Mostly Fine

reflections along the way

Updates about my daughter tend to be the most popular of my articles. Of course, this makes sense. It’s likely why you’re here–to compare what’s happening in your family with what’s happening in someone else’s–someone who is also going through this oh-so-strange parenting experience. 

If you’ve been following along, you know my daughter now lives an 8-hour drive away from us, having returned to the city we moved away from just after her 16th birthday. I talk about how that went for us in Pivotal Moments and a bit in Coming Home (both republished on PITT at what now seems like ages ago…) 

She’s not in college and currently has no intention of adding more formal education to her life, at least any time soon; and at least according to the last conversation we had about this which I wouldn’t be able to pinpoint. She’s been pretty clear about this for years now. Mind you, not only am I fine with this decision, I support it completely. 

My stance on college–and frankly any formal education–is this (and I don’t expect anyone else to adopt it): be clear on what you want from the experience, and do your research. Make sure the institution you plan to attend aligns with your values or will tolerate different views; will provide you the skills and knowledge you’ve selected it for; will inspire you to get the most out of the experience; and if there’s a cost involved, know how you’ll pay for it without acquiring debt. I figured out this was my position due to my own experiences with formal education–as a teacher, as a student, and as a parent. I found these to be painful lessons, but they brought much clarity. 

I also believe there are many paths to a satisfying and meaningful life and many ways to educate oneself to achieve such a life. I believe we are each the project of a lifetime, and embarking on a formal education experience before you’re fully ready for it is often an expensive diversion at best–though there will be lessons learned for sure. Because we’re human–and humans are learners. We’re always learning, so I believe a productive question to assess whether the current environment is working for you or your child is, “What am I (or What is my child) learning right now about the world and who I am (he/she is) in it?” 

But you’re not likely reading this one for more of Stoicmom’s philosophy, you’re here for the update. So back to my daughter: 

A couple weeks ago she was involved in a car wreck. I don’t know how many times she’s told me the statistic that new drivers are nearly always involved in an accident within the first year of becoming a licensed driver. She made it two plus years, so I guess that’s a win? 

I did that thing to you just now. That thing my husband did when he told me. I started with the wreck and left you hanging about how she fared. My kid did not do that thing when she called her dad. She started with, “I’m fine, but…” 

So, you may have noticed that she didn’t call me, she called her dad. Since she’s left, her dad has been her go-to when she needs some support. In fact, I don’t believe she’s initiated any communication with me since she moved. As the one who worked so hard to ensure our relationship was such that she could always come to me, you might imagine this hurts a bit. 

And the part of me that I sometimes refer to as “the petty part” is indeed quite hurt. In fact, she’s downright jealous, even angry about it. This seems incredibly unfair considering my daughter and her dad hardly had any relationship for much of her adolescence, and Mom was the one who was almost solely focused on keeping her family as healthy and whole as possible as we navigated the treacherous waters of conflicting values while Dad protected himself by emotionally distancing from the situation and his kid. 

Then another, calmer part of me who thinks “petty” is not very gentle and in fact quite judgy, knows to be grateful that our girl stays connected to us regardless of how she chooses to do it. This part is comforted to know that our daughter and her father seem to have mended their differences, have found a new way to be in relationship, and the kid knows he’s always going to have her back. 

This more grounded part of me is the same part that sees my kid is highly engaged in her life right now, and to call me is to commit to a conversation that will consume precious minutes of her time off from work at a job where she puts in way more hours than she’s had to give to anything in the past. This part notices that she always responds to my texts and returns my calls. This part can remember how little my family was on my mind way back when, that first time I lived far away and was developing strategies for how to get by as an adult in the world. (I had some pretty poor strategies there for awhile. My kid’s already got better skills!)

Yet, that hurt part still needs space to feel her feelings and express her pain. My husband now goodnaturedly listens to the snide remarks that this part seems compelled to mutter under her breath. Then I laugh at this part and remind me that we’re doing pretty okay, and I fantasize about what Life will be like when adulting is no longer new for her; when she’s clearly established herself in the world as a being separate from her family and it feels less threatening to acknowledge how much we matter to her. This part of me also takes care to manage those expectations of the fantasy. (I’m thinking the topic of fantasy/expectations/disappointment might warrant a full article here soon.)  

Oh, I’m realizing I never gave an update of the visit! It was lovely to see her, and she proudly shared aspects of her life.  We spoiled her as much as she would let us but also consciously avoided being too demanding of her time and attention. There were weird moments for sure, but they were mostly brought about by these new personalities who are currently embedded in the family: my children’s romantic partners. My favorite moment was when both my kids ended up in our hotel room late one night, sans partners (they might have been waiting in my daughter’s pickup in the hotel parking lot) but with our friends from California–they settled in and hung out for a bit, we laughed a lot and even got a silly picture of the six of us. Like old times and what a treasure! 

My mom was also recently there in the area.  She’d been visiting her sister–my aunt–who lives about an hour and a half away, and the nearest airport is in the city where my daughter resides. Remember that cousin I stayed with when helping my daughter move? My mother and aunt also stayed with this cousin the night before my mom was to fly home, and they invited my daughter to go out to dinner with them and another cousin. (For clarity’s sake: my mom’s sister has two daughters who live in the city where my daughter lives.) I wasn’t sure she’d accept the invitation (she hadn’t seen my aunt and cousins in some time–certainly not since the face piercings,) but the next day I was texted more treasured photos of my daughter and her grandma, and even one of her among all four of these women representing older generations of our family. She’s smiling happily in them all. My mom said, “everyone loves her!” 

She’s certainly getting an education in finance these days, learning that city life on a cashier’s wages is challenging. Luckily, she gets a bit of an allowance at the grocery store where she works and both her roommates are in food service, so no one is starving. I’ve offered to help her with budgeting but she’s not interested, and I’m pretty sure she’ll figure it out. 

As for her car–her treasured Toyota Tacoma–it didn’t survive the accident. We recently learned that it was declared a total loss and there was nervousness about what the insurance company would cover on this vehicle that was the same age as she is. She’d paid a hefty down payment–a third of the purchase price–to the dealership. I was shocked to learn that the insurance company is cutting a check for the market value which is actually higher than the original sticker price. Having discovered what a financial strain it is to have a car payment right now, she’s decided to shop for a vehicle that she can purchase outright with the balance of the insurance payout.  Life has a funny way of presenting us with the lessons we need to learn–and sometimes offers up solutions we didn’t think to ask for. 

Yet, when my husband told me what insurance was going to pay, I burst out laughing and said, “that kid is charmed!” If you doubt me, consider she’s filled out exactly two job applications in her life and these have been the two jobs she’s held. She and her roommates also filled out exactly one rental application, and yeah, that obviously worked out for them. I guess depending on your perspective, Life’s gone pretty easy on the girl so far, or at least has demanded little suffering on her part though she’d probably disagree with this angle.

I love to remember when she was a tween and wanted to redecorate her room. She drew a picture of her vision that included a loft bed and a snake in a tank. Knowing that the only way the pet would be approved was if she could demonstrate she’d thoroughly researched its care and had a way to pay for it, she went about obtaining her Red Cross babysitting credential and putting together her snake acquisition proposal. She landed a regular babysitting gig with some friends of ours, and found a ball python (and necessary supplies) on Craig’s List that needed rehomed. Around the same time, I learned some friends of ours were getting rid of their daughter’s loft bed. When I told them she’d been looking for one, they gave it to us. In less than three months, she’d realized her vision. She’s some kinda magical, I’m tellin’ ya. 

I texted her a few days ago, saying, “if you get a moment today, I’d sure love to hear your voice.” She called that afternoon and we fell quite easily into visiting about her car search and whether she’s finished the latest season of The Bear and Reservation Dogs (not quite.) I learned she’s also been binge-watching X-Files. I have to admit, I kinda love this. I was an avid fan myself when I wasn’t much older than she is. The last few nights, I’ve rewatched the episodes she mentioned. I find it rather comforting that there’s no queer representation in the very bizarre storylines. Wonder if this will sink in…and what she’ll make of it? 

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

She told me that when people ask her how she’s doing, she answers with “Mostly fine.” I think that’s pretty good for a 19 yo figuring out how to make ends meet and tackling her problems as they come, being able to ask for help but also demonstrating the capacity to take responsibility for her choices and experience. There’s any number of ways she could spin things; she also has parts of herself that are prone to experiencing oppression… I’m so glad her general perspective is that things are going pretty okay for her–that they’re mostly fine.