, recognizing our emotions as information and learning to interpret them in a productive way.
That said, there is a free MBSR (mindfulness based stress reduction) course offered online by Palouse Mindfulness. (We have peer-led groups running in our online community, supporting each other to move through the free content.) This course has curated some really helpful resources, yet I still think we all need to do our shadow work to truly attain the equanimity that would most benefit ourselves and our children. It can be really tricky to tackle shadow work on your own--your ego really doesn't want you to go there...
Thank you Stoic Mom. I really need this reminder right now.
Sometimes I convince myself that I’ve put down this weight I’ve been carrying - the fear and anger and resentment. But it’s still there. In my pockets. Next to my skin. Heavy and weighing me down. I’m so tired of carrying all this around, but scared to put it down, too.
What scares you about putting it down? No need to answer that here, but I think it's a really important question that might yield some insight.
My child is 18 and has left our home country to live across the world with another trans person of a similar age.
Although I’m devastated and very scared for his wellbeing I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is his decision. I have no control even though I know he’s making a mistake, he’s heavily online influenced as well as autistic. I can only think good thoughts and keep on supportive (but not affirming) contact.
This situation has nigh on destroyed the relationships that I have with my own family but my child will always come first.
I have a lot of mum guilt that I should have shown him different sources / tried to influence more / taken him offline but I can’t change the past. I can only look forward to a future with my son finding the person he really is whoever that may be.
Hey there. Thanks for sharing; I know how painful this can be. I find myself wanting to repeat what I said in my response to Sad_Mom, "You couldn't have stopped this, or you would have." It might also be helpful to read "Making Sense" in the SMP Archives for my thoughts on just how much is stacked against parents these days. I hope you are working to let go of the guilt over something so beyond your control.
I appreciate you so much. :-)
I had a conversation in my class with a trans identifying female freshman (hs) and I enjoyed how curious I was about what she thought about our Governor vetoing the SAFE Act (she brought it up and was excited). It dawned on me that she really believed policies like this were trying to erase her existence. She let me ask questions (my daughter will not) but again, I noticed how not triggered I was!
We can "know" how we want to be with our children but until we get our emotions/body language to line up, they will mirror that tension and inauthenticity like you said. It takes a lot of work to actually "get there" and be not rocked by their choices - just appreciate every second of relationship you get with them. Mine turns 18 soon...
"I enjoyed how curious I was..." Seems you were able to learn some new things in your curious state--both about the girl's experience and your own. I think judgment tends to shut down the learning function. Now you know what that curiosity feels like it might be easier to tap into it with your own child. It's certainly more challenging when it's these beings we consider extensions of ourselves...that kind of gets us back to responsibility, huh? ;)
As you pointed out, you know the curiosity is working when the tension and inauthenticity aren't present in the conversation!
Honestly, at this point, I don’t even know if it’s fear. I don’t know how to describe it. I’m scared that she’s go full tilt on surgery and hormones, for sure. But it’s the anger, that the whole world has just gone along with this terrible thing.
It’s like, I want to go down fighting. With my boots on. But this is really killing me.
Hmm. So many questions come to mind. "I want to go down fighting." This sounds like maybe it's part of your identity. Who would you be if you let it go? I'd also ask you to consider whether you want your daughter to go down fighting? (That parallel experience/mirroring thing...) If this kills you, what is the impact on your children? Again, no need to answer here, but maybe these questions can give you some clarity.
I’m still thinking about this today. I think it’s more like I’m punishing myself for not protecting my kid, my family from this. I let this monster come and swallow her up.
I don’t want to let anything else catch me by surprise.
This is an amazing insight! Now that it's in your conscious awareness, you can give some thought as to whether the toll it's taking on you is worth it and whether it's even working to give you the control you're seeking. I think one major gift in the box of darkness here ;) is the shattering of the illusion of control. You couldn't have stopped this, or you would have.
"I know for myself, I also thought my young children’s happiness was my responsibility, and I likely didn’t support my kids to experience difficult or uncomfortable feelings in a healthy way." - I am so curious about this <3
I think our culture has labeled uncomfortable emotions as "bad" and therefore to be avoided. I know when my kids were little, if they were sad or angry, I often felt it was my job to "fix" whatever was making them feel this way rather than helping them learn to use their emotions as information.
i love this, i feel you will write more about this topic <3
I'm learning so much about this right now and how to better work with our emotions. I'm inclined to be more of a thinker, with more cognitive empathy--so it can really be a challenge for me to switch modes and tune into the feeling. Thanks for the encouragement...I can certainly envision writing more about how to relate to our emotions (and those of our children) in the future! ;)
i would loooove to know more about this topic! if you have a reading recommendation feel free to share <3
From my perspective, the most important thing we can do as moms it to increase our own capacity for experiencing uncomfortable, even painful emotions. It's in this way we can provide a container for our children's very human messiness (that our culture doesn't tolerate well. It's little wonder that we as moms often want to just "fix it.") This is something I'm currently training in and offering to my clients. It can be uncomfortable work, but has the power to transform your experience, bringing you the equanimity needed to model--I don't even like to call it self-regulation, because this isn't about control--how to develop our capacity for feeling difficult things, recognizing our emotions as information and learning to interpret them in a productive way.
That said, there is a free MBSR (mindfulness based stress reduction) course offered online by Palouse Mindfulness. (We have peer-led groups running in our online community, supporting each other to move through the free content.) This course has curated some really helpful resources, yet I still think we all need to do our shadow work to truly attain the equanimity that would most benefit ourselves and our children. It can be really tricky to tackle shadow work on your own--your ego really doesn't want you to go there...
and thank you so much for the info on further recources 🙏
thank you so much for your deepy insigtful reply, I will think hard about this ❤️
Excellent reminders! The boost I needed. TYSM
I'm so glad it resonated! Thanks for taking the time to comment. <3