The Places We Meet
a guest post by Regina
At the SMP, we aim to help moms who need support to keep their families together without sacrificing authenticity or existing on eggshells. In this guest-authored piece, Regina describes her shift away from the futility of trying to convince her family members to adopt her views toward finding new ways to relate to her loved ones. As she states, “Facts are not relevant when strong emotions and fundamental worldviews are in play. I just didn't have any other tools at my disposal.”
Regina’s article also brings to my mind this quote by Carl Jung,
”… all the greatest and most important problems of life are fundamentally insoluble…. They can never be solved, but only outgrown….”
To learn more of Regina’s story and how navigating this challenging terrain has helped her grow, you can listen to our conversations on the SMP podcast:
I met my first trans person in 1992. She was an MTF named Mona. She was sassy and beautiful and very clear that "she" was a man. After meeting my first transsexual (as they were called in 1992) I was a big supporter of trans people.
Fast forward 30 years, and my family is fully on board the trans train. As a woman married to a woman, I am a strong supporter of gay and lesbian rights, and in early 2022 I still believed those to include trans rights. But at this point, new things were coming to light for me. It was the first time I heard about detransitioners. As I started to learn about people who regretted their transition, some of them very young people in their teens and early twenties, I also started to learn about other dangers and harms of the trans agenda.
This was also the time my then 7 year old son "came out" as non binary.
I tried to share some of the stories I heard about and the dangers I saw in the ideology that men can be pregnant and women can have penises. This was met with me being called transphobic and racist by my partner. Her denial of what I was learning only fueled my fire to prove that I was right, that the trans agenda was wrong and harmful, which caused her to dig her heels in and not listen to a word I had to say. All the while, both our children are hearing the arguments and know that I am not on board with their beliefs around trans issues and my son feels hurt and not seen.
This went on for a little over a year.
I like to think I'm a pretty smart cookie. But I kept on trying the same (counterproductive) tactics over and over. Trying to change someone's mind about something they deeply believe in is rarely an effective tactic. Facts are not relevant when strong emotions and fundamental worldviews are in play. I just didn't have any other tools at my disposal.
Then I heard StoicMom on a podcast talking about "The obstacle is the way". I was intrigued. I had quite an obstacle to overcome. Could embracing the obstacle rather than fighting against really be an effective strategy? I had nothing to lose by trying. What I was doing was only creating tension, anger and disconnection. I had a choice: keep doing what I was doing and hoping for different results (the definition of insanity), or try a new way of relating to my family.
I struggled with the decision to join the SMP community. Of course, I was right about everything gender-related and my family was wrong. THEY were the ones who needed to change. This reminds me of a cartoon: A politician stands at a podium in front of a large crowd, asking "Who wants change??" and every hand is up. In the second panel, the politician asks "Who wants to change??" and every hand is down. Such is human nature.
But I took the plunge recognizing that the current path we were on would likely lead to our family breaking up. And I wasn't ready for that. I had to try something else.
And that something else was simple in its theory and so very challenging in its application. I learned to focus on the places where we meet and agree and have fun. I learned to get curious about what my family was thinking about contentious topics, rather than jumping into all the "proof" at my disposal about why they were wrong. I learned to be okay with the uncomfortable disagreements and to accept that there are places we may never see eye-to-eye. John and Julie Gottman, who are marriage counselors with decades of experience and excellent results, say that 70% of conflicts between intimate partners will never be resolved. We need to learn to live with, and maybe even appreciate, our differences if we are to be successful in our connection and building loving, trusting relationships. While the Gottmans focus on romantic relationships, I believe this to be true in any meaningful and intimate relationships in our lives, including that between parent and child.
My son continues to claim a NB identity, using they/them pronouns and a different name. My family continues to celebrate Pride in all its forms, with trans flags and other trans trappings all over our house. They are still swimming in the deep end of trans ideology in many ways. And I still disagree with it. And yet we have been able to rebuild a close loving connection that focuses on the places we meet. I am still very much a work in progress and have moments wishing my family could see things my way. And maybe one day they will, because we are maintaining closeness and respect rather than driving each other away with our differences.
That is the beauty of embracing "the obstacle as the way", at least in my case.