Thank you for your very wise and inspiring article. The medical transitioning of my daughter is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure, but your words,"tragedy can break your heart to pieces, or it can break it open, allowing you to experience more richness, more beauty, more pain, more curiosity, more love" are so true. I don't always feel this. Some days I want to howl and rant and rage, but there are now more days when I can see the gift in all of this. Thank you for being a brave and caring voice in all this pain.
"Some days I want to howl and rant and rage..." I hope you let yourself. This is some deep, deep pain you're experiencing. I'm so thankful to know this site has offered even a little comfort. Thank you for taking the time to share this comment.
It was your stoic advice to not hold on so firmly to my daughter that inspired me too write my most recent piece. To look at this experience at different angle. I decided that every time she asks for my presence I would say "yes" tonight she wanted to put make on me and have me do hers. When she was really little she loved to pretend to be at a beauty shop and do my hair.
It was a nice night tonight. Laughing and talking. There is a shift. She will be 15 next week. This is a girl who stated when she was little she never wanted to grow up. She loved being a kid and would tell me " I don't know why kids want to grow up so fast." Growing up is hard to do.
I love this so much! Let's be warm, available, trusting, and enjoy the heck out of our kids!! I think our stress and worry might escalate and distort their experience with this. If we can relax and recognize they're just being teenagers, hold a non-judgmental container, foster the relationship (nothing's better than laughing together!) and BE someone they want to talk to--it will feel so much better for both parent and adolescent.
Beautiful and wise. Thank you for sharing your learnings.
I resonate with so much of what you write and agree that "the obstacle is the way" and, at the same time, I'm aware of some apprehension around identifying this wisdom as "Stoicism." Not that I dispute the correctness of the identification, nor do I have any particular issue with Stoicism. Quite the contrary. My apprehension is as follows.
Whenever we - any one of us - identify with a frame of reference, a philosophy, a religion, a political movement, an ethnicity, or even a neighborhood, we tend to reify that part of our personal identity. In other words, when I say, e.g., "I consider myself a political liberal," I thereby reinforce (in some small way) my belief that there's an "I," a self, and some more evidence for that belief can be found in the knowledge that this "I" is liberal, with everything that means to me.
You may recognize here an implicit reference to an ancient Buddhist doctrine: no self. I love this idea and many others with Buddhist roots, but I do not think of myself as a Buddhist. That would be an additional burden and I'm hoping to unburden myself, not increase the load. Similarly, it echoes the Christian Beatitude, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." I love this teaching. I call myself an atheist. But I don't really think of myself as an atheist, because that's far too restrictive a frame of reference. I live in a relationship with an infinitely unknowable vastness of reality that extends far beyond all the visible stars in the universe and reaches into the quarks and quantum fields that flicker in and out of existence in quantities of time too short to be conceived of, less than a Planck time (https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Planck_time). In such a universe, any comparison/contrast with any concept that could be construed as theism - either for or against - becomes meaningless.
So, yes, the obstacle is the way. And one of the obstacles is the requirement that, to understand our reality, we must categorize it. But let us beware of the delusion that any of the categories are more important than the sacred burden of not knowing.
Maybe I should rename it Project Nobody. ;) I appreciate all of this and kind of hoped this piece lifted that "burden" a bit. I'm trying to evoke ancient wisdom and when I initially chose this username , it was a reminder to myself for how I wanted to approach this. Tbh, I am no expert in Stoicism and wouldn't identity myself as a Stoic (yes, I know I've been calling myself StoicMom,) or buddhist or athiest, etc. Like with all of this ancient wisdom, I take what makes sense to me at the time and apply it and love when philosophies overlap, reinforcing that the wisdom has been tested and found useful.
"I live in a relationship with an infinitely unknowable vastness of reality that extends far beyond all the visible stars in the universe and reaches into the quarks and quantum fields that flicker in and out of existence in quantities of time too short to be conceived of..." Beautiful. I'm also just a drop in the ocean.
Thank you for sharing this comment! It's so fascinating to me how integral language is to shaping our reality and directing our lives.
Love this piece! Thanks for sharing, yours is a necessary perspective in this moment.
"Cliches and outdated sayings, fairytales and archetypes, philosophies and mythology that contain these ancient lessons…they all converged to remind me there’s really nothing new under the sun. Humans have been figuring out how to overcome suffering for as long as we’ve been a species. Hint: it’s an inside job."
Hi Marek. This seems a bit out in left field for this publication and sounds like maybe you need your own. This does not directly address what I'm going for with this Substack and isn't really the place to have this discussion. For this reason, I'm going to go ahead and delete this other lengthy comment you've left because this just isn't really the right place for your agenda. I'm not sure if you've got your own publication, but I'd rather you not use mine which is only distantly related to your points. I would ask that you not come here and start calling people pedophiles as a way to provoke them into a discussion they're not interested in.
I came across this essay today, and again, I'm so grateful for this work. As it happens, I've been sitting with the lighthouse symbol for the last few weeks, writing about symbols, and the lighthouse is the one that most deeply resonates with me. And here it is at the end of your essay; you develop it as a beautiful, rich metaphor, not only for how we relate with and support our children, but with other mothers, spreading light and hope, helping others along the way. There is a power and a steadiness in knowing we can be the light for others.
I have saved this piece in my email folder to read and reread when I need it. I am also on this journey, and I find it helpful to come back to your words when I am struggling.
My intellectual brain understands all of this, but sometimes my body wilts in sadness or fear. It’s important to let that emotion in and feel it, and equally important, it seems to me, to come right back to love and acceptance and trust.
I appreciate this comment so much! Thank you for sharing this.
"sometimes my body wilts in sadness or fear. It’s important to let that emotion in and feel it, and equally important, it seems to me, to come right back to love and acceptance and trust." Beautifully said and the essence of richness.
Hi Marek, thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment. I never thought I'd be one to delete comments, but you've changed my mind! Impressive. You can come at me all you want, but when you attack the moms that find this a safe place to share their pain, I will remove those.
Thank you for your very wise and inspiring article. The medical transitioning of my daughter is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure, but your words,"tragedy can break your heart to pieces, or it can break it open, allowing you to experience more richness, more beauty, more pain, more curiosity, more love" are so true. I don't always feel this. Some days I want to howl and rant and rage, but there are now more days when I can see the gift in all of this. Thank you for being a brave and caring voice in all this pain.
"Some days I want to howl and rant and rage..." I hope you let yourself. This is some deep, deep pain you're experiencing. I'm so thankful to know this site has offered even a little comfort. Thank you for taking the time to share this comment.
It was your stoic advice to not hold on so firmly to my daughter that inspired me too write my most recent piece. To look at this experience at different angle. I decided that every time she asks for my presence I would say "yes" tonight she wanted to put make on me and have me do hers. When she was really little she loved to pretend to be at a beauty shop and do my hair.
It was a nice night tonight. Laughing and talking. There is a shift. She will be 15 next week. This is a girl who stated when she was little she never wanted to grow up. She loved being a kid and would tell me " I don't know why kids want to grow up so fast." Growing up is hard to do.
I love this so much! Let's be warm, available, trusting, and enjoy the heck out of our kids!! I think our stress and worry might escalate and distort their experience with this. If we can relax and recognize they're just being teenagers, hold a non-judgmental container, foster the relationship (nothing's better than laughing together!) and BE someone they want to talk to--it will feel so much better for both parent and adolescent.
Beautiful and wise. Thank you for sharing your learnings.
I resonate with so much of what you write and agree that "the obstacle is the way" and, at the same time, I'm aware of some apprehension around identifying this wisdom as "Stoicism." Not that I dispute the correctness of the identification, nor do I have any particular issue with Stoicism. Quite the contrary. My apprehension is as follows.
Whenever we - any one of us - identify with a frame of reference, a philosophy, a religion, a political movement, an ethnicity, or even a neighborhood, we tend to reify that part of our personal identity. In other words, when I say, e.g., "I consider myself a political liberal," I thereby reinforce (in some small way) my belief that there's an "I," a self, and some more evidence for that belief can be found in the knowledge that this "I" is liberal, with everything that means to me.
You may recognize here an implicit reference to an ancient Buddhist doctrine: no self. I love this idea and many others with Buddhist roots, but I do not think of myself as a Buddhist. That would be an additional burden and I'm hoping to unburden myself, not increase the load. Similarly, it echoes the Christian Beatitude, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." I love this teaching. I call myself an atheist. But I don't really think of myself as an atheist, because that's far too restrictive a frame of reference. I live in a relationship with an infinitely unknowable vastness of reality that extends far beyond all the visible stars in the universe and reaches into the quarks and quantum fields that flicker in and out of existence in quantities of time too short to be conceived of, less than a Planck time (https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Planck_time). In such a universe, any comparison/contrast with any concept that could be construed as theism - either for or against - becomes meaningless.
So, yes, the obstacle is the way. And one of the obstacles is the requirement that, to understand our reality, we must categorize it. But let us beware of the delusion that any of the categories are more important than the sacred burden of not knowing.
Maybe I should rename it Project Nobody. ;) I appreciate all of this and kind of hoped this piece lifted that "burden" a bit. I'm trying to evoke ancient wisdom and when I initially chose this username , it was a reminder to myself for how I wanted to approach this. Tbh, I am no expert in Stoicism and wouldn't identity myself as a Stoic (yes, I know I've been calling myself StoicMom,) or buddhist or athiest, etc. Like with all of this ancient wisdom, I take what makes sense to me at the time and apply it and love when philosophies overlap, reinforcing that the wisdom has been tested and found useful.
"I live in a relationship with an infinitely unknowable vastness of reality that extends far beyond all the visible stars in the universe and reaches into the quarks and quantum fields that flicker in and out of existence in quantities of time too short to be conceived of..." Beautiful. I'm also just a drop in the ocean.
Thank you for sharing this comment! It's so fascinating to me how integral language is to shaping our reality and directing our lives.
Love this piece! Thanks for sharing, yours is a necessary perspective in this moment.
"Cliches and outdated sayings, fairytales and archetypes, philosophies and mythology that contain these ancient lessons…they all converged to remind me there’s really nothing new under the sun. Humans have been figuring out how to overcome suffering for as long as we’ve been a species. Hint: it’s an inside job."
Thank you, Elizabeth! I appreciate you being here and taking time to comment. ❤
This is such an interesting claim. Seems you may just be having yourself a bit of fun? If you'd like to have a reasonable discussion, I'm always game.
Hi Marek. This seems a bit out in left field for this publication and sounds like maybe you need your own. This does not directly address what I'm going for with this Substack and isn't really the place to have this discussion. For this reason, I'm going to go ahead and delete this other lengthy comment you've left because this just isn't really the right place for your agenda. I'm not sure if you've got your own publication, but I'd rather you not use mine which is only distantly related to your points. I would ask that you not come here and start calling people pedophiles as a way to provoke them into a discussion they're not interested in.
I came across this essay today, and again, I'm so grateful for this work. As it happens, I've been sitting with the lighthouse symbol for the last few weeks, writing about symbols, and the lighthouse is the one that most deeply resonates with me. And here it is at the end of your essay; you develop it as a beautiful, rich metaphor, not only for how we relate with and support our children, but with other mothers, spreading light and hope, helping others along the way. There is a power and a steadiness in knowing we can be the light for others.
I have saved this piece in my email folder to read and reread when I need it. I am also on this journey, and I find it helpful to come back to your words when I am struggling.
My intellectual brain understands all of this, but sometimes my body wilts in sadness or fear. It’s important to let that emotion in and feel it, and equally important, it seems to me, to come right back to love and acceptance and trust.
I appreciate this comment so much! Thank you for sharing this.
"sometimes my body wilts in sadness or fear. It’s important to let that emotion in and feel it, and equally important, it seems to me, to come right back to love and acceptance and trust." Beautifully said and the essence of richness.
❤️
Hi Marek, thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment. I never thought I'd be one to delete comments, but you've changed my mind! Impressive. You can come at me all you want, but when you attack the moms that find this a safe place to share their pain, I will remove those.