Tears… just tears reading this. It’s like you’re speaking to Me! Thank you for writing this. It helps me and it’s what I needed to read to remind me of all those points you shared and questions you asked. My oldest daughter the eldest one that identifies as Non. Binary and Trans and Gay (the younger one does too), is leaving for college tomorrow and I am filled with anxiety, sadness, grief that I’ve wasted this past 20 months on trying to save her or maybe just worried that I wouldn’t save her. You’re right though, I can’t save her. This is her journey and I want to be a loving support for her even as she stumbles down this road of life, like we all do. Thanks for all your writing. I’m going to sign up for paid subscription because of this essay and because I want to support people that I believe are helping so many. ❤️🙏
“if you had a good relationship with your kid before this, if this isn’t about trauma or same-sex attraction, then odds are, this is about individuation.” This is us. Also, fun fact-- “Maggie” is Jamie’s therapist. Thank you for this thought-provoker!! 💖
My pleasure! "I didn't want to be yours anymore" is the title of that WL episode. I think this is the thought going through so many of our daughters' heads. It's a painful one, until we recognize it as normal individuation. Then the best we can do is to navigate this with care and consciousness. Or I guess there's the "nuclear option" approach...
Ah, yeah there's the theme. I tell my daughter these days, "go individuate, honey." I used to say, "go play in traffic." 🥸 I joke! Ba dump dump. But yes—here's to us not needing the nuclear option. I don't have an ancestral homeland with non-gendered pronouns anyway. Do you? 🤷🏻♀️
oy vey i remember now. taking Jamie to the Caribbean soon. but now after reading your piece i am reminded to loosen my death grip on the fantasy of desistance and just go with the flow. 🥰
I wrote a piece about this. It's an older one titled, "Magic" The gist was essentially to "loosen our death grip" on our expectations for family adventures and "go with the flow" allowing and looking for the magic. ;) Somehow, I suspect this comes pretty naturally to you? I know how this destabilizing experience can rob us, at least temporarily, of practices we'd already developed.
I think there are a lot of valuable points here. I agree about this being about individuation for some kids. No doubt.
The stumbling block, for me anyway, is that it is such unhealthy individuation.
If your daughter decided to break away from the family and achieve independence by
Joining a religious cult
Becoming a heroin-addicted sex worker
Marrying a physically abusive man
these are all unhealthy things that any sane parent would try to influence and stop.
For most families, it’s not simple individuation that they need to accept -- it’s the self-harm that they see coming down the tracks. Of course any sane person wants to push her child out of the way of the freight train.
And yes, if the child is trying to break away, even in a unhealthy way, trying to stop her might cause her to want to break away even more.
But something is gnawing at me a bit here. Letting go might be all a parent _can_ do, but it still feels very wrong, it still feel like enabling harm to come to your child, and it still hurts like hell.
Thank you for lifting this up; I think this is why I was hesitating to publish. These thoughts went through my mind. This is the hardest thing to describe, but I think it's about the energy. It's also why I said there are other conditions to this experiment and qualified the moms that I think would benefit most from this post. If the point is individuation, then maybe this is the way. But there's more to "the way."
Notice I never said I "don't care" if my daughter transitions. She knows I care very much, but she also knows I can't stop her. Right now, she does not seem to be "moving toward" this thing. If my focus is on that thing, I think it keeps her focus on that thing.
I think marrying a physically abusive man or becoming a heroin-addicted sex worker is not a likely outcome of a child who grew up with healthy attachment. The only scenario I grappled with was religious cult which MAY be a bit trickier and we all recognize the similarities. What I'm going for is "secure attachment." When there's secure attachment, there's influence (as in Control vs. Influence); if she senses I'm trying to control her, I trigger her counterwill. The energy I bring to the influence matters. Attachment comes up here too--or detachment. The bottom line that I've communicated is, "You know I don't think this is a good idea and you know why. I know I can't control you. I trust you to think through your decisions."
"Enabling harm" frankly seems way off. If I've done all I could to inoculate my child and have clearly communicated my values, then there comes a point where I have to let go and trust she'll figure things out. I'm also now modeling what I want for her. I think there's much wisdom in "being the change" rather than trying to change someone else--maybe especially when we're dealing with our adult children. There's so much more to this, but now I'm concerned I didn't communicate this clearly enough in this piece.
Again, thanks for lifting this so I could try to better explain. If you're game, I'd love to continue this "conversation" until it feels less "gnawing." :)
I think you communicated it clearly! I just wanted to give you the feedback on the point where I felt uneasy because I suspect other people might react like “how could I possibly let go of this? She’s hurting herself.”
Also… I think there are forces that secure attachment (as important as that is!) can’t protect you from, because if you’re going to become separate from parents, in that process of living your own life you’ll be exposed to some bad options.
Depending on your own wiring and weaknesses (I now believe) and not the great parenting you might have received, you’ll be more or less vulnerable to certain things.
For example, while neither my husband nor I have any substance use problems and we modeled responsible (almost no) drinking at home, we also had in our extended family people who were problem drinkers. Without being exposed to those people, and without being exposed to problem drinking at home, and despite being raised in a nurturing environment, one child struggles with substances.
I think a kid who is raised with stable nurturing parents is more likely to have inherited their stable nurturing wiring — so maybe they’re less likely to marry a physically abusive person. But was it the parenting or their inherited wiring?
Being raised in a chaotic home is also probably correlated with inheriting some of that unstable wiring yourself so you might grow up unstable.
Like red hair, though, unfortunate genetic wiring can skip a generation.
“Blueprint” by Robert Plomin changed my mind on a lot of these things. I no longer think my good parenting (while by no means worthless) had the beneficial effects I believed going in!
When I was a younger mother and more focused on secure attachment, attachment parenting, etc., as the key to “excellent parenting” (partly because I had very neglectful and harmful /hurtful parents), I think I invested too much power and faith in this style of parenting. I believed it was nurture (as opposed to nature) that was more likely to give my kids good outcomes.
But now I believe, a lot of times, really good parenting can’t protect kids from their own weaknesses or bad choices. A lot of times, really crummy parenting can’t destroy kids who are naturally resilient.
Maybe what I’m saying is, when I was younger, I thought the type of parenting I provided was going to provide all these benefits and protection to my kids and now I don’t believe that.
I have one really flourishing child, who I think would be flourishing no matter what I’d done. I have one really struggling child, who I think would be struggling no matter what I’d done.
If anything, if I could go back in time and have some do-overs, I wish I had less faith in the ability of a loving home to “conquer all” and prevent problems. Looking back, I wish I’d not given the struggling access to the internet. I wish I’d supervised a little more what he was doing with his friends.
I wish I’d had less faith in my own loving parenting and more faith in the power of protecting a kid from his own Achilles heel.
So… these are my own experiences and biases talking and it doesn’t even relate to gender. It relates to substance use. So take it with a grain of salt.
Looking back I wish I’d interfered more rather than less in trying to “save my kid from himself” even as a young adult when (if everything had been going well) obviously the right thing to do would be to have let go and let maturation unfold naturally).
Hm I guess I’m saying it’s really hard. I don’t pretend to have any right answers. I agree with you that parents mustn’t let a trans ID overshadow any other happy moments, or define a continuing trans ID as failure. Letting the kid go is hard though.
"But now I believe, a lot of times, really good parenting can’t protect kids from their own weaknesses or bad choices. A lot of times, really crummy parenting can’t destroy kids who are naturally resilient." I think this is incredibly important for moms here to read.
I have lots of siblings and we are on a clear spectrum of healthy vs unhealthy adult lifestyles. Though most (including myself; I certainly engaged in some "bad options" that were downright dangerous) found our way back to relatively healthy (usually based on who they chose as partners--which is also interesting to me.) I have one brother in his 40s who's wicked smart, good work ethic, etc. who continues to struggle pretty badly with addiction. My mom remains "caring, supportive, and available" and that's all she really can do. And I know it's painful for her. And she's amazing! She's my model of resilience; someone who laughs and feels lots of love & joy, who we sometimes call "Elf" because she still seems engaged in childlike awe & wonder daily.
There's some definite wiring (nature) involved here. As you said, "letting the kid go" is really hard. And it doesn't mean you're cutting them out, pushing them away. It just means letting them figure some things out the hard way--because that's what they are demanding. Btw, I suspect if you'd tried to control your child's internet access, he probably would have found ways to get to it anyway.
Problems are part of life. This may be where I have some radical opinions also. I suspect my oldest is headed for some painful problems AND I’m pretty sure she’ll figure her shit out. I've dealt with damned painful problems in my life, this being the most painful. And life is rich.
I think I see quite a few flourishing detransitioners out there. I have another brother that was once an addict that most would say is flourishing now. I don't wish a problem-free life for my kids (and I'm not saying you did) and flourishing may not be a continuous state; and sometimes overcoming some really difficult things is what gets us there. To me, both my kids look like they’re flourishing now, but I’d probably get push back for that too because my daughter still IDs!
Of course, I hope she continues to flourish. I can’t control whether she will or not; I can only do my best to influence and in the end, the painful aspects of her life will be painful for me too. I will feel deep sadness AND I’ll continue to enjoy the results of training for that marathon.
I don't know who it was that originally said they wanted to be the lighthouse. That jumping in a rowboat during the storm to paddle after your kid to try to rescue them is more likely to just take you down too. I think I’m just saying, “let’s be lighthouses.”
The lighthouse quote came from a parent at the first Wider Lens Consulting retreat. Stella mentioned it in the first GWL podcast of the season. So powerful; I now have a picture of a lighthouse with a small rowboat in stormy seas posted in my kitchen as a reminder - to not dive in with her. Lisa M's suggestion that parents of teens WAIT (think "why am I talking?") is also helpful.
Thank you for the source! I think that episode may be where I heard it. I love that description of your picture. I also love WAIT. I'd learned that actually in a totally different context long ago but had a mom I work with remind me of it. It's definitely helpful!
I do agree with that. I agree too that to do otherwise might take you down too.
It’s so hard to watch an adult kid do destructive things. (Beyond, “bad choices” but flat-out destructive.) For me it really does feel like a failure, even if intellectually I know it’s not.
I’m not sure. I think the five-factor model (FFM) of personality is valid and can inform people of their own strengths and tendencies— but then again, most people are already aware of their own strengths and tendencies! So how much does it really tell you?
Other things. Like Meyers-Briggs, Enneagram, Strengthsfinder, are less scientific but can still tell you things about yourself ( but again, things that you probably already knew).
Maybe it depends on how self-aware a person is to start with, and then what they do with this knowledge!
Thank you for "But now I believe, a lot of times, really good parenting can’t protect kids from their own weaknesses or bad choices. A lot of times, really crummy parenting can’t destroy kids who are naturally resilient." I have two
neurodivergent kids with no resilience, so the challenge is real. And because my trans ID daughter didn't get her diagnosis until 4 years after trans-ID started, my parenting style pre-diagnosis was only helping to push her away. For my girl this is so much more than individuation.
I'm very curious to know more. Would you mind sharing the diagnosis and what you think your girl is trying to accomplish? If not, I totally understand. If you're open but would rather not share here, you also can always email me at stoicmom@protonmail.com
I've been slowly coming around to this now that my transIDd 18 YO daughter is off to college. Her very presence sends me into a tailspin so I'm hoping that the geographical distance between us will enable me to enjoy life more and free her up to continue her exploration - even if it doesn't look like exploration to me......
This work we're doing is not for the faint of heart! Sounds like you're training for that marathon. ;)
"Sends me into a tailspin" sounds like something is triggering you. If I could make a suggestion it would be to better understand what is causing you to tailspin...
Our family has been at this almost two years with our son and I have come to realize what you say is true. I have tried more often to be in the moment and enjoy the jokes and laughs with my son instead of worrying constantly about what his future will be. Thanks for all you do.
"Laughing juries don't convict." I loved when I heard this from the father of a transIDed girl. Every time my family laughs together, I remember this line. I also make sure I'm fully present and soaking up that moment of joy and love!
Great advice and I hope I can follow it soon. For me it's too fresh and the grief is in full force. I've only been part of this nightmare for 4 months and 16 days. I wish I never knew. Sadness and anger are the only emotions right now. But I hear you. I hope to find myself laughing and enjoying art again soon. Just not sure how soon that will be.
The grief is part of the process--an important part! It is a walk through darkness; you can even think of it as the dark forest that Joseph Campbell describes, and you're on your hero's journey. It takes work to find the light again. I'm glad you found your way here, and I hope my work helps you to know you can do it.
I do link my form to a free discovery session a couple times in the piece. If you think you could use some 1:1 support with this, I'm here.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say to your kid who is out of your control is "I trust you to make good choices and do the right thing."
I went off to college 5 months after my 17th birthday (in 1983). I remember talking to my parents on the phone and describing parties full of alcohol (the fraternities had "little sister" recruitment parties where what was on the poster was which strong sweet mixed drink they were serving) and they laid that line on me. I hung up thinking "They trust me to do the right thing. Now I have to do the right thing!"
Yes! This is the approach I have shifted to. Thank you Julia! It feels like a little less of an experiment now. ;) And I think me going about enjoying my life further communicates that faith in her, "I don't worry about you making the wrong choice..."
My parents did it to good effect almost 40 years ago. I remember watching the girls whose parents had really tried to control their lives - they were the most likely to spin out of control.
I spent the first year of this feeling like there was an oncoming train about to crush my daughter, and that I needed to pull her off the tracks. I was literally dumping adrenaline all the time, with my pulse in the high double digits, as if my fight or flight response was constantly activated. Slowly, I've come to agree with you. My child is, as a friend put it, a product of her place and time. Maybe there was point when I could have headed this off--but truly, with a 9-month lockdown, middle school, puberty, a need to individuate, a rash of "trans" kids at her school and in our community, internet influencers, and her own likely neuro-atypical makeup... Well, did I ever stand a chance? Did she? The moment we started dealing with her very real depression, cracks in the trans facade appeared. Occasional talk of detransition, feeling feminine, dreaming that she "misgendered herself," speculation that she might just be a lesbian, and lately, joking about a choice to wear a feminine outfit complete with eyeliner and earrings as "going in drag." Rather than get hopeful about these changes, I'm determined to meditate, work out, enjoy my job, have dinner with my family, walk the dog...and just live. I already pushed one train off the tracks: I fired the therapist who wanted her to start on testosterone (at 13!!), and whose weekly therapy sessions ended in a depressed child fixated on transition. I drew a bright line: legal name and gender changes and medicalizing would be for her to decide and for her to arrange, as an adult. If it's that important for her to have a new name and gender on her birth certificate, well, she'll need to put in the effort and not expect mom and dad to do it.
Now maybe we can have a picnic on the tracks, with any trains years and years away. Perhaps we can make life off the tracks interesting and enticing. Maybe, now that we are leaving most of the pandemic restrictions behind, we can enjoy the clubs and activities and all the rest whose absence fueled this. Or so I hope.
Thank you so much for sharing this! Our children are a product of their place and time AND if we can clearly communicate our values and then trust in the foundation we gave them and in the connection we've nurtured, then at some point we have to put our trust in them to find their way--hopefully off the tracks.
Just reading this a year later and it is magnificent. I know I can't completely let go of the feeling that I messed up somehow, but I am giving myself permission to push it to the side just a little bit. I guess it allows me to hang on to hope that a door will open and I can be let back in.
We all mess up! But neither you nor I nor any mother reading this is responsible for our child's adopted identity. What's within our power is to keep our door open and a warm fire in the hearth to welcome them home. And in the meantime, become the human we'd like to see them become. Thanks for taking the time to comment! <3
Thank you for your insightful essay. You are a mom of a daughter and tell us"Remember, the world doesn’t need martyrs, and our daughters need models. Let’s rock womanhood in a way they want for themselves."
What would you say to moms of SONS when their father has passed away, so there is not a father to role model a manhood to help the son emulate? It's only a mother and a son.
I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing and can only imagine the extra levels of challenge contributing to the trauma of this circumstance. In the words of Kristin Neff, "sometimes our only refuge is self-compassion." I think many of us don't know what this means or how to do it. I hope you can give yourself some grace and be okay with just being human. We're all doing the best we can. I'd say, "hang in there, Mama!" and please take good care of yourself. Work on letting go of what you can't control.
My kid is failing in life. Its painful to watch. Making bad choices and suffering from them. Getting divorced, close to homelessness, underemployed, no car. It's hard to really focus on hobbies and feel great when kids not doing well. It's just sad.
I imagine that can't feel good. It sounds like your kid may not feel a sense of meaning and purpose; a state that's pretty common among young adults these days. I hope that changes for your kid at some point. What about you? Do you have a sense of meaning and purpose? Do you have things in your life that make you feel alive?
Thanks for replying StoicMom. After a last minute visit to him over Thanksgiving, that turned out to be very sad and very difficult, and he called me out on not using his name and pronouns, something changed and I think I am finally in the acceptance stage of grief, although we know grief is not linear.
Acceptance that he may never change, he is captured and suffers from multiple comorbidities. I have accepted that he may leave me at some point, estrange from me, or worse. I am trying to separate myself from the outcome, although we know it's not entirely possible as a mom.
After all that Sasha, Stella and Lisa have talked about focusing on your own life, I am finally really trying to do that, although he is still the first thing on my mind before I open my eyes in the morning. I am fighting for myself.
I started a goals or dream journal while visiting him and we had just said some really hard things that caused pain. I decided I will work hard on me this year, even though my son will run out of money in 2 weeks, and he has temporary housing. What a dichotomy: me seeking happiness while my child sinks further.
I have prayed that in his sinking to rock bottom, that God will meet him there, a substrate to push off of and lift himself out of. I know it's the only way out: his own strength. He told me he is getting tired... all I can do is love. It may or may not be enough.
While I struggle with meaning and purpose, I know what has made me feel alive in the past: backpacking, travel, teaching and helping others. I will try to take steps to focus on those so I can be strong for me first, and for him. Thank you for asking StoicMom.
Sounds like you're focused on what you can control--the quality of your own experience. By doing this work, you also model for your son. I believe it's the best you can do.
If you find yourself needing community support, please consider joining our online learning community by becoming a Founding Member. We meet monthly and support each other to do the inner work you're describing. Wishing you all the best in this extremely difficult "curriculum of the soul."
"Perceiving a higher path" and deciding to do the work to get there is the hardest part. I had a conversation with someone recently who said she'd, "accepted the project." There is indeed freedom and joy when you reach that path. You're on your way now. I'll be publishing a helpful concepts lesson soon on meaning and purpose! :) I know it's incredibly painful, and you have immense capacity to overcome pain. This is the human spirit. We're made for this.
Tears… just tears reading this. It’s like you’re speaking to Me! Thank you for writing this. It helps me and it’s what I needed to read to remind me of all those points you shared and questions you asked. My oldest daughter the eldest one that identifies as Non. Binary and Trans and Gay (the younger one does too), is leaving for college tomorrow and I am filled with anxiety, sadness, grief that I’ve wasted this past 20 months on trying to save her or maybe just worried that I wouldn’t save her. You’re right though, I can’t save her. This is her journey and I want to be a loving support for her even as she stumbles down this road of life, like we all do. Thanks for all your writing. I’m going to sign up for paid subscription because of this essay and because I want to support people that I believe are helping so many. ❤️🙏
“if you had a good relationship with your kid before this, if this isn’t about trauma or same-sex attraction, then odds are, this is about individuation.” This is us. Also, fun fact-- “Maggie” is Jamie’s therapist. Thank you for this thought-provoker!! 💖
My pleasure! "I didn't want to be yours anymore" is the title of that WL episode. I think this is the thought going through so many of our daughters' heads. It's a painful one, until we recognize it as normal individuation. Then the best we can do is to navigate this with care and consciousness. Or I guess there's the "nuclear option" approach...
Ah, yeah there's the theme. I tell my daughter these days, "go individuate, honey." I used to say, "go play in traffic." 🥸 I joke! Ba dump dump. But yes—here's to us not needing the nuclear option. I don't have an ancestral homeland with non-gendered pronouns anyway. Do you? 🤷🏻♀️
Nope. I went for Smalltown, RS and most would say it backfired on us. Ha!!
oy vey i remember now. taking Jamie to the Caribbean soon. but now after reading your piece i am reminded to loosen my death grip on the fantasy of desistance and just go with the flow. 🥰
I wrote a piece about this. It's an older one titled, "Magic" The gist was essentially to "loosen our death grip" on our expectations for family adventures and "go with the flow" allowing and looking for the magic. ;) Somehow, I suspect this comes pretty naturally to you? I know how this destabilizing experience can rob us, at least temporarily, of practices we'd already developed.
Sharing your tears! Thank you.
I'm with you, Sam. And not far behind you with my high school senior daughter. Tears. Here's to finding the joy - and the trust.
I think there are a lot of valuable points here. I agree about this being about individuation for some kids. No doubt.
The stumbling block, for me anyway, is that it is such unhealthy individuation.
If your daughter decided to break away from the family and achieve independence by
Joining a religious cult
Becoming a heroin-addicted sex worker
Marrying a physically abusive man
these are all unhealthy things that any sane parent would try to influence and stop.
For most families, it’s not simple individuation that they need to accept -- it’s the self-harm that they see coming down the tracks. Of course any sane person wants to push her child out of the way of the freight train.
And yes, if the child is trying to break away, even in a unhealthy way, trying to stop her might cause her to want to break away even more.
But something is gnawing at me a bit here. Letting go might be all a parent _can_ do, but it still feels very wrong, it still feel like enabling harm to come to your child, and it still hurts like hell.
Thank you for lifting this up; I think this is why I was hesitating to publish. These thoughts went through my mind. This is the hardest thing to describe, but I think it's about the energy. It's also why I said there are other conditions to this experiment and qualified the moms that I think would benefit most from this post. If the point is individuation, then maybe this is the way. But there's more to "the way."
Notice I never said I "don't care" if my daughter transitions. She knows I care very much, but she also knows I can't stop her. Right now, she does not seem to be "moving toward" this thing. If my focus is on that thing, I think it keeps her focus on that thing.
I think marrying a physically abusive man or becoming a heroin-addicted sex worker is not a likely outcome of a child who grew up with healthy attachment. The only scenario I grappled with was religious cult which MAY be a bit trickier and we all recognize the similarities. What I'm going for is "secure attachment." When there's secure attachment, there's influence (as in Control vs. Influence); if she senses I'm trying to control her, I trigger her counterwill. The energy I bring to the influence matters. Attachment comes up here too--or detachment. The bottom line that I've communicated is, "You know I don't think this is a good idea and you know why. I know I can't control you. I trust you to think through your decisions."
"Enabling harm" frankly seems way off. If I've done all I could to inoculate my child and have clearly communicated my values, then there comes a point where I have to let go and trust she'll figure things out. I'm also now modeling what I want for her. I think there's much wisdom in "being the change" rather than trying to change someone else--maybe especially when we're dealing with our adult children. There's so much more to this, but now I'm concerned I didn't communicate this clearly enough in this piece.
Again, thanks for lifting this so I could try to better explain. If you're game, I'd love to continue this "conversation" until it feels less "gnawing." :)
I think you communicated it clearly! I just wanted to give you the feedback on the point where I felt uneasy because I suspect other people might react like “how could I possibly let go of this? She’s hurting herself.”
Also… I think there are forces that secure attachment (as important as that is!) can’t protect you from, because if you’re going to become separate from parents, in that process of living your own life you’ll be exposed to some bad options.
Depending on your own wiring and weaknesses (I now believe) and not the great parenting you might have received, you’ll be more or less vulnerable to certain things.
For example, while neither my husband nor I have any substance use problems and we modeled responsible (almost no) drinking at home, we also had in our extended family people who were problem drinkers. Without being exposed to those people, and without being exposed to problem drinking at home, and despite being raised in a nurturing environment, one child struggles with substances.
I think a kid who is raised with stable nurturing parents is more likely to have inherited their stable nurturing wiring — so maybe they’re less likely to marry a physically abusive person. But was it the parenting or their inherited wiring?
Being raised in a chaotic home is also probably correlated with inheriting some of that unstable wiring yourself so you might grow up unstable.
Like red hair, though, unfortunate genetic wiring can skip a generation.
“Blueprint” by Robert Plomin changed my mind on a lot of these things. I no longer think my good parenting (while by no means worthless) had the beneficial effects I believed going in!
When I was a younger mother and more focused on secure attachment, attachment parenting, etc., as the key to “excellent parenting” (partly because I had very neglectful and harmful /hurtful parents), I think I invested too much power and faith in this style of parenting. I believed it was nurture (as opposed to nature) that was more likely to give my kids good outcomes.
But now I believe, a lot of times, really good parenting can’t protect kids from their own weaknesses or bad choices. A lot of times, really crummy parenting can’t destroy kids who are naturally resilient.
Maybe what I’m saying is, when I was younger, I thought the type of parenting I provided was going to provide all these benefits and protection to my kids and now I don’t believe that.
I have one really flourishing child, who I think would be flourishing no matter what I’d done. I have one really struggling child, who I think would be struggling no matter what I’d done.
If anything, if I could go back in time and have some do-overs, I wish I had less faith in the ability of a loving home to “conquer all” and prevent problems. Looking back, I wish I’d not given the struggling access to the internet. I wish I’d supervised a little more what he was doing with his friends.
I wish I’d had less faith in my own loving parenting and more faith in the power of protecting a kid from his own Achilles heel.
So… these are my own experiences and biases talking and it doesn’t even relate to gender. It relates to substance use. So take it with a grain of salt.
Looking back I wish I’d interfered more rather than less in trying to “save my kid from himself” even as a young adult when (if everything had been going well) obviously the right thing to do would be to have let go and let maturation unfold naturally).
Hm I guess I’m saying it’s really hard. I don’t pretend to have any right answers. I agree with you that parents mustn’t let a trans ID overshadow any other happy moments, or define a continuing trans ID as failure. Letting the kid go is hard though.
I'm really glad you shared this here!
"But now I believe, a lot of times, really good parenting can’t protect kids from their own weaknesses or bad choices. A lot of times, really crummy parenting can’t destroy kids who are naturally resilient." I think this is incredibly important for moms here to read.
I have lots of siblings and we are on a clear spectrum of healthy vs unhealthy adult lifestyles. Though most (including myself; I certainly engaged in some "bad options" that were downright dangerous) found our way back to relatively healthy (usually based on who they chose as partners--which is also interesting to me.) I have one brother in his 40s who's wicked smart, good work ethic, etc. who continues to struggle pretty badly with addiction. My mom remains "caring, supportive, and available" and that's all she really can do. And I know it's painful for her. And she's amazing! She's my model of resilience; someone who laughs and feels lots of love & joy, who we sometimes call "Elf" because she still seems engaged in childlike awe & wonder daily.
There's some definite wiring (nature) involved here. As you said, "letting the kid go" is really hard. And it doesn't mean you're cutting them out, pushing them away. It just means letting them figure some things out the hard way--because that's what they are demanding. Btw, I suspect if you'd tried to control your child's internet access, he probably would have found ways to get to it anyway.
Problems are part of life. This may be where I have some radical opinions also. I suspect my oldest is headed for some painful problems AND I’m pretty sure she’ll figure her shit out. I've dealt with damned painful problems in my life, this being the most painful. And life is rich.
I think I see quite a few flourishing detransitioners out there. I have another brother that was once an addict that most would say is flourishing now. I don't wish a problem-free life for my kids (and I'm not saying you did) and flourishing may not be a continuous state; and sometimes overcoming some really difficult things is what gets us there. To me, both my kids look like they’re flourishing now, but I’d probably get push back for that too because my daughter still IDs!
Of course, I hope she continues to flourish. I can’t control whether she will or not; I can only do my best to influence and in the end, the painful aspects of her life will be painful for me too. I will feel deep sadness AND I’ll continue to enjoy the results of training for that marathon.
I don't know who it was that originally said they wanted to be the lighthouse. That jumping in a rowboat during the storm to paddle after your kid to try to rescue them is more likely to just take you down too. I think I’m just saying, “let’s be lighthouses.”
I appreciate you!!
The lighthouse quote came from a parent at the first Wider Lens Consulting retreat. Stella mentioned it in the first GWL podcast of the season. So powerful; I now have a picture of a lighthouse with a small rowboat in stormy seas posted in my kitchen as a reminder - to not dive in with her. Lisa M's suggestion that parents of teens WAIT (think "why am I talking?") is also helpful.
Thank you for the source! I think that episode may be where I heard it. I love that description of your picture. I also love WAIT. I'd learned that actually in a totally different context long ago but had a mom I work with remind me of it. It's definitely helpful!
That's awesome!
I appreciate you too, truly!
And “let’s be lighthouses”—great metaphor. :)
I do agree with that. I agree too that to do otherwise might take you down too.
It’s so hard to watch an adult kid do destructive things. (Beyond, “bad choices” but flat-out destructive.) For me it really does feel like a failure, even if intellectually I know it’s not.
Curious what your thoughts are on things like Enneagram? Or other personality profiling tools like Strengsthfinder?
I’m not sure. I think the five-factor model (FFM) of personality is valid and can inform people of their own strengths and tendencies— but then again, most people are already aware of their own strengths and tendencies! So how much does it really tell you?
Other things. Like Meyers-Briggs, Enneagram, Strengthsfinder, are less scientific but can still tell you things about yourself ( but again, things that you probably already knew).
Maybe it depends on how self-aware a person is to start with, and then what they do with this knowledge!
Why do you ask?
Thank you for "But now I believe, a lot of times, really good parenting can’t protect kids from their own weaknesses or bad choices. A lot of times, really crummy parenting can’t destroy kids who are naturally resilient." I have two
neurodivergent kids with no resilience, so the challenge is real. And because my trans ID daughter didn't get her diagnosis until 4 years after trans-ID started, my parenting style pre-diagnosis was only helping to push her away. For my girl this is so much more than individuation.
Every person's situation is so different. I wish you all the best, EcoMom.
I'm very curious to know more. Would you mind sharing the diagnosis and what you think your girl is trying to accomplish? If not, I totally understand. If you're open but would rather not share here, you also can always email me at stoicmom@protonmail.com
I think at its core, my daughter's trans ID serves as an explanation for her body hate and her social awkwardness / being "different".
(I'll explain further via email.)
I've been slowly coming around to this now that my transIDd 18 YO daughter is off to college. Her very presence sends me into a tailspin so I'm hoping that the geographical distance between us will enable me to enjoy life more and free her up to continue her exploration - even if it doesn't look like exploration to me......
This work we're doing is not for the faint of heart! Sounds like you're training for that marathon. ;)
"Sends me into a tailspin" sounds like something is triggering you. If I could make a suggestion it would be to better understand what is causing you to tailspin...
Our family has been at this almost two years with our son and I have come to realize what you say is true. I have tried more often to be in the moment and enjoy the jokes and laughs with my son instead of worrying constantly about what his future will be. Thanks for all you do.
"Laughing juries don't convict." I loved when I heard this from the father of a transIDed girl. Every time my family laughs together, I remember this line. I also make sure I'm fully present and soaking up that moment of joy and love!
Great advice and I hope I can follow it soon. For me it's too fresh and the grief is in full force. I've only been part of this nightmare for 4 months and 16 days. I wish I never knew. Sadness and anger are the only emotions right now. But I hear you. I hope to find myself laughing and enjoying art again soon. Just not sure how soon that will be.
The grief is part of the process--an important part! It is a walk through darkness; you can even think of it as the dark forest that Joseph Campbell describes, and you're on your hero's journey. It takes work to find the light again. I'm glad you found your way here, and I hope my work helps you to know you can do it.
I do link my form to a free discovery session a couple times in the piece. If you think you could use some 1:1 support with this, I'm here.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say to your kid who is out of your control is "I trust you to make good choices and do the right thing."
I went off to college 5 months after my 17th birthday (in 1983). I remember talking to my parents on the phone and describing parties full of alcohol (the fraternities had "little sister" recruitment parties where what was on the poster was which strong sweet mixed drink they were serving) and they laid that line on me. I hung up thinking "They trust me to do the right thing. Now I have to do the right thing!"
Yes! This is the approach I have shifted to. Thank you Julia! It feels like a little less of an experiment now. ;) And I think me going about enjoying my life further communicates that faith in her, "I don't worry about you making the wrong choice..."
My parents did it to good effect almost 40 years ago. I remember watching the girls whose parents had really tried to control their lives - they were the most likely to spin out of control.
I spent the first year of this feeling like there was an oncoming train about to crush my daughter, and that I needed to pull her off the tracks. I was literally dumping adrenaline all the time, with my pulse in the high double digits, as if my fight or flight response was constantly activated. Slowly, I've come to agree with you. My child is, as a friend put it, a product of her place and time. Maybe there was point when I could have headed this off--but truly, with a 9-month lockdown, middle school, puberty, a need to individuate, a rash of "trans" kids at her school and in our community, internet influencers, and her own likely neuro-atypical makeup... Well, did I ever stand a chance? Did she? The moment we started dealing with her very real depression, cracks in the trans facade appeared. Occasional talk of detransition, feeling feminine, dreaming that she "misgendered herself," speculation that she might just be a lesbian, and lately, joking about a choice to wear a feminine outfit complete with eyeliner and earrings as "going in drag." Rather than get hopeful about these changes, I'm determined to meditate, work out, enjoy my job, have dinner with my family, walk the dog...and just live. I already pushed one train off the tracks: I fired the therapist who wanted her to start on testosterone (at 13!!), and whose weekly therapy sessions ended in a depressed child fixated on transition. I drew a bright line: legal name and gender changes and medicalizing would be for her to decide and for her to arrange, as an adult. If it's that important for her to have a new name and gender on her birth certificate, well, she'll need to put in the effort and not expect mom and dad to do it.
Now maybe we can have a picnic on the tracks, with any trains years and years away. Perhaps we can make life off the tracks interesting and enticing. Maybe, now that we are leaving most of the pandemic restrictions behind, we can enjoy the clubs and activities and all the rest whose absence fueled this. Or so I hope.
Thank you so much for sharing this! Our children are a product of their place and time AND if we can clearly communicate our values and then trust in the foundation we gave them and in the connection we've nurtured, then at some point we have to put our trust in them to find their way--hopefully off the tracks.
Just reading this a year later and it is magnificent. I know I can't completely let go of the feeling that I messed up somehow, but I am giving myself permission to push it to the side just a little bit. I guess it allows me to hang on to hope that a door will open and I can be let back in.
We all mess up! But neither you nor I nor any mother reading this is responsible for our child's adopted identity. What's within our power is to keep our door open and a warm fire in the hearth to welcome them home. And in the meantime, become the human we'd like to see them become. Thanks for taking the time to comment! <3
Thank you for your insightful essay. You are a mom of a daughter and tell us"Remember, the world doesn’t need martyrs, and our daughters need models. Let’s rock womanhood in a way they want for themselves."
What would you say to moms of SONS when their father has passed away, so there is not a father to role model a manhood to help the son emulate? It's only a mother and a son.
I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing and can only imagine the extra levels of challenge contributing to the trauma of this circumstance. In the words of Kristin Neff, "sometimes our only refuge is self-compassion." I think many of us don't know what this means or how to do it. I hope you can give yourself some grace and be okay with just being human. We're all doing the best we can. I'd say, "hang in there, Mama!" and please take good care of yourself. Work on letting go of what you can't control.
My kid is failing in life. Its painful to watch. Making bad choices and suffering from them. Getting divorced, close to homelessness, underemployed, no car. It's hard to really focus on hobbies and feel great when kids not doing well. It's just sad.
I imagine that can't feel good. It sounds like your kid may not feel a sense of meaning and purpose; a state that's pretty common among young adults these days. I hope that changes for your kid at some point. What about you? Do you have a sense of meaning and purpose? Do you have things in your life that make you feel alive?
Thanks for replying StoicMom. After a last minute visit to him over Thanksgiving, that turned out to be very sad and very difficult, and he called me out on not using his name and pronouns, something changed and I think I am finally in the acceptance stage of grief, although we know grief is not linear.
Acceptance that he may never change, he is captured and suffers from multiple comorbidities. I have accepted that he may leave me at some point, estrange from me, or worse. I am trying to separate myself from the outcome, although we know it's not entirely possible as a mom.
After all that Sasha, Stella and Lisa have talked about focusing on your own life, I am finally really trying to do that, although he is still the first thing on my mind before I open my eyes in the morning. I am fighting for myself.
I started a goals or dream journal while visiting him and we had just said some really hard things that caused pain. I decided I will work hard on me this year, even though my son will run out of money in 2 weeks, and he has temporary housing. What a dichotomy: me seeking happiness while my child sinks further.
I have prayed that in his sinking to rock bottom, that God will meet him there, a substrate to push off of and lift himself out of. I know it's the only way out: his own strength. He told me he is getting tired... all I can do is love. It may or may not be enough.
While I struggle with meaning and purpose, I know what has made me feel alive in the past: backpacking, travel, teaching and helping others. I will try to take steps to focus on those so I can be strong for me first, and for him. Thank you for asking StoicMom.
Sounds like you're focused on what you can control--the quality of your own experience. By doing this work, you also model for your son. I believe it's the best you can do.
If you find yourself needing community support, please consider joining our online learning community by becoming a Founding Member. We meet monthly and support each other to do the inner work you're describing. Wishing you all the best in this extremely difficult "curriculum of the soul."
"Perceiving a higher path" and deciding to do the work to get there is the hardest part. I had a conversation with someone recently who said she'd, "accepted the project." There is indeed freedom and joy when you reach that path. You're on your way now. I'll be publishing a helpful concepts lesson soon on meaning and purpose! :) I know it's incredibly painful, and you have immense capacity to overcome pain. This is the human spirit. We're made for this.
Hey there, I’m Maggy Goldsmith. Great Wider Lens interview last week. So spot on in so many ways! We should talk sometime.
asteredelsmid@gmail.com
I sent an email a few days ago. Sometimes they go to spam, so I wanted to make sure you saw it?
Is there an email where I can reach you?
Yes! I'll reach out via email.