I’ve written about this a few ways in the past, but I think it’s time to revisit something.
In my experience of working with many moms of trans-identified kids, I’d say the most difficult and common block to a sense of grounded wellbeing that I encounter is the self-judgment. The idea that we f-ed something up and that’s why our kids are trans-identified, along with the daily pile-on of guilt when we haven’t managed to rescue them from what feels like a bullet train speeding toward devastation.
So, let’s try a little thought experiment:
How different would this be for you if you saw your child’s adoption of a trans-identity as a normal human experience?
Now bear with me here…
This does not mean that you need to approve of the identity or that the coinciding medical procedures are any less dangerous.
It just means that this is such a common occurrence in the zeitgeist that it doesn’t say anything negative or even special about you or your parenting or your family or your kid.
It certainly speaks of a unique parenting experience–and we can all attest to the particular difficulties of navigating the world when we’re out of alignment with a predominant worldview that threatens our child’s physical health and frays the attachment, making it just that much harder to fulfill our parenting tasks.
(And btw, who would have signed up for this parenting gig anyway if we’d known that down the road, it would hurt so badly that we’d legitimately wonder how we’ll survive it with our sanity and our families intact?)
But–back to that original thought experiment–what would look different for you if you weren’t locked into a mindset that computes this as cause and effect and expects life to dole out to us what we deserve? What if it just doesn’t work this way?
How would it change your experience if you could tackle this without the sense of guilt or even the responsibility for ensuring your child escapes unscathed? Of course we’ll still wish for this and care deeply about the quality of our child’s experience–please don’t misunderstand me here. This isn’t about detaching from your responsibilities as a parent, but maybe we’re a little mixed up about this, and just what is ours–and what isn’t.
What if you knew in your bones that this was too big for you, and it always has been. Would the burden of the outcome still feel like it’s yours to bear?
I hate to break this to you, but in case you haven’t noticed, you and me and our kids? We’re all just puny humans grappling with forces beyond what we’re even able to comprehend.
And some of them are just–well, they’re just normal. Parenting is hard AF and really sucks sometimes. Being a teenager is really hard today and sucks most of the time for most kids. Growing up has become so hard and confusing and increasingly more threatening–it would seem at least.
So seriously, what if trans-identity =/= pathology?
Now, I know some of you are saying to yourselves (or screaming at the screen), “but the medicalization of a trans-identity most certainly = pathology.” Yes, I get this. I’m not saying that medicalizing a trans-identity does not harm healthy bodies; it does.
What I want you to play with is how different your emotional experience would be if you knew, deeply knew, that what your child is going through is–in today’s world at least–a normal human experience.
Would you see him or her differently? Would you see yourself differently? Would you still be on the vigilance roller coaster that determines how much cortisol is coursing through your veins as a result of what you make of your child’s life on any given day? Driven to redeem yourself because this is somehow on you and a reflection of all your parenting mistakes?
What changes for you if you allow yourself to just be human? To recognize that you’ll do your best, of course you will! And so often our best doesn’t change the external circumstances.
It’s just a thought experiment. Maybe play with it a little.
For me, I know once I accepted that I’m just a puny human, it was an enormous relief. It allowed me to chill out–which hugely benefited the relationship with my kid. I was finally able to see through the haze of fear and anger and guilt to recognize my daughter as a separate being moving through some normal human experiences. Just a normal teenager navigating coming of age in a confused and scary world.
I could then let go of what I thought I needed from her, to focus on what she really needed from me. To recognize my vision had been distorted by how I’d judged this identity and the resulting projections that were reflecting back my own painful baggage, allowed me to begin to see her in all her wondrous humanness. Just doing her best, like all of us are.
I had to recognize this wasn’t personal. She wasn’t doing this to me, she was just doing what teenagers do–which is whatever they must to adapt to the world around them. When they feel they’re failing at that, then what do our kids need from us? I believe our faith in them is way more supportive than our worry.
If you could turn down the worry, and turn up the faith, would that benefit you? Your child? Maybe note the stories and feelings that come up when you play with this. Can you access it? Does it feel any better? Do you believe it’s okay for you to feel a little better while your kid still TIs? If not, that’s a good indicator that you’re pathologizing your child’s experience. Maybe that’s important to you? If so, why?
Thought experiments. Sometimes helpful. If they create a shift in the right direction, they can be downright transformational. <wink>
also p.s. Usually it takes puny humans many, many thought experiments and playing around with perspectives for shifts to happen, so if you’re getting nothing with this one, please don’t add that to your reasons to beat yourself up. Just keep showing up and have faith in your own wondrous humanness.
p.p.s. If you missed yesterday’s (Tuesday, 2/25) email about my exciting surprise reveal happening over at The Parenting Paradox, you still have a little time to get in on it. I’ll be sending it via email only to TPP subscribers, so hurry and get on that list!
Great experiment. I think this is at least partly true. That is, because society has gone mad on this issue (and many more), it is not "crazy" for a kid, teen or young adult to adopt the lies being spread through every major institution of society, and through their peer group. In that sense, we can look at this as a choice our kids have made, with which we vehemently disagree, but which is not completely out of left field from their point of view.
On the other hand, this is not "normal" because it is, as you have said before, a symptom of a sick society - although we as "puny humans" could hardly be expected to control this sick society.
Also, for the most part, only vulnerable young people (vulnerable for many reasons) will adopt this particular set of beliefs, so we do have to consider that we have vulnerable kids. The guilt can be that we somehow couldn't prevent our kids from such vulnerability. To the extent that some kids do this and are not vulnerable, but just find it somehow helpful, that could be an exception. However, while I think some "non-vulnerable" young people might adopt this bizarre set of beliefs and use it for some neutral or even positive purposes, I would be hard-pressed to believe that any "non-vulnerable" young person would go so far as to medicalize. If a young person gets to that point (as mine has), I think the vulnerability is undeniable. So, while adoption of the illogical, harmful belief system and follow through with the harmful medical interventions may be "normal" for vulnerable young people, I still have to deal with the guilt of not preventing my child from being vulnerable.
The question then becomes: could I have prevented the vulnerabilities? Did I do something or not do something that could have strengthened my daughter's character and prevented her from adopting the harmful belief system and seeking out the harmful medical interventions that belief system endorses?
New thought experiment: What if some people are inherently vulnerable, and your child is one of them? What if your child then adopted a belief system that, wholly outside of your control, was fully endorsed by society and her peers? Since you had no control over the vulnerability or the spreading of the belief system, can you accept that there was nothing you could have done about this? And does that give you any comfort?
Thank you. This definitely gives a fresh perspective on our parenting experience. As a parent of desisted teens, I think it may be easier for me to engage in this thought experiment. I imagine for those who have kids that have medically transitioned and/or gone no-contact it's much, much harder. Would that pain supercede every attempt to engage in the experiment? It hopefully could alleviate some of the mother-guilt we all carry, no matter what your kids are going through. I can see how this translates to other things our kids might experience today...Social Media, fentanyl/drugs, and other signs of these times. Food for thought. 🙏