Thank you so much for providing this amazing conversation. It is so helpful to hear other moms experiences. I have worked really hard on myself to be the parent my daughter needs me to be. I am seeing my efforts pay off in our very close relationship. Recently she told me her friends don’t have the same relationship with their moms and that I am a good listener. Your work really speaks to me. Thank you!
Thank you so much for listening and commenting! It sounds like you've discovered what you can control, have decided to take charge of your experience and it's paying off. I love this. So glad you're here. <3
So good! When we take the focus off what is wrong with our teens and redirect to becoming and showing up as the mom we want to be as our teen struggles, that’s where reconnection takes place. Love this for you and your daughter.
"The parenting space is the judgiest space out there." So. True.
Just before that quote you talk about letting go of expectations. Expectations are something I think about often. I understand not "expecting" reality to be different than it is. That's a recipe for suffering. I get that.
What I think about is, is there a place for having high expectations for our children to live up to? I've been told I have high expectations, for everyone, myself included, not just my children. And usually that's said to me in the manner of a complaint, or as if it's a flaw to have high expectations. As if I should lower my expectations of the world around me. But is that really the world I want to live in?
When I have "high" expectations (which is such a relative term) and one of my children strives to live up to that expectation, I can see the joy and thrill of accomplishing something they may not have otherwise tried if I didn't have that expectation. I don't often see much discussion around having too low expectations, and maybe that's its own problem. And maybe I'm an idealist for expecting too much of others.
Anyway, another excellent conversation. So much wisdom here!
I love this question about expectations! I think this is a very tricky topic and from an attachment perspective, I'd say it's important to consider what your ultimate outcome is and be really mindful about how you go about communicating those expectations. If the attachment is secure, most kids want to be just like their parents, at least when they're young and if invited to experience the joy of those high expectations, then they become part of a conscious parenting container. I'd encourage those expectations to be values-based, clear, logical, and then make sure they're modeled by the primary caregivers so that the expectation is being met through an invitation by a respected caregiver or adult (influence rather than control.) Make sense? Kids can tell when they're less important than the expectation demand.
Part of the problem with expectations is the judgment felt by the person falling short. I think even when those are expectations for ourselves, we can beat ourselves up with them and that's not healthy. When our high expectations create relationship problems, then I would hope it would be an invitation to re-evaluate what's most important in your life. And for some, it will be the expectations.
And “Post Traumatic Growth”—yes! I didn’t know there was a name for it. And I’m digging deeper into “positive disintegration”; it’s like a light has been turned on for me.
I used to consume a ridiculous amount of TED talks. It's been years now I think since I've watched one--they seem as captured as anyone. That said, my favorite TED presenter of all time is Dr. Jane McGonigal, the Concussion Slayer and author of "Reality is Broken. That's where I first learned this term "post traumatic growth"
Not sure I still agree with everything she asserts in this talk, but I still think she's a great presenter and I think more people need to learn the concept of post-traumatic growth. "The Obstacle is the Way." We can change our story about trauma.
My husband--my rock--became gravely ill about 15 years ago (our son was about 10 at the time; he’s now 24). It took nearly a year to get a diagnosis. It was an absolute nightmare, and the lack of treatment nearly killed him and left him permanently disabled and nearly bed-bound since. It was one of the most traumatic events of our lives, and it seemed endless. It not only impacted me, but our son essentially lost his father.
However, I call it “my trial by fire”: I am SO much stronger than I’ve ever been, and it has forced me to mature. “Post traumatic growth” is definitely real.
Wow. Indeed, you've been through the fire! It makes a lot of sense now why you're here. <3 I'd love to invite you to a conversation. I'll send you an email...
Also, I rewatched Jane's talk, and it still really resonates with me too. Weird how much the culture has changed in the short time that's passed since she presented that one--it seems trauma has come to mean you're broken and must be treated like glass. And everything is trauma.
Thank you so much for providing this amazing conversation. It is so helpful to hear other moms experiences. I have worked really hard on myself to be the parent my daughter needs me to be. I am seeing my efforts pay off in our very close relationship. Recently she told me her friends don’t have the same relationship with their moms and that I am a good listener. Your work really speaks to me. Thank you!
Thank you so much for listening and commenting! It sounds like you've discovered what you can control, have decided to take charge of your experience and it's paying off. I love this. So glad you're here. <3
So good! When we take the focus off what is wrong with our teens and redirect to becoming and showing up as the mom we want to be as our teen struggles, that’s where reconnection takes place. Love this for you and your daughter.
"The parenting space is the judgiest space out there." So. True.
Just before that quote you talk about letting go of expectations. Expectations are something I think about often. I understand not "expecting" reality to be different than it is. That's a recipe for suffering. I get that.
What I think about is, is there a place for having high expectations for our children to live up to? I've been told I have high expectations, for everyone, myself included, not just my children. And usually that's said to me in the manner of a complaint, or as if it's a flaw to have high expectations. As if I should lower my expectations of the world around me. But is that really the world I want to live in?
When I have "high" expectations (which is such a relative term) and one of my children strives to live up to that expectation, I can see the joy and thrill of accomplishing something they may not have otherwise tried if I didn't have that expectation. I don't often see much discussion around having too low expectations, and maybe that's its own problem. And maybe I'm an idealist for expecting too much of others.
Anyway, another excellent conversation. So much wisdom here!
I love this question about expectations! I think this is a very tricky topic and from an attachment perspective, I'd say it's important to consider what your ultimate outcome is and be really mindful about how you go about communicating those expectations. If the attachment is secure, most kids want to be just like their parents, at least when they're young and if invited to experience the joy of those high expectations, then they become part of a conscious parenting container. I'd encourage those expectations to be values-based, clear, logical, and then make sure they're modeled by the primary caregivers so that the expectation is being met through an invitation by a respected caregiver or adult (influence rather than control.) Make sense? Kids can tell when they're less important than the expectation demand.
Part of the problem with expectations is the judgment felt by the person falling short. I think even when those are expectations for ourselves, we can beat ourselves up with them and that's not healthy. When our high expectations create relationship problems, then I would hope it would be an invitation to re-evaluate what's most important in your life. And for some, it will be the expectations.
I am loving this podcast/Substack; I love this content.
“It’s NOT about me.” Wiser words have never been said.
May I use your comments as testimonials? I so love that StoicMom content is resonating so deeply for you! <3
Help yourself! 👍🏼
And “Post Traumatic Growth”—yes! I didn’t know there was a name for it. And I’m digging deeper into “positive disintegration”; it’s like a light has been turned on for me.
What amazing voices!
I used to consume a ridiculous amount of TED talks. It's been years now I think since I've watched one--they seem as captured as anyone. That said, my favorite TED presenter of all time is Dr. Jane McGonigal, the Concussion Slayer and author of "Reality is Broken. That's where I first learned this term "post traumatic growth"
https://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_the_game_that_can_give_you_10_extra_years_of_life
Not sure I still agree with everything she asserts in this talk, but I still think she's a great presenter and I think more people need to learn the concept of post-traumatic growth. "The Obstacle is the Way." We can change our story about trauma.
It really resonated with me.
My husband--my rock--became gravely ill about 15 years ago (our son was about 10 at the time; he’s now 24). It took nearly a year to get a diagnosis. It was an absolute nightmare, and the lack of treatment nearly killed him and left him permanently disabled and nearly bed-bound since. It was one of the most traumatic events of our lives, and it seemed endless. It not only impacted me, but our son essentially lost his father.
However, I call it “my trial by fire”: I am SO much stronger than I’ve ever been, and it has forced me to mature. “Post traumatic growth” is definitely real.
Wow. Indeed, you've been through the fire! It makes a lot of sense now why you're here. <3 I'd love to invite you to a conversation. I'll send you an email...
Also, I rewatched Jane's talk, and it still really resonates with me too. Weird how much the culture has changed in the short time that's passed since she presented that one--it seems trauma has come to mean you're broken and must be treated like glass. And everything is trauma.