I read 3rd Factor and came upon this theory about a year ago when I started my deep dive into researching gender. Thank you for bringing it back into my view. It is a helpful way to understand what my daughter may be experiencing and has provided me with some self reflection.
I also suspect many mothers are experiencing disintegration right now also! It's so important to "perceive a higher path" and model the courage to become butterflies ourselves. ;)
I have a question for Jessie, but maybe you can answer it too, Stoic Mom? After reading Third Factor intensely and listening to these interviews with Jessie, I think that understanding Dabrowski's theory may be a game changer for my child.
I am now wondering if there are books I could recommend to her that are right for teenagers. I would just show her Third Factor magazine, but since the magazine recently tackled the topic of gender, I suspect she'd stumble upon those articles immediately and dismiss my recommendation as an attempt to get her to desist.
While I don't believe the identity she has chosen for herself is right for her, that is not my goal. She has adopted gender identity theory as a framework for understanding herself and the world and I would like to broaden that horizon and show her there is so much more. My daughter has also diagnosed herself with autism, which I don't think she has, and I believe that viewing herself through a lens of pathology ("there is something deeply wrong with me" coupled with "I am a victim of living in a world designed for neurotypical people') is harming her.
In contrast, this theory is exciting and beautifully optimistic. So, what would be the best way to introduce young people like her to it?
'My daughter has also diagnosed herself with autism, which I don't think she has, and I believe that viewing herself through a lens of pathology ("there is something deeply wrong with me" coupled with "I am a victim of living in a world designed for neurotypical people') is harming her.' Bingo. I hope you know that this is what I believe is happening for much of this generation and how we find ourselves in this mess. We're (the culture is) fragilizing our children and the world feels overwhelmingly scary. Our kids don't feel equipped to take on adulthood.
Do you think your daughter would be open to the theory? My daughter rejects anything that is not pathology--I think because it might mean she's "not in the club" and could no longer externalize her problems. I believe, like Dr. McFillin in my Q&A with him, Jessie would recommend biographies of intense figures who overcame hardship to discover their strength and authenticity. I also have the book, "Living with Intensity" which may be worth getting your hands on. You could read it first to see if you think your daughter might be open to it.
I simply have to believe that my daughter would be open. Not necessarily to this particular theory, but to anything that nourishes her in her thirst for self-discovery that does strike a chord. I believe a deep craving to understand herself and the world must be at the root of this whole thing, both the autism thing and the gender thing.
I had it too as a teenager. Did you? My "thing" manifested as a belief that my small town was too small for me, filled with people who cannot understand me, and I must travel the world. Ultimately this did not lead me to find myself, but it did broaden my perspective. My daughter's quest is manifesting as a belief in gender and having autism. I don't believe this broadens her perspective or brings her closer to herself.
In any case. I do believe that her brain must be primed to soak up anything that lights that spark. It could be Dabrowski, it might also not be, but we're still at the stage where she does pay attention to things I say and books and other things I recommend, so long as they don't touch on gender.
I'll check Living with Intensity out. We should compile a book list for ourselves and our children!
This is beautiful, Frankie--and full of hopefulness. It sounds like you've got a strong, healthy attachment with your daughter. She'll benefit from you looking at her with this level of faith.
In my case, I've recognized the best I can do is give my daughter a model of resilience and delight in the rich human experience. And then have faith that she'll prefer and choose that when she realizes that membership in the church of oppression doesn't work to meet her need for self-determination.
There's a thread for this book list in the forum. ;) It's in its infant stages.
Even last week I would have said entirely different things (along the lines of doom and gloom). It is a work in progress. I think we probably need to let go of the fear and dread to be able to find a better place, but I'm sure it will creep back in. It IS scary, after all.
We are all "works in progress." ;) And I don't want to diminish the fear; however, I do encourage not letting it drive the bus! You may appreciate my older pieces, Communicating with your Archetypal FTM, parts 1 and 2. I'd also encourage listening to the conversation between Patrick Ryan and Lisa Marchiano that is linked in both those pieces, I believe.
It's a cultural phenomenon that I think makes perfect sense for them to opt into--in whatever way possible, be it mental health diagnoses or a trans identity. It's what works these days.
In my case also, this fragility is something I struggle with greatly. I didn't raise her to be this way. The society around her didn't give her those messages either. This is about the internet in her case. There are times when I want to tell her, in typical immigrant parent mode — at your age I was working full-time, go get a job and stop thinking about yourself. Something has stopped me from doing that so far, though I did bring up work as a path to new experiences and personal growth.
I read 3rd Factor and came upon this theory about a year ago when I started my deep dive into researching gender. Thank you for bringing it back into my view. It is a helpful way to understand what my daughter may be experiencing and has provided me with some self reflection.
I also suspect many mothers are experiencing disintegration right now also! It's so important to "perceive a higher path" and model the courage to become butterflies ourselves. ;)
I have a question for Jessie, but maybe you can answer it too, Stoic Mom? After reading Third Factor intensely and listening to these interviews with Jessie, I think that understanding Dabrowski's theory may be a game changer for my child.
I am now wondering if there are books I could recommend to her that are right for teenagers. I would just show her Third Factor magazine, but since the magazine recently tackled the topic of gender, I suspect she'd stumble upon those articles immediately and dismiss my recommendation as an attempt to get her to desist.
While I don't believe the identity she has chosen for herself is right for her, that is not my goal. She has adopted gender identity theory as a framework for understanding herself and the world and I would like to broaden that horizon and show her there is so much more. My daughter has also diagnosed herself with autism, which I don't think she has, and I believe that viewing herself through a lens of pathology ("there is something deeply wrong with me" coupled with "I am a victim of living in a world designed for neurotypical people') is harming her.
In contrast, this theory is exciting and beautifully optimistic. So, what would be the best way to introduce young people like her to it?
'My daughter has also diagnosed herself with autism, which I don't think she has, and I believe that viewing herself through a lens of pathology ("there is something deeply wrong with me" coupled with "I am a victim of living in a world designed for neurotypical people') is harming her.' Bingo. I hope you know that this is what I believe is happening for much of this generation and how we find ourselves in this mess. We're (the culture is) fragilizing our children and the world feels overwhelmingly scary. Our kids don't feel equipped to take on adulthood.
Do you think your daughter would be open to the theory? My daughter rejects anything that is not pathology--I think because it might mean she's "not in the club" and could no longer externalize her problems. I believe, like Dr. McFillin in my Q&A with him, Jessie would recommend biographies of intense figures who overcame hardship to discover their strength and authenticity. I also have the book, "Living with Intensity" which may be worth getting your hands on. You could read it first to see if you think your daughter might be open to it.
It might be time to have Jessie on again! ;)
I simply have to believe that my daughter would be open. Not necessarily to this particular theory, but to anything that nourishes her in her thirst for self-discovery that does strike a chord. I believe a deep craving to understand herself and the world must be at the root of this whole thing, both the autism thing and the gender thing.
I had it too as a teenager. Did you? My "thing" manifested as a belief that my small town was too small for me, filled with people who cannot understand me, and I must travel the world. Ultimately this did not lead me to find myself, but it did broaden my perspective. My daughter's quest is manifesting as a belief in gender and having autism. I don't believe this broadens her perspective or brings her closer to herself.
In any case. I do believe that her brain must be primed to soak up anything that lights that spark. It could be Dabrowski, it might also not be, but we're still at the stage where she does pay attention to things I say and books and other things I recommend, so long as they don't touch on gender.
I'll check Living with Intensity out. We should compile a book list for ourselves and our children!
This is beautiful, Frankie--and full of hopefulness. It sounds like you've got a strong, healthy attachment with your daughter. She'll benefit from you looking at her with this level of faith.
In my case, I've recognized the best I can do is give my daughter a model of resilience and delight in the rich human experience. And then have faith that she'll prefer and choose that when she realizes that membership in the church of oppression doesn't work to meet her need for self-determination.
There's a thread for this book list in the forum. ;) It's in its infant stages.
Even last week I would have said entirely different things (along the lines of doom and gloom). It is a work in progress. I think we probably need to let go of the fear and dread to be able to find a better place, but I'm sure it will creep back in. It IS scary, after all.
We are all "works in progress." ;) And I don't want to diminish the fear; however, I do encourage not letting it drive the bus! You may appreciate my older pieces, Communicating with your Archetypal FTM, parts 1 and 2. I'd also encourage listening to the conversation between Patrick Ryan and Lisa Marchiano that is linked in both those pieces, I believe.
Love that "church or oppression". Being part of the VMF (vulnerable, Margelizied and Fragile) group, really has captured these kids.
It's a cultural phenomenon that I think makes perfect sense for them to opt into--in whatever way possible, be it mental health diagnoses or a trans identity. It's what works these days.
In my case also, this fragility is something I struggle with greatly. I didn't raise her to be this way. The society around her didn't give her those messages either. This is about the internet in her case. There are times when I want to tell her, in typical immigrant parent mode — at your age I was working full-time, go get a job and stop thinking about yourself. Something has stopped me from doing that so far, though I did bring up work as a path to new experiences and personal growth.