Changing your Experience

We’ve launched monthly themes within the online community. This just happened, but April has retroactively been dubbed: Radical Acceptance Month. This theme kept coming up, probably initially inspired by a special guest we had in March, veteran parent coach, Scott Noelle, and some of the resources he shared with us. 

We pursued this theme more deeply in our April monthly Zoom meet-up with a rich discussion that included a personal story (that I may write up as a reflection,) as well as practicing applying acceptance strategies to a member’s personal situation. I’ve since had a couple of coaching clients share their growth experiences with me, testifying to the power of acceptance. This has all helped me recognize that this is also when my own experience shifted. What we resist persists. The worst moments of suffering for me were when I was steeped in resistant thoughts: 

“I should never have let me kid spend so much time online.”

“Schools should not be teaching gender ideology.” 

“Doctors should not be altering the bodies of healthy children.” 

“The world should not be the way it is!” 

Noticing the themes here? You may already know that any time the word “should” shows up in a sentence, you’re likely having a thought that is resistant to the reality of the situation you’re in. Regardless of whether these are true statements, do they help me proceed in creative ways that feel productive? Even reading them now, the way they feel in my body is gross and depressing. My chest tightens and a sense of desperation fills me. They transport me right back to that period in my life when I went to bed each night gripped with anxiety, wishing the morning wouldn’t come so I didn’t have to drag myself out of bed just to experience another day of demoralizing impotence. 

This Substack is filled with stories of my personal experience, but I think it can be really helpful to hear from other moms who describe how different life feels on the other side of acceptance. 

This powerful awareness is shared with permission from the author:

You said something else a few weeks ago that really helped me. You said I hadn’t yet made peace with my daughter’s identity exploration. That was hugely helpful, because it led me to realize that I was resisting her exploration, and resistance is the opposite of acceptance. And my understanding of acceptance has been transformed, too. Acceptance doesn’t mean we’re going to be stuck here forever. It just means here is where we are right now. This is the starting point. And now I can reclaim the energy and resources I was investing in resistance and put them to better use—in moving the ball forward, in doing what I can through love, wisdom, intuition, patience, and trust, to shepherd my daughter through her exploration.

And this beautiful essay was submitted as a testimonial. Note the shift in the quality of experience:

The Power of Acceptance

I live with a family who is very much bought into the current gender ideology narrative. I have a son who likes to wear dresses sometimes, and plays with they/them pronouns. The real friction, however, is between me and my wife. She is fully on board with supporting trans rights in every way and an endless parade of genders, while I embrace the biological fact that there are two sexes. Trying to get my family to see and accept and maybe even adopt my point of view has been a study in futility. I can't change them and they can't change me. This led to a lot of arguing and name-calling between me and my wife to the point where our marriage was in jeopardy. All the tension and fighting led to fear and confusion in our children.

StoicMom helped me figure out how to change the dance in our household from anger and hostility to one of connection and enjoyment again. The Stoic philosophy that she embraces sees the "obstacle as the way". There is opportunity in every difficulty if we are willing to accept the challenge. StoicMom helped me navigate the path to accepting what I cannot change with steadiness, compassion, and humor.

I haven't changed my perspective on gender, and neither has anyone in my family. But by fully accepting the reality that they believe what they believe, and not needing to be "right" about my views or to change their views, we have shifted away from gender being the only topic to it being not really important at all. Both of my children are happier and less anxious. My relationship with my wife has improved to where we are steady in our marriage and committed to staying together. We argue less in general overall. And we have fun again! I have deeper and more loving connections with both my children.

Here's the truth: Accepting what we cannot change is not easy (and by "not easy" I mean it takes sustained effort, humility and determination to unwind deeply ingrained patterns and habits) but it is the most meaningful and rewarding work we can do. I started this journey resenting that I had to accept their "wrong" viewpoints. I resented that I had to be the one to change. I resented that my opinions were not going to be heard (of course, they weren't being heard before). StoicMom helped me maneuver the landmines of my resentments and anger with finesse and insight and a lot of different tools. And when I started to experience the shifts that were happening as I did the work in spite of my initial resistance, I was hooked. The results speak for themselves.

Acceptance doesn’t mean complacency. It’s about getting real with where we are right in this moment, so we can stop being stuck in resistance and move forward in ways that feel productive. It doesn’t mean that Life will be all peachy on the other side either, it just allows your creative channels to open as you loosen your grip on those things that are outside of your control and get better at recognizing those resistant thoughts that keep you stuck. It’s also about creating skills to sooth yourself when resistant thoughts creep back up–because they will. It’s all part of this pesky (but wondrous) experience of being human! 

There is a definite grief process we need to move through to let go of the vision we had for this phase of our parenting experience, but if it’s been months or even years of a life filled with fear and anger, it’s quite possible you’re stuck somewhere in that process and could benefit from some conscious work around acceptance. There are curated resources in the community, but you could also Google to find plenty of free resources on dealing with grief, finding radical acceptance, creating mindfulness practices…  If you feel that you’ve been robbed of vitality as of late, if your long, dark night of the soul seems never-ending, I strongly encourage this work. 

Photo by Tran Mau Tri Tam ✪ on Unsplash

May’s theme in the SMP Center will be one of my favorite topics: Self-Compassion. I’m excited to share resources and inspiration for developing a practice of gentle care for our own emotional needs!