Locating Yourself

Pausing, Discernment, and the Choice to Commit

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Photo by Fallon Michael on Unsplash

I want to acknowledge something you may have noticed: joining the SMP’s membership community, Tapestry, isn’t exactly easy. There’s an application that asks you to do some self-reflection and to locate yourself within the circumstance you’re living. Sometimes there’s also a pause — one that may include an invitation to spend time with the work here on the SMP Substack rather than an immediate invitation to join. This isn’t about withholding support or creating hoops to jump through; it’s about honoring the kind of work we do in the Tapestry.

If you’ve applied, then you’ve received a personal response from me — because submitting an application also begins a conversation. I stay with that conversation until questions are answered and hesitations have room to be explored. Nearly every email I send in response includes some version of the sentence, “Ensuring a good fit is my top priority.” While the entry process has evolved over time, that commitment to alignment has remained the primary guiding principle. When I review an application, I’m attuning to signs of willingness — listening for tone, orientation, and how this mom is relating to what she’s living.

And by willingness, let me be clear about what I’m not talking about. This isn’t about being willing to change your feelings or become someone other than who you are. It’s not about giving up on your child or abandoning your values. And it’s certainly not about having things all figured out or becoming some idealized version of a “good” mother.

What matters is a willingness to slow down enough to be in relationship with yourself, even when the situation feels overwhelming. In a world that often pushes for quick fixes and forward movement, that kind of pause can feel counterintuitive — even frustrating. But again and again, I’ve seen that the effort involved in entering this space serves both the mama who is applying and the community. It creates a moment of discernment — a chance to sense whether this way of working is actually a fit and to thoughtfully commit if aligned.

And sometimes the thought, “I don’t know if I’m ready for this,” is part of the discernment itself. The ability to pause, question, and locate yourself isn’t a barrier to the work — it’s often the beginning of it. This isn’t about confidence. It’s about honesty with yourself, and developing the capacity to stay with what you notice long enough to choose with integrity.

It’s also important to say this plainly: sometimes the pause makes it clear that this isn’t the right fit — at least not right now. You might notice a kind of internal resistance, or a sense of tightening as you read or listen to the messages coming out of the SMP. You may feel frustrated by the orientation here, or wish for something more directive, more reassuring, or more focused on changing the outer circumstances. None of that means you’re doing anything wrong. It often just means that this particular way of working doesn’t match what you’re needing at this point.

When that happens, choosing not to join — or not to join yet — is also an act of discernment. This private community isn’t meant to be all things for all people or right for every season. It asks for a willingness to stay with your own experience, even when—or especially when—it’s uncomfortable, and that isn’t always the right medicine in the middle of urgency or crisis. Trusting that, and choosing accordingly, is part of honoring yourself, your agency, and the work.

Sometimes the effort itself clarifies what matters most right now.
And so often the pause is the work.