Another perspective is that some kids are not mentally well and are abusive to their moms. My daughter said so many cruel things to me that it is not good for me to place myself in her company. If I am around her, she just has more opportunity to say things she knows hurts me. Hurt people hurt people. Because my daughter's underlying trauma, pain, autism, and bipolar remain essentially untreated because she chose the quick fix or testostrone and breast removal instead. Because I advocated that she treat the trauma and bipolar, she became incredibly mean to me. All I can do at this point is send an email or text that wishes her a happy birthday or holiday and include "I love you".
I suspect there are other parents like me who protect themselves from abuse or have lost all contact.
Thank you for sharing your experience! It is so important that parents be mindful of when the relationship becomes abusive and to take care of themselves. You describe how all you can do at this point is to send messages that include well wishes and reminders of your love for your daughter--what I hear is that you are also engaged in the hard work of the path of connection, in the ways that are currently available to you. Hang in there, Mama! This sounds so brutally painful and hard--yet you continue to communicate your love.
Yes! My son blames me for ALL his woes in life. Even though I eagerly quit my career to take him to every possible psychologist/psychiatrist to help him with his severe depression and anxiety. Ended up in out-patient hospitalization in 8th grade. He was so funny and intelligent. Got into college but ended up unable to function due to his “gender dysphoria” which he never told me about. He lied to us, his counselors and everyone around him. Now at 28, he is living as a girl. Has a “girlfriend” who is really a boy. It’s so convoluted. He won’t talk to me; has blocked me from calling or texting. I mourn the loss of my baby.
The blame game is hard to watch. True growth comes from self-reflection and an understanding of self-responsibility. May our kids somehow find that space and mature.
Respect to you for not allowing your daughter to verbally abuse and disrespect you for doing the right thing as a mother in trying to stop her from making such drastic and dangerous changes to her body. There is a very articulate young woman detransitioner whose parents allowed her to take T and get her breasts removed and who is now speaking out about how this harmed her and how she thinks 'telling people yes and only affirming them is not love'. This is a short clip from her: https://www.facebook.com/reel/734607131951131
I think our children need us to be honest with them. Finding a way to be both honest/authentic and warm/loving with our children who see the world so differently, is what we encourage here at the SMP. This will usually involve stretching ourselves in ways we've not had to in the past.
Clear, strong boundaries are generally helpful. I do think "boundaries" can be a confusing concept for many. I would direct any who would like some guidance around this concept to consider listening to the Attachment Matters series of podcasts (found in the SMP podcast tab.) Again, thank you @EyesOpen for sharing your experiences here on the SMP.
I loved this and relate to it. I am doing the same. At this point, “punishing” my daughter or myself by being cold or distant would not serve any purpose other than to alienate. I don’t use her chosen name or pronouns and she seems at peace with that - and knows I would switch if I was around her friends. I sometimes use “he” for her trans friends even though I know they are female, but it avoids conflict - and my daughter knows I’m not really buying it. We all have to tailor our behavior to our unique situations.
"Stretching ourselves" as Rose said in one of our recent AM episodes, "to make enough room for those we love." And doing it in ways that honor our own authenticity--this is the challenging individuation dance for parents in this situation. I appreciate that awareness that being cold or distant just contributes to alienation and punishes both parties!
This approach is a 2025 resolution for my continued relationship for my trans-identifying young adult. Thank you. Somehow I have maintained a communicative relationship with him but it's too easy to jump to anger or have it seething under the surface.
Love that you're committing to a connection-focused approach! I know there are newer resources out there, but one that really helped me was the book, "Feeling Good Together." I also found great tips in this conversation by Patrick Ryan and Lisa Marchiano: https://vimeo.com/412385533/caf325cbe3 and of course, I work with parents who need more support to work through the anger and build connection with their kids. Best of luck! Let us know how it goes for you.
I listen the first year but did not buy into the pronouns and he started hormones on day one. Tried family intervention and he wasn’t having any of it. I still used his name.
Year two he changed his name legally and never told me, wife starts using it and I told her I won’t because he’ll never be a women, we were still talking but nothing about his trans life.
Year 3, he has cut me out. Only texted to change phone plan and got permission since it’s my account. I’ve texted on birthday and holidays and kept away. Haven’t seen him since May. I have called, texted asking to visit and he ignores me. Heard his wife is thinking about separation.
How can I actually sit down and just talk about his career and his extended family. No convincing him about anything in his cult just want to be his mom.
It’s not fair he is controlling the whole family by this cult. He’s hurt his relationship with his father (my ex) and his brother is lost without him. He’s basically broken our family. Nothing seems to work in trying to have him understand we love him and are here for him. I’ve never seen such a sick cult take over a perfectly normal 28 year son. God help us.
This is almost identical to our story including my son being a year younger, his younger brother devastated, my being cut off. All we can do is keep trying to reach out and send love to them and pray they wake up.
Another perspective is that some kids are not mentally well and are abusive to their moms. My daughter said so many cruel things to me that it is not good for me to place myself in her company. If I am around her, she just has more opportunity to say things she knows hurts me. Hurt people hurt people. Because my daughter's underlying trauma, pain, autism, and bipolar remain essentially untreated because she chose the quick fix or testostrone and breast removal instead. Because I advocated that she treat the trauma and bipolar, she became incredibly mean to me. All I can do at this point is send an email or text that wishes her a happy birthday or holiday and include "I love you".
I suspect there are other parents like me who protect themselves from abuse or have lost all contact.
Thank you for sharing your experience! It is so important that parents be mindful of when the relationship becomes abusive and to take care of themselves. You describe how all you can do at this point is to send messages that include well wishes and reminders of your love for your daughter--what I hear is that you are also engaged in the hard work of the path of connection, in the ways that are currently available to you. Hang in there, Mama! This sounds so brutally painful and hard--yet you continue to communicate your love.
Yes! My son blames me for ALL his woes in life. Even though I eagerly quit my career to take him to every possible psychologist/psychiatrist to help him with his severe depression and anxiety. Ended up in out-patient hospitalization in 8th grade. He was so funny and intelligent. Got into college but ended up unable to function due to his “gender dysphoria” which he never told me about. He lied to us, his counselors and everyone around him. Now at 28, he is living as a girl. Has a “girlfriend” who is really a boy. It’s so convoluted. He won’t talk to me; has blocked me from calling or texting. I mourn the loss of my baby.
The blame game is hard to watch. True growth comes from self-reflection and an understanding of self-responsibility. May our kids somehow find that space and mature.
Respect to you for not allowing your daughter to verbally abuse and disrespect you for doing the right thing as a mother in trying to stop her from making such drastic and dangerous changes to her body. There is a very articulate young woman detransitioner whose parents allowed her to take T and get her breasts removed and who is now speaking out about how this harmed her and how she thinks 'telling people yes and only affirming them is not love'. This is a short clip from her: https://www.facebook.com/reel/734607131951131
Excellent help for me, I tell my son I accept him as my son, no matter what exterior is, but for me, I have to stand and say he not she
I think our children need us to be honest with them. Finding a way to be both honest/authentic and warm/loving with our children who see the world so differently, is what we encourage here at the SMP. This will usually involve stretching ourselves in ways we've not had to in the past.
And we need strong boundaries when the kids are verbally abusive.
Clear, strong boundaries are generally helpful. I do think "boundaries" can be a confusing concept for many. I would direct any who would like some guidance around this concept to consider listening to the Attachment Matters series of podcasts (found in the SMP podcast tab.) Again, thank you @EyesOpen for sharing your experiences here on the SMP.
I agree that boundaries can be murky and also used as weapons. Thanks for the kind words and contribution @StoicMom.
Many, yes
I loved this and relate to it. I am doing the same. At this point, “punishing” my daughter or myself by being cold or distant would not serve any purpose other than to alienate. I don’t use her chosen name or pronouns and she seems at peace with that - and knows I would switch if I was around her friends. I sometimes use “he” for her trans friends even though I know they are female, but it avoids conflict - and my daughter knows I’m not really buying it. We all have to tailor our behavior to our unique situations.
"Stretching ourselves" as Rose said in one of our recent AM episodes, "to make enough room for those we love." And doing it in ways that honor our own authenticity--this is the challenging individuation dance for parents in this situation. I appreciate that awareness that being cold or distant just contributes to alienation and punishes both parties!
This approach is a 2025 resolution for my continued relationship for my trans-identifying young adult. Thank you. Somehow I have maintained a communicative relationship with him but it's too easy to jump to anger or have it seething under the surface.
Love that you're committing to a connection-focused approach! I know there are newer resources out there, but one that really helped me was the book, "Feeling Good Together." I also found great tips in this conversation by Patrick Ryan and Lisa Marchiano: https://vimeo.com/412385533/caf325cbe3 and of course, I work with parents who need more support to work through the anger and build connection with their kids. Best of luck! Let us know how it goes for you.
LOVE this! Thank you for sharing this vital information. God bless us all, especially our children.
I listen the first year but did not buy into the pronouns and he started hormones on day one. Tried family intervention and he wasn’t having any of it. I still used his name.
Year two he changed his name legally and never told me, wife starts using it and I told her I won’t because he’ll never be a women, we were still talking but nothing about his trans life.
Year 3, he has cut me out. Only texted to change phone plan and got permission since it’s my account. I’ve texted on birthday and holidays and kept away. Haven’t seen him since May. I have called, texted asking to visit and he ignores me. Heard his wife is thinking about separation.
How can I actually sit down and just talk about his career and his extended family. No convincing him about anything in his cult just want to be his mom.
It’s not fair he is controlling the whole family by this cult. He’s hurt his relationship with his father (my ex) and his brother is lost without him. He’s basically broken our family. Nothing seems to work in trying to have him understand we love him and are here for him. I’ve never seen such a sick cult take over a perfectly normal 28 year son. God help us.
This is almost identical to our story including my son being a year younger, his younger brother devastated, my being cut off. All we can do is keep trying to reach out and send love to them and pray they wake up.