Dear Mama of a TI Kid,
(finding a way forward)
I want you to know that I remember the destabilization, the rage, the desperation I felt when I realized I couldn't change the circumstances that were wreaking havoc on my once totally normal, happily-liberal household.
When I discovered my daughter's trans-identity, I found myself obsessed with what was happening in the world, and the more I learned, the more terrified I became. I operated from a place of fear, feeling completely impotent to make the madness stop and return my family to its pre-mydaughterthinksshe'saboy stage.
When I could barely drag myself out of bed in the morning, and the intensely painful feelings became too much for me to bear, it hit me that there was no way back! And I knew I had to figure something else out. I just could not go on this way. Clearly, what I was doing wasn't working for me or my loved ones. I had to regain a sense of agency. I discovered Stoicism and worked hard to consciously apply the principles to my life.
Rather than let it destroy me, I decided to use this circumstance to develop into a stronger, more compassionate, wiser human that could tolerate the messiest things life might throw my way. (Does it get any messier than this? Let's hope not.) What I discovered was that reorienting in this way did more than just restore my sanity, it added so much richness and color into my life!
I recognized I had more agency than before and things that once scared me now intrigued me, because I'd learned there was gold to be discovered in the discomfort. I found gratitude for the growth this circumstance demanded of me, along with faith in my very human capacity to always find a way forward. Life became, well--more beautiful and vibrant than it had ever been before.
And this change in me had a surprising effect on my loved ones (including my trans-identified daughter) and my surroundings--or at least my experience of them. More on that in a future post…
There are many ways to describe this process of change that occurred in me (that took a dark night of the soul to inspire) but it sure felt like an evolution of sorts--certainly of my own consciousness. Life will continue to invite us to grow and evolve, but once you experience "the Obstacle is the Way" orientation to life, uncomfortable, messy circumstances just aren't as scary. They become opportunities to develop more agency, more wisdom, more self-awareness, more consciousness, more intimacy, more resilience, more...truly I could go on.
What is Life inviting you to develop in yourself right now? I hope you listen to the call and trust your very human capacity to find a way forward!
Love,
StoicMom
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Your daughter never medicalized, correct? Perhaps the destabilization, rage and desperation you experienced were less intense than that of parents who have to see their daughter with a beard or comfort her after a double mastectomy. I'm happy you missed out on that.
Thank you, Stoic Mom, for your continued messages of hope and inspiration. You are truly an inspiration even on very dark days when it's hard to get out of bed and carry on.
My daughter has been on T for over 2 years, has hair growing on her chin, a deep voice, and had her healthy breasts removed this past December. I keep telling myself "They're only boobs" but can't let go. She hasn't given truly informed consent and is most likely sterilized, although she believes she will never want to have a family. Hoping that typing this out will help me leave it behind and move on...