I haven't started my substack yet, but I picked the name "Normal" because, well, that's what I wanted: a normal family. Just average. And that is what my kid wailed at me one day: I don't want to be queer and trans! I just want to be normal! What could I say to her?
I'd say that's what you have: a normal, typical family. It's the culture that makes it feel weird. Are you literally asking what you might say? I wonder what would happen if you said something like, "I'm so curious about that. Can you tell me more about why you think you're not normal (or whatever)?" <--this could be used for so many things--especially if you feel yourself getting triggered in the conversaion. Take a deep breath and try this one. If you decide to give it a go, I'd love to know what happens!
Oh, I did ask. Her response was that gay and trans is not "normal." That she doesn't want to be trans, and that's how she knows she is. Kids at 13-14 want to be "extra." I remember that age! Thing is, this kid is "extra": she's a really good writer, she's a fabulous musician. She's a good friend. She has a lot of really good qualities, but somehow, instead of being proud and feeling good about her writing and music, she wants to be special through being trans and mental illness. I think--just a guess--that writing is solitary and music became solitary during the pandemic, and they don't provide the tribal pull of being trans, they don't give you an identity and a cause to be a fighter for. They don't make you into an underdog, or give you a way to oppose your parents, which is also so validating at this age. This is such a complicated identity. If I weren't a parent going through it, I would find it fascinating. I do anyway!
I need to re-read it; I remember agreeing with a lot! I don't remember if this was part of it, but I do feel this identity is kind of perfect for adolescents in that they get to control the adults around them just at a time when that is particularly empowering. Family, teachers, doctors, everyone jumps to the new name and pronoun--or is swiftly dismissed as a transphobe who "deadnames"--and any misgendering or deadnaming gives an excuse for outrage and bonding with trans friends. On one parenting group, kids have changed names and pronouns several times; one mom even talks about what to do with the tattoo she got of the new name that has since been replaced!
I’m guilty of “exceptionalizing” my kid--I did it during our chat. But you are totally correct about our kids’ “unremarkableableness”, and it was actually one of the many reasons why I took him out of school: I used to look around his classrooms over the years--and imagine the classrooms all around the country--and think, “Most of these kids, including mine, will probably be very average, yet we all think ours will ‘be somebody’ important, or worse, change the world.” I thought (and think) that’s a terrible burden to lay on our children.
Fortunately, my son has been (and remains) resilient, but it’s mostly because he was born with the peculiar quirk of being able to learn from OTHER people’s mistakes (he didn’t get that from me!). When virtually every friend he had, male and female alike, was cutting or otherwise hurting themselves, he thought, “Nope,” and he got himself a job.
He’s on an untraditional path, having chosen to forego college, and he’s struggling as he approaches the big 2-5. However, like the good unschooler I conditioned him to be, he continues to learn every day, and he has faith he’ll be okay. And he will be--most likely in a very ordinary way.
Thank you. :) I think we're all probably guilty of "exceptionalizing" our kids. And they are each unique, but I just think we'd do well to highlight more of what makes us alike and that we all have capacity for resilience. I also think it's time we look deeply at our cultural values and recognize what's not serving humanity--that there are countless paths to a satisfying and meaningful life and that it's the project of a lifetime. I've reinvented myself so many times and I imagine, even at 53 I've got quite a bit of evolving still to do. I'm definitely a fan of "untraditional" paths--especially if we don't feel locked into a path that may no longer be working for us! I hope I'm making some sense. It's late, and I need to go to bed!
You just wrote what I said to someone about the past the phenomenon indigo children. Remember that? Everyone wanted a special child. The still do. I said this whole Trans thing is the new special unique child phenomenon. When it is just not. My daughter has said over and over I just want to be normal. I have asked is having a boys name and being called normal? I guess it is now. The new normal that the media loves to say. I am waiting patiently for the tied to turn.
Yep. You might want to look at the books of Kelly Brogan MD (kellybroganmd.com). Or Mad in America (book and madinamerica.com). Or Coddling the American Mind (Atlantic 2015 article & 2018 book.) We're not creating resilient kids and adults because every physical and psychic pain must be pathologized and expunged. That said, sometimes there are kids (and adults) who are neurodivergent, and when they get the diagnosis after years of struggle, it helps them understand themselves better and not be so hard on themselves for when they didn't live up to their own expectations. The diagnosis allows them to pick themselves up and go on with a better understanding of what they need to go forward and be resilient.
Yes, I read Coddling of the American Mind, but not the others. This is something I noticed while teaching (2007 - 2014). I can see how the neurodivergent diagnosis can be beneficial, yet I can't help but wonder if we're still seeing the result of trying to force humans to adapt to a sick environment. It seems the spectrum of normal gets narrower by the year and relies heavily on how well one does in the very unnatural environment of a classroom. I guess it's nearly impossible to know for sure, and hopefully we'll remain curious enough to develop a better understanding of the human organism and its place in the universe.
I also think it's incredibly valuable to feel "seen." I think maybe this is the benefit of these diagnoses? To know someone else understands your struggles and has found things that make life better, more accessible? I have some concerns about "the parallel experience" again; as I mention in this essay, the trans identity seems to serve this same purpose for so many of our kiddos. We all seem to want someone to tell us what to do when life gets hard. I think this might be the reason we're wired for religion--it offers a template for life that also provides meaning and shared purpose among a group of people. I think in this vacuum left through secularism, humans will create new belief systems to serve as this template...
I also want to say that I do believe in the "nature" component and think humans come wired in different ways, for different strengths and contributions, and I think it would be such a different world if when we met someone new, we were looking for that person's contribution, what we're to learn from them, what are their gifts? Rather than what we need to change about them.
"I can see how the neurodivergent diagnosis can be beneficial, yet I can't help but wonder if we're still seeing the result of trying to force humans to adapt to a sick environment." Very much so when one looks at this from an evolutionary biology perspective. When we lived in tribes as hunter-gathers there was a need for a diversity of personality types: high energy risk taker (for explorations), balanced by more cautious tribe members (less likely to be eaten by a predator), those who attended to details (great for gathering), etc. Sounds a lot like the different types of ADHD and those with anxiety. Social anxiety would have been non-existent: one would walk out of their hut to see their tribe members, the same ones they'd known all their lives - instead of holed up in our separate dwellings and interacting with strangers on a daily basis. Even ASD is an evolutionary mismatch with our toxic environment and foods that are vastly different from those we evolved on. That said, what are we to do? We're stuck living and raising kids in this environment. We can't all go live in the woods with our tribe!
I wish! (And I'm working on it...) I also think it's possible to shift our mindset to a place where "this environment" doesn't have to have as big of an impact as it's having on so many. The more who do make the shift, the less viable the current way of things becomes. I also know this isn't appealing or feasible to everyone and it could be some time before real change happens. Though this transgender adventure we've all been thrust into may hasten things...
I did just look up Mad in America to learn it's written by Robert Whitaker, who also authored Anatomy of an Epidemic, which I did read. A chilling look at how the psychiatric industry manufactures diagnoses to match the "cures" they're looking to market.
Another point well made, StoicMom. I totally agree that we as a society are exceptionalizing "trans" kids, and exceptionalizing how we treat kids believed to be "trans." We are also pushing all kids to be "exceptional," as if being normal, average, regular, just fine is somehow a horrible fate. Life is hard and just being a decent human being and trying our best to find some happiness - the goal of your average human being - is quite a feat. We can be proud of our kids for trying their best to make a good life for themselves, a very basic, ordinary endeavor - but when it's accomplished, it's pretty impressive. We can't all be extraordinary - that's logically impossible!
We are also (and have been moving in this direction for quite a while) pathologizing normal difficulties of life, over-diagnosing, over-medicating, and making our kids out to be incredibly fragile and incapable of dealing with life. We need to stop labeling and start (or revisit) the practice of simply guiding our young to get through life's challenges.
I still have my reservations about totally letting go and completely leaving it to my confused teenage daughter to do what she will, when she has been influenced to believe some pretty crazy things, with some very real, permanent consequences if she continues to listen to those crazy things. But I get what you're saying, and, even if (as I believe) we need to stay vigilant and do our best to protect our kids from wholly unnecessary, dangerous medical interventions, we also have to give our kids the message that we believe they will see through the garbage and make good decisions if indeed we want them to see through the garbage and make good decisions - and I think we all want that!
I also wanted to lift this out of your comment, because I love it so much:
"Life is hard and just being a decent human being and trying our best to find some happiness - the goal of your average human being - is quite a feat. We can be proud of our kids for trying their best to make a good life for themselves, a very basic, ordinary endeavor - but when it's accomplished, it's pretty impressive."
Gonna say it again. I love you, Karen! And I want to address this idea that I'm promoting "totally letting go and completely leaving it to my confused teenage daughter to do what she will..."
This is not what I'm encouraging parents to do, especially families with teens who are still underage. Essentially what I'm encouraging is to change your goal from:
I will make my daughter desist (which you can't do because this is out of your control and if you try, she will feel like you are attacking who she "is")
to
I will empower my child to make healthy decisions for herself (by changing my goal and becoming her trusted ally who believes in her capacity )
Does this make sense? Our kids will reject us as guides if they believe we're trying to control them. Absolutely, when it comes to minor children, there needs to be that container I speak of for them to play around in without "falling off the cliff" as Jessie put it. But at some point, hopefully before they're 18, we have to get them to a place where we trust they know a cliff when they see it. And if we're unsure, I still think maybe the best we can do is communicate to them that we trust they know a cliff when they see it.
I think we're saying much the same thing, but I imagine the container I'm comfortable with is larger than what most parents are comfortable with. Honestly though, I think the larger the container the more trust you communicate. If it's too small, they'll find ways to sneak out of it and now they are no longer operating with the thought in their head: my mom trusts me so she must believe in me. Hmm, she must believe I'll make healthy choices. What's the healthy choice here?
I hope this is starting to make sense? Thank you for continuing to bring this up. I definitely want to make sure I'm being clear on this and it's a tricky point to make. Seriously, thank you!
I love you too, and everything you're doing is inspiring. What you're saying makes a lot of sense and clarifies what you meant. I think we are on the same page with this. I never did believe in putting too many constraints on my kids. This latest issue and my daughter's responses to it have left me a little less sure of what has always been my position, but you are right to say that it's still important to trust your children even under these crazy circumstances. Totally in agreement that it's our job to guide them to make healthy choices and give them confidence that they can do it. Just wishing the world wasn't so scary!
Exactly. The scary world makes this normal thing our kids are doing seem bigger than I now think it has to be. It causes parents to escalate to Defcon 1 and they abandon their instincts and do damage to the relationship and the trust. If I could go back, this is what I would change. I would have stayed curious, with faith that she'd figure it out with my loving support and guidance rather than me thinking I needed to "talk sense" into her.
I haven't started my substack yet, but I picked the name "Normal" because, well, that's what I wanted: a normal family. Just average. And that is what my kid wailed at me one day: I don't want to be queer and trans! I just want to be normal! What could I say to her?
I'd say that's what you have: a normal, typical family. It's the culture that makes it feel weird. Are you literally asking what you might say? I wonder what would happen if you said something like, "I'm so curious about that. Can you tell me more about why you think you're not normal (or whatever)?" <--this could be used for so many things--especially if you feel yourself getting triggered in the conversaion. Take a deep breath and try this one. If you decide to give it a go, I'd love to know what happens!
Oh, I did ask. Her response was that gay and trans is not "normal." That she doesn't want to be trans, and that's how she knows she is. Kids at 13-14 want to be "extra." I remember that age! Thing is, this kid is "extra": she's a really good writer, she's a fabulous musician. She's a good friend. She has a lot of really good qualities, but somehow, instead of being proud and feeling good about her writing and music, she wants to be special through being trans and mental illness. I think--just a guess--that writing is solitary and music became solitary during the pandemic, and they don't provide the tribal pull of being trans, they don't give you an identity and a cause to be a fighter for. They don't make you into an underdog, or give you a way to oppose your parents, which is also so validating at this age. This is such a complicated identity. If I weren't a parent going through it, I would find it fascinating. I do anyway!
If you've not already read it, you might enjoy my piece titled: Defining "Trans"
I need to re-read it; I remember agreeing with a lot! I don't remember if this was part of it, but I do feel this identity is kind of perfect for adolescents in that they get to control the adults around them just at a time when that is particularly empowering. Family, teachers, doctors, everyone jumps to the new name and pronoun--or is swiftly dismissed as a transphobe who "deadnames"--and any misgendering or deadnaming gives an excuse for outrage and bonding with trans friends. On one parenting group, kids have changed names and pronouns several times; one mom even talks about what to do with the tattoo she got of the new name that has since been replaced!
I’m guilty of “exceptionalizing” my kid--I did it during our chat. But you are totally correct about our kids’ “unremarkableableness”, and it was actually one of the many reasons why I took him out of school: I used to look around his classrooms over the years--and imagine the classrooms all around the country--and think, “Most of these kids, including mine, will probably be very average, yet we all think ours will ‘be somebody’ important, or worse, change the world.” I thought (and think) that’s a terrible burden to lay on our children.
Fortunately, my son has been (and remains) resilient, but it’s mostly because he was born with the peculiar quirk of being able to learn from OTHER people’s mistakes (he didn’t get that from me!). When virtually every friend he had, male and female alike, was cutting or otherwise hurting themselves, he thought, “Nope,” and he got himself a job.
He’s on an untraditional path, having chosen to forego college, and he’s struggling as he approaches the big 2-5. However, like the good unschooler I conditioned him to be, he continues to learn every day, and he has faith he’ll be okay. And he will be--most likely in a very ordinary way.
Really good essay! ❤️
Thank you. :) I think we're all probably guilty of "exceptionalizing" our kids. And they are each unique, but I just think we'd do well to highlight more of what makes us alike and that we all have capacity for resilience. I also think it's time we look deeply at our cultural values and recognize what's not serving humanity--that there are countless paths to a satisfying and meaningful life and that it's the project of a lifetime. I've reinvented myself so many times and I imagine, even at 53 I've got quite a bit of evolving still to do. I'm definitely a fan of "untraditional" paths--especially if we don't feel locked into a path that may no longer be working for us! I hope I'm making some sense. It's late, and I need to go to bed!
You just wrote what I said to someone about the past the phenomenon indigo children. Remember that? Everyone wanted a special child. The still do. I said this whole Trans thing is the new special unique child phenomenon. When it is just not. My daughter has said over and over I just want to be normal. I have asked is having a boys name and being called normal? I guess it is now. The new normal that the media loves to say. I am waiting patiently for the tied to turn.
Yep. You might want to look at the books of Kelly Brogan MD (kellybroganmd.com). Or Mad in America (book and madinamerica.com). Or Coddling the American Mind (Atlantic 2015 article & 2018 book.) We're not creating resilient kids and adults because every physical and psychic pain must be pathologized and expunged. That said, sometimes there are kids (and adults) who are neurodivergent, and when they get the diagnosis after years of struggle, it helps them understand themselves better and not be so hard on themselves for when they didn't live up to their own expectations. The diagnosis allows them to pick themselves up and go on with a better understanding of what they need to go forward and be resilient.
Yes, I read Coddling of the American Mind, but not the others. This is something I noticed while teaching (2007 - 2014). I can see how the neurodivergent diagnosis can be beneficial, yet I can't help but wonder if we're still seeing the result of trying to force humans to adapt to a sick environment. It seems the spectrum of normal gets narrower by the year and relies heavily on how well one does in the very unnatural environment of a classroom. I guess it's nearly impossible to know for sure, and hopefully we'll remain curious enough to develop a better understanding of the human organism and its place in the universe.
I also think it's incredibly valuable to feel "seen." I think maybe this is the benefit of these diagnoses? To know someone else understands your struggles and has found things that make life better, more accessible? I have some concerns about "the parallel experience" again; as I mention in this essay, the trans identity seems to serve this same purpose for so many of our kiddos. We all seem to want someone to tell us what to do when life gets hard. I think this might be the reason we're wired for religion--it offers a template for life that also provides meaning and shared purpose among a group of people. I think in this vacuum left through secularism, humans will create new belief systems to serve as this template...
I also want to say that I do believe in the "nature" component and think humans come wired in different ways, for different strengths and contributions, and I think it would be such a different world if when we met someone new, we were looking for that person's contribution, what we're to learn from them, what are their gifts? Rather than what we need to change about them.
"I can see how the neurodivergent diagnosis can be beneficial, yet I can't help but wonder if we're still seeing the result of trying to force humans to adapt to a sick environment." Very much so when one looks at this from an evolutionary biology perspective. When we lived in tribes as hunter-gathers there was a need for a diversity of personality types: high energy risk taker (for explorations), balanced by more cautious tribe members (less likely to be eaten by a predator), those who attended to details (great for gathering), etc. Sounds a lot like the different types of ADHD and those with anxiety. Social anxiety would have been non-existent: one would walk out of their hut to see their tribe members, the same ones they'd known all their lives - instead of holed up in our separate dwellings and interacting with strangers on a daily basis. Even ASD is an evolutionary mismatch with our toxic environment and foods that are vastly different from those we evolved on. That said, what are we to do? We're stuck living and raising kids in this environment. We can't all go live in the woods with our tribe!
I wish! (And I'm working on it...) I also think it's possible to shift our mindset to a place where "this environment" doesn't have to have as big of an impact as it's having on so many. The more who do make the shift, the less viable the current way of things becomes. I also know this isn't appealing or feasible to everyone and it could be some time before real change happens. Though this transgender adventure we've all been thrust into may hasten things...
I did just look up Mad in America to learn it's written by Robert Whitaker, who also authored Anatomy of an Epidemic, which I did read. A chilling look at how the psychiatric industry manufactures diagnoses to match the "cures" they're looking to market.
Another point well made, StoicMom. I totally agree that we as a society are exceptionalizing "trans" kids, and exceptionalizing how we treat kids believed to be "trans." We are also pushing all kids to be "exceptional," as if being normal, average, regular, just fine is somehow a horrible fate. Life is hard and just being a decent human being and trying our best to find some happiness - the goal of your average human being - is quite a feat. We can be proud of our kids for trying their best to make a good life for themselves, a very basic, ordinary endeavor - but when it's accomplished, it's pretty impressive. We can't all be extraordinary - that's logically impossible!
We are also (and have been moving in this direction for quite a while) pathologizing normal difficulties of life, over-diagnosing, over-medicating, and making our kids out to be incredibly fragile and incapable of dealing with life. We need to stop labeling and start (or revisit) the practice of simply guiding our young to get through life's challenges.
I still have my reservations about totally letting go and completely leaving it to my confused teenage daughter to do what she will, when she has been influenced to believe some pretty crazy things, with some very real, permanent consequences if she continues to listen to those crazy things. But I get what you're saying, and, even if (as I believe) we need to stay vigilant and do our best to protect our kids from wholly unnecessary, dangerous medical interventions, we also have to give our kids the message that we believe they will see through the garbage and make good decisions if indeed we want them to see through the garbage and make good decisions - and I think we all want that!
I also wanted to lift this out of your comment, because I love it so much:
"Life is hard and just being a decent human being and trying our best to find some happiness - the goal of your average human being - is quite a feat. We can be proud of our kids for trying their best to make a good life for themselves, a very basic, ordinary endeavor - but when it's accomplished, it's pretty impressive."
Gonna say it again. I love you, Karen! And I want to address this idea that I'm promoting "totally letting go and completely leaving it to my confused teenage daughter to do what she will..."
This is not what I'm encouraging parents to do, especially families with teens who are still underage. Essentially what I'm encouraging is to change your goal from:
I will make my daughter desist (which you can't do because this is out of your control and if you try, she will feel like you are attacking who she "is")
to
I will empower my child to make healthy decisions for herself (by changing my goal and becoming her trusted ally who believes in her capacity )
Does this make sense? Our kids will reject us as guides if they believe we're trying to control them. Absolutely, when it comes to minor children, there needs to be that container I speak of for them to play around in without "falling off the cliff" as Jessie put it. But at some point, hopefully before they're 18, we have to get them to a place where we trust they know a cliff when they see it. And if we're unsure, I still think maybe the best we can do is communicate to them that we trust they know a cliff when they see it.
I think we're saying much the same thing, but I imagine the container I'm comfortable with is larger than what most parents are comfortable with. Honestly though, I think the larger the container the more trust you communicate. If it's too small, they'll find ways to sneak out of it and now they are no longer operating with the thought in their head: my mom trusts me so she must believe in me. Hmm, she must believe I'll make healthy choices. What's the healthy choice here?
I hope this is starting to make sense? Thank you for continuing to bring this up. I definitely want to make sure I'm being clear on this and it's a tricky point to make. Seriously, thank you!
I love you too, and everything you're doing is inspiring. What you're saying makes a lot of sense and clarifies what you meant. I think we are on the same page with this. I never did believe in putting too many constraints on my kids. This latest issue and my daughter's responses to it have left me a little less sure of what has always been my position, but you are right to say that it's still important to trust your children even under these crazy circumstances. Totally in agreement that it's our job to guide them to make healthy choices and give them confidence that they can do it. Just wishing the world wasn't so scary!
Exactly. The scary world makes this normal thing our kids are doing seem bigger than I now think it has to be. It causes parents to escalate to Defcon 1 and they abandon their instincts and do damage to the relationship and the trust. If I could go back, this is what I would change. I would have stayed curious, with faith that she'd figure it out with my loving support and guidance rather than me thinking I needed to "talk sense" into her.