June '24 in the SMP

Photo by Rampal Singh on Unsplash

The North Wind and the Sun

This is an Aesop’s fable that Rose shared during our most recent Attachment Matters conversation to illustrate the difference between persistent warmth and abrasive chill when it comes to dealing with defenses. From read.gov:

The North Wind and the Sun had a quarrel about which of them was the stronger. While they were disputing with much heat and bluster, a Traveler passed along the road wrapped in a cloak.

"Let us agree," said the Sun, "that he is the stronger who can strip that Traveler of his cloak."

"Very well," growled the North Wind, and at once sent a cold, howling blast against the Traveler.

With the first gust of wind the ends of the cloak whipped about the Traveler's body. But he immediately wrapped it closely around him, and the harder the Wind blew, the tighter he held it to him. The North Wind tore angrily at the cloak, but all his efforts were in vain.

Then the Sun began to shine. At first his beams were gentle, and in the pleasant warmth after the bitter cold of the North Wind, the Traveler unfastened his cloak and let it hang loosely from his shoulders. The Sun's rays grew warmer and warmer. The man took off his cap and mopped his brow. At last he became so heated that he pulled off his cloak, and, to escape the blazing sunshine, threw himself down in the welcome shade of a tree by the roadside.

Gentleness and kind persuasion win where force and bluster fail.

We discuss the challenges of maintaining this warmth as parents when so many of us feel the need to hold tight to our own defenses. Today’s world does little to support us to keep our hearts open, yet this is what is demanded of us if we’re to “hold onto our kids.” You can listen to the whole conversation here. (I like Rose’s telling of the fable better.):

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Speaking of Q&As

I’m pleased to announce that I’ve indefinitely paused paid subscriptions. After much consideration, I’ve decided it’s important that the content on this site be available to anyone who could benefit from it. I know there are moms in extreme hardship who need support to get through this circumstance that can be so incredibly baffling and painful. I’m hoping the content here at the SMP can give at least a bit of comfort and guidance.

I’m working to remove the paywalls, and this is a rather labor intensive task. So far, I’ve completed the “Recent Reflections” section of reflections along the way and all of the formerly paid expert Q&As, including conversations with Dr. Maggie Goldsmith; midlife mentor, Julie Henderson; author, Jungian analyst, and co-host of This Jungian Life, Lisa Marchiano; cult mediation specialist, Patrick Ryan; psychologist, Dr. Roger McFillin; and parent coach, Scott Noelle. You can find all these conversations, accessing them for free in the podcast archives.

(If you stumble into a paywall in one of these sections, please let me know! I think they’re all down, but I’d hate to have missed any… I’ll keep working on the remaining paywalls.)

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One Mom’s Transformation

I wanted to share this testimonial from a recent coaching graduate who did some powerful work during our months together. I find it such a beautiful transformation story! Please know she deserves all the credit:

I have been meaning to gather my thoughts together about my experience working with Life Coach, Stoic Mom, over these past 5 months.  In brief, it has been a very important, mind-shifting growth experience for me, for which I will be forever grateful.  

Like Stoic Mom, I am the parent of a trans-identified young adult.  My daughter told us she was a boy back in 2016, at the age of 12.  I came to Stoic Mom grieving, gutted, in constant pain, and desperate for a way forward.  All of my efforts, all of my research, all of my pain had gotten me nowhere with my daughter.  I needed a way forward, some way to set all of this pain down, but I didn’t know how.

Our daughter is now almost 21, still very much trans-identified, and has been injecting testosterone for almost 10 months.  I don’t need to tell parents who are similarly situated how torturous and excruciating this experience can be.  What I would like to share is that there is life, for me, beyond her trans identity.  Stoic Mom helped me find this path back to my own life - one that is not limited by, shamed by, reduced by, nor terrorized by my daughter’s chosen path. 

I think that is the crux of it just there - this is my daughter’s path, not mine.  While I will always be her mom, and will always love her, my chosen path, as it relates to my burgeoning adult daughter, is to walk beside her, to be there for her in the capacity that she desires, but not to take responsibility for her decisions.  Her decisions, like my own, will have their natural consequences if I get out of the way and let them.  Moreover, at this point in her life, our daughter is content with the road she has chosen, regardless of the risks and the challenges.  

Stoic Mom helped me find the peace that comes with relinquishing ownership of my daughter’s experience, and with letting go of the shame and the failure I was experiencing as her mom. I have nothing to be ashamed of, and I am not a failure.  It is my daughter’s turn to do with this life what she will.  And with that recognition comes inner peace, perhaps even a touch of joy, that I have not felt in 9 years.  Do I grieve what could have been, and envy others who seem to have what I do not - absolutely - but that dream was never mine to have in reality.  There are no do-overs.  This life, and this relationship with my daughter is what I do have, and, to quote Natasha Bedingfield, “the rest is yet unwritten.”   

Stoic Mom helped me learn to value myself, not just in words, but to actually mean it.  In valuing myself, Stoic Mom guided me towards understanding what an important model that creates for my daughter.  I am hopeful for our daughter, for all the typical things- we want our children to be content, to be healthy and free from want, and ultimately to become functional adults. I cannot make it so, but by valuing myself, I hope I model for our daughter that functional adult female life is worth living.  But regardless of how our daughter perceives it, valuing myself - deeming myself worthy of joy, of love, of life, is a priceless gift.  I am very grateful to Stoic Mom for helping me see this, and for helping me take strides towards going forward and living.  -Hope, mother of an adult trans-identified daughter

I hope you know that you too are worthy of joy, of love, and of a full, rich Life. I believe what the world needs most right now is for more of us to feel truly alive, eager for the wisdom embedded in Life’s challenges, modeling inner peace, resilience, and sanity for our children.