Interesting! The CTFAR model reminds me of a communication frame I learned wayyyy back in the 80s at a personal growth workshop in the Canadian Gulf Islands. It has always stuck with me and been a powerful tool to practice throughout my life. This was more about how to communicate difficult things with another person and create openings, but it follows a similar path of self-awareness. It originated from Gestalt therapy, and it evolved from the original as I used it over the years. I added the last step about "wants." It could be helpful for parents navigating these waters with their kids, so feel free to make use of it or research its origins. In this model, you go from communicating a Perception (similar to "circumstance" describing something factual gleaned through the senses) to Thoughts (or judgements) to Feelings, to Wants. The process works if you switch the order of judgements and feelings as well. The important thing is to separate these pieces, as the Serenity Prayer also asks us to do: "the wisdom to know the difference." At every point, the person speaking is taking ownership of her subjective experience, which may or may not be the experience of the other person--so if there is a disconnect, it can be discussed along the way, which can open things up. But it starts with something as objective as possible. An example would be: "I SEE that your arms are crossed as we are talking. That leads me to THINK (or judge or believe) that you are angry at me and not open to anything I have to say. I do FEEL a little angry myself, which is why I was yelling a few minutes ago--but mostly I FEEL frightened and very alone. I WANT to understand you, but mostly I WANT to feel close to you again."
Interesting! The CTFAR model reminds me of a communication frame I learned wayyyy back in the 80s at a personal growth workshop in the Canadian Gulf Islands. It has always stuck with me and been a powerful tool to practice throughout my life. This was more about how to communicate difficult things with another person and create openings, but it follows a similar path of self-awareness. It originated from Gestalt therapy, and it evolved from the original as I used it over the years. I added the last step about "wants." It could be helpful for parents navigating these waters with their kids, so feel free to make use of it or research its origins. In this model, you go from communicating a Perception (similar to "circumstance" describing something factual gleaned through the senses) to Thoughts (or judgements) to Feelings, to Wants. The process works if you switch the order of judgements and feelings as well. The important thing is to separate these pieces, as the Serenity Prayer also asks us to do: "the wisdom to know the difference." At every point, the person speaking is taking ownership of her subjective experience, which may or may not be the experience of the other person--so if there is a disconnect, it can be discussed along the way, which can open things up. But it starts with something as objective as possible. An example would be: "I SEE that your arms are crossed as we are talking. That leads me to THINK (or judge or believe) that you are angry at me and not open to anything I have to say. I do FEEL a little angry myself, which is why I was yelling a few minutes ago--but mostly I FEEL frightened and very alone. I WANT to understand you, but mostly I WANT to feel close to you again."