A few days ago, I tweeted this question: “What % of your life is spent worrying? Enjoying?” I directed it specifically to parents of trans-IDed kids. The most common answer I got was 99% of the time is spent worrying. Some said they were in a constant state of worry, others said while they might get temporarily distracted or find enjoyment here or there, anxiety, anger, or obsession with the topic is pretty much continuous.
I really needed to read this this morning! I was doing fine, much along the lines of what you mentioned - sipping that G+T (albeit a glass of wine), feeling like stardust, and living the happy life. Then I went down the Twitter hole this morning, and hey, it's #ROGD awareness day! And I started reading more and feeling terrible again.
I do realize this taps into a sense of false control -- that if I read enough, post enough, know enough, I will be able to FIX this. Or at least, help fix my daughter! But, if I sit with that for a minute, I don't think I can do that, realistically. Which makes me so sad. I feel so sad she's stuck here. So what can I do? Show her how I have changed my mind, become unstuck in my own life, and keep laughing and not worrying about gender. Thank you!!!
Great read. One thing kept coming to mind... you would never know how your life could’ve unfolded had this never been brought into your life. It’s unknowable. Could something else have triggered your own growth with your daughter? Or hers?Something different but that pushed you into changing your way of living or appreciating or growing? It’s probably likely. I think for me, it’s only natural to survive by moving in the direction you have. It’s because of who we are that we choose life over death. I mean this spiritually. The way you describe how it’s changed you for the better. It’s a hopeful/ faithful outlook. And one you’ve chosen because of how you are as a person. Not everyone has your unique traits that make you you. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Most of us are here because we are like you maybe in different degrees but we do have similar personalities. Am I making any sense? Ha! We’re here to find a way to survive this and find hope, a word or two that will lift us up out of our despair. I suppose others going through this that aren’t here are probably coping in their own ways and if they aren’t coping in what seems healthy ways to us, maybe their journey will just take a different path. There’s no way for us to know until we are on the other side... all of us. I think it’s patience and trust that I get inspired by when I read your words.. thank you so much for your gift of that to me.🙏❤️
We just returned from vacation. I learned a few things. First, ignoring the whole issue of gender made the vacation much better - at least for me, and I think for my confused daughter as well. Instead of harping on the fact that she felt compelled to wear a binder at the beach and in the hot weather, requiring thicker shirts to cover it, and therefore less comfort, and instead of harping on her purposeful voice change whenever she ordered in a restaurant and the slight smile she had when she was addressed by the waitstaff as "sir," or some other male nickname, I just enjoyed the beach, the sun, the good food, etc., and I also enjoyed the moments when she forgot about gender and was just herself. We had plenty of good moments walking around, biking, eating, etc. We had some real connecting moments that would not have happened had I been sulking about gender. Second, a scary incident happened where she was having trouble swimming and we had to ask for help from other people in the water. It was so scary that it made me remember that this whole gender thing, as horrible and wrong as it is, is, with rare exception, not actually a matter of life and death. If my daughter, who is 16 now and has been at this for over 3 years, eventually decides to medicalize, I will be very upset about it. However, at the moment, she is fine, and she is here on Earth. Every moment of that intelligent, funny, creative, quirky, silly, affectionate, moody, nutty child is a gift, and I intend to concentrate on that instead of concentrating on how she has been coaxed by society into thinking she is "really a boy" and how she may ultimately damage her healthy body. I intend to concentrate on both the good moments we have and the potential for her to have a wonderful future, instead of on the mistakes she may make or the wrongs being perpetrated by those who are pushing her in this bizarre direction. So, Stoic Mom, I agree wholeheartedly with you, and I definitely think it is not only okay, but the best choice you can make to actually see the bright side and enjoy life!
This whole article is amazing but this line especially resonates with me, perhaps because I am so angry about my daughter falling victim to gender identity ideology: “For me, being truly alive is the best way to give the finger to a movement that preys on fear, insecurity, self-flagellation.”
I recently wrote to a friend that because my 14 year old is obsessed with all things trans, so am I. But I agree with all of this. I need to let go, trust, find a way to live in the moment and not worry about a future that may never happen.
I really needed to read this this morning! I was doing fine, much along the lines of what you mentioned - sipping that G+T (albeit a glass of wine), feeling like stardust, and living the happy life. Then I went down the Twitter hole this morning, and hey, it's #ROGD awareness day! And I started reading more and feeling terrible again.
I do realize this taps into a sense of false control -- that if I read enough, post enough, know enough, I will be able to FIX this. Or at least, help fix my daughter! But, if I sit with that for a minute, I don't think I can do that, realistically. Which makes me so sad. I feel so sad she's stuck here. So what can I do? Show her how I have changed my mind, become unstuck in my own life, and keep laughing and not worrying about gender. Thank you!!!
I needed to hear this too! I have become obsessed at times. It’s hard to not let it consume you. Thanks for writing this.
Great read. One thing kept coming to mind... you would never know how your life could’ve unfolded had this never been brought into your life. It’s unknowable. Could something else have triggered your own growth with your daughter? Or hers?Something different but that pushed you into changing your way of living or appreciating or growing? It’s probably likely. I think for me, it’s only natural to survive by moving in the direction you have. It’s because of who we are that we choose life over death. I mean this spiritually. The way you describe how it’s changed you for the better. It’s a hopeful/ faithful outlook. And one you’ve chosen because of how you are as a person. Not everyone has your unique traits that make you you. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Most of us are here because we are like you maybe in different degrees but we do have similar personalities. Am I making any sense? Ha! We’re here to find a way to survive this and find hope, a word or two that will lift us up out of our despair. I suppose others going through this that aren’t here are probably coping in their own ways and if they aren’t coping in what seems healthy ways to us, maybe their journey will just take a different path. There’s no way for us to know until we are on the other side... all of us. I think it’s patience and trust that I get inspired by when I read your words.. thank you so much for your gift of that to me.🙏❤️
We just returned from vacation. I learned a few things. First, ignoring the whole issue of gender made the vacation much better - at least for me, and I think for my confused daughter as well. Instead of harping on the fact that she felt compelled to wear a binder at the beach and in the hot weather, requiring thicker shirts to cover it, and therefore less comfort, and instead of harping on her purposeful voice change whenever she ordered in a restaurant and the slight smile she had when she was addressed by the waitstaff as "sir," or some other male nickname, I just enjoyed the beach, the sun, the good food, etc., and I also enjoyed the moments when she forgot about gender and was just herself. We had plenty of good moments walking around, biking, eating, etc. We had some real connecting moments that would not have happened had I been sulking about gender. Second, a scary incident happened where she was having trouble swimming and we had to ask for help from other people in the water. It was so scary that it made me remember that this whole gender thing, as horrible and wrong as it is, is, with rare exception, not actually a matter of life and death. If my daughter, who is 16 now and has been at this for over 3 years, eventually decides to medicalize, I will be very upset about it. However, at the moment, she is fine, and she is here on Earth. Every moment of that intelligent, funny, creative, quirky, silly, affectionate, moody, nutty child is a gift, and I intend to concentrate on that instead of concentrating on how she has been coaxed by society into thinking she is "really a boy" and how she may ultimately damage her healthy body. I intend to concentrate on both the good moments we have and the potential for her to have a wonderful future, instead of on the mistakes she may make or the wrongs being perpetrated by those who are pushing her in this bizarre direction. So, Stoic Mom, I agree wholeheartedly with you, and I definitely think it is not only okay, but the best choice you can make to actually see the bright side and enjoy life!
This whole article is amazing but this line especially resonates with me, perhaps because I am so angry about my daughter falling victim to gender identity ideology: “For me, being truly alive is the best way to give the finger to a movement that preys on fear, insecurity, self-flagellation.”
I recently wrote to a friend that because my 14 year old is obsessed with all things trans, so am I. But I agree with all of this. I need to let go, trust, find a way to live in the moment and not worry about a future that may never happen.
Thank you, your essays and outlook have helped me tremendously in this journey. Yes we can also enjoy life and take care of ourselves.
Thank you. Just...thank you.