WOW, Stoic Mom, I've been reading and listening to your publications for a while and just came across this article. THANK YOU so much for pouring your heart out and sharing your words of wisdom-this has really touched my heart. Our thought processes and life journeys have even more in common than I thought. I've also learned so much over the past 8 years from Dr. Brad Reedy, his podcast is "Finding You". He recently retired from running a wilderness therapy program for challenged adolescents, but is now focusing on coaching parents: the best way to help their struggling children is to live by example and "work through" their own issues, instead of trying to control their children's outcomes. It seems these are your thoughts and coaching messages too. The hardest part of this journey is recognizing and letting go of what we can't control and working on what we can control, and how we respond/react to all of these. Still, learning this is so much easier than actually accepting and living it. The reminder to practice reframing circumstances truly helps when we get thrown "off course". Thank you!
Your publications are so inspirational-thank you! It's sinking into my stubborn thoughts more and more: Grant me the serenity...
Oh my! I'd never heard of Dr. Brad Reedy, but I looked him up because of this comment, and I wholeheartedly align with everything I've heard him say in the few short video clips I've watched so far. Yes. I call it the Paradox of Motherhood; using destabilizing parenting experiences to grow ourselves up. It is the same idea as his "Journey of the Heroic Parent." Thank you! I'll check out his podcast. And thank you for these words of gratitude and encouragement. I'm so glad you've found comfort and support from the content here at the SMP! Hang in there, Mama. Sounds like you're doing what you need to be doing and finding you?
Hanging in there and working on it-I understand, most days, that I'm a work in progress, and this is a life-long process. I truly appreciate you putting yourself out there and sharing your wisdom and experiences with us. It's also so helpful to hear your interviews with other moms that parenting trans-identified kids. Our children are our greatest teachers about ourselves.
Interesting! The CTFAR model reminds me of a communication frame I learned wayyyy back in the 80s at a personal growth workshop in the Canadian Gulf Islands. It has always stuck with me and been a powerful tool to practice throughout my life. This was more about how to communicate difficult things with another person and create openings, but it follows a similar path of self-awareness. It originated from Gestalt therapy, and it evolved from the original as I used it over the years. I added the last step about "wants." It could be helpful for parents navigating these waters with their kids, so feel free to make use of it or research its origins. In this model, you go from communicating a Perception (similar to "circumstance" describing something factual gleaned through the senses) to Thoughts (or judgements) to Feelings, to Wants. The process works if you switch the order of judgements and feelings as well. The important thing is to separate these pieces, as the Serenity Prayer also asks us to do: "the wisdom to know the difference." At every point, the person speaking is taking ownership of her subjective experience, which may or may not be the experience of the other person--so if there is a disconnect, it can be discussed along the way, which can open things up. But it starts with something as objective as possible. An example would be: "I SEE that your arms are crossed as we are talking. That leads me to THINK (or judge or believe) that you are angry at me and not open to anything I have to say. I do FEEL a little angry myself, which is why I was yelling a few minutes ago--but mostly I FEEL frightened and very alone. I WANT to understand you, but mostly I WANT to feel close to you again."
Good stuff! This actually reminds me of what I call "needs-based communication" based off of Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication--which is a name I have come to dislike due to our current cultural state of claiming that words are violent. It's my understanding he was often brought in to solve conflicts between warring governments. I dove in when I learned my daughter thought I wasn't "listening" to her. What a different world this might be if we were all able to identify and articulate our needs, eh? I love that you're here sharing wisdom and tools with us!
For my daughter, I will often use the words, "The story I'm telling myself right now is..." you don't want to talk, you think I'm being unreasonable, whatever--checking my assumptions and giving her the opportunity to tell me her actual thoughts and feelings.
Oh thanks, I am happy to share whatever I can! Learning more about the stoics, it seems that human wisdom gets repackaged and reprocessed generation after generation. What is most important is that it is shared, not branded! Another powerful frame that has the same result can be found in Vipassana meditation because it is all about observing sensations, thoughts, and feelings. The deepest insight comes when we realize experientially that it all passes and that we must accept reality as it is. How difficult to do though when what is happening feels so unacceptable. That is the icy storm, the valley of the shadow of death.
So much THIS. It seems humans rediscover the same patterns and tools to support their human experiences. It's my belief these tools help us communicate more effectively and change the world by modeling how to change our internal world.
"The deepest insight comes when we realize experientially that it all passes and that we must accept reality as it is. How difficult to do though when what is happening feels so unacceptable." Amen. It's a painful process to travel through the icy storm, the valley of the shadow of death. As Lisa talks about in our interview "Be the Change..." can we get good at negative emotions?
WOW, Stoic Mom, I've been reading and listening to your publications for a while and just came across this article. THANK YOU so much for pouring your heart out and sharing your words of wisdom-this has really touched my heart. Our thought processes and life journeys have even more in common than I thought. I've also learned so much over the past 8 years from Dr. Brad Reedy, his podcast is "Finding You". He recently retired from running a wilderness therapy program for challenged adolescents, but is now focusing on coaching parents: the best way to help their struggling children is to live by example and "work through" their own issues, instead of trying to control their children's outcomes. It seems these are your thoughts and coaching messages too. The hardest part of this journey is recognizing and letting go of what we can't control and working on what we can control, and how we respond/react to all of these. Still, learning this is so much easier than actually accepting and living it. The reminder to practice reframing circumstances truly helps when we get thrown "off course". Thank you!
Your publications are so inspirational-thank you! It's sinking into my stubborn thoughts more and more: Grant me the serenity...
Oh my! I'd never heard of Dr. Brad Reedy, but I looked him up because of this comment, and I wholeheartedly align with everything I've heard him say in the few short video clips I've watched so far. Yes. I call it the Paradox of Motherhood; using destabilizing parenting experiences to grow ourselves up. It is the same idea as his "Journey of the Heroic Parent." Thank you! I'll check out his podcast. And thank you for these words of gratitude and encouragement. I'm so glad you've found comfort and support from the content here at the SMP! Hang in there, Mama. Sounds like you're doing what you need to be doing and finding you?
Hanging in there and working on it-I understand, most days, that I'm a work in progress, and this is a life-long process. I truly appreciate you putting yourself out there and sharing your wisdom and experiences with us. It's also so helpful to hear your interviews with other moms that parenting trans-identified kids. Our children are our greatest teachers about ourselves.
Interesting! The CTFAR model reminds me of a communication frame I learned wayyyy back in the 80s at a personal growth workshop in the Canadian Gulf Islands. It has always stuck with me and been a powerful tool to practice throughout my life. This was more about how to communicate difficult things with another person and create openings, but it follows a similar path of self-awareness. It originated from Gestalt therapy, and it evolved from the original as I used it over the years. I added the last step about "wants." It could be helpful for parents navigating these waters with their kids, so feel free to make use of it or research its origins. In this model, you go from communicating a Perception (similar to "circumstance" describing something factual gleaned through the senses) to Thoughts (or judgements) to Feelings, to Wants. The process works if you switch the order of judgements and feelings as well. The important thing is to separate these pieces, as the Serenity Prayer also asks us to do: "the wisdom to know the difference." At every point, the person speaking is taking ownership of her subjective experience, which may or may not be the experience of the other person--so if there is a disconnect, it can be discussed along the way, which can open things up. But it starts with something as objective as possible. An example would be: "I SEE that your arms are crossed as we are talking. That leads me to THINK (or judge or believe) that you are angry at me and not open to anything I have to say. I do FEEL a little angry myself, which is why I was yelling a few minutes ago--but mostly I FEEL frightened and very alone. I WANT to understand you, but mostly I WANT to feel close to you again."
I hadn't reviewed the NVC model in awhile. It's pretty much this same frame that you share: https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/4part_nvc_process.pdf
I should add this to SM's Essential Concepts!
Cool. I would guess that this was born from the work of the early Gestalt thinkers.
Good stuff! This actually reminds me of what I call "needs-based communication" based off of Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication--which is a name I have come to dislike due to our current cultural state of claiming that words are violent. It's my understanding he was often brought in to solve conflicts between warring governments. I dove in when I learned my daughter thought I wasn't "listening" to her. What a different world this might be if we were all able to identify and articulate our needs, eh? I love that you're here sharing wisdom and tools with us!
For my daughter, I will often use the words, "The story I'm telling myself right now is..." you don't want to talk, you think I'm being unreasonable, whatever--checking my assumptions and giving her the opportunity to tell me her actual thoughts and feelings.
Oh thanks, I am happy to share whatever I can! Learning more about the stoics, it seems that human wisdom gets repackaged and reprocessed generation after generation. What is most important is that it is shared, not branded! Another powerful frame that has the same result can be found in Vipassana meditation because it is all about observing sensations, thoughts, and feelings. The deepest insight comes when we realize experientially that it all passes and that we must accept reality as it is. How difficult to do though when what is happening feels so unacceptable. That is the icy storm, the valley of the shadow of death.
So much THIS. It seems humans rediscover the same patterns and tools to support their human experiences. It's my belief these tools help us communicate more effectively and change the world by modeling how to change our internal world.
"The deepest insight comes when we realize experientially that it all passes and that we must accept reality as it is. How difficult to do though when what is happening feels so unacceptable." Amen. It's a painful process to travel through the icy storm, the valley of the shadow of death. As Lisa talks about in our interview "Be the Change..." can we get good at negative emotions?