watched the video. what a treasure! thanks for the recommendation. i love how it took a year and half for you to find the right time to ask that question. it's already burning in me to ask my daughter, but now i get to practice not being the enemy in the meantime. namaste lady and thank you!
You're welcome! It's a challenging approach that demands extreme consciousness and commitment. Aaaand, it's an experiment. I remind my clients my kid is still transIDed. I still botch things. Still working hard to soften my daughter enough for her to let me be beside her. I think she still clings to the notion that I'm the enemy though all that evidence of attachment I describe is still there. (Except our road trips have decreased significantly since she started working and turned 18.) Come on prefrontal cortex! There are certainly signs of emotional maturity, she's very pleasant and gracious much of the time, but we have years ahead of us that I imagine will be painful for her. It's just that phase of life.
"I love how it took a year and a half for you to find the right time to ask that question." The long con, right? ;) You already got this!
Hi Concerned mom. I'm so glad you're finding value and wisdom in my newsletter! I lead a PROGDK group--they're regional. You can sign up for one in your area at www.parentsofrogdkids.org. If you'd like a 1:1 with me, I have a discovery form on my About page you can use to schedule a free discovery session.
On a little getaway with her ( well they:him at school) in Arizona visiting paternal gmom and some mountain biking. I look forward to connecting. My anger snd rage remains a problem. I need to get out of this. I’m a busy social worker who has spent too much money on “ lotion and potions and bad therapy “ and yes, perhaps too many glasses of wine throughout this. It’s time for radical acceptance. Peace, karie
So great. I’ve come to similar conclusions and I believe that has helped end estrangement between FTM daughter and myself. Mindfulness is the way to go and what I preach in my practice. Thank you for this piece.
I love this! It confirms my theory and message to focus on what we can control--our own growth. And that estrangement isn't "the end." I'm so happy you've reunited with your daughter. Sounds like we're both trying to offer more and better support to families. Thank you for the work you're doing.
I'm not on Twitter much--mostly here on Substack. Thank you so much for the compliment! I hope it's resonating for families still feeling lost in the dark.
I am determined that I will not be THE reason she pursues cross-sex hormones and non-medically necessary surgeries. Interesting. Can you please explain that more for me?
I see it a couple of ways. My focus right now with my daughter is to drive home that she's adopted a different worldview and it's okay for us to disagree about how the world works. It's the whole "bad boyfriend" idea that I talk about in part two of Communicating with your Archetypal FTM. If I'm too rigid in my own beliefs and operate to persuade her, her adolescent counterwill (an excellent concept developed by Gordon Neufeld) will almost demand that she go the exact opposite direction than the way I'm pushing her. Also, review the last paragraph of this essay and maybe listen to the Wider Lens podcast, #54 where Marchiano explains how transitioners cut out their families to cut off their own doubt. I need to mind my own rigidity so I don't drive her right into the arms of the opposition. Is that what you were asking or were you more interested in the how to not be in this role? I think it's totally possible to be authentic and true to your values AND not be the enemy. Let me know if this was helpful or if you have more questions!
My initial response to your request for clarification is haunting me. I have to remind myself of my own words in this essay: "we credit ourselves with far too much influence." We do not have control over our children's outcomes. The best we can do is try to influence them, but we are then one among many influences. There are many factors contributing to a young person's decisions. I believe modeling is our best course of action, with among the top things we need to model being self-compassion. Modeling what it means to be humans who are just doing the best we can. Hang in there MamaBearProud.
StoicMom, Ugh. Forgive me. I got distracted and haven't listened to #54. I also am in limbo land I guess. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. YKWIM? Yes, we don't have control over our kids especially when they are adults. I had hoped my kid who was struggling when he went off to college would find his tribe (not his brother's) and mature. Unbeknownst to me, I had been practicing attachment parenting for 4 years with the end result of a trans estranged kid.
This is only a season in his (and your) life. Granted, one whose pain I can only imagine. That attachment parenting provided a foundation whose influence still remains to be seen. Nothing's over yet.
Did you happen to read Lisa's comments above? She's reunited with her previously estranged daughter. There is always hope.
Thank you, Julia! I'm curious if you mean the writing or the work I'm doing with my daughter? Btw, I sure appreciate all the work you're doing to raise awareness and support families. I follow you on Twitter. :)
Thank you for saying this! It's definitely been work and I find myself grateful for this experience with my daughter that has demanded I do this work. To have it recognized and appreciated means the world to me. I know it may be decades before she'll be able to understand the impact of this experience on our family. And of course, even if she never gets it, the work will have been worth it.
Hello I’m the mum of a 14 year old daughter. I’ve started reading your essay’s they make so much sense. I have been through the mill past two years been fighting this situation and done a great job of building that energetic wall you spoke of. Allowed myself to drown and spent what seems a lifetime searching for ways to get her back. I also came to the conclusion the best I can do is connect again and that I can’t actually control any of this. Trying hard to get myself together again. Really felt a connection with your writing and it made me feel hopeful. Thank you
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! It's so encouraging to learn that you have found both hope and sense in my writing--that's what I want for parents to find here. Once we recognize the wall and how it was built, then we can dismantle it with a focus on connection and trust. I'm glad you found your way here and hope you'll find content that helps you both "let go" and keep her close. You can do this.
watched the video. what a treasure! thanks for the recommendation. i love how it took a year and half for you to find the right time to ask that question. it's already burning in me to ask my daughter, but now i get to practice not being the enemy in the meantime. namaste lady and thank you!
You're welcome! It's a challenging approach that demands extreme consciousness and commitment. Aaaand, it's an experiment. I remind my clients my kid is still transIDed. I still botch things. Still working hard to soften my daughter enough for her to let me be beside her. I think she still clings to the notion that I'm the enemy though all that evidence of attachment I describe is still there. (Except our road trips have decreased significantly since she started working and turned 18.) Come on prefrontal cortex! There are certainly signs of emotional maturity, she's very pleasant and gracious much of the time, but we have years ahead of us that I imagine will be painful for her. It's just that phase of life.
"I love how it took a year and a half for you to find the right time to ask that question." The long con, right? ;) You already got this!
💯
Hello-I’m so grateful for your shared experience and wisdom. When are your monthly support groups?
Hi Concerned mom. I'm so glad you're finding value and wisdom in my newsletter! I lead a PROGDK group--they're regional. You can sign up for one in your area at www.parentsofrogdkids.org. If you'd like a 1:1 with me, I have a discovery form on my About page you can use to schedule a free discovery session.
I think I might just do that!
I'll watch for it to come through! I look forward to connecting. :) If you're so inclined, let me know you're "Concerned mom" in one of the responses.
Looking forward to a meet and greet and take it from there.
On a little getaway with her ( well they:him at school) in Arizona visiting paternal gmom and some mountain biking. I look forward to connecting. My anger snd rage remains a problem. I need to get out of this. I’m a busy social worker who has spent too much money on “ lotion and potions and bad therapy “ and yes, perhaps too many glasses of wine throughout this. It’s time for radical acceptance. Peace, karie
Enjoy your getaway! (Just a heads' up that I only have a few more slots for discovery sessions in April.)
A little slow with tech stuff. Could you remind me how to sign up?
So great. I’ve come to similar conclusions and I believe that has helped end estrangement between FTM daughter and myself. Mindfulness is the way to go and what I preach in my practice. Thank you for this piece.
I love this! It confirms my theory and message to focus on what we can control--our own growth. And that estrangement isn't "the end." I'm so happy you've reunited with your daughter. Sounds like we're both trying to offer more and better support to families. Thank you for the work you're doing.
Thank YOU. Just followed you on Twitter!! Your writing is excellent!!🤗
I'm not on Twitter much--mostly here on Substack. Thank you so much for the compliment! I hope it's resonating for families still feeling lost in the dark.
You are most definitely reaching them in this space. Keep it up. Ours is a multi-pronged approach.
I am determined that I will not be THE reason she pursues cross-sex hormones and non-medically necessary surgeries. Interesting. Can you please explain that more for me?
I see it a couple of ways. My focus right now with my daughter is to drive home that she's adopted a different worldview and it's okay for us to disagree about how the world works. It's the whole "bad boyfriend" idea that I talk about in part two of Communicating with your Archetypal FTM. If I'm too rigid in my own beliefs and operate to persuade her, her adolescent counterwill (an excellent concept developed by Gordon Neufeld) will almost demand that she go the exact opposite direction than the way I'm pushing her. Also, review the last paragraph of this essay and maybe listen to the Wider Lens podcast, #54 where Marchiano explains how transitioners cut out their families to cut off their own doubt. I need to mind my own rigidity so I don't drive her right into the arms of the opposition. Is that what you were asking or were you more interested in the how to not be in this role? I think it's totally possible to be authentic and true to your values AND not be the enemy. Let me know if this was helpful or if you have more questions!
My initial response to your request for clarification is haunting me. I have to remind myself of my own words in this essay: "we credit ourselves with far too much influence." We do not have control over our children's outcomes. The best we can do is try to influence them, but we are then one among many influences. There are many factors contributing to a young person's decisions. I believe modeling is our best course of action, with among the top things we need to model being self-compassion. Modeling what it means to be humans who are just doing the best we can. Hang in there MamaBearProud.
StoicMom, Ugh. Forgive me. I got distracted and haven't listened to #54. I also am in limbo land I guess. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. YKWIM? Yes, we don't have control over our kids especially when they are adults. I had hoped my kid who was struggling when he went off to college would find his tribe (not his brother's) and mature. Unbeknownst to me, I had been practicing attachment parenting for 4 years with the end result of a trans estranged kid.
This is only a season in his (and your) life. Granted, one whose pain I can only imagine. That attachment parenting provided a foundation whose influence still remains to be seen. Nothing's over yet.
Did you happen to read Lisa's comments above? She's reunited with her previously estranged daughter. There is always hope.
Fascinating. Strong work!
Thank you, Julia! I'm curious if you mean the writing or the work I'm doing with my daughter? Btw, I sure appreciate all the work you're doing to raise awareness and support families. I follow you on Twitter. :)
Both, but I was thinking of the work you're doing with your daughter.
Thank you for saying this! It's definitely been work and I find myself grateful for this experience with my daughter that has demanded I do this work. To have it recognized and appreciated means the world to me. I know it may be decades before she'll be able to understand the impact of this experience on our family. And of course, even if she never gets it, the work will have been worth it.
Thanks for your wonderful writing, it is so helpful Can you provide a link to the convo between Marchiano and Ryan please?
It was part of Marchiano's Patreon that year and she's moved on from that. Let me see what I can do.
And you're welcome! I'm so glad you're finding StoicMom helpful. :)
Hello I’m the mum of a 14 year old daughter. I’ve started reading your essay’s they make so much sense. I have been through the mill past two years been fighting this situation and done a great job of building that energetic wall you spoke of. Allowed myself to drown and spent what seems a lifetime searching for ways to get her back. I also came to the conclusion the best I can do is connect again and that I can’t actually control any of this. Trying hard to get myself together again. Really felt a connection with your writing and it made me feel hopeful. Thank you
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! It's so encouraging to learn that you have found both hope and sense in my writing--that's what I want for parents to find here. Once we recognize the wall and how it was built, then we can dismantle it with a focus on connection and trust. I'm glad you found your way here and hope you'll find content that helps you both "let go" and keep her close. You can do this.