I wrote this one up pretty quickly yesterday, but I find myself hesitating to publish. There may be some important caveats to acknowledge: my daughter lives at home and is not college-bound (to which I say, whew!) She’s now 18 and the shift described here happened post that bday (but I wonder what would have happened had I gotten here sooner…) I say often throughout this that my way is an experiment and there are other important conditions in this experiment (described in my other essays.) But as we all know, experiments are risky. On the risk spectrum, I hang out on the tolerant side.
Tears… just tears reading this. It’s like you’re speaking to Me! Thank you for writing this. It helps me and it’s what I needed to read to remind me of all those points you shared and questions you asked. My oldest daughter the eldest one that identifies as Non. Binary and Trans and Gay (the younger one does too), is leaving for college tomorrow and I am filled with anxiety, sadness, grief that I’ve wasted this past 20 months on trying to save her or maybe just worried that I wouldn’t save her. You’re right though, I can’t save her. This is her journey and I want to be a loving support for her even as she stumbles down this road of life, like we all do. Thanks for all your writing. I’m going to sign up for paid subscription because of this essay and because I want to support people that I believe are helping so many. ❤️🙏
I think there are a lot of valuable points here. I agree about this being about individuation for some kids. No doubt.
The stumbling block, for me anyway, is that it is such unhealthy individuation.
If your daughter decided to break away from the family and achieve independence by
Joining a religious cult
Becoming a heroin-addicted sex worker
Marrying a physically abusive man
these are all unhealthy things that any sane parent would try to influence and stop.
For most families, it’s not simple individuation that they need to accept -- it’s the self-harm that they see coming down the tracks. Of course any sane person wants to push her child out of the way of the freight train.
And yes, if the child is trying to break away, even in a unhealthy way, trying to stop her might cause her to want to break away even more.
But something is gnawing at me a bit here. Letting go might be all a parent _can_ do, but it still feels very wrong, it still feel like enabling harm to come to your child, and it still hurts like hell.
I've been slowly coming around to this now that my transIDd 18 YO daughter is off to college. Her very presence sends me into a tailspin so I'm hoping that the geographical distance between us will enable me to enjoy life more and free her up to continue her exploration - even if it doesn't look like exploration to me......
Our family has been at this almost two years with our son and I have come to realize what you say is true. I have tried more often to be in the moment and enjoy the jokes and laughs with my son instead of worrying constantly about what his future will be. Thanks for all you do.
Great advice and I hope I can follow it soon. For me it's too fresh and the grief is in full force. I've only been part of this nightmare for 4 months and 16 days. I wish I never knew. Sadness and anger are the only emotions right now. But I hear you. I hope to find myself laughing and enjoying art again soon. Just not sure how soon that will be.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say to your kid who is out of your control is "I trust you to make good choices and do the right thing."
I went off to college 5 months after my 17th birthday (in 1983). I remember talking to my parents on the phone and describing parties full of alcohol (the fraternities had "little sister" recruitment parties where what was on the poster was which strong sweet mixed drink they were serving) and they laid that line on me. I hung up thinking "They trust me to do the right thing. Now I have to do the right thing!"
I spent the first year of this feeling like there was an oncoming train about to crush my daughter, and that I needed to pull her off the tracks. I was literally dumping adrenaline all the time, with my pulse in the high double digits, as if my fight or flight response was constantly activated. Slowly, I've come to agree with you. My child is, as a friend put it, a product of her place and time. Maybe there was point when I could have headed this off--but truly, with a 9-month lockdown, middle school, puberty, a need to individuate, a rash of "trans" kids at her school and in our community, internet influencers, and her own likely neuro-atypical makeup... Well, did I ever stand a chance? Did she? The moment we started dealing with her very real depression, cracks in the trans facade appeared. Occasional talk of detransition, feeling feminine, dreaming that she "misgendered herself," speculation that she might just be a lesbian, and lately, joking about a choice to wear a feminine outfit complete with eyeliner and earrings as "going in drag." Rather than get hopeful about these changes, I'm determined to meditate, work out, enjoy my job, have dinner with my family, walk the dog...and just live. I already pushed one train off the tracks: I fired the therapist who wanted her to start on testosterone (at 13!!), and whose weekly therapy sessions ended in a depressed child fixated on transition. I drew a bright line: legal name and gender changes and medicalizing would be for her to decide and for her to arrange, as an adult. If it's that important for her to have a new name and gender on her birth certificate, well, she'll need to put in the effort and not expect mom and dad to do it.
Now maybe we can have a picnic on the tracks, with any trains years and years away. Perhaps we can make life off the tracks interesting and enticing. Maybe, now that we are leaving most of the pandemic restrictions behind, we can enjoy the clubs and activities and all the rest whose absence fueled this. Or so I hope.
Just reading this a year later and it is magnificent. I know I can't completely let go of the feeling that I messed up somehow, but I am giving myself permission to push it to the side just a little bit. I guess it allows me to hang on to hope that a door will open and I can be let back in.
Thank you for your insightful essay. You are a mom of a daughter and tell us"Remember, the world doesn’t need martyrs, and our daughters need models. Let’s rock womanhood in a way they want for themselves."
What would you say to moms of SONS when their father has passed away, so there is not a father to role model a manhood to help the son emulate? It's only a mother and a son.
My kid is failing in life. Its painful to watch. Making bad choices and suffering from them. Getting divorced, close to homelessness, underemployed, no car. It's hard to really focus on hobbies and feel great when kids not doing well. It's just sad.
Tears… just tears reading this. It’s like you’re speaking to Me! Thank you for writing this. It helps me and it’s what I needed to read to remind me of all those points you shared and questions you asked. My oldest daughter the eldest one that identifies as Non. Binary and Trans and Gay (the younger one does too), is leaving for college tomorrow and I am filled with anxiety, sadness, grief that I’ve wasted this past 20 months on trying to save her or maybe just worried that I wouldn’t save her. You’re right though, I can’t save her. This is her journey and I want to be a loving support for her even as she stumbles down this road of life, like we all do. Thanks for all your writing. I’m going to sign up for paid subscription because of this essay and because I want to support people that I believe are helping so many. ❤️🙏
I think there are a lot of valuable points here. I agree about this being about individuation for some kids. No doubt.
The stumbling block, for me anyway, is that it is such unhealthy individuation.
If your daughter decided to break away from the family and achieve independence by
Joining a religious cult
Becoming a heroin-addicted sex worker
Marrying a physically abusive man
these are all unhealthy things that any sane parent would try to influence and stop.
For most families, it’s not simple individuation that they need to accept -- it’s the self-harm that they see coming down the tracks. Of course any sane person wants to push her child out of the way of the freight train.
And yes, if the child is trying to break away, even in a unhealthy way, trying to stop her might cause her to want to break away even more.
But something is gnawing at me a bit here. Letting go might be all a parent _can_ do, but it still feels very wrong, it still feel like enabling harm to come to your child, and it still hurts like hell.
I've been slowly coming around to this now that my transIDd 18 YO daughter is off to college. Her very presence sends me into a tailspin so I'm hoping that the geographical distance between us will enable me to enjoy life more and free her up to continue her exploration - even if it doesn't look like exploration to me......
Our family has been at this almost two years with our son and I have come to realize what you say is true. I have tried more often to be in the moment and enjoy the jokes and laughs with my son instead of worrying constantly about what his future will be. Thanks for all you do.
Great advice and I hope I can follow it soon. For me it's too fresh and the grief is in full force. I've only been part of this nightmare for 4 months and 16 days. I wish I never knew. Sadness and anger are the only emotions right now. But I hear you. I hope to find myself laughing and enjoying art again soon. Just not sure how soon that will be.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say to your kid who is out of your control is "I trust you to make good choices and do the right thing."
I went off to college 5 months after my 17th birthday (in 1983). I remember talking to my parents on the phone and describing parties full of alcohol (the fraternities had "little sister" recruitment parties where what was on the poster was which strong sweet mixed drink they were serving) and they laid that line on me. I hung up thinking "They trust me to do the right thing. Now I have to do the right thing!"
I spent the first year of this feeling like there was an oncoming train about to crush my daughter, and that I needed to pull her off the tracks. I was literally dumping adrenaline all the time, with my pulse in the high double digits, as if my fight or flight response was constantly activated. Slowly, I've come to agree with you. My child is, as a friend put it, a product of her place and time. Maybe there was point when I could have headed this off--but truly, with a 9-month lockdown, middle school, puberty, a need to individuate, a rash of "trans" kids at her school and in our community, internet influencers, and her own likely neuro-atypical makeup... Well, did I ever stand a chance? Did she? The moment we started dealing with her very real depression, cracks in the trans facade appeared. Occasional talk of detransition, feeling feminine, dreaming that she "misgendered herself," speculation that she might just be a lesbian, and lately, joking about a choice to wear a feminine outfit complete with eyeliner and earrings as "going in drag." Rather than get hopeful about these changes, I'm determined to meditate, work out, enjoy my job, have dinner with my family, walk the dog...and just live. I already pushed one train off the tracks: I fired the therapist who wanted her to start on testosterone (at 13!!), and whose weekly therapy sessions ended in a depressed child fixated on transition. I drew a bright line: legal name and gender changes and medicalizing would be for her to decide and for her to arrange, as an adult. If it's that important for her to have a new name and gender on her birth certificate, well, she'll need to put in the effort and not expect mom and dad to do it.
Now maybe we can have a picnic on the tracks, with any trains years and years away. Perhaps we can make life off the tracks interesting and enticing. Maybe, now that we are leaving most of the pandemic restrictions behind, we can enjoy the clubs and activities and all the rest whose absence fueled this. Or so I hope.
Just reading this a year later and it is magnificent. I know I can't completely let go of the feeling that I messed up somehow, but I am giving myself permission to push it to the side just a little bit. I guess it allows me to hang on to hope that a door will open and I can be let back in.
Thank you for your insightful essay. You are a mom of a daughter and tell us"Remember, the world doesn’t need martyrs, and our daughters need models. Let’s rock womanhood in a way they want for themselves."
What would you say to moms of SONS when their father has passed away, so there is not a father to role model a manhood to help the son emulate? It's only a mother and a son.
My kid is failing in life. Its painful to watch. Making bad choices and suffering from them. Getting divorced, close to homelessness, underemployed, no car. It's hard to really focus on hobbies and feel great when kids not doing well. It's just sad.
Hey there, I’m Maggy Goldsmith. Great Wider Lens interview last week. So spot on in so many ways! We should talk sometime.
asteredelsmid@gmail.com